We Ranked 30 New Year’s Resolutions Against Potato Chips and Weed and It’s Not Even Close

Posted on by Dan Rice

It’s about to be a new year, and that means it’s time for a new you! Unfortunately, the new you is remarkably similar to the old one, like virtually identical.

There’s a lot of pressure to make “resolutions” at the start of a new year, pledges to change or grow in some way, which is frankly kind of absurd. It’s magical thinking really. Your brain chemistry has no idea what number it says on the calendar, and it’s going to just keep doing what it does. Why do we need to bring shame about this?

We ranked the top 30 common New Year’s resolutions against our standard mode—smoking way too much pot and eating way too many potato chips—and if we’re talking in terms of pure enjoyment, it’s not even close. We’ll go ahead and show you all the runners up but 2024 is going to be the year of weed and chips because why fix what’s not broken?

31. Quit nicotine

We hate to say it but one year is simply not enough time to unravel the sinister knot that is nicotine addiction, and since every year only has one year in it, it’s never the right year to quit. You could maybe switch to the patch, and you’ll be better off, but that barely registers as an accomplishment, and declaring your intention to do so out loud just seems sad.

30. Call a friend instead of texting them

We combed a lot of resolution lists to nail down our top 30 and this gem was on every single one. We don’t get it. It’s like saying “This is the year I let everyone in my life know that I’m some sort of intrusive psychopath and convince them that my presence in their life is a complete imposition!” Is there anything more alarmingly unhinged than using your phone as a phone when no one even died? What the hell do you mean you’re “just saying hi,” what even is that?!

29. Lose weight

Sounds nice, but chips are pretty fattening, so hard pass. Sure our clothes would fit better, but they’re already covered in grease stains and burn holes so who really cares how they fit?

28. Read more

Apparently doomscrolling social media posts doesn’t count, they mean the bad kind of reading, i.e. books. We have nothing against books per se, they get turned into movies, but like why would you read books when there are movies? It’s just a more efficient story-delivery vehicle for people who are stoned out of their gourd carbo-loading on bag after bag of primo Cape Code Kettle Chips.

27. Volunteer

We have no problem volunteering our time to charitable efforts, provided that we can be high out of our minds and eat chips during that time. Like, maybe there’s something that helps homeless people that needs to be weighed down for some reason, and we could sit on it? Oh, that’s not super helpful? By all means fire us!

26. Quit drinking

Sounds like a good idea until you get to that point in the week where junk food and pot get boring, and then what are you supposed to do to feel anything, jump out of an airplane? That’s dangerous.

25. Stay in touch with people

Everyone enjoys the idea of keeping in touch with the people who have mattered throughout their lives. Unfortunately, everyone hates the practice. Even now just writing a blurb about messaging people I am becoming exhausted mentally and emotionally. Sorry everyone I went to high school or played music with, all the best, see you at a funeral or something.

24. Go to the dentist

Yes, apparently people en mass are deciding to make this the year they finally address their mounting dental issues, Most of us here at The Hard Times have passed the point of no return on that years ago. While the dentist can be a valuable source of Vicoden, the juice isn’t quite worth the squeeze. Besides, at least our weed dealer never judges us for how much potato chip gunk is embedded in our gums.

23. Join a sports team

Apparently, there’s a rising trend of adults joining rec leagues to relive their high school sports days, but if you’re a sports person, think back to that time. What was the most fun part? Getting stoned and grabbing food after the game, right? Right. Just cut out the middleman.

22. Eat better

A new year is a solid reminder that you’re not getting any younger, and your metabolism is not what it used to be. A proper diet includes plenty of whole grains, leafy greens, a wide range of vegetables, and fruits. It tastes like fucking garbage, pass me the chips I’m stoned off my tits.

21. Go sober for one month

Whether you’re doing dry January, sober October, or obstaning during a month without a fun rhyme, you are a fucking bummer. What, you’re just proving you can do it and then going right back? That’s sort of like rubbing it in the face of us addicts pal. Is it lonely up there on your high horse?

20. Start journaling

Really not much to report when you’re just getting blazed and eating garbage all day.

19. Travel to a new place

Do they have cannabis and junk food there? Oh, they do? Well, we have some at home and we can consume it without having to worry about a TSA agent going through our bag.

