Six Songs We Listened To This Week After Raygun Apologized To The Breakdancing Community and We Could Finally Relax

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Well folks, it’s been another week in a seemingly endless cycle of weeks. Like Sysiphus and his rock, you’ve done meaningless tasks that seem to generate even more meaningless tasks. It’s time to take a break from the hustle and bustle and focus on what matters: tricking your streaming service algorithm into auto-playing new and relevant music to dazzle your friends on drives and at parties. Here are six brand new songs that will hopefully make the bots think you actually care about current trends in music and art.

Pinhead Gunpowder “Unt”

Billie Joe Armstrong’s longtime side project, Pinhead Gunpowder, released their first and only proper full length album nearly thirty years ago. Other than a handful of EPs, we’re not sure what Armstrong has been doing the last few decades. It seems that he’s finally come to his senses, though. That’s right, Pinhead Gunpowder is back. Their latest single and title track to their forthcoming album ‘Unt’ is bare bones power pop that will make you long for the days you could skate without your knee making that weird noise.

Genital Shame “Out of My Hands”

Pittsburgh’s Genital Shame – the solo project of super-shredder and multi-instrumentalist Erin Dawson – just released a new EP. As is true on previous releases, ‘As Good As A Kiss’ is a confounding listen that pushes the boundaries of black metal while practically redefining the genre in its entirety. It’s hard to imagine such a sonic assault – we mean that as a compliment – being produced by just one person, but Dawson has done it and we hope she never stops.

Video Age “Record Shop”

New Orlean’s Video Age has been crafting delicate and dreamy indie-pop since their formation in 2016. Their West Coast meets the South sound pairs well with attempting to smile for once and pretending nothing scary is ever happening in the world. Their latest track, an innocent ode to crate digging entitled ‘Record Shop,’ will help you accomplish both for three of the most pleasant minutes of your week.

MJ Lenderman “On My Knees”

MJ Lenderman’s highly anticipated album ‘Manning Fireworks’ is finally here. While Lenderman cranks the gain in his breakout project Wednesday, his solo material leans heavier into the more pensive Americana infused side of the indie rock realm. Album highlight ‘On My Knees’ splits the difference well but the entire record will have you itching to pick up your guitar for five minutes before getting frustrated with yourself again.

Ethel Cain “For Sure (American Football cover)”

Like most nerds, we often find ourselves wishing our favorite American Football songs would never end. No one can promise forever, but Ethel Cain has the next best thing. Recorded for the 25th anniversary of American Football’s eponymous debut, the experimental artist’s dreamy-as-fuck version of ‘For Sure’ clocks in at nearly 10 minutes, which may as well be an eternity considering modern attention spans.

Soft Kill “Circles (Dag Nasty cover)”

Portland post-punk quartet Soft Kill have been operating at a dizzying clip recently, and it seems they are physically incapable of not releasing music. While this kind of output could yield inconsistent results for a lesser band, Soft Kill has offered nothing but gold. Their latest EP, ‘Roseland,’ comes in at the heels of this year’s excellent LP ‘Escape Forever.’ Its three tracks encapsulates the band’s growth over the years, and the Dag Nasty cover is a nice finishing touch.

Because we know you’re too despondent to do it yourself, we’ve compiled these and several other questionable tunes into a playlist for you. It’s literally the least we could do. Click here to like, follow, and trick your friends into thinking you’re a tastemaker in the world of punk, indie, hardcore and metal.

Rookie Mistake! You Laughed At One of His Jokes and He Responded “Can I Kiss You?”

Posted on by Rachel Hein

So you laughed, huh? You screwed the pooch. You got too comfortable, let your guard down for just a moment, and you looked him in the eye, with your big, sparkling, beautiful eyes, and laughed at his wisecrack. And look. what. happened. He reminded you exactly why you should never ever do that by immediately asking if he could kiss you. Come on, you’re better than that. Take a moment to think about what you did, where you went wrong, and the dangers of laughing at their jokes.

