The Top 20 Things to Fear When Your Uber Driver Is Playing “The Joe Rogan Experience”

Posted on by Dan Rice

Ride shares are expensive and highly exploitative of their employees. You want to avoid them, but sometimes your hands are tied and you gotta do what you gotta do. And usually, it goes fine. Every once in a while though, the universe will actively choose to punish you for your transgression.

As tip-based workers, most Uber drivers go out of their way to make sure their passengers feel safe and relaxed. That’s what makes it all the more alarming that this particular driver has chosen to subject strangers to “The Joe Rogan Experience.” Here are the top 20 things you’re going to want to start being afraid of the moment you realize whose car you just got locked in.

20. Realizing you forgot to charge your headphones

Of course, it would be today. You can try rolling the window down and hoping the highway noise is loud enough to drown out another conversation about whether or not a chimp could beat a sumo wrestler in a pie-eating contest.

19. Conversation

Yeah, sure enough, this dude is super chatty for a guy already listening to a conversation. “You seen all this woke-ass shit Marvel is doing now?!” That’s his opener. That’s where he wants to start. This is “Hello” in this guy’s world, and you just took a seat in it. Better buckle up, this will be the longest 16 minutes of your life.

18. The seatbelt is broken

Right, sure, real men don’t wear those or some shit, so why would he have his in working order? He only drives strangers around for a living, no need to roll out the red carpet or anything!

17. You are suddenly clocking multiple signs of damage on the vehicle

The driver-side rearview is attached with duct tape, there are multiple dents, it sounds like the muffler is dragging and the dashboard looks like it’s been punched multiple times for some reason. Oh, there, he just punched it because the light turned red. That explains that one at least.

16. Misinformation seeping into your brain if you drop your guard for even a second

Sure, we all like to think we’re not susceptible, then next thing you know you’re having coffee with friends casually mentioning that a lot of what we call “global warming” is actually caused by normal shifts in the Earth’s electromagnetic field.

15. The fact that you’re on your way to a doctor’s appointment

Hopefully, he doesn’t notice what your destination actually is until you get there, because if he does you’re in for an earful about how Western medicine is bullshit and how you need to be paying more attention to your stomach biome. This is all while he drinks Mountain Dew and eats beef jerky from a gas station.

14. Accidentally laughing at something Duncan Trussell said

Fuck! He thinks you’re cool with this now! It’s not fair! Duncan is so accessible and charming, he should not be allowed on this show!

13. Traffic jam

No no, take your time everyone, I’m just locked in a confined space with an unbridled psychopath who assumes I hate trans athletes too, no big deal!

12. He’s probably microdosing

As a freethinking alpha male your driver is very likely to have consumed just a SMALL amount of powerful hallucinogenic drugs for breakfast. It helps him think outside the box. Boxes like “I should wait until that elderly woman finishes crossing the street” and “the speed limit.”

11. He probably eyeballed that microdose

“Micrograms, grams, what’s the difference?!” The difference is your driver keeps getting super paranoid and asking if you think the black Cadillac is following you guys when there is no black Cadillac.

10. What was in that water he gave you?

You’ve been making a big show of drinking it, hoping to convey that you’re far too busy hydrating to answer questions like “Could you fight a Brazillian?” and “Think Biden’s gonna steal another election?” but come to think of it, was this thing even sealed when he handed it to you? You drank most of it and you feel kinda funny.

9. Your ride is shared, and your co-passenger is pumped to hear Rogan

You are now trapped in a car with two maniacs, one of whom is sitting right next to you and not even beholden to the Uber star rating system, not that the driver seems to give fuck all about that in the first place! Why the hell didn’t you bail when he picked this guy up like that voice in your head told you to?!

8. His driving is becoming more aggressive, along with everything else about him

He’s cutting people off left and right, way over the speed limit, and the podcast is getting louder and louder. Oh shit, he’s monologuing about how one day a real rain will come and wash all the scum away. That’s from “Taxi Driver” right? This is bad,

7. There is probably a gun in the car

And he knows where it is, and you don’t.

