It’s about to be a new year, and that means it’s time for a new you! Unfortunately, the new you is remarkably similar to the old one, like virtually identical.
There’s a lot of pressure to make “resolutions” at the start of a new year, pledges to change or grow in some way, which is frankly kind of absurd. It’s magical thinking really. Your brain chemistry has no idea what number it says on the calendar, and it’s going to just keep doing what it does. Why do we need to bring shame about this?
We ranked the top 30 common New Year’s resolutions against our standard mode—smoking way too much pot and eating way too many potato chips—and if we’re talking in terms of pure enjoyment, it’s not even close. We’ll go ahead and show you all the runners up but 2024 is going to be the year of weed and chips because why fix what’s not broken?
31. Quit nicotine
We hate to say it but one year is simply not enough time to unravel the sinister knot that is nicotine addiction, and since every year only has one year in it, it’s never the right year to quit. You could maybe switch to the patch, and you’ll be better off, but that barely registers as an accomplishment, and declaring your intention to do so out loud just seems sad.
30. Call a friend instead of texting them
We combed a lot of resolution lists to nail down our top 30 and this gem was on every single one. We don’t get it. It’s like saying “This is the year I let everyone in my life know that I’m some sort of intrusive psychopath and convince them that my presence in their life is a complete imposition!” Is there anything more alarmingly unhinged than using your phone as a phone when no one even died? What the hell do you mean you’re “just saying hi,” what even is that?!
29. Lose weight
Sounds nice, but chips are pretty fattening, so hard pass. Sure our clothes would fit better, but they’re already covered in grease stains and burn holes so who really cares how they fit?
28. Read more
Apparently doomscrolling social media posts doesn’t count, they mean the bad kind of reading, i.e. books. We have nothing against books per se, they get turned into movies, but like why would you read books when there are movies? It’s just a more efficient story-delivery vehicle for people who are stoned out of their gourd carbo-loading on bag after bag of primo Cape Code Kettle Chips.
27. Volunteer
We have no problem volunteering our time to charitable efforts, provided that we can be high out of our minds and eat chips during that time. Like, maybe there’s something that helps homeless people that needs to be weighed down for some reason, and we could sit on it? Oh, that’s not super helpful? By all means fire us!
26. Quit drinking
Sounds like a good idea until you get to that point in the week where junk food and pot get boring, and then what are you supposed to do to feel anything, jump out of an airplane? That’s dangerous.
25. Stay in touch with people
Everyone enjoys the idea of keeping in touch with the people who have mattered throughout their lives. Unfortunately, everyone hates the practice. Even now just writing a blurb about messaging people I am becoming exhausted mentally and emotionally. Sorry everyone I went to high school or played music with, all the best, see you at a funeral or something.
24. Go to the dentist
Yes, apparently people en mass are deciding to make this the year they finally address their mounting dental issues, Most of us here at The Hard Times have passed the point of no return on that years ago. While the dentist can be a valuable source of Vicoden, the juice isn’t quite worth the squeeze. Besides, at least our weed dealer never judges us for how much potato chip gunk is embedded in our gums.
23. Join a sports team
Apparently, there’s a rising trend of adults joining rec leagues to relive their high school sports days, but if you’re a sports person, think back to that time. What was the most fun part? Getting stoned and grabbing food after the game, right? Right. Just cut out the middleman.
22. Eat better
A new year is a solid reminder that you’re not getting any younger, and your metabolism is not what it used to be. A proper diet includes plenty of whole grains, leafy greens, a wide range of vegetables, and fruits. It tastes like fucking garbage, pass me the chips I’m stoned off my tits.
21. Go sober for one month
Whether you’re doing dry January, sober October, or obstaning during a month without a fun rhyme, you are a fucking bummer. What, you’re just proving you can do it and then going right back? That’s sort of like rubbing it in the face of us addicts pal. Is it lonely up there on your high horse?
20. Start journaling
Really not much to report when you’re just getting blazed and eating garbage all day.
19. Travel to a new place
Do they have cannabis and junk food there? Oh, they do? Well, we have some at home and we can consume it without having to worry about a TSA agent going through our bag.
18. Write a novel
“Detective Holden McDiesel exhaled his morning bong rip through the tattered blinds of his office window, out onto the mean streets below. ‘I need a case like I need a bag of chips’ he mused to himself detectively.”
That’s as far as I got last year.
17. Start therapy
We’re not going to say we’re “too smart for therapy,” that’s a load of toxic bullshit. We’re not going to therapy because we’re already treating our traumas with potato chips and weed, and frankly, they’re doing a bang-up job. Thanks for helping me cope with my abusive father doctor Lays! Great job curbing those panic attacks doctor Mircale Alien cookies!
16. Drink water every day
Have you ever tasted this crap?! It literally tastes like nothing. We even tried dipping some chips in the water to spice it up a little and it just made the water and the chips worse, even sour cream and cheddar ruffles! If the good lord wanted us to drink water he wouldn’t have invented Mountain Dew and vodka.
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