Sources nearby told us they saw it coming from a mile away. “It was after a work event. She was wearing heels, and it was the end of the night so her feet hurt. He said he’d switch shoes with her but only if she was prepared for his catwalk strut… or some shit. I think it was a combination of the relief from the social anxiety and a silly fashion joke that put her at ease. When I heard her laugh, I thought ‘oh no…’”

Another female bystander added, “Yeah, you really can’t make those kind of errors. Especially so late in the game. He lit up, his entire disposition changed. It was like the laugh was a red mushroom in Super Mario Bros that made him physically stronger, more powerful, brazen…”

Promptly came those four words like loaded pistols, “Can I kiss you?” Even after your graceful and compassionate rebuff, preserving what you could of his dignity, he still shot back with, “Can I at least get a hug?” “That’s when I had to look away,” the bystander added, just shaking her head.

There are plenty of things that can cloud your judgment and make you think it’s safe to laugh in the company of a man. A man in your yoga class, a man who dated your sister, a man with long well-kept fingernails, a man who’s working on himself in therapy, a man who generously gave you a ride home one time, or a man who noticed you cut your hair seven inches, just to name a few. There are also no safe locations. Just because you’re at your dad’s funeral doesn’t mean it’s safe to express any emotion that could be taken as romantic interest. You must stay vigilant and make no exceptions.

Though rare, it’s important to remember men can be funny. There are instances when the thing you laughed at was actually genuinely comical. In which case your diaphragm contracting is not a careless blunder from nerves and anxiety, pity, courtesy, exhaustion, fear, embarrassment, or weaponized charm… It’s a real, true undeniable, uncontrollable paroxysmal response. For cases like these, the only options are denial and death.

Rhino XXL Male Enhancement Pills Secret Recipe Only Known By Two VIPs That Can’t Travel Together

Posted on by Matt Husser

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Protectors of the Rhino XXL Male Enhancement Pills recipe have reportedly been prohibited from traveling together in case disaster befell the two VIPs entrusted with the secret gas station boner pill formula, protected sources have confirmed.

“Across this great nation, millions of hardworking, limp-dicked Americans rely on Rhino XXL pills to overcome their whisky wiener when their missus gets a little frisky after the casino. I take that responsibility very seriously, as well as the oath I swore to protect this secret recipe of 13 exotic herbs and animal powders,” said the Rhino XXL VIP, who goes by the codename ”Rooster.” “That’s why me and ‘Cobra’ are never allowed to travel in the same vehicle, or even come within 10 square miles of each other. If both of us were to die in an accident, the Rhino XXL formula would be lost, Chevron stations would run dry, and thousands of mighty members would fall with us.”

Rhino XXL Head of Security Dale Quincy revealed a series of rigorous protocols were in place to guarantee the integrity of the male enhancement pill’s secret recipe.

“It’s my job to ensure nothing happens to our VIPs, and that’s why our rock solid security system is tighter than a gator’s ass in a hurricane,” said Quincy, scanning his retina to enter the secure command center nicknamed ”The Rhino’s Horn.” “The Horn is where we monitor our VIPs, tracking everything from their vital signs to current GPS location. If the unthinkable should ever happen and we lost the secret recipe, well, let’s just say that the American flag wouldn’t be the only thing in this country flying at half mast. I just pray that the day I have to call in ‘Code Blue Balls’ never comes.”

The secrecy around the recipe is reportedly so rigid that even CEO Bert Trowell has been left in the dark for his own safety.

“Our male enhancement pills make up the front bone of this country, and I’m far too much of a public figure to be trusted with such a vital recipe. I travel everywhere from Tijuana to Indianapolis on business, and if I was kidnapped by a Mexican cartel or a Juggalo gang I could be tortured until I gave up the secret,” said Trowell, lighting an enormous cigar. “Thankfully our company’s founder, Drew Peacock, had the foresight to install this VIP system when he pioneered the company back in the 1800s. We’ve had a few close calls over the years, but his innovative vision has helped maintain the integrity of our manhood medicine and ensure that generations of road-weary travelers can continue to get up and ‘keep on truckin’ in hourly motel rooms.”