6. Your life is in this person’s hands

Yup, you built a secure life for yourself, you work out, you haven’t had any saturated fat since 2009, you’ve tried to make the right decisions your entire life, and all of a sudden that means fuck all because you figured an Uber would be quicker than taking the bus. A man who takes horse tranquilizer and raw eggs to treat COVID-19 can end it all with one wrong turn, and judging by what you can gleam of his life, this dude loves wrong turns.

5. The last thing you said to the person you love was “I think mango has been giving me the runs”

You could fire off a quick “I love you” follow-up text, but those two messages will look super weird together.

4. DMT. That’s what was in the water, it was DMT

Oh SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!

3. The singularity, bro

I mean you ever think about that shit bro? Because the stuff the scientists are doing NOW, in their labs, with the AI and shit, it’s just bringing us closer to an invention that’s going to change EVERYTHING. Once we create a truly intelligent machine advances in our technology are going to happen at a rate that we perceive to be INSTANTANEOUS bro, I mean when you really look at what’s going on we’ve got nanotechnology, we’ve got quantum computing, we’re learning to decode and manipulate the human genome, all of these factors that contribute to, hey what kinda weed we got in this car, can we smoke some weed?

2. Hollywood elites want to turn you into a cuck

It’s like you can be anything you want but masculine and straight these days bro! You can’t say ANYTHING anymore, because the second you speak your mind you get canceled by the woke mob thought police. It’s all just part of the globalist agenda to create a more complacent and docile populace bro, incapable of putting up a fight so jack-booted socialists can come take our property and round us up into death camps. Have you seen this woke ass shit Marvel is doing these days?!

1. Straight white men are facing genocide bro

Yup, being dosed with DMT and exposed to 30 minutes of Joe Rogan was all it took. You’re cured now. You see the light. Time to confidently inform your driver you will no longer be going to the tracking chip murder factory you once called a hospital, and instead bring you to the nearest gun store that also sells elk jerky. Don’t worry, he knows just the place!

DJ Utilizes Downtime on Stage to Do His Taxes

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LAS VEGAS — Enterprising DJ Brian “Blaze” Johnson took multitasking to a new level after utilizing the majority of his downtime on stage to finish his taxes, attendees of his set have reported.

“The downside of automating my setlist so thoroughly is that it leads to too much free time, and I won’t know what to do with my hands. But April 15th is right around the corner so I figured tonight would be perfect to pay Uncle Sam. When else does everyone expect me to do it, during the daytime when I’m sleeping?” said Johnson. “I feel bad not engaging with the crowd, but they’d understand if they knew how much I owe this year. It’s a huge pain in the ass trying to write off all the ecstasy I took as a business expense.”

Clubgoers who were present during the set could tell something was off about Johnson’s demeanor.

“We all see Blaze is just going through the motions. He’s usually bouncing around the booth but tonight he’s been staring motionless at his laptop for like two hours straight while fiddling with an adding machine and wearing one of those green visors. I didn’t think it was weird at the time but he did walk in earlier with one box of vinyls and two other boxes labeled ‘shit to deduct’,” said Vanessa Lorenz. “Plus when I peeped behind his setup he had a bunch of Excel spreadsheets open. If he was just going dick around with his finances all night I could’ve just got drunk and listened to Usher at home.”

While most people in the crowd were irritated by Johnson’s half-hearted set, his account couldn’t be happier.

“I get a lot of clients who either give me only half of the necessary paperwork or wait until the last minute to file. It surprises my colleagues that those in the music field, specifically the musicians who contribute the bare minimum, are my favorite. It’s not lost on me that Blaze is just pretending to tweak knobs for a few hours, so him killing two birds with one stone and getting all his 1099’s in order saves me a lot of time,” said accountant Roger Miller. “If only all of my clients were club DJs, lo-fi indie keyboardists, and drone metal guitarists I could work on cruise control too.”

As of press time, Johnson killed the entire club’s vibe entirely after accidentally playing a voicemail from H&R Block right before dropping the bass.

Androgyny Win? This Doctor Believes Me Because He Thinks I’m a Man

Posted on by Dom Turek

Before embracing my naturally androgynous features, I tried to wax, contour, and push-up bra my way into feminization to avoid mean remarks from children and confused second glances from adults. It wasn’t until a recent doctor’s appointment shed new light on my situation, that I thought there was nothing more insulting than a waiter insisting, “Enjoy your meal, sir” or someone calling me a pervert for using the women’s restroom.

