Closeted Republican Politicians Breathe Sigh of Relief as X Makes Likes Private

Posted on by Eric Schwartz

WASHINGTON — Closeted Republican politicians across the country breathed a collective sigh of relief following Elon Musk’s announcement that likes on X will no longer be public, multiple sources reported.

“This is a huge win for privacy rights,” said Senator Lindsey Graham, unconvincingly. “With this decision, Elon Musk is showing the world that the posts people like in the privacy of their own home is no one’s business. Personally, this change doesn’t affect me at all. I’ll just continue liking posts about war and such. I hope this decision inspires other tech leaders to follow suit with similar policies, like making sure that private browsing searches can never be uncovered.”

Meanwhile, other notable members of the GOP expressed trepidation with Musk’s decision.

“While I understand the privacy concerns, I’m worried that Mr. Musk hasn’t considered some of the negative effects that come with hiding likes,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “For instance, monitoring my 18-year-old son’s porn habits will be considerably more difficult now. I used to be able to simply look in his likes to see if he so much enjoyed a photo of a woman’s uncovered shoulders, but now I’ll have to continue to use the deeply creepy app I’ve installed on both our phones to do so.”

The tech billionaire and X CEO explained his rationale for the change, noting how it will help maintain the privacy of his allies in elected positions and protect them from attacks on their character.

“When it comes down to it, no one needs to see the images and videos that our elected officials are liking on their personal and professional accounts,” said Musk. “This policy will help our politicians keep their private lives private and protect them from defamatory attacks by the ‘tolerant’ left about their kinks and fetishes. It should also be noted that this change has nothing to do with those hentai photos I accidentally liked. It’s crazy that anyone would even suggest that.”

As of press time, Senator Tim Scott commented that he can “like even more of the posts that turn me on, like photos of women and boobs.”

Cynic Claims Toyotathon “Only Invented To Sell Cars”

Posted on by Bill Rockas

BROOKLINE, Mass. — Local cynic Winston Buckler has panned the joyous advent of the Toyotathon as nothing more than a “way to sell cars,” sources confirmed.

“It’s literally just a way to peddle vehicles to gullible people,” the grumbling skeptic muttered. “I’m not angry about it. I’m just saying that Toyotathon is a corporately sponsored event that incentivizes people to buy their products. My neighbor was screaming at me, saying that I was ruining the holiday season by lying about corporate involvement. I told him ‘You don’t think the company called Toyota invented the Toyotathon for profit?’ He then looked at his driveway packed in with eight Toyota trucks, looked back at me, and said ‘no.’”

Buckler’s reckless iconoclasm has affected a lot of people negatively, namely his 16-year-old daughter.

“All the kids at school make fun of me because of my dad,” said the lilting Jenna Buckler. “Every Saturday my friends are taking test drives at the dealership and purchasing high-quality vehicles for low, low prices, often times with no money down, but anytime I try to join in, they point at me and scream ‘DISSIDENT!’ And my school is decorated in all things Toyota. Last week in history class I had to do a presentation on the importance of the Corolla Hatchback on our nation’s technological and emotional progress. I wasn’t raised in a Toyota family so everyone kept hissing and vrooming at me during my speech including my teacher. I hate it! I’ve started walking to school to avoid anyone seeing that embarrassing Ferrari dad bought me.”

In the midst of Winston’s campaign of falsehoods, he encountered a strange figure in his study during the wee hours of the night.

“Honk Honk! Tis I!” bellowed Toyotathon Don, the auto manufacturer’s whimsical mascot. “My dear boy, you must open your heart to the wonders of no-cost maintenance plans and 0% APR on select vehicles before it’s too late! You’re driving your family away and not in a sensible yet stylish 2024 Sienna LE. For you see, Toyotathon isn’t about money or cars. It’s about love… love of how you could spend your money on a car. That love has been written about for centuries. When the Greeks conceived of ‘eros’ and ‘philia’ to describe different forms of love, they also conceived of the root word ‘toyota.’ You don’t want to get left behind. So say to yourself right now, before it’s over, ‘Let’s Go Places!’”