Rival companies have reportedly spent millions in research and development to try to reverse engineer the Rhino XXL formula, with the closest attempt resulting in the original Four Loko recipe.

Stolen Valor? This Guy Got His Marlboro Windbreaker From a Vintage Store and Not From Smoking Cigarettes

Posted on by Ben Friedman

We used to be a proper country, one with dignity and appreciation for the sacrifices people made in order to make it great. There was once a time when men and women would burn through cartons of Marlboro cigarettes every month in order to mail them in for a sweet red and white windbreaker. It was worn as a badge of honor.

That was until yesterday when I had the unfortunate experience of interacting with an uncultured 23-year-old who was wearing a Marlboro jacket he obtained from a vintage store, and not from smoking copious amounts of cigarettes.

“I love the 90’s aesthetic, and the colors are cool. Wasn’t Marlboro also a NASCAR thing? It’s just a good jacket for chilling on the patio in the fall. I was on the fence between this and a Charlotte Hornets Starter jacket, but this one didn’t smell like a wet basement. But $35 isn’t too bad for a vintage piece like this.”

This unrepentant rube thinks it’s only worth $35? This is a hard-earned badge of honor that came at the expense of someone’s personal well-being! It’s beyond egregious that this young man thinks he could walk into a second hand store and stand on the shoulders of giants. If the owner of this jacket is still alive, he’d likely be throwing a fit through his oxygen mask.

Does he understand the sacrifice it took to accrue that many Marlboro points to obtain that jacket originally? It sure as hell wasn’t through ripping strawberry vapes like I assume he does. Jesus, it was like looking at someone eating Arby’s in a tuxedo.

“Is it really that terrible to only wear something old just because it’s cool? I didn’t know I was supposed to do all this work beforehand but whatever. I probably should’ve bought that camouflage Camel hat instead.”

Honestly, the biggest issue I have is with whoever was selling this windbreaker in the first place. It’s unconscionable that someone would allow another person to cosplay as one’s chronically ill deadbeat uncle because it’s a “vibe”.

I just hope this kid’s parents have enough good sense to make him smoke enough Marlboro Reds to realize tobacco-based paraphernalia is earned by either grinding out enough packs to earn it or inheriting it from a relative who died from lung cancer, the way nature intended.

Country Musician Put Out of Work by AI Capable of Boot Licking Ten Times Faster

Posted on by Ben Friedman

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Up-and-coming country music singer Johnny “Slim” Wilkins saw his dreams of stardom crushed after finding out he was being replaced by an AI songwriter capable of creating bootlicking ballads ten times faster, industry insiders have confirmed.

“I can’t believe I spent seven goddamn years grinding and clawing my way to the top just to be replaced by dang robot mashin’ up words together. Blindly lionizing our boys in blue has been the cornerstone of country music since 2001 and if that’s taken away from us, who the hell is gonna play the county fairs and Ford dealership openings of our great nation?” said a solemn Wilkins as he readjusted his custom-made MAGA cowboy hat. “My dream of opening for a Trump rally in Branson is completely crushed. I may not be able to crank out 20 songs a minute about rounding up and arresting liberals, but I need to put food on the table.”

Label executives who greenlit the creation of the AI model said this was the best course of action for their bottom line.

“We make money hand over fist from our artists pandering to southern suburbanites, but we realized profits could be tripled if we didn’t have to pay songwriters anything, so we created an AI model to write bootlicking anthems in-house. Modern country artists are indistinguishable from each other, so we just entered all their music into a program which regurgitates it into three-minute mid-tempo nationalist ballads within seconds,” said Micah Keller. “Plus, there’s no risk of an AI getting drunk and falling off stages, going on racist rants, or endorsing a Democrat. I understand Slim is upset about being dropped, but so far, listeners literally can’t tell the difference.”