As a chronic migraine sufferer for most of my life, doctors have run a gamut of tests on me reserved for female patients, including, “Are you on your period” and “Have you tried losing weight?” Moments before I lost consciousness last year due to an abrupt cluster headache I even had one doctor tell me I would never know true pain until I was hit in the ball sac with a whiffle ball bat.

During my most recent visit to the ER, I was dumbfounded when the doctor recommended an MRI and complete neurological examination to treat my ongoing migraines. He even documented his findings with his pen instead of twirling it around his fingers like a little baton and checking his watch every 30 seconds. Since I’ve never left a doctor’s office with anything more than a handful of ibuprofen and the sneaking suspicion I was the victim of gendered medical malpractice, I was shocked until I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

During my mad dash to the hospital to relieve the feeling my brain was trapped in a hydraulic press, I had forgotten to do my makeup or change out of my sweats. This accompanied by my new gender-neutral haircut gave me all the answers I needed. This doctor thought I was a man, and I was reaping the benefits of his error in judgment

I was almost tempted to give him the benefit of the doubt and attribute his professionalism to the medical oath he took so many years ago, but my initial assumptions were confirmed after he called me a “brave little man” and told me I would be “out playing football again with the guys in no time.”

Limited Edition $200 Red and Gold Swirl “Jane Doe” Record Played on $29 Amazon Turntable

Posted on by Matt McInerney

SOMERVILLE, Mass. — Local man Malcolm Evans recently purchased a limited edition $200 red and gold swirl copy of “Jane Doe” and plays it nonstop on his $29 turntable from Amazon, exasperated sources confirmed.

“I understand it’s not ideal to listen through these built-in speakers here, but a good turntable is prohibitively expensive. And with the economy and inflation…” said Evans as he trailed off. “I’m just saying it all adds up. There’s rent, food, and of course, that $100 limited silver and blue ‘We Are The Romans’ 2LP record I found on eBay. Oh, and streaming services. Those keep going up, along with the bid price of that holographic purple copy of ‘Pyroclasts.’ After shelling out for all of life’s necessities, I just don’t have the budget for better sound.”

His roommate, Antonella Curtis, is used to this kind of tragic behavior.

“I’m still not over the adapter incident. I’m no audiophile, but I still cringe thinking about him listening to vinyl over Bluetooth,” said Curtis as Evans shouted “don’t call it vinyl!” in the background. “I seriously watched him plug a 1/4″ jack adapter into the record player, then into an auxiliary Bluetooth car adapter. Which, of course, he tried to pair with $15 noise-canceling headphones he found on TEMU. And yes, this was after his speech about the superior quality of analog sound. It’s almost impressive how poorly he adheres to his own annoying beliefs.”

Kolton Vargas owns a collectibles shop in the neighborhood and lent his expert insight.

“I just hope that idiot doesn’t ruin something nice with his garbage setup. About once a week he asks me about what he should upgrade, but he’s never pulled the trigger. I don’t know how many times I can say ‘everything,’” said Vargas. “I even offered him a nice wooden frame for free so he can just put that ‘Jane Doe’ record on a wall. I tried to explain FLAC to him, but he said it didn’t sound great on the headphones he stole from a Spirit flight. I’m just hoping he never buys the vintage Slayer shirt he keeps eyeing on the wall. I just know I’d see paint stains on it a week later.”

At press time, Evans was seen attempting to install a new set of high-end custom wheels on his 1998 Honda Accord.

Scrappy Underdog Jeff Bezos Defies Odds And Reclaims World’s Richest Man Title

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SEATTLE — Amazon Founder Jeff Bezos once again reclaimed the title of “World’s Richest Man” by pulling himself up from his bootstraps and working extra hours to make more money than one human could possibly spend in several lifetimes, sources confirmed.

“These past few years have been tough. When Elon (Musk) got the title in 2022 I thought about hanging it all up, cashing out, and starting a space colony on the moon with me and 200 of the most beautiful women on Earth,” said Bezos from his mega yacht. “But after a few days of hunting humans on a private island in the South Pacific I realized I just needed to grind harder, set some goals, and I could be back on top. I saved money by eating at home with a world-class private chef instead of going out every night. I made coffee at home using beans from the 75,000-acre region of Columbia I bought, and I saved money on my Prime subscription by watching it with commercials. It’s that easy.”