At press time, Winston’s heart that had grown two sizes too big and suddenly felt the urge to purchase a Prius.

So, Mister Bond, Will It Be Mountain Dew…or Mountain Dew X-Treme?

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Mister Bond, welcome to my inner sanctum. I had hoped that you would manage to elude my men, even the very deadly and ethnically ambiguous Port Salud. In the eventuality that you made it to this, my hyperbaric chamber in the midst of a volcano shaped like a skull, I thought you might like some…shall we say, refreshment.

So, what shall it be, 007? Will it be Mountain Dew…or Mountain Dew X-Treme?

Surely, a man of your talents is not afraid to taste a little of Mountain Dew’s finest, most extreme, most totally fucking bodacious concoction? I seem to recall there was a time when His Majesty’s Secret Service was made of sterner stuff and Double-0 agents were not afraid to do the proverbial dew.

Hold it right there, Mister Bond!

Make no mistake, I normally may not be your match in crude fisticuffs, but I spent the precious 90 seconds it took you to break into the sanctum chugging Dew X-Treme, and my body is fully ready to open a can of whoop-ass on your pasty Scottish ass.

I AM SO FULL OF CAFFEINE, MISTER BOND!

If you take even a step closer to my magnificent Strontium Enhancing Array, I will be forced to get totally wicked on you, Mister Bond, you don’t even fucking know. The countdown cannot be stopped, and soon, Earth’s entire supply of strontium, the element necessary for the manufacture of America’s precious glow-in-the-dark novelties, will be under my control.

Bow to your precious NATO all you like, 007, but in the modern novelty world, there is only one true superpower: he who controls the strontium. The Mountain Dew X-Treme is just the beginning of the spoils.

Do you remember the offer I made you in Knoxville, the birthplace of the Dew itself? We could have been partners in the new world, Mister Bond. But you had to oppose me, and now you’ll die without a single ounce of strontium left to you. And I will be the one with the X-Treme flavors!

Mountain Dew Code Red! Mountain Dew Baja Point Break Punch! Even Mountain Dew Passionfruit Frenzy, they’re all mine! You’ve lost, Mister Bond! Lost! HAHAHA!

DO THE DEW!

What’s that you’ve got there, what are you waving at me? Why, it’s an ordinary pen. I don’t see how that’s supposed to intimidate me unless… wait. Is it full of Mountain Dew?!

Heartbreaking: Annoying Kid That Refused to Do Pledge of Allegiance in High School Was 100% Right

Posted on by Matt Husser

TACOMA, Wash. — Local man Blake Crawford was reportedly heartbroken while attending his 20-year high school reunion after coming to the realization that the once annoying kid Zach Reynolds who refused to do the pledge of allegiance back in high school was right all along, sources at the reunion confirmed.

“I remember in junior year he’d make a big show about not doing the pledge daily and get himself kicked out of class. Yeah, we know they only added ‘under God’ to the pledge in 1954, he mentioned it’s an ‘unconstitutional endorsement of monotheism’ every day. Well, don’t tell him I said this, but he kinda had a point,” said Crawford. “It was right after 9/11 and our Math teacher had a real hard-on for the flag, so I’d have to watch them argue for ten minutes when I just wanted to get through the day so I could get some ‘freedom fries’ at lunch—actually, looking back Zach had some annoyingly correct opinions on that stupid shit as well.”

The students’ homeroom teacher Kenneth McGraw recalled the frequent sparring matches he and Reynolds would get into over the compulsory nature of the pledge.

“Zach was just another wannabe socialist that didn’t understand that the only thing that separates us from the commies in North Korea is our unwavering public support of the nation’s symbols and commitment to patriotic ceremony,” said McGraw, shining his flag pin to a mirror sheen. “If it were up to me we’d be reciting the pledge of allegiance before every meal, between every quarter and timeout during football games—I used to recite the pledge before marital intercourse too, but my wife told me she’d secede from our union if I didn’t stop.”