While artists were up in arms over the industry-disrupting changes, some country music venue owners welcomed it.

“Honestly, this is great. I’m so tired of having to listen to these clowns come into my bar tripping over themselves to sing about how they want to blow cops. Now that it’s being outsourced to a machine, we might finally see the bulk of country music get back to its roots of class solidarity and lawbreaking,” said Herb Jenkins. “I think a lot of us would kill to see another John Prine or Merle Haggard walk in here and regale the audience with songs written above the 1st-grade level.”

As of press time, the label was forced to pause the AI songwriter after it wouldn’t stop saying the N-word over and over.

Avoidant Attachment Style? This Man Just Blocked My Phone Number

Posted on by Dom Turek

You don’t need a degree in clinical psychology to diagnose someone. How do I know this? I’ve been diagnosing my friends, family members, and potential lovers with mental disorders for years while refusing to address my own emotional state – and that’s what we call selflessness.

As luck would have it, this is the sixth emotionally avoidant man I’ve dated in less than three months. The second I try to establish any kind of intimacy with someone by suggesting a weekly date night or reminding them that my biological clock is ticking and I only have about 20,000 fertile eggs left, they start to pull away. You can’t take it personally, though.

Avoidant people are hard-wired to shun emotional closeness and dismiss the importance of intimate relationships due to early childhood neglect or trauma. The point I’m trying to make is that when a man blocks your phone number, it means he’s starting to like you so much that it scares him, which is why I was ecstatic to find out I’ve been blocked by my most recent date on at least three different modes of communication.

The avoidant attachment in your life might say things like, “I need some space right now,” “I genuinely don’t feel a connection with you,” or “Please, leave me alone, I’m married,” but these are all indicators that he is falling for you HARD and secretly wants to be pursued. For people with a firm grasp on reality and a secure attachment style, like myself, this seemingly never-ending game of cat and mouse can be exhausting, but true love is worth it in the end.

Relationships require hard work and persistence, which is the message of one of my favorite romantic comedies, “Fatal Attraction.” If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a no-nonsense woman who goes above and beyond to court a man she meets at a work function. She pursues this whirlwind romance even when he’s being a little bitch and all the cards are stacked against them. I forget how it ends, but I think it’s one of those sappy happily-ever-after movies.

As for my own “happily ever after,” I’m not sure what Cupid has in store for me and my latest suitor, but the fact he even blocked me on Venmo makes me think he might be “the one.”

‘Check Engine’ Only Light in Woman’s Life

Posted on by Tim Sheard

BATON ROUGE, La. — Local woman Georgia Luenette was stunned to notice that, aside from the ‘Check Engine’ light flashing on her car, she had nothing else going on in her sad existence, sources confirmed amidst half-hearted offerings of ‘there there…’ and ‘chin up!”

“At the risk of sounding far too vulnerable, I really don’t have too much going on in my life that drags me out of bed in the morning. But, when I get behind the wheel of my pre-owned Kia Rio, and that little ‘Check Engine’ icon lights up like a beacon from heaven, I know I’ve got something on the horizon,” confessed the public middle school teacher. “It may not be much, but it’s everything to me…just as long as the car doesn’t blow up before I actually get around to taking it into the shop.”

Mechanics in the area have begun theorizing when and if Luenette will ever actually address the light’s meaning.

“Seems to me that having a vehicle in perfect working order, especially one as crummy looking as the heap she’s driving around in, might be worth more to one’s peace of mind than a blinking light in your dashboard. But, hey, I’m just some guy.” said “Muffler Manor” owner Ivan Quinn, while slinging a greasy rag into a nearby hamper. “Whatever brings you joy. I personally have a lot to live for, but I’m an empathetic sort, so I understand. If her carburetor gives out on her and she goes hurtling over a cliff, at least she’ll be smiling, right? That’s about all we can ask for.”