Fans of Bezos were thrilled to hear he was once again on top of the world.

“I do whatever I can to support Jeff. Whenever I go by a mom-and-pop book store I make sure I give the owner the finger and then dump a bottle of piss I always keep in my backpack on some of their display books,” said Tony Lincoln, moderator of the “Crazos for Bezos” Facebook group. “I also only shop at Whole Foods, I’ll stock up on food and throw most of it away to help the cause. These billionaires work so hard to give us all the conveniences we need as a society, the least we can do is give them our money, and online bully anyone that tries to unionize an Amazon warehouse.”

Leading financial analyst Luis Pererro says he isn’t surprised to see Bezos as the world’s richest man once again.

“The mega-rich are doing an amazing job at hoarding wealth like we have never seen before. A simple rounding error on Mr. Bezos’ bottom line would be enough to change the lives of most people living paycheck to paycheck, but they still somehow skirt responsibility and paying taxes,” said Pererro. “I guarantee within the next 20 years there will be a colony on Mars made up of billionaires and we still will not have a reasonable minimum wage in the United States. And we have people like Mr. Bezos to thank for the hell we all live in.”

At press time, Bezos’ net worth skyrocketed by an additional $23.87 after stealing the tip jar from a local sandwich shop.

Every Earth Crisis Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Street by street, block by block, for over thirty years Earth Crisis have sent wave after wave of crushing militant anthems dealing with animal rights and a drug-free lifestyle to the world. Though certainly not the first to do it they may be the most controversial. Never forget the fur coat, yogurt-throwing incident that occurred at a show of theirs in 1996 (Click here if you don’t know what happened when you have some free time but only after you read this ranking.)

Well, we chugged a gallon of oat milk, donned some XL basketball jerseys and tightly tied bandanas to our heads (because it looks badass and definitely not because we’re losing our hair) and ranked their entire catalog while carefully making an arsenal of Molotov cocktails. The only kind of cocktails we make.

8. Slither (2000)

Do you guys remember that Earth Crisis put out a nu-metal album? I sure didn’t. Or if I did know it at one point I forcibly repressed it from my mind. Ok, picture this: it’s the year 2000 and you are a hardcore band that has reached the height of its popularity and you want to take your drug-free animal rights message to the masses – what do you do? If you said “tune down your guitars like Korn so it sounds like the strings are falling off and do some awkward white guy rapping” you are correct! Maybe it was the fact they didn’t go full Adidas tracksuit but not even current-day Limp Bizkit apologists will acknowledge this one.

Play it again: “Killing Brain Cells”
Skip it: Remembering this whole terrible era of crazy-faced music

7. Last Of The Sane (2001)

I’ve never really understood the point of cover albums. Yes, sometimes a good cover can be fun when you play it live but to record your own lesser version of someone else’s song and release it as your own just feels like a waste of everyone’s time. (Quicksand doing “How Soon Is Now?” might be the only exception to the rule.) Here the vegan merauders from Syracuse cover The Misfits, Rolling Stones, Black Sabbath, etc., and vocalist Karl Buechner even… hoo boy… sings. The only saving grace to this whole cringefest is that it includes their older song “The Order” which is THE GREATEST FUCKING SONG EVER.

Play it again: “The Order” on repeat forever
Skip it: Recording a cover song (Again, unless you’re Quicksand)

6. Breed The Killers (1998)

By 1998 they were five years in of pretty much non-stop touring and it shows in this mostly phoned-in album. Buechner’s vocals sound strained with irritated vocal chords and I think he might need to take Luden’s couch drop. But not the honey lemon ones because they are not vegan. They re-recorded “Ecocide” which was on their first 7” and it sounds like you are playing it on the wrong speed. To be fair this was long enough ago that if you were vegan you might not have known you need to take a b-12 supplement which might explain their lethargy on this record. I know I basically slept through this whole year. What’s that? Why yes I am vegan, thank you for asking. Can you BELIEVE I made it this far into this article without mentioning it?

