MILWAUKEE â Local sad sack and frequent concert attendee Jorges Henderson recently had his spirits lifted after hearing the singer of the band Stubbourne say the crowd he was in was amazing, uplifted sources reported.
âLook, Iâll be honest. Lifeâs been tough. I donât have many friends and Iâm stuck at this dead end corporate job where I fuck everything up but not in a cool, âOffice Spaceâ way, more so in a sad, pathetic, and overly incompetent way,â said the dejected 32-year-old Henderson. âTo help cope, I went to the Stubbourne show last night and they said something that really changed my outlook on life. The vocalist thanked the crowd for being amazing and this was just after I let out a little woo with a fist pump so I think they were talking directly to me. Itâs like he was Tony Robbins or something.â
The lead vocalist of the band thinks Henderson mightâve taken the comment a little too personally.
âOh, ok so this is kind of awkward. Itâs cool that one guy is happier, but donât get it twisted. We say that to every crowd and give them the compliment so they feel incentivized to cheer louder after we play one of our less popular or brand new songs,â said frontwoman Lydia Spears. âLook, they canât all be amazing. Especially if itâs Milwaukee, thereâs no way in hell Wisconsin would be the best show weâd ever play. Those assholes only bought two shirts and one LP but they had no problem snatching up all of our free stickers from the merch table. Honestly, worst crowd weâve ever had.â
Researchers at Marquette University have studied this phenomenon extensively and found it similar to the placebo effect.
âItâs very interesting indeed. We noticed a majority of depressed concertgoers rebounded tremendously after hearing praise from a drunk singer in a dingy, odorous venue, even after controlling for external variables like expensive ticket prices, physical injury in the pit, and annoying people who wonât shut up during the entire show,â said a puzzled Dr. Brittany Forester. âBut, on the other hand, it makes complete sense. Of course, people with low self-esteem would slurp up any positive feedback, even if itâs an empty gesture meant to fill space while guitarists tune their instruments. That being said, these singers are motivating and inspiring the masses. In that sense, theyâre shaping up to be the true backbone of American society, much more than cops or politicians at the very least.â
At press time, therapists across the world are demanding bands to stop spreading positive affirmations, as their clientele has dropped by 90%.
We like weird shit as much as the next guy who used to be into hardcore but has somehow lived past the age of 40. But âGold & Greyâ leans a little too hard into the experimental aspect for our taste, and even the kookiest of arrangements canât hide the fact that the production is awful. Rarely does a layman like ourselves notice stuff like âcompression,â but the audio quality of âGold & Grey” is so crispy that it completely neuters the sprawling compositions Baroness is trying to utilize. This sounds like itâs blowing out the speakers of a 2005 Honda Accord but youâre listening on $500 Bose headphones. Oh well.
This is the entry that will get our home address leaked on the Baroness subreddit. âPurpleâ wins a lot of popularity contests, and while that is by no means undeserved, there are simply other albums that accomplish a similar sonic goal as this album, but better. We donât deny that âShock Meâ is an all-time banger, though. Thatâs your go-to soundtrack for running a crane through your exâs front door.
The bandâs most recent release âSTONEâ is often considered their âreturn to formâ after the mild mess of âGold & Grey.â Thatâs an accurate assessment. âSTONEâ brings back a kinder, heavier Baroness, complete with some truly top-notch fucking shredding from guitarist Gina Gleason, who also provides backing vocals that somehow match Baizleyâs intensity. We genuinely donât know how sheâs doing both of those at the same time when they play live.
Our ranking of âRed Albumâ just above the halfway mark will likely anger early fans who think theyâve never outdone this album, but also anger newer fans who prefer their more highly-polished works. However, âRed Albumâ is everything you both want and expect from a metal debut. Itâs raw, angry, occasionally super moody, and, importantly, fucking loud. But the only reason this isnât higher is that somewhat predictably, the record loses steam in the middle third. Thatâs a rookie mistake we can overlook in exchange for skullcrushers like âIsak.â
Utterly massive double album âYellow & Greenâ represents Baroness at their most introspective and emotional. This is the gold medal winning work for soul-crushing lyricism, thoughâBaizley made us cry with nautical metaphors for drug addiction on âMarch to the Sea,â and more directly on that topic on âTake My Bones Wayâ (their most-streamed track on Spotify). Put many of these songs on your âSad Bangersâ playlist.
Baronessâ second album is, pun intended, the blueprint for the rest of their career. Everything theyâve done since has been deviations from the core sound of âBlue Record.â Acoustic interludes between utter ragers? Check. Dual harmonizing guitar leads and shitloads of tom drums? Check. Baizley putting his entire ass into the most emotive and powerful vocals youâll find this side of the Mason-Dixon line? Check. âBlueâ is âRedâ that upgraded from a studio apartment to a respectable two-bed, before slowly moving to the suburbs by âPurple.â Pay your respects to the classics with tracks like âA Horse Called Golgotha, âJake Leg,â and âSwollen and Haloâ in particular.
Youâd think one of the most beloved DC hardcore bands reuniting with fan-favorite frontman and putting out the first album in ten years wouldâve been a huge deal but this mostly went under everyoneâs radar. Why? It could be because musically it is a slightly bland retread of their earlier stuff but most likely itâs because Dave Smalley came out with his âGonzo Conservative Punkâ ideology during the height of the Bush-is-a-literal-war-criminal era and alienated their audience. Dag Nasty fans donât really want to hear about politics and they definitely donât want to hear how supply-side economics is âactually really punk when you think about it.â
This is basically âCan I Sayâ originally recorded in 1985 with their first singer Shawn Brown and shelved for decades. Iâm probably going to lose punk points for ranking it so low but I have a perfectly valid response: Come onnnn. This is a fine album and if you like âCan I Sayâ youâll like this but itâs just not the same with Shawnâs vocals. He would go on to front Swiz which was a much better fit for him.
Remember on âThe Simpsonsâ when Milhouseâs dad got divorced and recorded a demo song âCan I Borrow A Feelingâ? There are moments on âField Dayâ that sound a lot like that. This might honestly be the weirdest fucking album you will ever listen to. Itâs like every genre being played all at once. That said, there are some really outstanding moments, and the instrumentation at times is super catchy even if the vocals sound like they were recorded by someone who didnât want to wake their parents in the next room.
Their first reunion album after the initial break up with Dave Smalley returning on vocals and Brian Baker taking a break from his questionable decision to form his cringey bar rock band Junkyard. Seems like the band as a whole got out of their system whatever the fuck it was they were attempting to do on âField Dayâ and returned with a mostly great album. Arguably their most fun album with a number of songs that seem like they were custom-made for early â90s snowboard videos.
The title track is the anthem for the straight edge kids who have to deal with drunk friends at parties and âThe Godfatherâ sounds like the soundtrack to an â80s movie training montage for those same kids except instead of training for the big race where they beat the blonde rich kid bully or whatever they are just trying to get past the stage in âMario Brothersâ with all the cannons. Yes, drugs are bad but a steady diet of Coke and Doritos isnât the clean-living flex you think it is.
You could have a healthy debate about what the greatest melodic hardcore album of all time is. There are a lot you could mention but it would probably come down to Gorilla Biscuits âStart Todayâ and âCan I Say.â Travis Barker has âCan I Sayâ tattooed on his chest and not âStart Todayâ so Iâm not sure if that helps the cause or not for this album but Dave Smalleyâs earnestness and the sing-alongability not to mention Smalleyâs âI walked by you on the street the other dayâ monologue put this in the hardcore hall of fame for sure.
