How I Pioneered a New Genre by Being Bad at Playing My Favorite Genre

Posted on by Matt McInerney

I can remember hearing “Revolver” for the first time. I stole my dad’s guitar off the wall and tried to play along. He walked by and asked, “Is that The Monkees?” I’ve always wanted to play like my heroes. I just never could.

I started my first band in middle school. All we wanted to do was play sick Clapton licks. And we kind of did—at quarter speed. I figured I’d speed it up eventually, but by the time our first show arrived, still no luck. Instead, we just cranked our gain to ten so no one could tell what we were playing. As a slow, sludgy sound rang through the room, not a soul knew it was a cover. Not even a young Tony Iommi who stood in the back, wide-eyed.

I played in dozens of rock bands in the decades to follow but eventually, I moved on to a jazz quartet. I should have known four arrhythmic white guys wasn’t a great idea. Every practice was a cacophony of random time signatures and abrupt tempo changes. One day I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I started screaming over the noise. As I shouted, a man wandered by our space. “What do you call this new sound?” he asked. I didn’t have an answer. “It’s like nothing I’ve ever heard. Can you even count to four? You had math in your core curriculum, right? Hey, that’s got a ring to it. Anyway, my name’s Marvin.” He rushed to a payphone to call his cousin Chuck Dillinger to tell him about this ‘mathcore.’

We had a good run, but I got tired of failing so publicly. Eventually, I gave up bands altogether and began my ambient solo career. I figured my first show would be easy—just play MP3s from my laptop. What could go wrong? I plugged in my MacBook, but I couldn’t stop it from buzzing through the sound system. As the volume went up, I froze as the harsh wall of noise washed over the audience. I just wanted to hide my face. And yet, somehow people liked it. So they just kept booking me.

It’s still embarrassing, so I’ve started wearing a bag over my head. Even the audience started doing it too. You’d think eventually I’d figure out the USB cables, but no luck yet. At least ticket sales aren’t bad.

Metalhead Asks if He Can Change Into Morbid Angel Shirt Before Taking Mugshot

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

CLEARWATER, Fla. — Local metalhead Rickey Ray Reynolds asked officers if he could change into his favorite Morbid Angel t-shirt before his mugshot was taken after being arrested for public intoxication, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest late Saturday night, police records report.

“It’s not every day you get a professional photo taken that’s going to be plastered all over the newspapers. Every time I was arrested before this I was either shirtless or my shirt got shredded in the scuffle,” said Reynolds, brushing out his long hair in the cramped police station’s booking area. “This time I am going to make it count. I want to showcase my real self and make sure my mugshot screams ‘metal’ and not some poser that got arrested for tax evasion or some shit. After all, how often do you get a chance to immortalize yourself in the pages of history with your favorite band shirt?!”

Sargent Rick Copeland, Reynolds’ arresting officer, remarked on the peculiar request.

“Honestly, I’ve never seen someone so excited about getting their mugshot and I live in Florida,” Copeland said after driving Reynolds to his apartment to retrieve the shirt. “He kept talking about how Morbid Angel might see the photo and be impressed. We actually indulged him because this was his third strike, so he won’t be getting another mugshot taken for quite some time. But now he’s taking forever because he can’t decide between his ‘Blessed Are the Sick’ album shirt or his ‘American Heretic’ Tour shirt.”

Dr. Ellen Fairfax, a fashion expert and connoisseur of personal expression, weighed in on the importance of incorporating personality into one’s attire.

“It’s crucial to infuse your fashion choices with your personality, especially when others will be scrutinizing the outcome – no matter how dire the situation,” Dr. Fairfax explained. “Everyone remembers David Bowie’s glamorously chic mugshot from 1976, no one even remembers why he was arrested. Reynolds’ decision to rock a Morbid Angel shirt in his mugshot is a bold statement. In the realm of personal branding, even a mugshot can be an opportunity to express yourself.”