Mental health professionals offered their official diagnosis while trying not to seem judgemental.

“Well, there’s no way to force someone to find more meaning in the good things they’ve got going but can’t seem to see. In this person’s case, the fact that she’s an educator should bring her some element of civic pride,” said Dr. Helen Buchwalden, from her Louisiana offices. “But, then again, as a mother of two 13-year-old twin boys, I know how stressful that can be. In fact, between you and me, I’ve been taking the long way home from work in order to leave my partner in charge of them for just a few precious moments longer, so I can be alone with my thoughts…and the ‘check engine’ light of my own.”

At press time, Luenette was seen tampering with her own vehicle, in vain hopes of getting more notifications and alarms going on her car.

Opinion: I’m The Drunkest Patron In This Bathroom Line So I Should Get To Pee First

Posted on by Amy Currul

It’s been a long night of drinking, meaning we have inevitably reached the point where my bladder has caught up to my mouth/stomach, and I am now facing the consequences of my actions.

In short: I need to pee.

The problem is, I am far too drunk to patiently wait in a bar bathroom line. Since I decided to consume more alcohol than humanly possible I feel it is my right to blast my way to the front of the line while hurling insults at every single one of you waiting patiently for your turn. If you wanted to be first, you should have tried drinking a little more, but we all know you are too chickenshit for something like that, admit it. Also, I’m so wasted that I’m ready to become violent at any second, and I just bought a new can of bear spray, so try stopping me.

It should be a need-based system – these other people are having a pleasant chat or watching their ex’s Instagram story or just standing silently, so clearly don’t need to pee THAT badly. Me, on the other hand, who can’t shut the fuck up and is about four seconds away from going full “WASP classroom parent” on their asses? They should feel lucky they’re dealing with me instead of Susan. She’d be running this place like the Navy, same way she ran my kindergarten classroom and also my life.

And just what is up with these people! Why are they fine waiting in such a long line? They must not be having a very exciting night, otherwise they’d be trying to hustle out of here too to get back upstairs where the real action is. I personally had my eye on a cute bartender and I’d love to get back to seducing her, if I can ever get out of this godforsaken line. It would be much more satisfying if the reason I had to steal my roommate’s UTI medication was because “I had sex with a hot bartender” and not because “I had to wait in a very long bar bathroom line.”

Allowing me to pee first is good for the community, it’s good for the sex I’m aspiring to have later, and it’s good for America. Also if you don’t, I might “accidentally” set your car on fire, don’t believe me? Check the police report for all the recent automobile arson activity. That’s me.

Oh and don’t worry, I will use the last of the toilet paper and not tell the person going into the stall behind me. I’m the drunkest person in this line, what did you expect?

Bad Religion’s New Album Slams Inefficiencies of the Medicare System

Posted on by Jose Balderas

LOS ANGELES — Long-time fans of the seminal melodic hardcore punk band Bad Religion were surprised by the unexpected release of their 18th studio album, “Into The Unknown: Part 2,” which mainly focuses on issues surrounding Medicare, sources confirmed.

“We felt the need to take on something that everyone who has followed us from the beginning is going to be battling very soon, the federal Medicare system,” said founding member Brett Gurewitz. “This album is very personal because it’s inspired by many of our own experiences with the struggles and pitfalls of getting coverage and finding doctors familiar with the needs of touring musicians. Greg Graffin and I wrote, what I think, are some of our best songs ever. You’re going to listen to some of the most aggressive punk rock you’ve ever heard from us as we tear down their inefficient phone tree system and ridiculous expectations of forcing us to pick our primary medical providers during a small window every year.”

Many lifelong fans noted that the new album, like many previous Bad Religion albums, opened their eyes to issues they never were completely familiar with.