18. Write a novel

“Detective Holden McDiesel exhaled his morning bong rip through the tattered blinds of his office window, out onto the mean streets below. ‘I need a case like I need a bag of chips’ he mused to himself detectively.”

That’s as far as I got last year.

17. Start therapy

We’re not going to say we’re “too smart for therapy,” that’s a load of toxic bullshit. We’re not going to therapy because we’re already treating our traumas with potato chips and weed, and frankly, they’re doing a bang-up job. Thanks for helping me cope with my abusive father doctor Lays! Great job curbing those panic attacks doctor Mircale Alien cookies!

16. Drink water every day

Have you ever tasted this crap?! It literally tastes like nothing. We even tried dipping some chips in the water to spice it up a little and it just made the water and the chips worse, even sour cream and cheddar ruffles! If the good lord wanted us to drink water he wouldn’t have invented Mountain Dew and vodka.

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Recently Out Bisexuals Inch Back Into Closet After Potential Paramore Breakup Rumors

Posted on by Tim Sheard

HARTFORD, Conn. — Local woman Kirsten Russet decided to rescind her “out” status as bisexual following online rumors that Paramore is breaking up, sources confirmed.

“Listen, as a teen, I was way too into Paramore, but didn’t really know why. Then ‘This Is Why,’ came out like an answer to my previous obsession, and I realized that I was extremely crushing on Hayley,” said Russet while curled up in the fetal position. “So I came out of the closet as bi, because I don’t think this is just a single-target sexuality situation. But then the band nuked their social media presence, and fuck, now my first girl love and root is gone. I am untethered. I think I need to just gaslight everyone I told and pretend it never happened, or say I just did it to piss my dad off. I’m so not ready to face this world without them.”

Lori Flanagan, Russet’s closest friend since high school, reported mixed feelings about the situation.

“Kirsten is the most obviously bisexual person on planet Earth, even if she was the last person to figure it out,” Flanagan said while fielding panicked texts from Russet. “Her insane teenage fixation on this band was just the beginning. I was honestly relieved when they released some new material for her to finally have the brainpower to understand herself a little better. But good god, she sees like three online articles regurgitating the same information, and she’s so distraught she’s about to crawl back in the closet. I can almost guarantee you this is just a label changeover. From the band, not her. She’s definitely bi.”

Human sexuality expert Dr. Evers Braunt weighed in on Russet’s current state.

“People who have recently come out as anything other than heterosexual are often in a very fragile state mentally for the first few months. They’ll cling to communities and icons as a way of navigating their new life. But if that is taken away from them, all hell can break loose,” said Braunt. “I saw this a lot in the 80s, specifically after David Bowie said his ‘biggest mistake was saying he was bi.’ That was disastrous for a huge swath of very skinny and very fashionable young men who spent their youth extremely confused by Ziggy Stardust.”

At press time, Flanagan was seen showing Russet old photos of Tegan and Sara as a “reminder.”

Gas Leak Only Decent-Smelling Thing in Punk House

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

CHICAGO — An undetected and increasingly dangerous leak from a gas main at the Rogers Park punk house, known informally as “The Shitbox,” is the only thing in the building that smells even remotely decent, including people, pets, and musical instruments, sources report.

“Normally, The Shitbox has the kind of fetid stink that you just don’t get used to,” said Jerome “Scabs” Mellen, a longtime semi-paying resident. “Most of the time, even if a smell is bad, you kind of just get used to it by chain-smoking indoors and not opening the windows. But recently, there’s been this new, fresh, almost chemically clean smell that really brightens this heap up. Someone must have gotten one of those Glade air fresheners or something.”

“Also, for some reason,” Mellen added. “It’s been easy to get really fucked up on like two Old Styles recently, I get crazy lightheaded almost immediately.”

Lenny Mackiewicz, the owner of The Shitbox, shares the enthusiasm for the untreated gas leak and its refreshing, crisp scent.

“That whole place basically turned into a tax write-off when those kids moved in,” said Mackiewicz, carefully keeping his distance from the building. “They’ve absolutely destroyed the place, and I can’t remember the last time they actually paid rent on time, not to mention being called a ‘stink slumlord’ to my face. I was planning on burning the place down and trying to pocket some insurance money, but I think this gas leak will take care of things for me. If anything, it’s increased the property value.”