Retired Vice Principal Glen Cornerstone recalled Reynolds frequently ending up in his office for disciplinary action after he was thrown out of class by his teacher.

“Oh yeah I remember that kid—well of course the pledge is stupid, but every teenager that discovers Bad Religion thinks they’re the first to notice. I told him he needed to be chill like my hero Bob Dylan, but Zach would come at his teacher out of the gates with Dead Kennedys’ energy and end up in my office,” said Cornerstone, adjusting his receding ponytail. “He’d come in ranting about how the War on Terror was a colonization campaign to secure resources and use the military industrial complex to extract wealth for private industry. He was right, but you can’t show any weakness in front of teenagers or those jackals will tear you apart. Also, have you ever heard 500 kids say the pledge in unison before an assembly? It’s fucking creepy.”

At press time, Crawford was crestfallen after remembering what Reynolds had to say about JROTC in high school.

“The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time” Dungeons Ranked by How Well They’d Serve as a Music Venue

Posted on by Steve Esparra

Everyone knows “The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.” Literally everyone. It’s universally regarded as one of, if not, the best video game of all time. Perfecting what Super Mario 64 started, its combination of gameplay and story makes it the gold standard for RPGs to this day. To add to this greatness, the game incorporates music in a way that had never been done before, thanks to the demi-god and O.G. punk that is Koji Kondo and his never-ending well of theme music.

While the music of the game has been heralded since its release in 1998, we can’t help but think that some of these places in Hyrule would be pretty badass for a show. So bust out your ocarina and grab a handful of odd mushrooms, because we ranked every dungeon based on how well it would serve as a music venue.

We used the Lens of Truth while writing this, so no need to argue with us over the order. It said that the three mini-dungeons don’t count. No one is going to a show in a fucking ice cavern.

9. Inside Jabu-Jabu’s Belly

There was no way this wasn’t going to be the worst venue on the list. You’re inside a literal whale stomach. Not even sure if it’s a whale. It’s some sort of fish god that the other fish people worship that wears a crown and has a belly ache. It’s hard to imagine what the smell would be like in there… probably similar to a crust punk show at a VFW hall on a 95 degree day. Also can’t imagine what type of band would even want to play in such a venue. It screams exclusively gore metal or some shit. No thanks.

8. Ganon’s Castle

Obviously the biggest on the list, this venue is reserved for stadium acts too big to play the small rooms they started out in. It’s close proximity to the downtown area, sitting just outside the city, you have to climb a shit ton of steps to get to where you gotta go (and the higher up you get, the more difficult people are to deal with), and when it’s over, you have to rush out as quick as you can to beat traffic. Not to mention it costs 99 rupees just for a bottle of water. All that to say, not my kind of scene.

7. Water Temple

I’m sure there’s a metaphor in there somewhere about the venue being “underwater” depending on what music you play, but let’s go the less obvious route: this is an EDM festival’s dream site. Think about it… the layout is confusing as all hell, you meet up with your friends as soon as you walk in, only to immediately lose them trying to follow them, and don’t find them again for the rest of the show. Not to mention you’re on so many drugs that you have to battle to suppress the deepest, darkest version of yourself to continue. The irony is that maybe in my younger days that would sound fun to me, but now that I’m an adult, you wouldn’t catch me in this setting at all. Not by a longshot.

6. Shadow Temple

Has there ever been a more obvious goth venue than the Shadow Temple? It’s in a graveyard for Christ’s sake. “What is hidden in the darkness… Tricks of ill will… You can’t see the way forward” “Make my beak face the skull of truth. The alternative is descent into deep darkness.” These may as well be lyrics from The Art of Drowning. What’s worse, the place is run by a bongo player. A fucking bongo player. Even bassists look down on bongo players. Although, not going to lie…how fun would it be to headwalk off a stage across an audience with the hover boots on, only to get to the pit and keep floating on air until you reach the back crowd and continue headwalking?