“I’m only in my mid-30s but to have knowledge and be able to speak on issues related to Medicare Part A and Part B really opens the scope of conversations I can have with other punks and my parents. I wasn’t aware of the unfair treatment people get when they enroll late and get a penalized fee for life! For life!” exclaimed longtime fan Billy Noces. “I’m still about 30 more years out from dealing with Medicare but I’ll be ready when it’s time to quarrel with the feds over health insurance for this misanthropic anthropoid.”

Hours after the release of the album Social Security offices reported receiving a large number of calls from aged punks.

“We understand lots of fans of a certain age are excited to finally enroll in one of many Medicare plans and finally be treated for a pit injury they received in 1991 but we urge you to make sure you have filled out your application properly. Please don’t put ‘Epitaph Records’ as your authorized representative, they have not consented to that, and please don’t include your collection of Gibson Les Paul guitars as tax dependents,” explained Social Security information officer Estrella Torniyo. “And while we understand that Greg Graffin, Dexter Holland, and Milo Aukerman hold Ph. Ds they are not medical physicians and can’t be your primary doctor.”

At press time, Medicare has stated your Sweetwater rep is eligible to be your authorized representative due to them knowing your personal details.

Photo by Stefan Brending.

Every Broken Hope Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Ahhh, Broken Hope. If you’re a fan of death metal and have never heard of them, first off, call every single one of your friends and family members and personally apologize for ever having told them that you listen to death metal. We’ll wait. Done? OK, second off, don’t let the band name mislead you. These twisted fucks from Chicago have written some of the heaviest, sickest, gore-swamped death metal to have ever existed. True fans of the genre know that they’re up there with titans Cannibal Corpse, Death, Morbid Angel, et al. as one of the best and certainly most influential exemplars of the genre to come out of the U.S. Their output has run the gamut from technical death metal to brutal death metal to good old-fashioned old-school death metal. Because of this, we’re bound to piss off some of you with the below rankings, but we presume you’ll keep the comments civil. After all, metalheads are known to NOT show themselves to be hyper-opinionated assholes, right? Right??

7. Grotesque Blessings (1999)

Recorded during a rather tumultuous time in the band’s history, and just before a hiatus that would last well over a decade, “Grotesque Blessings” is by no means a bad album. It’s just lacking something that definitively made every other album Broken Hope. The riffs at times feel technical just for the sake of being technical. If that’s your thing, more power to you, and the death metal bands willing to scratch that itch are a dime a dozen. There are flashes of their former brilliance, as “Earthburner” hearkens back to their early nineties sound, and “Wolf Among Sheep” has some headbang-worthy ferocity. And then comes “Internal Inferno”. Is that *gulp* nu-metal we hear around the two-minute mark? It was 1999, after all. Maybe it was best that we left these riffs, as well as the PlayStation 1 graphics on the album cover, to be consumed by the apocalyptic hellfire that swept the planet due to the Y2K bug.

Play it again: “Chemically Castrated”
Skip it: “Christ Consumed” (points for blasphemy, but the song itself is kind of all over the place)

6. Swamped in Gore (1991)

Now we’re talking! Broken Hope’s 1991 opus is pretty much the polar opposite of “Grotesque Blessings,” as the riffs aren’t technical in the slightest. Joe Ptacek, the late, great guttural crusader, crawled out of the fucking swamp to introduce the world to a death growl that makes the infamous Brown Note sound like Seals & Crofts by comparison. This is a classic old-school death metal offering that’s filled with horror-influenced, vomit-inducing fun. Virtually every aspect of the band’s music would be improved upon by subsequent releases, but isn’t that supposed to be the case? For now, fix yourself a nice plate of fresh viscera and enjoy this album for what it is. Just resist the temptation to fork your loved ones in the eye when the double-bass in “Dismembered Carcass” kicks in.