As of press time, Reynolds had managed to sneak his beloved Morbid Angel shirt into prison and now wears it under his orange coveralls.

The Rolling Stones Add Baby to Band to Bring Down Average Age

Posted on by Tim Graham

LONDON — The Rolling Stones announced the addition of an 18-month old baby in a bid to lower the average age of the band’s members, according to starstruck infants who attended preschool with the newest Stone.

“Keith and I are both 80, and Ronnie, the previous ‘new kid’ is 77,” said frontman Mick Jagger while nearly being toppled by a light breeze. “There’s been some grousing about people not wanting to see a band whose members are as, let’s say, mature as us, so we brought in baby Nigel. Now our average age is about 59, and we feel younger already! Also, it doesn’t hurt that the birds are so infatuated with him. They line up and beg to meet Nige after the show. It’s been a while since any women under 60 have tried to get backstage.”

Lifelong fan Kip Dittman thinks the new member adds some much-needed vitality to the venerable band.

“I’ve been listening to the Stones since I was a kid,” said Dittman as he freshened his gin and Metamucil. “I think bringing some new blood into the group is a good idea. The guys are definitely slowing down, but just like every old person, they perk right up when a baby comes ‘round. I heard Nigel’s contract requires concerts to end by 7:00 p.m., which is just fine with me. That means I’ll be able to catch the new ‘Taskmaster’ after next week’s show if traffic is light.”

Rock journalist Penelope Rogers says this is just another in a long line of stunts that elderly bands pull in an attempt to remain relevant.

“I’ve seen a lot of desperate moves by aging bands, but this takes the cake,” said Rogers. “It’s typical for bands to perform their songs tuned down a step or two to compensate for an older singer’s diminished vocal range. Or, in the case of Iron Maiden, they pump the stage so full of fog you can barely see the band, much less how withered and frail they are. Once I saw Iggy Pop and I swear he was using binder clips on his back to pull his sagging skin tight…but a baby, really?”

At press time, Darryl Jones, the Stones’ nearly anonymous bassist since 1993, had been asked if all the attention baby Nigel was getting bothered him, stating “I don’t give a fuck as long as the checks keep coming.”

I’m My Own Worst Enemy Too but I Guess a Song About Cheese Induced IBS Doesn’t Hit as Hard as Drunk Driving and Calling Your Girl a Bitch

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Dear Lit,

Yeah, it’s pretty easy to write a hit rock song about self-sabotage that lights up an entire generation when you’re cool, isn’t it? But when you were busy making millions singing about parking your car on the lawn and screaming at some poor woman, did you ever think about people like me? What about the everyman or woman who engages in daily self-sabotage? Are there to be no groupies for us? No adoring fans for self-hating losers? No panties thrown at our be-Croc’ed feet? I say enough is enough.

I say, nay, decree that it isn’t any less bad-ass that I eat an entire pizza without taking dairy pills, knowing full well I’ll be hot boxing my bedroom with my own farts all night and barely sleep a wink. You can’t put that to a catchy guitar riff? I call that a skill issue. My skill issue, sure, but still. What about how I only put 20 minutes in the meter knowing the doctor’s office isn’t even going to call me back there for another 30? That sounds pretty hard to me. Or try this: I called my mom when I already knew she was having a bad day. Talk about masochistic! But you’re trying to tell me I can’t seduce a woman who ignores red flags with a chorus about any of that?

My blatant disregard for myself is no less rock n’ roll just because I don’t have spikey frosted tips. We’re not all lucky enough to be alcoholics in an abusive relationship, okay?

I work hard to ruin my life every day in every conceivable way and I deserve to sell out a stadium! And trust me, I’ve tried! They do not like that I keep calling! But I will not stop trying! I won’t stop starting shit with people on Instagram and ruining my entire day, and I won’t stop writing songs about it and sending the lyrics to managers begging them to take me on! I refuse to be silenced by your shittier-than-thou attitude or by any venue’s cease-and-desist letters! My liver may be intact and I may have a spotless driving record, but I am a piece of crap, too, dammit, and I deserve to be respected as such!

