15. Start meditating
Mental health is having a real moment going into 2024, and many claim meditation to be the number one tool at your immediate disposal to reduce anxiety and promote tranquility. I guess those people don’t have access to Gelato Durban Moon Rocks. I just topped a bowl with some and brother, my tranquility is promoted. Hell, my tranquility is CEO now, that’s how promoted my shit is dawg.
14. Write a screenplay
INT. BEDROOM
A MAN scarfs down a handful of potato chips while playing PS5. He Has a bunch of cool posters on his wall. Next to him is a BONG.
MAN
Oh Hell Yeah.
That’s as far as I got.
13. Give more compliments
Does liking stuff on social media count? If not that sounds like a whole bunch of face time which either means leaving the house where all our weed and potato chips live and cleaning our apartment enough for people to come over and that’s a lot of potato chip bags and blunt wraps to round up just to say “nice hat” or whatever and aaaahhh, pass.
12. Learn an instrument
Guitar was too hard, the bass is too lame and the keyboard is like, forget it dude, you might as well learn math. We’re getting pretty good at making music with what we have though. You would be amazed at what kind of melodies you can come up with using only the ruffling of a bag, the crunching of chips, and bong rips. It’s like organic theater, I’m a one-man “Stomp” over here!
11. Reduce screen time
Are you out of your mind? Try housing a bag of sour cream & onions blitzed out of your mind on a heavy indica without staring at a screen, it’s boring as hell!
10. Get organized
You see a cluttered room full of half-eaten chip bags, weed, and smoking paraphernalia, I see everything I need within arms reach at all times. Maximum efficiency baby.
9. Get some plants
We actually tried this one year after reading some crap about how houseplants promote tranquility, totally bogus. Those things are impossible to keep alive even if you water them every month, and when we smoked the dead leaves we didn’t even get that high! Totally ruined our 2020.
8. Write down one thing you’re grateful for every night
We’ll do you one better and write two things—potato chips and weed. Also, we’re just gonna write it down the one time, here. Streamline baby!
7. Start saving
Sometimes we get bummed out that our constant need for weed and junk food prohibits us from building up financial security, but then we remember our long-term financial goal: “Obtain weed and junk food.” We’re totally hitting quota!
6. Cook more
Why the hell would we make our own potato chips? We would only even know how to make one flavor, (plain,) and you can buy them by the bag full at the store! Maybe they mean like cooking more edibles, which does get you way more high, but again, you can buy them by the bag full at the store!
5. Look better
Some people like to switch up their style at the start of the new year. New clothes, a piercing, maybe trying out a new hairstyle. Those people must not know you can just turn the camera off when you have to do ZOOM stuff.
4. Exercise to feel better, not look better
Here we go, solid advice. Don’t concentrate on a number on the scale or a clothing size, focus on how you feel! Go ahead and do 10 pushups right now. Hurts right? Now smoke a bowl. Better? Better.
3. Start a new hobby
Okay, this one is actually pretty important. It helps keep your mind sharp. Last year my hobby was smoking fatties of Blue Dream, housing Wavy Lays with French onion dip, and playing “Breath of the Wild.” This year I’m gonna switch it up. I’m gonna get into Ms. Vicky’s jalapeno kettle chips, Apple Friter rolled with infused indica papers, and playing “Tears of the Kingdom.”
2. Watch a new movie every day
We sort of can’t believe this actually counts, but yeah technically endeavoring to watch a movie every single day is accomplishing something. We guess if you watch 365 movies in a row they can’t all be Marvel and Star Wars garbage and a “Seventh Seal” or “Breathless” is bound to wind up in there so yeah, watching a movie every single day for one year is cultural enrichment. We’re putting it number 2 on our list because it’s the least amount of effort and it goes great with number 1, which is of course…
1. Potato chips and weed baby
All day every day every year forever. Well, according to my doctor, for 10 more years max, but whatevs.
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