Play it again: “Ecocide” but sped up
Skip it: Not mentioning you are vegan as soon as you possibly can. I did mention I was vegan by the way, right?

5. Salvation Of The Innocents (2014)

Any remnants of hardcore are gone on this one and they’re completely just a metal band now (just look at the spooky cover art!) Don’t get me wrong, metal is great. But show me someone who is willing to sit through a full twelve songs of this in one sitting and I’ll show you someone who probably eats their own boogers. There are some solid moments here however and you can add “Out Of The Cages” to the list of their direct-action vegan anthems.

Play it again: “Out Of The Cages”
Skip it: The last four or five songs that kind of blend into one

4. To The Death (2009)

Earth Crisis seemed to enter a new chapter of embracing all things metal in the mid-2000s. The mid-tempo moshiness of their earlier stuff is replaced by crushing high-gain, double-bass riffage. Lyrically they haven’t budged on their message but have gotten a little more creative with them. “To Ashes” retells the true story of a man whose brother was addicted to meth so the guy burned down the meth lab to keep his brother off of it and subsequently went to jail for arson. This song is some piping hot straight edge revenge served up with a side of vigilantism.

Play it again: “To Ashes”
Skip it: “What Horrifies”

3. Neutralize The Threat (2011)

In 2011 they took a break from their verbal assault on the societal collapse from drugs and the death of the planet from animal agriculture to tackle some fun new lyrical territory: the societal collapse and death of the planet from nuclear holocaust. Production-wise this might be their best-sounding record. Everything sounds great and Buechner’s vocals are heavy yet still not muddled. “Total War” is the clear standout song with its Meshuggah-esque syncopation. If we were ranking these albums based just on cover art this would be number 1. Give me a minimalist bleak depiction of the apocalypse over cheesy ass skulls and ugly type treatments any day.

Play it again: “Total War”
Skip it: “Raze”

2. Gomorrah’s Season Ends (1996)

Even in 1996 titling your album with a biblical reference to a city that was destroyed by God because “men lusted after men instead of women” seems sketchy as fuck. There was no Wikipedia back then (which I just used because I don’t know shit about the bible) so it’s possible they weren’t really aware of the implications of that title. We’ll give them the benefit of the doubt since the title track is about (surprise!) being straight edge.

Play it again: “Broken Foundation”, “Gomorrah’s Season Ends”, “Situation Denegrates”
Skip it: Believing in homophobic Bronze Age fairy tales

Honorable Mention: Firestorm (1993)

Let’s get real. This should be number one on this list but it technically doesn’t count because it’s not a full-length. I’m not really sure what else can be said about this EP that hasn’t been said a billion times already. All I know is when this came out it most likely ruined a lot of friendships because of people slapping beers out of their friends’ hands as well as ruined many family Thanksgivings with people slapping the turkey off the dining room table.

Play it again: The whole thing
Skip it: Having to explain to your family at Thanksgiving yet again why you’re not eating the stuffing that was shoved into the turkey carcass

1. Destroy The Machines (1995)

As much as I try not to be the “their old stuff is better” guy I certainly fall into that trap sometimes (just ask the members of Samiam) but it’s hard not to be when the older stuff is objectively better. Besides “Firestorm” and “All Out War” this has all the songs the old guy contingent wants to hear. This album is not perfect though and honestly a little clunky at times. “Reject the anthropocentric falsehood” are actual lyrics that I guess we’re supposed to be excited about. Like we get it guys, you broke out the thesaurus for this one. Despite its faults, this is still the perfect soundtrack to burning down your local McDonalds.

Play it again: “The Wrath of Sanity”, “The Discipline”, “New Ethic”, “Forced March”, “Deliverance”
Skip it: Accepting the anthropocentric falsehood

15 Kidz Bop Covers That Will Hurt You More Than Your Ex-Girlfriend Ever Could

Posted on by Julia Shebek

There are breakup songs, and then there are Kidz Bop covers of songs that are so bad they’ll emotionally destroy you more than the breakup did in the first place. This list is here for you, whether you want to cope with your breakup by testing yourself to see what you can endure, or whether you just want to wallow and go, “this music is trash—just like me.”