People’s Gas service worker Garrison Brent is familiar with situations like this, and how a volatile, rapidly growing gas leak can actually be of benefit.

“I’ve seen it a hundred times,” said Brent. “You can always tell when there’s a gas leak in a punk house because they move slightly less than normal and throw up a lot more. But, for a few brief moments and a whole lot of dead mice, those punks will actually experience what it’s like to live in a place that doesn’t smell like a combination of rotten cheese, unwashed underwear, and an acoustic guitar that someone defecated in. It’s nature’s way of healing itself, really.”

As of press time, The Shitbox exploded in a maelstrom of bright green flames and a wall of stink waves that sources indicate caused a squirrel to faint.

Opinion: You’re Not Punk and I’m Telling Everyone

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

Well, well, well…look who we have here. If it isn’t Mr. “Punk” himself…

That’s what you call yourself, right? “Punk”? That’s funny because I don’t see a single Subhumans, Crass, or Discharge patch on that battle jacket. Doesn’t sound very “punk” to me.

Who do you think you’re fooling? Huh? That mohawk you’re sporting…I bet it’s never been visited even once by a single drop of Elmer’s glue. Just gel and a hair dryer, am I right? Poseur scum.

Well guess what? Your little charade is coming to an end, my friend. I know you’re not punk and I’m telling everyone.

What do you think is going to happen when all your friends and loved ones find out that you’re not punk? What are your colleagues at work going to think? How will they feel when they learn that the “zine” you founded was made by a graphic designer you hired on Upwork? They’ll probably disown you. I would. It’s called “do it yourself” for a fucking reason you fucking piece of human garbage.

And how do you think your wife is going to react when she learns that her husband of 10 years is a poseur? I bet she’ll be shocked when she finds out her good-for-nothing “punk” husband probably had a new wave band in college with a stupid name like Banana Banana or Parliament of Owls instead of a tough street punk band with a cool name like Puss. She’ll probably divorce you. I would.

Oh and you better believe I’m telling your boss. I think your employer will be very interested to know that all those “smoke breaks” you take are actually to go chew candy cigarettes in the alleyway. They’re going to ridicule you so hard that you’re going to want to quit your job. Which you should. You worthless fucking shithead.

It didn’t have to be this way, man. There were roads not traveled, GBH buttons on denim vests not placed, M16 bullet belts not worn. You could have bought real Docs instead of knockoffs at Marshalls. But you wouldn’t listen and now I’m telling everyone you know that you’re not punk.

Atmospheric Black Metal Band Lists Influences Ranging From “The Hobbit” to “The Lord of the Rings”

Posted on by Zach Hudson

TACOMA, Wash. — Atmospheric black metal band Galadriel’s Mirror pushed back against critics who claim their only influence is “The Lord of the Rings,” claiming their sound is also influenced by “The Hobbit.”

“Critics often compare us to other atmospheric black metal projects, but what sets us apart is that we take influence from all of Tolkein’s work, not just one or two books,” said guitarist/vocalist Scott ‘Foe Hammer’ Wilson. “Revisit our first album and you’ll hear references to Esgaroth and Gollum’s cave. A lot of these newer bands only write about the Misty Mountains or Entish lore. We’re actually working on a concept album about life as a peasant in the Gap of Rohan, prior to the Battle of Helm’s Deep.”

Other bands in the scene still question the legitimacy of Galadriel’s Mirror, including Erebor drummer Mark Hadley.

“Galadriel’s Pool or whoever are such posers,” said Hadley. “It’s obvious their bassist has only ever seen the movies and none of them have even read ‘The Silmarillion.’ If you ask them about it they’ll just walk away. They also don’t have the musicianship to capture the ethereal yet punishing landscape of Middle Earth. I wouldn’t be surprised if they devolved into one of those cringey castle metal bands in a few years.”

Varg Vikernes unintentionally went on a twenty-minute tangent irrelevant to the matter despite nobody asking his opinion.