STUDY: Fuck It, Scrolling on Your Phone Before Bed Actually Good For You

Posted on by Malia Simon

BOSTON – Researchers at Harvard University studying the negative effects of phone usage before bed concluded that nothing fucking matters and you should do whatever you want if you it makes you feel good.

“Honestly, at this point, who cares?” explained Harvard neuropsychologist Dr. Melissa Claremont. “We know you’re not reading those articles on circadian rhythms. So fuck it, here’s a ‘study’ that just lets you do what you were going to do anyway. For our method, we basically took two groups, experimental and control, and told them both to just do whatever they want since we only have about 35 liveable years left on this planet. So far we haven’t noticed any major differences between the two groups, but to be fair that’s mostly because none of us really give a shit anymore.”

Study participant Jeremiah Mosley reports on his experience as being part of the experimental group.

“It was great,” Mosley said. “Finally, a scientific study that’s just about living in the moment and enjoying yourself. I had a feeling all that ‘blue light causes severe sleep deprivation’ stuff was just a scam by Big Science to bum us all out. I was able to catch up on so much Tik Tok I somehow ended up on UFC queer theories. Cool shit. In general, I feel healthy as ever. I’ve been meaning to mail a thank you card to the researchers, but it’s a little hard to get to the Post Office since I only sleep during daylight hours.”

Still, others question the validity of the study.

“It goes against the mountains of evidence to suggest that the phone’s blue light actually causes damage to our moods, our sleep patterns, and our ability to focus and stay alert,” said psychologist Dr. Linda Hoffman. “This study perpetuates a dangerous complacency with the pervasiveness of screens in our everyday life—”

Unfortunately, Dr. Hoffman’s interview was cut short due to loud booing and fart noises coming from her colleagues in the lab.

At press time, Clavicle’s team was working on a study suggesting that an attention span of 25 seconds is actually a sign of intelligence and not a threat to either brain chemistry or society on the whole.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Judging Olympic Athletes From Our Couch

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Another summer is passing you by. You’ve made and canceled plans, talked about going on grand trips that will never happen, and promised to listen to tons of new music that you had no intention of actually hearing. It’s time to put an end to this standstill. You deserve to blossom before winter comes and you start using that as an excuse to do nothing. Here are six new songs that you should probably play on a Bluetooth speaker outside. We’re worried about you.

Opeth ‘§1’

Opeth announced their 14th album, ‘The Last Will & Testament.’ Notably, the album will feature several contributions from Jethro Tull frontman Ian Anderson, which is basically the prog-rock equivalent of taking the gold in every Olympic event. Along with the announcement, they’ve released a condensed version of album opener ‘§1.’ We’re sure the album version is probably at least 30 minutes long, so we’re happy to have the Cliffs Notes here.

Better Lovers ‘A White Horse Covered In Blood’

Awww shiiiiiiit, y’all. Better Lovers is back, and as if you needed to ask, they still fucking shred. After an EP that nearly killed everyone in our office, the band announced their debut LP, ‘Highly Irresponsible,’ which we’re sure will finish the job. Their latest single, ‘A White Horse Covered In Blood’ is such an absolute assault that we’ve been working from home all week out of fear for our wellbeing.

Evergreen Terrace ‘Jail On Christmas’

If you noticed your Hot Topic stock suddenly on the rise, it’s probably because metalcore vets Evergreen Terrace released their first single in over a decade. ‘Jail On Christmas’ manages to shove everything you loved about the early aughts – except for your shitty ex – into a crisp minute and a half – which we guess could be reminiscent of your shitty ex too.