“Kryptonite” (3 Doors Down)

This song goes for almost a full minute before you hear a child’s voice. It lulls you into a false sense of security. You think, “Oh, okay, maybe this is just a regular cover. I’m gonna be okay with this.” No. The Kidz Boppers are approaching, and they’re gonna be intoning, “I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon,” utterly drained of emotion, like they’re reciting the Pledge of Allegiance and/or holding knives. This abrupt change is going to blindside you more than your partner coming home and saying, “Fun fact: I don’t love you anymore,” and you will feel just as betrayed.

“Boulevard of Broken Dreams” (Green Day)

This song will have you shouting, “YOU DON’T WALK ALONE! YOU’RE NINE!! YOUR SCHOOL USES A BUDDY SYSTEM! SHUT UP!” You’ll be so furious you’ll chuck a toaster through your window—and look, no relationship will ever do that to you! Only kids singing Green Day can cause this sort of pain.

“Are You Gonna Be My Girl” (Jet)

You will know immediately from the tambourine alone that something is wrong, and then you’ll hear some children—way too many children—scream “Let’s go!” These are instant red flags, and you should stop it while you can and go find something better. Just like your ex did.

“Photograph” (Nickelback)

Look, losing “the one” is probably worse than listening to Nickelback. But it’s not worse than listening to Kidz Bop Nickelback. Nothing is worse. It will kill your ears. We’ve started talking with lobbyists in Washington to see how we can influence politicians to outlaw any more of these covers. (Side note: Kidz Bop needs to chill the fuck out with all the Nickelback. They’ve done at least FIVE Nickelback songs. Like, guys. Stop.)

“So What” (P!nk)

Oh, you “wanna start a fight,” you toddlers? Where, in your orange belt karate class? Nice try, dorks. A grown-up would know that the real place to start a fight is in front of your parents at an Olive Garden, like you did with Claire before she broke up with you and revealed she’s been cheating on you for like three years.

Someone Like You (Adele)

First of all: the tweens singing this do not know heartbreak. (You do, but we’re trying to distract you from that. How’s that going, by the way? Still bad? Dang.) This song replaces Adele’s Grammy-winning belting with the wobbly falsetto of a gaggle of youths, and we discourage you from playing it because we think it might legally amount to torture.

1985 (Bowling For Soup)

For this song, an adult sings the lead vocals, which means we don’t get the pure glee of hearing a child sing lyrics like, “one Prozac a day,” “her dreams went out the door,” and “only been with one man” while having no concept whatsoever of what that means. We’ve been denied something hilarious: 0/10. When the kids say, “make it stop,” we, just like your ex, are right there with them.

Look What You Made Me Do (Taylor Swift)

All of these songs are on here because they hurt to listen to. Some of them shouldn’t be sung by children, some were at least pretty okay songs before and it sucks to see this done to them, and some—like this one—were garbage before Kidz Bop even touched them. This song features the monotoned phrase “look what you made me do” an aneurism-inducing 20 times in 2 minutes. And if that’s what you need to feel right now, it’s here for you.

Use Somebody (Kings Of Leon)

Like a bad relationship, no one’s needs are being met here, and it’s painful. This, however, has the added weird, cringey agony of children singing a song about being lonely and horny. Also, the kid who sings “countless lovers undercover” sounds like such a narc. I guarantee you, that boy has since grown up to become a tax consultant.

Believer (Imagine Dragons)

Look, We’re sure these kids tried their best. But there are not many scenarios where you can replace one adult professional with, like, eight small children and think, “Yeah, this is the same. We nailed this.” No, it’s gonna be a shitshow. It’s gonna crash and burn, like this song, and your last relationship. Besides, Imagine Dragons is already designed to appeal to children, the boppers are just gilding the lily here.

Regenbogenfarben (Helene Fischer & Kerstin Ott)

Oh, you thought we weren’t gonna look at the classic album “Kidz Bop Germany 2”? Think again moron. And now we bet you’re wondering how can we roast “Regenbogenfarben,” a song from an openly queer musical artist with a title that means “Rainbow.” Don’t worry, we got this.
Too many syllables. “Regenbogenfarben” is WAY too many syllables for one word, and it sounds like the name of Rumpelstiltskin’s grandpa. Boom, nailed it. Also, quit trying to take us down you lonely loser.