“The Hobbits–they had no religion, you know,” said Vikernes while meticulously painting figurines for his board games. “Their love of permaculture and traditional family structure made them revered by the elves and rest of the New World Order. Modern western men have much to learn from the Shirefolk, you know. To understand how to resist the temptation of unnatural pleasures just as Frodo resisted the allure of the one ring is necessary to return to our primitive roots. We must do this, lest the West shall fall.”

At press time, Galadriel’s Mirror responded to Erebor’s “poser” accusation by challenging them to Tolkien trivia, but they’ve yet to commit to a date.

Every When We Were Young 2024 Album Play Ranked By How Much My Kids Hate Listening To It In The Car

Posted on by Steve Esparra

If there’s one thing we here at Hard Times are sure of, it’s that Father Time is undefeated all-time. Which makes sense, because after all, he is a father, and fathers are always right. As you feel yourself aging your way out of your local music scene and into your local Costco scene, it’s imperative that you remember where you came from; that is, if your declining, decrepit memory will allow it you fucking fossil.

Then a festival announcement comes along and pushes you completely over the hill and into the graveyard. And they name it “When We Were Young” to remind you that time is a fleeting construct and your knees and/or back probably couldn’t even handle an all day show anyway. And they put it in a town that you already probably wouldn’t survive a trip to at your advanced age, although that was probably to convince the elderly to show up for the warmer temps.

So grab your CD book, call your babysitter, and trade in those credit card points for airline miles, because this is every album play at When We Were Young 2024 ranked by the most hated to least hated by my children. Please note that Fall Out Boy, LS Dunes, and Carr are not listed, as they aren’t playing any of their albums in full. Although Fall Out Boy would have been disqualified anyway, as it wouldn’t be fair to the other bands since Disney Junior has already indoctrinated my kids into liking them.

51. The Devil Wears Prada “Plagues”

Guess what, daddy makes his living on the internet so HTML Rulez D00dz! But yeah, the kids HATE this one. When I put it on my youngest threatened to undo his seatbelt and jump out the window. Oh well, tough shit. Although the oldest did make the comment that mommy’s bag says “Prada” on it. Out of the mouth of babes.

50. My Chemical Romance “The Black Parade”

Best album on the list? Probably. The one my kids hate the most? A definite possibility. It might have to do with the fact that every time it comes on I choke up; no one wants to see their dad cry. For the record, I’m not weeping because I love my kids so much or anything… it’s from not being able to see MyChem at a VFW anymore.

49. 3OH!3 “Want”

It’s crucial to remember that being a parent is finding a teachable moment in everything. Despite my better judgment, I played the boys this album as a cautionary tale of how not to speak to or about women, and more importantly, how not to try to mix musical genres. Judging by their abject of this album these kids will turn out ok.

48. Pierce The Veil  “Collide with the Sky”

“May These Noises Startle You In Your Sleep Tonight”? “One Hundred Sleepless Nights”? “I’m Low On Gas And You Need A Jacket”? Is this an emocore album or the title of my autobiography? Kids hate it, padre loves it… and padre controls the radio.

47. Sleeping With Sirens “Let’s Cheers To This”

What has four corners and two thumbs up? The SUV when this album plays. It’s dad jokes like this that cement my status as a trophy father with trophy sons. Unfortunately, the other 6 thumbs in the SUV are either pointing down or being sucked.

46. Dashboard Confessional  “Dusk and Summer”

It’s important when you have toddlers to display emotional intelligence to show them how to process the vast range of feelings one can experience in this life. All that is to say, they’ve heard this album exactly one time and I will never play it again.

45. Alesana “The Emptiness”

Okay, this one is a MAJOR no. The spoken word at the beginning of the album scared the ever living shit out of the baby. Once he started crying, it was like a domino effect of all three demanding I change it immediately. Not trying to traumatize my kids before 1st grade, we can listen to Cocomelon again.

44. Chiodos  “All’s Well That Ends Well”

On top of the album title being a popular idiom in our house, “One Day Women Will All Become Monsters” is the next logical progression of the cootie-driven “boys rule and girls drool” phrase the boys love to parrot. But no, they don’t particularly care for this one.

43. Bayside “Self-Titled”

If you don’t want me to call you peanut, stop acting like a peanut gallery. My kids don’t understand this joke, although I’ve explained it to them multiple times. Someday they will appreciate my humor, unlike this album which they are wrong for not enjoying.