Guided By Voices ‘I Am A Scientist (30th Anniversary Edition)’

Dayton Ohio’s lo-fi DIY legends are celebrating the 30th anniversary of their breakthrough LP ‘Bee Thousand’ this year, which somehow feels like it simultaneously came out yesterday and at the dawn of time. To mark the occasion, the band recorded some higher def versions of two of the album’s most notable tracks. The first, and arguably one of the band’s most well known, ‘I Am A Scientist’ is out now with a sheen that matches the intensity of GBV’s live shows.

Iron & Wine ‘Never Meant (American Football Cover)’

Earlier this month, American Football set the emo world ablaze by sharing a cryptic sound bite with the caption ‘track one.’ While many were hoping it was a sign of new music, the band was actually sharing a snippet of Iron & Wine’s version of ‘Never Meant.’ The cover is set to appear alongside a slew of others honoring the 25th anniversary of the band’s genre defying debut LP. While we are sad to not have new AF in our lives, this cover will have to suffice.

Snail Mail ‘Tonight, Tonight (Smashing Pumpkins Cover)’

Want to admire the songwriting prowess of Billy Corgan without actually having to listen to Billy Corgan? We get it. Fortunately there’s a fresh new way to do so via Snail Mail’s cover of the classic ‘Tonight, Tonight.’ The track has been a staple in her live shows for a while now, but a proper studio version was crafted for a cut scene from the indie-film sensation ‘I Saw The TV Glow.’ Which is great, because we all know you don’t have the attention span for a whole movie anyway.

Too lazy to make your own playlist? Yeah, we thought so. That’s why we’ve taken the time to do it for you. You’ll find these songs and countless others by clicking here. Be sure to give it a follow or like or whatever Spotify is calling it now so you always have a way of tricking your loved ones into thinking you actually have hobbies and interest.

“The Blair Witch Project” at 25: We Remind Our Idiot Friend That He Insisted It Was Real

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Every friend group has one—the person who, despite all evidence to the contrary, insists on believing the most outrageous things. For us, it’s Greg. And as we celebrate the 25th anniversary of the cultural touchstone “The Blair Witch Project,” we can’t help but reminisce about the time Greg was absolutely convinced the movie was a documentary.

“It is real, man!” Greg declared, eyes wide with a mix of fear and conviction, back in 1999. “I saw it on the internet! But if you look at the footage closely, it’s clear something really happened out there. The way they filmed it, the panic—it’s all too real to be just made up. I’m telling you, the whole thing was supposed to be a secret. The movie isn’t fiction; it’s the real deal!”

Ah, yes. The internet, the final arbiter of truth and reason. Never mind that the filmmakers, cast, and even the town of Burkittsville had gone on record multiple times to clarify that it was all make-believe. Greg was steadfast in his belief, quoting obscure forums and dodgy fan sites as his sources.

“We spent over $100 on theater tickets to see it multiple times just to humor him,” recalls our friend Jessica. “And every time, he pointed out the same ‘proofs’—the shaky camera work, the missing posters, the interviews with locals. It was surreal.”

Greg’s dedication to the “truth” of “The Blair Witch Project” went beyond just multiple viewings. He researched “Blair Witch” lore like it was his job. He’d show up to hang out and have a new tidbit printed off from some random listserv, like how the actors used their real names or how the directors had to pretend that it was a fake documentary or the distributor wouldn’t put it out because the kids died.

“Remember that time we asked him to come camping?” laughs Jessica. “He refused to go into the woods without a GPS, a satellite phone, and enough supplies to survive an apocalypse. He said he didn’t want to be the next Blair Witch victim. It was hilarious and sad at the same time.”

Dr. Christina Harmon, professor of Urban Legends and Folklore at Washington University, provides some insight into Greg’s unwavering belief.

“It’s not uncommon for people to cling to sensational stories, especially when they feel they have uncovered a hidden truth,” Dr. Harmon explained. “In Greg’s case, his insistence that ‘The Blair Witch Project’ was real likely provided a sense of adventure and importance. It’s the same psychological mechanism that drives conspiracy theories and urban legends.”

Despite our best efforts to enlighten Greg over the years, his conviction never wavered. Even when the actors appeared on talk shows, very much alive and discussing their roles, Greg dismissed it as a cover-up.