Honorable Mention: Temple of Time

While not technically a dungeon in the game, we’d be remiss not to mention this absolute specimen of a venue. Think Limelight in the ‘90s. You just know some wealthy Hyrulian with millions of rupees would have bought it and put a techno club in there. A place where all the creatures of the land could come together… Zora, Goron, Kokiri, Sheik, Gerudo, whatever the fuck a Deku Scrub is, all tripping balls partying with one another. That’s the future Hyrule deserves.

5. Forest Temple

Needing some medieval weapon to even access it? Giant skeletons in armor waiting inside to challenge you to a swordfight? Being in the middle of a literal forest? Sounds like a black metal show to me! The venue is even owned by an “Evil Spirit from Beyond” who has pictures of himself on horseback all over the office. You just know that Dimmu Borgir or Goatwhore would tear the roof off this temple.

4. Dodongo’s Cavern

While the giant dinosaur skull in the main entrance room screams metal, this venue feels like it could pull double duty and host a good rap and/or hip-hop show. There’s Lizalfos with knives trying to stab you in multiple rooms and pyrotechnics galore. Where else would you be able to get a “bomb bag,” if you catch our drift? The type of bag you’d need the worlds finest eye drops after. Infernal Dinosaur is the most metal band name ever, while King Dodongo sounds like a member of Wu Tang Clan. Also, Ocarina of Rhyme made a sick remix of No Jumpercables by Aesop Rock using the Goron Village theme.

3. Spirit Temple

Finally, an all ages venue that both kids and adults can go to. This temple is located in the middle of a desert and focuses heavily on the spirit, which kinda feels like a fine place for a Krishnacore concert. Think of Porcell and Cappo as the two witch sisters who run the venue that can only be defeated with a “magical mirror.” Pretty sure Iron Knuckle is a Shelter cover band actually.

2. Fire Temple

This venue is metal as fuck. It’s in a volcano, has a fucking dragon flying around, and you get a war hammer to start fucking shit up with. And above all that… it’s HOT. You need a special fire-resistant hoodie just to get in. There’s even a guy who you’ve met exactly one time in your life who is waiting as soon as you walk in the door calling you his sworn brother. It sounds like every metal show I’ve ever been to. Replace the controversial chanting music of this temple with Dragonforce and no one will bat an eye.

1. Inside the Deku Tree

Ever see a flyer for a house show that says “ask a punk” instead of listing the actual address? The Deku Tree is every punk house you’ve ever been to. There are cobwebs everywhere, a gigantic spider seems to run the entire dungeon, and its owner is on his deathbed after being afflicted by a mysterious illness. On top of that, there is some punk kid blocking the entrance until you can prove your street cred. You can imagine seeing the likes of Discharge or Aus Rotten in the basement where you fight Gohma. In fact, Parasitic Armored Arachnid sounds like a crust punk band if I’ve ever heard one. With wood everywhere, the acoustics would probably be awesome too. If this venue actually existed, it would go down in the history books with the likes of City Gardens and Gilman.

If you’ll excuse me, my owl is here to pick me up. A Gossip Stone told me Drain is playing a free pop-up show at Lon Lon Ranch. Now where did I put those Hover Boots?

Every Vampire Weekend Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

Vampire Weekend seems to be a “love ‘em or hate ‘em” type of band. Which kind of makes no sense. They’re talented, fun and catchy. What’s not to like? They’re overall pretty inoffensive, and we don’t mean that in a negative way. We mean it in the way that Peanut Butter and Jelly is an inoffensive sandwich. But let’s be real: it’s still an absolute banger of a sandwich. All depends on the jelly. Peanut butter seems like it’s hard to fuck up. Definitely had shitty jelly, but peanut butter seems pretty straightforward. At that point, it’s really a question of crunchy or creamy. And honestly, that’s up to who’s making it. Because either is delicious, but crunchy is a real pain in the ass to spread. Anyways, here’s the Vampire Weekend album rankings.