42. The Maine “Can’t Stop Won’t Stop”

Lots of lessons to be had on this one, boys.

For the oldest: girls do what they want, boys do what they can.
For the middle child (who doesn’t listen for shit):: when I say it’s time to go, it’s time to go.
And for the baby: count ‘em 1, 2, 3! Yay!

…this one is a no.

41. The Wonder Years “The Greatest Generation”

Throughout your life you will hear a lot of talk about “The Greatest Generation,” which is meant to refer to Daddy’s Nana and Grandpa’s generation that survived The Great Depression and two world wars. But I’m here to tell you that Xennials (daddy’s generation) is actually the greatest one, because we got to exist during The Wonder Years as a TV show and a band.

40. The Starting Line “Say It Like You Mean It”

Are we there yet? Almost. Where are we going? Nowhere. Are we there yet? Almost. Where are we going? Nowhere. Are we there yet? Almost. Where are we going? Nowhere. Are we there yet? Almost. Where are we going? Nowhere.

Nobody likes this album and I’m guessing these guys will play to an empty field.

39. August Burns Red “Constellations”

Not one of my fucking kids likes this landmark of an album. It’s almost like they don’t have my blood in their veins. I’m torn between telling them they’re adopted or giving them up for it. No room for taste that poor in this family.

38. Hawthorne Heights “The Silence in Black and White”

Hey kids, do you know the difference between screamo and emo pop? Fuck if I know… I was asking you. I have no idea. When you get older I’ll explain MTV to you and how it ruined everything, though.

37. The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus “Don’t You Fake It”

The album is sweet, but the kids hate it for some unknown reason. My best guess is “Don’t You Fake It” is constantly shouted in our house, as in “Apologize to your brother, and don’t you fake it!” How the hell do you explain what an “apparatus” is to a 4-year-old?

36. New Found Glory “Sticks And Stones”

Boys, did you know that before this album even came out daddy saw this band at the Wayne Firehouse? I know I’m old… but what do we say? No, not “bros before hoes,” the other one. That’s right…sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me.

35. Cobra Starship “¡Viva la Cobra!”

How bad of a parent do you think I am?

34. Underoath “They’re Only Chasing Safety”

One of my favorite albums of all time, Daddy definitely likes this one more than the boys. You could probably chalk this up to me constantly screaming “WHATEVER I SAY GOESSS” at bedtime. Weirdly, they do like “Some Will Seek Forgiveness, Others Escape” because the drop scares the beJesus out of them (hopefully).

33. Say Anything – “…Is a Real Boy”

This album is just under an hour, so we never get to listen to it as we are rarely driving that far to begin with. But even if it was a road trip, I doubt we’d make it the whole way through.

32. Four Year Strong “Enemy Of The World”

Pop quiz kiddies: if an album has clean vocals, sing-alongs, catchy riffs and hooks, but also double bass, screams, and breakdowns, is it pop punk or melodic hardcore? That’s correct… it doesn’t matter and just be thankful. Bonus question: will I still love you if you have neck tattoos at 19? Of course, but I will make fun of you.

31. Mom Jeans “Best Buds”

Things my kids like: Girl Scout cookies, when daddy has a mustache for Thanksgiving, and their best buds. Things my kids don’t like: boxer shorts and this album for some reason. I’m also getting tired of trying to explain how “mom jeans” are different from regular jeans.

30. Senses Fail “Still Searching”

It’ll be a cold day in hell before I care whether these kids like this album or not; Senses Fail is from New Jersey and thus part of their heritage. If they don’t grow up to love this album I will have failed as a parent. Either that, or my kids will be really good cowboys.

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6 Effective Ways To Remain Anemic When It’s Your Only Personality Trait

Posted on by Carson Lolley

Do you have cold hands and really want everyone to know about it? Have you ever looked at sand and thought, ‘Mmm, I want that in my mouth’? Well, you’re in luck! We’ve compiled a list of 6 science-backed tips to stay anemic in case eating ice and getting dizzy are the most interesting things about you.

