NEW YORK — Centrist supervillain Devin “The Devil’s Advocater” Jameston gave an impassioned monologue today revealing his plan for global domination is just ensuring the world maintains the status quo, henchmen close to him reported.
“First, I’ll maintain all existing power structures, because they’re already doing a really good job of subjugating the masses,” cackled Jameston. “Then, I’ll acquire influence with politicians from both sides, which really only requires a shockingly small donation to their campaigns, we are talking like $75 here. Finally, I’ll take over a legacy media company to ensure any plan to help people that is more radical than a ‘Little Free Library’ will be perceived as dangerous and reactionary. Then all I have to do is sit back and watch as the world is destroyed by changing nothing at all! Best of all my arch nemesis, Moderate Man, will be powerless to stop me, unless he wants to be seen as being partisan, or worse: divisive.”
Meanwhile Johnathan “Moderate Man” Feldman was busy trying to find a way to go through the proper channels to stop The Devil’s Advocater, without coming off as too politically biased.
“Unfortunately my hands are tied — even though his evil schemes have killed millions, resorting to violence would make me just as bad as him,” said Feldman, brooding on his Substack. “I’ve tried voting, exposing his hypocrisy on Twitter, and even accepted dozens of offers to publicly debate on the Joe Rogan Experience but nothing has worked! Every time I think I have him cornered in a debate about the atrocities he’s committed, he steers the topic to trans athletes in women’s sports and he somehow escapes.”
As the two centrist titans clashed with the fate of the world in the balance, New York Times columnist Ben Staley did his best to muddy the waters of the fierce existential battle.
“Sure, The Devil’s Advocater has been involved in millions of death-related incidents, but he’s done so equally on both sides of the political aisle. In today’s divided world, that kind of nuanced commitment to balance is refreshing,” stated Staley’s Op-Ed. “And while I agree with a lot of what Moderate Man says, if he was any more preachy we’d have to start calling him Captain Cancel. The Devil’s Advocater might be a polarizing figure, but in this current political climate it would be more dangerous to not let him express his First Amendment right to monologue in great detail about how he’s going to destroy the world.”
At press time, it was also revealed that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas had failed to disclose dozens of luxury trips to the private volcano island belonging to The Devil’s Advocater.