5. Contra (2010)

What made their debut so fun and listenable just two years earlier was the mix of fun and catchy pop songs with a variety of sounds that were very openly taken from different musical styles and cultures. But Vampire Weekend’s sophomore effort “Contra” kinda feels like they left out the passion and just went “what if we really Paul Simon’d this shit out of this?” Because what it mostly lacks is authenticity. While their debut came off as college kids having fun with different styles at first, “Contra” sounds more like grad students trying to explain a different culture to a person from that culture. They probably get a few things right, and sure it seems like their heart is in the right place. But c’mon. Read the room, bro. Read the room.

Play it again: “Horchata” “White Sky”
Skip it: “California English”

4. Father of the Bride (2019)

After the release of “Modern Vampires,” the band amicably split with keyboard player and co-composer of pretty much all their stuff, Rostam Batmanglij. The first album without a seminal member of a band is always gonna be tough. Do you hire someone new and better and show that you’re just as good? Or do you write a bunch of songs that don’t feature what that former member did, and prove you genuinely don’t need them? Well if you’re our Weekend Vampires, you do neither and instead go for quantity. Of what, you ask? Literally everything. Songs, guests, instruments. “Father of the Bride” goes hard on all those things. And the results are mixed. Some great songs, some not-so-great songs, but overall too many songs. The single “This Life” is honestly one of the band’s best, and the lyrics are clever and depressing, one of our favorite combos at ye olde Hard Times. But by the second half of the album just drags so much. And that’s not the vibe bro. That’s just not the vibe.

Play it again: “This Life” “Unbearably White”
Skip it: “Sympathy”

3. Self-Titled (2008)

Out of the blue, this band was everywhere. The radio. The internet. Late-night talk shows. SNL. Absolutely everywhere. Not only that, but they were also adorable. And their songs were catchy and danceable. There was a semi-punk sensibility to what they were doing while also not having a classic punk sound at all. Anyone who saw them live said the energy was infectious. 2008 was a big year for “indie rock”, whatever that might have meant back then. Frightened Rabbit, Tv on the Radio, and The Hold Steady all put out good albums that year. So with Wes Anderson-style videos, radio-friendly tracks, and a name that, at the time, seemed annoying as shit, it’d be easy to hate this album. But nah. Because sometimes the pool party calls for Entombed’s “Left Hand Path.” But sometimes you just need catchy jams that are fun. And this band is fun, bro. This band is fun.

Play it again: “Mansard Roof” “M79” “Oxford Comma”
Skip it: “Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa”

2. Only God Was Above Us (2024)

We definitely didn’t have Vampire Weekend’s most recent album being their second-best album on our bingo cards. Yet here we are. It definitely feels like they learned some lessons with the last album. This album feels sad and fun in the ways that their debut and MVIC were. The band also feels in on it. They know what they are. They aren’t trying to reinvent the wheel. They just want the wheel to fucking go. That said, new albums can be a trap. Perspective changes over time, so we could easily see ourselves looking back in a few years and not loving it. But at the moment, this album is killing it. While after a listen, “Father of the Bride” had that feeling of “huh… maybe it’ll grow on me,” “Only God was Above Us” ends with us genuinely wishing it wasn’t over. Vampire Weekend is back, bro! Grab your boat shoes,Vampire Weekend is back!

Play it again: “Capricorn” “Prep-School Gangsters”
Skip it: “The Surfer”

