It’s been a long night of drinking, meaning we have inevitably reached the point where my bladder has caught up to my mouth/stomach, and I am now facing the consequences of my actions.
In short: I need to pee.
The problem is, I am far too drunk to patiently wait in a bar bathroom line. Since I decided to consume more alcohol than humanly possible I feel it is my right to blast my way to the front of the line while hurling insults at every single one of you waiting patiently for your turn. If you wanted to be first, you should have tried drinking a little more, but we all know you are too chickenshit for something like that, admit it. Also, I’m so wasted that I’m ready to become violent at any second, and I just bought a new can of bear spray, so try stopping me.
It should be a need-based system – these other people are having a pleasant chat or watching their ex’s Instagram story or just standing silently, so clearly don’t need to pee THAT badly. Me, on the other hand, who can’t shut the fuck up and is about four seconds away from going full “WASP classroom parent” on their asses? They should feel lucky they’re dealing with me instead of Susan. She’d be running this place like the Navy, same way she ran my kindergarten classroom and also my life.
And just what is up with these people! Why are they fine waiting in such a long line? They must not be having a very exciting night, otherwise they’d be trying to hustle out of here too to get back upstairs where the real action is. I personally had my eye on a cute bartender and I’d love to get back to seducing her, if I can ever get out of this godforsaken line. It would be much more satisfying if the reason I had to steal my roommate’s UTI medication was because “I had sex with a hot bartender” and not because “I had to wait in a very long bar bathroom line.”
Allowing me to pee first is good for the community, it’s good for the sex I’m aspiring to have later, and it’s good for America. Also if you don’t, I might “accidentally” set your car on fire, don’t believe me? Check the police report for all the recent automobile arson activity. That’s me.
Oh and don’t worry, I will use the last of the toilet paper and not tell the person going into the stall behind me. I’m the drunkest person in this line, what did you expect?