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Guitar Treated Better Than Body

LANDSDALE, Pa. — A guitar in the care of local musician Andrew Sampson is treated with more respect and dignity than Sampson’s own body, multiple concerned sources confirmed.

“Some people just cover their guitar in stickers, man,” said the 46-year-old Sampson, holding up a mint condition vintage Gibson Les Paul and sporting a faded panther hand-tattoo and Korn album art on his atrophied bicep. “But not me, dude. You gotta care for them — they’re one-of-a-kind creations.”

Sampson, who leads guitar lessons in a poorly ventilated basement, recently lectured his students about proper guitar care.

“Keep that fretboard oiled — dehydration can be the death of a guitar,” said Sampson, polishing off his third Salted Caramel Java Monster of the morning. “And remember to store your instrument in a climate controlled area: outside toxins can affect the sound quality of your pickups,” he added before taking his seventh cigarette break of the evening.

Sampson’s students privately admitted their worry about his well being.

“Mr. Sampson has taught me a lot about guitar care. He’s, like, an expert at keeping them looking brand new,” said student Griffin Williams. “But he has this weird spot on his hand that a doctor should really take a look at. I keep telling him my uncle is a dermatologist, but he just waves me off and tells me to lint-roll the inside of my guitar case.”

Sampson, who has not been to a dentist in eight years, is a firm believer that, in taking good care of your instrument, it will take good care of you — especially while traveling.

“When I saw Andrew bought two tickets to Malibu, I was so excited,” remembered girlfriend Sarah Mullins. “Then he said it was for his guitar… because he doesn’t want it to be checked as luggage or whatever.”

Indeed, Sampson held back tears while holding up an acoustic guitar damaged by Southwest Airlines last year.

“Those baggage handlers are monsters, man. I can’t bear to see anything I love being thrown around like that,” Sampson said before driving downtown to see Mullins’ roller derby team and forgetting her helmet on the kitchen table. “I’ll do anything to keep my guitar safe.”

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