1. Modern Vampires of the City (2014)

This album is the soundtrack to a specific party in a specific area of NYC at a specific time in history. And let’s be honest: you weren’t at that party. To be clear, neither were we. But we all wanted to be. We can pretend we don’t care. We can act like we weren’t looking at the pictures everyone at the party was posting on Facebook, but we were. We all were. Oh, Brad and Sarah were there? Huh. How come they knew about the party but we didn’t? Whatever, doesn’t matter. We don’t even wanna go out. Which is great. Because instead of being at that party, we were at home. Laundry piled up. Fridge smelling like death. “Boondocks Saints” poster on the wall. Or maybe by now it was a Tarantino film, maybe a protest poster. Either way, whatever emotion it evoked in us when we put it up there hasn’t been felt in this aging skin suit for at least a year. Binge-watching “West Wing,” or “Sex and the City,” or “The Wire.” Eating a whole bag of Tostitos with a hint of lime in our pajamas. We call them our pajamas, but they’re gym shorts that we bought on that one day we thought we might start exercising. And as we click on the video someone posted of everyone having an awesome time at the party we weren’t told about, we see the sweaty mess of absurdly attractive humans dancing, smiling, and singing “If Diane Young won’t change your mind, baby, baby, baby, baby, right on time.” And we smile. We know that song. So we put on “Modern Vampires in the City” and quietly sob to ourselves. That’s why we love this album. It’s a looking glass into the world we were never part of. And we never will be, bro. We never will be.

Play it again: “Step” “Don’t Lie” “Unbelievers”
Skip it: “Finger Back”

Mickey Mouse Fired From Disney After ‘90s Airbrushing of Him Smoking Joint Surfaces

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

GLENDALE, Calif. — Disney’s beloved icon Mickey Mouse was unceremoniously fired after a decades-old airbrushed image of him smoking a joint recently surfaced online, Disney executives confirmed over the weekend.

“It’s with a heavy heart that we announce the termination of Mickey Mouse from the Disney family. We hold our characters to the highest standards of conduct and family-friendly values. Unfortunately, this particular image is not in line with the values Disney upholds,” stated Disney CEO Bob Iger in a solemn press conference. “This, sadly, comes right on the heels of us having to let Snow White go after a provocative, compromising image of her was found tattooed on the forearm of a motorcycle gang member in Sturgis, South Dakota. We have a zero tolerance policy here, and no exceptions are allowed.”

When reached for comment, Mickey Mouse himself denied any wrongdoing.

“That isn’t even me, folks! It looks nothing like me. This was done by some crappy street artist in Wisconsin Dells in the ‘90s. I’ve never been to The Dells! I’m contractually bound from ever going into a competitor’s theme park,” the once beloved entertainer said in a statement. “There are countless counterfeit renderings of me out there. I don’t want to point fingers, but Bart Simpson hasn’t been canceled for all of the crappy tie-dyed t-shirts of him saying some really bad stuff and even wearing blackface. The entire Looney Toons group did a photoshoot of them dressed up as ‘gangsta rappers.’ The ‘90s were a weird time, folks!”

Experts on corporate culture and media image have weighed in on the controversy, noting the complex dynamics at play.

“This incident highlights the pressures faced by long-standing brand icons to maintain a spotless public image,” explained Dr. Emily Greene, a professor of media studies. “The ’90s were a decade of artistic experimentation and rebellion, with trends like airbrushing, blacklights, and graffiti pushing boundaries and challenging norms. It’s not surprising that such a controversial image emerged from that era, but resurfacing in today’s context underscores the enduring impact of past artistic expressions on contemporary perceptions.”

Hot off the heels of his release from Disney, Mickey has announced he is joining an alt-right comedy tour to fight against cancel culture featuring Louis CK, Chris D’Elia, and Joe Rogan.

5 Reasons Why I Think Rivers Cuomo May Be Inhabiting My Garage

Posted on by Charlie Splete

It’s not uncommon to run into the occasional pest while cleaning out your garage, but when I stumbled upon a small nest in mine littered with guitar picks and a dorky pair of glasses, I was perplexed.

After browsing a few homecare reddits and listening to the Blue album a few more times, I’ve narrowed my mystery pest down to either Rivers Cuomo or a particularly nostalgic muskrat. Gun to my head, my Money is on Cuomo.

You may find it hard to believe that Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo is now living among my 2012 Kia Optima and my beer fridge, but here are 5 pieces of hard evidence that say it is so.

