Do you have cold hands and really want everyone to know about it? Have you ever looked at sand and thought, ‘Mmm, I want that in my mouth’? Well, you’re in luck! We’ve compiled a list of 6 science-backed tips to stay anemic in case eating ice and getting dizzy are the most interesting things about you.
1. Give Up Meat
Okay, we know. A little obvious. But vegetarianism is the first and most vital step to lowering that iron count. Are your friends and family concerned about how you’re going to get your daily proteins and minerals? They should be. If they haven’t expressed this to you at every communal meal, consider going vegan for good measure.
2. No Bodybuilding Allowed
What are dumbbells made of? Lots of things, probably. But what are some dumbbells made of? That’s right: Iron. Our skin is extremely absorbent, and handling these weights with bare hands puts everything we’ve worked so hard for at risk. If you must make contact, wear protective gloves and goggles, but avoiding contact with weights or strenuous activity of any kind is your best option. Can’t get iron if you’re not pumping iron. Simple as that.
3. Ingest Magnets
A lot of people look down on eating magnets. Some might call it childish, others call it deadly, and most people call it “you did what?!” but we just call it getting the job done. The molecules within magnets are arranged to allow for their electrons to spin in the same direction, creating a magnetic pole. When you swallow a magnet and it passes through your system, this magnetism will attract and capture the molecules within the iron, effectively pulling it from your digestive tract and bloodstream.
4. Move to Eastern Europe
Most people believe the Iron Curtain to be a political metaphor for the division between Eastern and Western Europe during the Cold War. However, isn’t it possible that the Iron Curtain is a literal, tangible thing that filters out iron and other related minerals from the water supply? You won’t know until you try!
5. Resort to Bloodletting and Human Sacrifice
Cultivate low iron… and lifelong friendships. Trendy cults are always looking for new victims to use in bloodletting rituals and what have you. Don’t ask any questions though! Just make yourself readily available to whatever cult is located geographically closest to you, and they’ll suck your iron dry. Sure, it’s high risk, but it’s also high reward. Seriously though, do not ask any questions.
6. Just Have Fun With It!
Iron could be anyone or anywhere at any time. It’s in the air we breathe, the water we drink, and the dirt we play in. Sometimes, it’s just plain unavoidable. So if you get a little iron in your system, don’t beat yourself up about it. I mean, definitely don’t, because you will bruise.
In the wise words of Abraham Lincoln, “The only thing you have to fear is Fe itself.” We’re paraphrasing, and being extremely contrived, but keep your head high and your iron low. You got this!