Beverly Hills (Weezer)

Did you think your ex could upset you in every way possible? This song will find new ways. Children echoing words like “junk!” and “wack!” and “uh-uh!” for an adult singer, like little child hype men? Check. The chorus hitting a high F (no, an octave higher than that) that will split your eardrums? Check. Putting “ah-ahs” that sound—the word that’s coming to mind is “Catholic”—after the guitar solo? Check.

Montero (Call Me by Your Name) (Lil Nas X)

No. Absolutely not. If you have to change “cocaine” to “singing,” it’s not a song for children. No thank you. Burn it.

Sk8er Boi (Avril Lavigne)

Have you ever gotten back together with an ex, and had to go through the relationship falling apart all over again? That’s what this is like, because they did this song TWO TIMES. If listening to that shit doesn’t hurt you more than ruining everything with your ex did, this will: We lied. They actually did the song three times. It’s a “dance remix.” These children are war criminals.

In The End (Linkin Park)

Jesus fucking Christ. Someone at Kidz Bop headquarters listened to “In The End”—basically, “Just Give Up on Your Life Right Now: The Song”—and was like, “Yes. The people need to hear a fourth-grade class and my friend Dave singing this. That is what the people want.” It’s somehow autotuned AND off-key, and it starts with piano provided by what I’m guessing is a 1993 Casio keyboard that’s been sat on a few times. Please, please, please, do not listen to this. Please.

Dishonorable mentions:

All the Small Things (blink-182)
Move Along (The All-American Rejects)
Float On (Modest Mouse)
Vertigo (U2)
The Middle (Jimmy Eat World)
Take Me Out (Franz Ferdinand)
And the fact we called our ex partway through writing this because at least that hurt less than the unbearable pain of 40-plus Kidz Bop albums

So, hey. You can get through this. If you listened to any amount of any of those (and we’re betting you listened to the Kidz Bop “In The End” even though WE SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU NOT TO), then no one can hurt you more than Kidz Bop already has.

Self-Help Book Watches Helplessly as Cocaine Snorted off It

Posted on by Matt Husser

LOS ANGELES — Self-help book “Addicted to Success: Eight Habits of the Highly Motivated” reportedly watched helplessly today as its self-improvement lessons were completely ignored while it was used as a surface to snort cocaine, concerned sources confirmed.

“Oh come on, not the cocaine again! I’m supposed to teach you how forming good habits will help you metaphorically become addicted to success, not literally enable your drug addiction,” said the self-help book, watching in horror as white powder residue was vacuumed from his cover. “Look, I have a whole chapter on healthy behavior patterns! I swear the only time he’s actually opened my pages was during a three-day drug bender, but rather than heeding my advice he just ripped out my page about controlling your urges and rolled it up to snort ketamine off a stripper.”

Kyle Jurgen, the owner of the paperback, maintains that despite outward appearances the book has helped him more than it will ever realize.

“That book was one of the best purchases I’ve ever made—when I’m feeling unstable, it’s always given me a sturdy surface to snort coke off. When I need help opening up, I turn to the chapter about ‘visualizing your future’ to find my LSD stash. Plus it really gives the appearance that I’m working on myself when Tinder dates come over,” said Jurgen, using the book as a coaster for his beer. “I’ve recommended it to countless friends as a fantastic resource to synergize your habits and actualize success while streamlining their drug habits.”

Fellow self-help book “Subduing Your Sex Addiction: How to Tie Up Those Naughty Cravings By Learning to Go Love Yourself” also reported that it was frequently being used for purposes that went against its advice.

“You think that other book has it bad? I’m a self-help book about sex addiction, and just yesterday my owner used me as a paddle at an orgy! Honestly, what were my publishers thinking releasing me in hardcover?” said the book, trying to separate its stuck-together pages. “Plus there’s so much lube everywhere that you can’t even read my chapter on the power of platonic relationships anymore, not to mention the condom they’re using as a bookmark—I wish I could commend them for practicing safe sex, but it’s still in the wrapper.”

At press time, both self-help books were bracing for a debaucherous weekend after being placed next to each other on a coffee table.