My Old D&D Box Is Open
While I briefly dabbled in tabletop gaming in high school, my once-forgotten box of monster manuals and dice inexplicably reappeared on my garage shelf. Stranger yet, the box had been left open and I was sure that my D8 was missing. No other pest would have foraged for such materials than Mr. Weezer himself.

I Hear Noises at Night
Common vermin typically make skittering noises or at least a subtle indicator of their infestation. Usually, this isn’t something that keeps me up at night, but someone’s been playing stupid songs on his electric guitar well past 2 AM. While the common muskrat is known to be active during these hours, they are notoriously poor at nailing the F chord.

Someone Keeps Hanging up KISS Posters
Having not owned a single KISS poster in all my life, I was perplexed to see pictures of Ace Frehley strewn across my garage walls. They are far from my favorite rock group, and Ace Frehley is far from even being my favorite member. The Kitty Pride poster I may have hung after a night of drunk Amazon ordering, that’s on brand, but I’m like 90% sure I had nothing to do with the KISS stuff.

I See Him Scamper Away When I Open The Door
After getting home from work and opening the garage door, I was shocked to see a Cuomo-shaped figure snatch up his X-Men comics from the ground and dash behind a stack of cardboard boxes. At that point of the day I was too tired to confront him, and promised myself to look for my can of Raid in the morning.

He Left Me a Note
Perhaps the most damning piece of evidence was when I found a note taped to the windshield of my car from Rivers himself. He declared my garage was where he “belongs”, and promised me that during his residency in my car port that I would never hear him sing his song. There were also a bunch of droppings everywhere though, so maybe I have a Rivers Cuomo AND a muskrat?

Guy Who Hates Taylor Swift Finally Hears One of Her Songs

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

WORCESTER, Mass. — Longtime Taylor Swift condemner Harris Simmons finally got around to hearing one of the famous pop singer’s songs, despite years of calling her “the worst thing to happen to music since the Spice Girls,” sources confirmed.

“I thought the song ‘Fortnight’ kinda had a cool ‘80s vibe, but I was still unsure if it was good, because there was some girl singing, and you know, that can go either way,” said Simmons. “But then I recognized Post Malone’s voice. That’s how I knew it was a cool song. That guy’s an OG. So, in essence, I guess I do like Tay Tay songs, but only when Post Malone sings them. I’ve been called a misogynist in the past. But I don’t think I am. Simply because I have no idea what that word means.”

Friends of Simmons were visibly irritated while trying to hold a conversation with him about music.

“He’s the most frustrating person I’ve ever met. He constantly talks about how awful her music is, but can’t name one of her songs,” said Mike Dorland, Simmons’ coworker at Market Basket. “I asked him once what he hates about her, and he said he only likes ‘punk and heavy stuff.’ But when I checked if he wanted my extra Bikini Kill ticket, he went on his phone for a sec and then said he doesn’t listen to ‘chick music.’ He clearly had no idea who they were and just looked them up right then.”

Dr. Karen Murray, a professor of cultural studies at Boston University, hypothesizes that Simmons’ behavior is part of a larger movement of men who have strong opinions, but don’t want to put the time in to do the research to back up those beliefs.

“There are lots of guys like Harris who can’t stand Taylor Swift on principle. And honestly, as one of the biggest pop stars in the world, she’s inevitably going to attract lots of negative attitudes,” said Dr. Murray. “However, unlike those who dislike her due to her overuse of private planes, her being a member of the billionaire class, or just plain old not enjoying her music, those like Harris seem to find the fact that she’s a woman, classically attractive, and has never had sex with them to be the major reasons they dislike her.”

At press time, Simmons was seen listening to a Beyonce song for the first time, despite years of saying Jay-Z made superior music.

25 Godzilla Monsters Ranked by How Much They Look Like This Weird Bug I Found In My Shower

Posted on by James Knapp

Holy hell! What the fuck is that thing? I have never seen a bug like that in my life and there is a near zero chance that that thing is not a maneater. Of course a fucking kaiju shows up when I’m at my most exposed, and I’ll likely never even know what it really is. But at the very least I can make some decent guesses based on Godzilla movies. Okay, here we go.