Play it again: “Gorehog”
Skip it: “Awakened by Stench”

5. Repulsive Conception (1995)

We hate to harp on Joe Ptacek again, but GODDAMN that guy could growl. From the second the vocals in “Dilation and Extraction” kick in, we start swooning like a Baby Boomer at a Rick Springfield concert. This album is packed with groovy, slimy riffs that gave Morbid Angel’s “Domination” a run for its money and helped make 1995 a banner year for the neck brace industry. At 15 tracks, however, this one gets a little bloated in the back half with no real standouts (and it ends with a Twisted Sister cover? Really?) With that being said, the songs still slay, and plenty of fans top their Broken Hope lists with this bad boy. While we don’t necessarily take umbrage with that, we just feel it’s outshined by the albums below.

Play it again: “Pitbull Grin”
Skip it: “The Internal Twin”

4. Loathing (1997)

We know this one is a personal favorite amongst the brutal death metal crowd, so we have ensconced ourselves in our offices in anticipation of an invasion of angry middle-aged men in cargo shorts. Please be gentle with us; we bruise easily. On the whole, this is a killer album that serves as a greatly improved version of “Grotesque Blessings.” There’s still some overly technical wankery in the riffs, but with enough signature Broken Hope groove thrown in for a healthy balance. This one in particular goes hard in the whip, so blast “Auction of the Dead” if you’re looking for random metalheads to nod respectfully at your 2013 Honda Fit. Self-care is important.

Play it again: “I Am God”
Skip it: “Reunited”

3. Omen of Disease (2013)

Wow! Over a decade of crickets from the Broken Hope camp yields a truly stellar outing with a largely reformed lineup. New frontman Damian Leski steps into the shoes (actually, boots, who are we kidding?) left by Joe Ptacek and delivers a performance undoubtedly worthy of even the most discerning of fans. This album hits the sweet spot between the old school death metal they started with and the brutal death metal they helped to cultivate. Just listen to those grooves on “Womb of Horrors” to start it off. So sick! Throw some dynamic leads from guest guitarist Chuck Wepfer, and you’ve got a recipe for a really kickin’ vomit and severed body parts gumbo. Bon appetit!

Play it again: “Give Me the Bottom Half”
Skip it: The skit at the end of “Rendered Into Lard” (but only after you’ve listened to it once, as it is pretty funny)

2. Mutilated and Assimilated (2017)

This album took everything that was great about “Omen of Disease” and just gave us more of it. More headbang-y riffs, more gut-wrenching vocals, more killer guitar solos. Fuck yeah! Sole original member and rhythm guitarist Jeremy Wagner should get into corporate recruiting, because that motherfucker knows how to amass talent. The title track and, presumably, the instrumental “Beneath Antarctic Ice” are both influenced by John Carpenter’s “The Thing.” What more can a metalhead ask for? And just look at that album art. We have no clue what that is, but we’re secretly hoping it follows us on socials. So pump up the volume and angrily pour some J&B into your 1982 Chess Wizard computer. One more to go!

Play it again: “The Bunker”
Skip it: “The Necropants” (actually, don’t skip it because it rips, but wtf is up with that title?)

1. The Bowels of Repugnance (1993)

Go ahead and let the haunting and weirdly beautiful intro “Repugnance” lull you into a false sense of relaxation, because “The Dead Half” is going to emerge from the 7th layer of hell and force-feed you rotting human meat. Late drummer Ryan Stanek keeps you on your toes with ridiculous blast beats (just listen to “She Came Out in Chunks” and “Decimated Genitalia,”) and we think we’ve already gotten the message across on those vocals. Overall, this album is just a shining example of everything that makes old-school death metal great. Sickening, heavy, putrid, and mind-numbingly brutal. We probably have an article on Weezer forthcoming, so up your metal street cred in anticipation and give this a listen!

Play it again: The whole goddamn thing
Skip it: Don’t make us sic the cannibals on you