WASHINGTON — President Biden’s struggling campaign was given a sudden boost with his approval numbers at record highs after releasing a blistering diss track aimed at Drake, confirmed sources who might actually vote this year.
“After that awful performance in the debate, I was ready to write Biden off,” said Representative Lloyd Doggett, D-Austin, who had called for Biden to step down and let someone else take on Donald Trump in November. “But after I heard the track, called ‘1812,’ I thought, oh shit, Biden is popping off! Getting Dr. Dre to produce it was a masterstroke and that guest verse by Kamala Harris? I didn’t know she could spit that fast. Yeah, I finished it and just went back to the start and had to run that shit back.”
Biden detractors feel like the track is a cheap attempt to grab youth votes after the poor debate performance and the media’s constant reporting on his age.
“It’s all just a ploy,” said Robert Finney, a Trump supporter and writer for the Daily Wire. “Dropping a blistering diss track against a corny-ass colonizer is the oldest trick in the book. Bill Clinton dropped one against Vanilla Ice in the early ‘90s which paved the way to the White House for him and I’m shocked Biden is just repeating a hackneyed idea. Also, Biden is very old. That’s why I’m voting for the younger Trump.”
Experts were quick to weigh in on the track that was dropped at midnight on the official White House YouTube channel.
“Not since Nas’ ‘Ether’ or Kendrick Lamar’s recent ‘Not Like Us’ have we heard such an intense lyrical takedown of a pop culture icon,” said Maria Prescott, a musical historian and an expert on rap beefs. “Biden drops all kinds of double, triple, and even quadruple entendre while degrading Drake’s record sales, swag, entourage, and time on ‘Degrassi.’ The spoken word opening in which he says that Drake can download the song as a PDF file made me pause the track and pour myself a drink. It’s a brutal opening and really sets the tone for the onslaught that follows.”
At press time, Drake was seen staring out windows while a single tear fell from his eye.
Their selection of DeWalt power tools may be expensive, but what isn’t expensive is the grey hanes sweatshirt you’re using to conceal it as you breeze through the entrance doors with ease. A beep from door sensors might go off but most of the employees couldn’t give two shits to take any sort of action. They’re too busy listening to boomer Deb describing the new light fixtures she’s going to install in her in-law unit and praying for one to drop on their skull. Enjoying keeping your newly acquired items or dump them at your local flea market for some quick cash.
The company recently filed for bankruptcy due to declining sales over the past few years, or so they say. But we all knew what was leading to the downfall, you and your D-Beat friends having easy access to an endless supply of Soda Streams and an emergency exit door with an alarm that didn’t work. Also, you’d be shocked at how easy it is to walk out with a comforter underneath your arm as long as you just act confident. Beyond worth exploiting.
For some odd reason, you can still find some of these stores that put name brand shirts and jackets right by the front entrance. You can execute an in and out product grab within a matter of seconds. Remember, just because someone is wearing a referee shirt doesn’t mean they had to pass a physical fitness test to get it. Snatching shoes can be on the trickier side but is still doable. Working in teams is usually best for this. Ask for some shoes, try them on, and then have your friend distract the employee with some punishing conversation about Travis Scott Jordans. It’s like a shittier version of Ocean’s Eleven.
We here at Hard Times never played a PS5 game that we didn’t like. We also never met a Gamestop employee that was physically capable of clearing the front counter by the time we had darted out the front door with some overpriced collector’s edition game.
There is never anyone in here (including the employees). Feel free to take your time and shop around before exiting the store through the front door with B12 vitamins in your hand like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.
A store with prices so outrageous shoplifting from here is more to make a political point that it is for an easy grift. They are currently having a sale where produce is currently 20% off. It turns out you can take another 80% off if you stuff the oranges in your backpack with the Wolfbrigade backpatch and exit through their rarely watched side entrance.
Important to note that ladies will have a much easier time getting in and out of here unnoticed. It is impossible for any guy to go in here solo and not look like a total scum bag. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a guy in here by himself and didn’t think that he has an active restraining order? Ladies, feel free to load up your bags and stroll out the front door. Ain’t nothin’ happening.
Almost no explanation necessary at this point. Everyone’s social media feed is peppered with footage from Walgreens getting robbed with ease and not a damn thing being done about it from staff or the third-party security guards they hired. In the realm of stores with no-chase policies, this one is a lay-up shot. Bring a friend and make a game out of how many bars of Dove deodorant you can load up in your sweatpants.
Much like its competitor Walgreens, the competition also appears to be bleeding into the realm of which store is easier to steal from. 8 times out of 10 you are probably going to run into someone who is also in the process of ripping something off. Feel free to strike up a conversation and make a new friend. You can rest easy knowing you are making connections and won’t be getting tackled by store staff.
Second floor fire escape. Just do it.