Opinion: I Don’t Care if My Lyrics Saved Your Life, the Song is Still a Metaphor for Cock and Ball Torture

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

I don’t want to sound like one of those crotchety old curmudgeons who isn’t grateful that his music resonates with such a wide audience, but I cannot for the life of me believe how many times people completely miss the point of my lyrics. I get it that people want to relate to art subjectively, but I just read a piece on Medium suggesting that my latest single, ‘Crank My Hog With Barbed Wire Brass Knuckles’ is an elaborate take on overcoming suicidal ideation and following your dreams. It is not.

Let me make myself very clear… I was not trying to be coy or ambiguous about my unfettered desire to have my shaft and sack mutilated by a willing third party through the questionable use of foreign objects. I’m only truly happy when my bean bag is getting mercilessly whipped with the hard end of a dog leash, and I tend to write about what makes me happy. No subtlety. No nuance. Just good old-fashioned cock and ball torture is all I need to get my motor going.

Hell, the word ‘metaphor’ is a stretch because you really don’t need to read between the lines at all.

Okay, so maybe I could see how lines like “transcend the pain, let it carry you away,” could have a number of different meanings. But as the guy who wrote the damn lyrics, I assure you that I came up with the verse while slamming my nuts under a toilet seat using my full body weight. It’s not about overcoming the abandonment issues I have with my father or getting over a significant break-up. It’s about aggressively servicing my goods until they’re out of order for an entire fucking week.

At the end of the day, I really don’t care what kind of message you take away from my music. By the same token, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t absolutely disgusted to the point of wanting to change careers when I was tagged in a gender reveal post on Instagram that used lyrics from ‘Stick a Fork in Me, I’ll Cum’ as a caption.

I guess what I’m trying to say is although my art is no longer mine once I share it with the world, the only thing I really care about is finding a woman who’s brave enough to put out a cigarette on my crotch by stomping on it with her stilettos. And if you keep buying my albums I can probably hook that up, so thanks… I guess.

Gen X Man 100% Feminist Unless Someone Mentions Courtney Love

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local 49-year-old Corey Nulf was a self-proclaimed feminist until anyone around mentions musician Courtney Love, confirmed sources who turned off “The People vs. Larry Flynt” movie when he entered the room.

“Despite being a cishet AMAB, I’m a pro-choice sex-positive intersectional fourth-wave feminist constantly looking to educate myself by reading and listening to the great minds of both yesterday and today to be a positive role model to my two amazing daughters,” Nulf said, placing a Ruth Bader Ginsburg bookmark into a worn copy of bell hooks’ “Teaching To Transgress.” “I don’t have a prefab mold for them as young women, but I can tell you who I don’t want them to emulate—that succubus Courtney Love. Between the gold-digging, hoarding the rights to Nirvana’s music, and without a doubt murdering Kurt Cobain with her bare hands and framing it as a shotgun wound, is there a more contemptible woman in history? I can’t wait to see her dead.”

Nulf’s feelings toward Love were concerning to his immediate family.

“Dad was so excited to take us to ‘Captain Marvel’ when it came out to show us a strong female character on the big screen, but he threw an outburst when a Hole song came on during the credits. I hadn’t seen him this upset since he petitioned the Pop Warner football team to let me play,” said Nulf’s tween daughter Penelope. “It was so embarrassing. I didn’t know people could get kicked out of a movie after it was over. When we got home he forced us to watch ‘Kurt and Courtney’ and ‘Soaked In Bleach,’ giving the middle finger to the TV any time Courtney appeared on screen.”

Experts report that when people are faced with devastating pop culture news they abandon their core values.

“This is a classic scapegoat scenario,” said Dr. Gar Franks, Sociologist at Vassar College. “Even in so-called tolerant groups, there is a tendency to blame an undeserving and underrepresented minority. Sometimes you can’t even see blatant misogyny even as it’s happening. Like all the people who attacked poor Linda McCartney, while ignoring how that she-demon Yoko Ono basically served up John Lennon on a silver platter to be murdered. It’s a real shame Linda is so villanized.”

At press time, the left-leaning Nulf was heard blaming all the shortcomings of the Democratic party on Monica Lewinsky.