1. Give Up Meat

Okay, we know. A little obvious. But vegetarianism is the first and most vital step to lowering that iron count. Are your friends and family concerned about how you’re going to get your daily proteins and minerals? They should be. If they haven’t expressed this to you at every communal meal, consider going vegan for good measure.

2. No Bodybuilding Allowed

What are dumbbells made of? Lots of things, probably. But what are some dumbbells made of? That’s right: Iron. Our skin is extremely absorbent, and handling these weights with bare hands puts everything we’ve worked so hard for at risk. If you must make contact, wear protective gloves and goggles, but avoiding contact with weights or strenuous activity of any kind is your best option. Can’t get iron if you’re not pumping iron. Simple as that.

3. Ingest Magnets

A lot of people look down on eating magnets. Some might call it childish, others call it deadly, and most people call it “you did what?!” but we just call it getting the job done. The molecules within magnets are arranged to allow for their electrons to spin in the same direction, creating a magnetic pole. When you swallow a magnet and it passes through your system, this magnetism will attract and capture the molecules within the iron, effectively pulling it from your digestive tract and bloodstream.

4. Move to Eastern Europe

Most people believe the Iron Curtain to be a political metaphor for the division between Eastern and Western Europe during the Cold War. However, isn’t it possible that the Iron Curtain is a literal, tangible thing that filters out iron and other related minerals from the water supply? You won’t know until you try!

5. Resort to Bloodletting and Human Sacrifice

Cultivate low iron… and lifelong friendships. Trendy cults are always looking for new victims to use in bloodletting rituals and what have you. Don’t ask any questions though! Just make yourself readily available to whatever cult is located geographically closest to you, and they’ll suck your iron dry. Sure, it’s high risk, but it’s also high reward. Seriously though, do not ask any questions.

6. Just Have Fun With It!

Iron could be anyone or anywhere at any time. It’s in the air we breathe, the water we drink, and the dirt we play in. Sometimes, it’s just plain unavoidable. So if you get a little iron in your system, don’t beat yourself up about it. I mean, definitely don’t, because you will bruise.

In the wise words of Abraham Lincoln, “The only thing you have to fear is Fe itself.” We’re paraphrasing, and being extremely contrived, but keep your head high and your iron low. You got this!

Punk Magician Makes Friends’ Cigarettes Disappear

Posted on by Emma Jonas

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Professional punk magician Lyle “Skid” Harber is reportedly creating spectacles at a number of dive bars in his neighborhood by magically making friends’ cigarettes disappear, confirmed sources who couldn’t believe they were already down to a few cigarettes left in their pack.

“When Skid is around, my full pack of Camel Filters gets down to the lucky within minutes,” said friend and fellow dive bar patron Nell Manoukian. “I have no idea how he does it but it’s amazing! Sometimes, I’m even missing a few bucks out of my wallet, but I don’t mind. I love to be dazzled! Seems like word is traveling fast about this guy too. That’s why everyone tries to hide their smokes when he’s around, but by the end of the night they’ve all made several trips to 7-Eleven to re-up on their packs. Just an incredible talent on display.”

Harber says spectators are constantly asking him how he performs his tricks and many have theorized advanced sleight-of-hand techniques or the use of prop cigarette packs.

“A magician never reveals his secrets,” Harber said, uncannily doubling the pile of empty PBR cans before him. “Let’s just say it’s all about knowing when to make my move and doing it with unquestioning confidence. It helps to believe that those cigarettes never belonged to my friends in the first place. Magicians are always three or four steps ahead of everyone. That’s how I haven’t bought a pack of cigarettes in five years.”

Local children’s magician Dottie Henderson, known to fans as The Amazing Dottie, says Harber has gone too far with his trickery.

“Magic is supposed to be about creation and sharing,” Henderson said. “Not only is this Skid guy teaching people it’s ok to use magic for personal gain, he’s undercutting all of us entertainers who have been in the biz for decades. Where I’d charge a full day’s salary for a 20-head kids’ birthday party, he’s doing it for three drink tickets and a Marlboro Light. And by the end of it, the kids have managed to pocket every lighter in sight. Why can’t he just juggle scarves like the rest of us?”

Harber reportedly plans to move on to more spectacular pursuits, daring even to try his hand at necromancy, claiming that “punk’s not dead, or it won’t be after I’ve worked my magic on it.”