Finally, sometime after college and the film had dissipated into a pop culture footnote, Greg relented and admitted how silly it was that he believed it was real. But that doesn’t mean we ever let him forget it.

But the best part? Greg absolutely hates how much we bring it up. Every Halloween, every movie night, every casual mention of camping—we never miss an opportunity to remind him.

“Come on, guys, it was 25 years ago,” Greg texted in the group chat as recently as last week, but we just can’t help ourselves. “Let it go already!”

Every birthday and Christmas we get Greg a VHS or DVD copy of the movie, which drives him crazy. Here is hoping they release a 4K version before the holidays. We even threw his bachelor party in Burkittsville, Maryland where it was filmed. We had T-shirts made that said, “I’m a Blair Witch Believer.” He refused to wear it, but the rest of us wore them proudly all weekend.

“Seriously, it’s not funny anymore,” Greg insisted when reached for comment about this article. But it’s tradition now, and I’m sure we will tell his kids all about it when they are old enough. So here’s to 25 more years of “The Blair Witch Project,” and to Greg—our dumb, gullible friend.

Uncle Obsessed with World War II Somehow Blind to Encroaching International Fascism

Posted on by Alex Vlahov

BEND, Ore. — Local amateur historian and occasional beloved family member Paul Poppavich vehemently dismisses news of fascism’s rising international tide, despite an encyclopedic knowledge of World War II history, confirmed sources who didn’t want to sit next to him at dinner.

“Sure, America did a lot for the Allies, but that’s old news. We’ve got to cut off our diplomatic ties. America first!” claimed Poppavich, raising a fist in pain despite a fractured arm from a golf course fall. “When I think about those boys storming the beach in Normandy, my heart swells with pride. But all of this current fake news pouring in from Ukraine, Gaza, and the Congo doesn’t line up with my own research online. All these journalists and historians are paid lefty Communist actors, and that’s a fact. There is absolutely no tie between the vermin Nazi scum we beat in the past, and those cleancut white gentlemen marching out in the street waving the ol’ stars and stripes. You think living under Stalin was scary? I bet the woke mob is right outside my front door!”

The uncle’s niece Lara Poppavich shared discomfort over his mental disconnect.

“You’d think a man versed in international conflict could possibly see what’s on the horizon, especially with Europe shifting to the right, or North Korea and Russia growing closer,” complained the 23-year-old during a smoke break. “For someone that loves celebrating American victories from eight decades ago, Uncle Paul casually flirts with facism every single day. He directs his anger toward immigrants, gun restrictions, and the end of cursive in schools. He thinks journalists should be restricted, and wants to put ‘undesirables in camps’ without ever explicitly stating what that means. It’s a long laundry list of potential targets: he has a thing against people on bikes, celebrities, and Mariners fans. His hatred casts a wide net.”

Liz Trunchpack, director of Oregon’s WWII Heritage Museum, sings the uncle’s praises despite a few hiccups.

“Paul is one of our most impassioned docents and remains a frequently requested tour guide. That is, until current events come up in conversation,” said Trunchpack aboard a decommissioned battleship. “If it’s the past, we’re fine. He’s a terrific translator of history. Just don’t bring up the newscycle and especially the election. I’ve heard him spout the phrase ‘coastal elites’ more than I care to share. After work, I’ve had to ask Paul not to discuss conspiracy theories with guests in the parking lot, and not to stalk them on social media to see who the ‘real Americans’ are. At least he’s no longer recruiting for his raid on the State Library to expose the ‘New World Order.’ That was a whole HR headache for months.”

At press time, Poppavich signed up for a local history group’s WWII reenactment, requesting a position within the Axis powers, specifically the USSR since he “likes Putin’s style.”

Sad: Somebody Matched My Freak and Now We’re Both in State Prison

Posted on by Dom Turek

After years of circling the dating drain pool, I was almost ready to give up and accept my fate as an angry solitary woman who said things like, “Knock it off,” and “Your dog can’t be off leash here,” but as fate would have it, I received a notification from a long-forgotten dating app. An eligible bachelor with the username broken_farts_club thought I was hot and wanted to take me to a craft brewery. “Why not?” I thought. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

As with most first dates, the conversation was strained and uncomfortable, but the awkwardness didn’t stand a chance once the server dropped off our third pitcher of German pilsner.

The sexual tension was palpable and the second he “accidentally” grazed my knee under the table, I knew we were headed for pound town. We decided to drive back to my place despite numerous pleas from the waitstaff and even some concerned customers urging us to “call an Uber.” Don’t they know it’s not considered drunk driving if the beer was brewed locally?

It was such a nice change of pace to be with a guy who wasn’t overly concerned with the law. Just as I was gazing over at him thinking about our future together, a man in the car next to us gave us the middle finger and accused us of “swerving all over the damn road like a couple of assholes.” I’m sorry, but putting your life at risk for a few seconds on the highway is no excuse for that kind of language. Almost as if ruled by telepathy, my new soulmate and I silently agreed to terrorize this man within an inch of his sanity.

I couldn’t believe my eyes when my date pulled out a bag of rotting fruit and other miscellaneous hand-held items from under his seat, because I too had a bag of weapons-adjacent items in my car that I used to commit unwarranted acts of road rage. Laughing maniacally, we reached into the bag and began to pelt the Toyota Camry with a barrage of rotten tomatoes, small rocks, and old take-out containers. Was this love?

We were having the time of our life tailgating the Camry and covering it with debris, but in all our ecstasy, we didn’t realize he’d led us right to the local police station. The gig was up. Turns out when you find somebody to match your freak, you also might find yourself facing up to two years in prison for reckless endangerment, menacing, and harassment.

Taylor Swift Releases Album to Overshadow Friend’s Engagement Announcement

Posted on by Sean Fallon

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Michelle Reynolds was horrified to find her recent engagement announcement completely overshadowed by her friend Taylor Swift intentionally releasing an album on the same day, confirmed uneasy sources.

“I was so excited to show everyone the ring,” said Reynolds, who has been with her fiancee for five years. “The problem was that as soon as I started talking about it, everyone kept changing the subject to Taylor’s new album which conveniently dropped minutes after Jimmy proposed. And you know she’s done this just to take the attention from me. That’s why she called the album ‘Engagement’ and the first single ‘A Wedding That’s Not Mine.’ She also tweeted ‘I do’ followed by a link to the new song. Tay Tay has gone too far this time. I’ll probably still buy the record though.”

Swift acknowledged the coincidental nature of the album’s timing.

“When Michelle said to me that she thought Jimmy was going to propose, I had to get back into the studio,” said Swift from aboard her private jet as she flew to her favorite juice place on the other side of town. “I was just inspired, y’know? Love is such a muse. And no, I didn’t try to spoilt their sweet moment by releasing my most personal album ever as soon as I saw her Instagram announcement. I’m not some kind of narcissist who must always be number one. I just like to make music that stays atop the charts for 365 days a year. I even have an acoustic track ready to go for their potential pregnancy announcement as a nice little companion piece. And anyway, if you criticize me for that kind of thing, you’re a bad feminist.”

Music journalist Matt Munroe has written extensively about Swift’s prior offenses with this kind of thing.

“Whenever another pop star gets the spotlight, Swift appears,” said Munroe. “Charli XCX, Chappell Roan, and Sabrina Carpenter have all seen new albums, special editions, and acoustic tracks released by Swfit to dominate the charts and keep them from the top. Oh, I can see Swift is releasing a track right now to overshadow this interview. It’s literally called ‘Stop Reading and Buy My Records.’ She’s out of control.”

At press time, Swift was happy to report that during the release of Katy Perry’s new album, she can take a holiday as there is nothing to overshadow.