Opinion: I’m Sure We’ll All Laugh About This One Day in AA

Posted on by Dom Turek

Despite what your friends, family members, and recently assigned parole officer might say, circumstances that seem tragic right now will soon be something you and your future friends in Alcoholics Anonymous are going to laugh about. Don’t believe me?

Remember when I thought I’d never get over Cathy Roberts dumping me at the eighth-grade dance? Or the summer I vowed to run away after getting grounded for egging old man Snyder’s house? Or that time last weekend when I got so black-out shit-faced drunk that I jumped out of my girlfriend’s moving vehicle and caused a three-car pile-up?

Our desperate need to assign meaning to our suffering blinds us to the fact that some of our most “reputation-destroying” and “nearly lethal” decisions will one day be comical memories that will have you reclining back in a folding chair at your local AA chapter saying, “Man, those were the days.”

I’m sure in just a few short years, the third-degree road rash, traumatic brain injury, and shattered collarbone I sustained as a result of jumping from my girlfriend’s Camry will be completely healed, and I’ll have added yet another spicy anecdote to my roster of hijinks

Drinking alone outside the gas station and calling my now ex-girlfriend every five minutes to leave her a litany of incriminating voicemails that could later be used against me in court might seem bleak right now, but I’m almost positive I’ll be laughing about this one day in a dimly lit church basement surrounded by peers who also have the serenity to accept the things they cannot change, the courage to change the things they can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Hell, I’m sure a few of them will have similar stories about causing an accident that resulted in a six-year-old child breaking both legs.

Naysayers like to tell me that I’m in denial, that I’m not taking my situation seriously enough, or that they’re going to sue me for the physical, emotional, and vehicular damages I caused as a result of catapulting myself from a moving car on a major roadway, but I’m sure in time these victims will also look back at this and laugh once their jaws are unwired.

Centrist Supervillain Just Wants to Watch the World Maintain Status Quo

Posted on by Matt Husser

NEW YORK — Centrist supervillain Devin “The Devil’s Advocater” Jameston gave an impassioned monologue today revealing his plan for global domination is just ensuring the world maintains the status quo, henchmen close to him reported.

“First, I’ll maintain all existing power structures, because they’re already doing a really good job of subjugating the masses,” cackled Jameston. “Then, I’ll acquire influence with politicians from both sides, which really only requires a shockingly small donation to their campaigns, we are talking like $75 here. Finally, I’ll take over a legacy media company to ensure any plan to help people that is more radical than a ‘Little Free Library’ will be perceived as dangerous and reactionary. Then all I have to do is sit back and watch as the world is destroyed by changing nothing at all! Best of all my arch nemesis, Moderate Man, will be powerless to stop me, unless he wants to be seen as being partisan, or worse: divisive.”

Meanwhile Johnathan “Moderate Man” Feldman was busy trying to find a way to go through the proper channels to stop The Devil’s Advocater, without coming off as too politically biased.

“Unfortunately my hands are tied — even though his evil schemes have killed millions, resorting to violence would make me just as bad as him,” said Feldman, brooding on his Substack. “I’ve tried voting, exposing his hypocrisy on Twitter, and even accepted dozens of offers to publicly debate on the Joe Rogan Experience but nothing has worked! Every time I think I have him cornered in a debate about the atrocities he’s committed, he steers the topic to trans athletes in women’s sports and he somehow escapes.”

As the two centrist titans clashed with the fate of the world in the balance, New York Times columnist Ben Staley did his best to muddy the waters of the fierce existential battle.

“Sure, The Devil’s Advocater has been involved in millions of death-related incidents, but he’s done so equally on both sides of the political aisle. In today’s divided world, that kind of nuanced commitment to balance is refreshing,” stated Staley’s Op-Ed. “And while I agree with a lot of what Moderate Man says, if he was any more preachy we’d have to start calling him Captain Cancel. The Devil’s Advocater might be a polarizing figure, but in this current political climate it would be more dangerous to not let him express his First Amendment right to monologue in great detail about how he’s going to destroy the world.”

At press time, it was also revealed that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas had failed to disclose dozens of luxury trips to the private volcano island belonging to The Devil’s Advocater.