25. Mothra

This thing is definitely not a moth. Moths are just bothersome little fuckers who like porch lights. This thing looks like it came straight outta the depths of hell for the sole purpose of ripping off my genitals and laughing as they wash down the drain.

24. Battra

Battra is basically just a scalier version of Mothra. So still no resemblance to this horror I’m currently shielding my vulnerable parts from, which as a reminder, has a prime directive of watching me bleed out due to severed genitals.

23. Jet Jaguar

What the hell is this colorful ass robot thing anyway? It looks like it’s made out of Play-Doh. It’s not a monster, it’s not a bug. It’s useless to me. I’d welcome this thing in my tub.

22. Mecha-King-Ghidorah

Though admittedly this weird bug certainly does look like a mash-up of like four different things that shouldn’t be together, the Mecha-King-Ghidorah monstrosity just ain’t the right combination. Also, I’m pretty sure this bug is looking at my butt now, if it tried to crawl inside me I’m a dead man.

21. Rodan

Nope. Too simple. Rodan is just a fucked up pterodactyl, and this bug looks like it only lives off of radiation and hatred.

20. M.O.G.U.E.R.A

This one does actually have some of the features of the bug, albeit mechanically. But just out of principle I’m putting all the robot monsters pretty low on this list. Robots and bugs just don’t mix, plus everyone knows robots hate water.

19. Hedorah

Though a toxic sludge kaiju is definitely the same energy that this bug is giving off, there are no physical similarities. At least I can give both of them credit for being incredibly ugly fucks. I wonder if I can drown this thing with my wife’s hair conditioner, but she might yell at me for “wasting” it again.

18. Mechagodzilla

Alright, I think this is the last robot. Once again, robots aren’t bugs. Don’t try to confuse me, I need all of my focus on this abomination that I’m trapped in a confined, wet space with.

17. Godzillasaurus

I guess this one kind of looks like the bug. Not as close of a match as Godzilla classic, but not a total departure from that frightening-looking animal currently blocking the shower door. If I just don’t make any sudden moves maybe it will lose interest.

16. Kumonga

Oh how simple it would all be if this thing were just a giant spider. If it were Kumonga that decided to show up while I was soaping my armpits I might not have given it a second thought compared to whatever devil this thing really is.

15. Gabara

Now that we’re getting into the “middle of the road” monsters on this list a lot of these are starting to blend together. Also, I just made eye contact with the bug and I think it stole a piece of my soul. From now on I plan on drafting a will before each shower.

14. Minilla

Minilla is actually kind of cute in a malformed Cabbage Patch Kid sort of way. I wish I could have placed him lower on this list but there were just too many damn robots that had to take up those slots.

13. King Caesar

There aren’t enough insectoid qualities to really make a strong case that King Caesar looks like the bug. But the unrestrained violence in this monster’s eyes still earns him enough of a comparison for this spot.

12. Godzilla

Godzilla classic is a pretty baseline comparison for whatever this horrible horrible thing is. I wonder if I can use a loofah as a weapon, or if my wife will be mad if I ruined her loofah fighting a kaiju.

11. Kamacuras

Closer. Kamacuras definitely nails down the insect part of the equation. But looking at this thing, probably a little too intently, I can’t help but think there’s something more than that to it. Pazuzu maybe?

10. Manda

Oh God, it moved closer! The fucking bug moved closer to me! What do I do?! For the love of fuck what do I do?!

9. Destoroyah

Destoroyah is actually pretty close. Plus a monster born out of Godzilla’s violent past is a surefire relative for this demon. Also, I’m starting to run out of hot water and I’ve thrown every shampoo bottle I can find at the thing.

8. Biolante

Well this is really starting to get really scary for me here. This monster is truly a hybrid of all things horrifying. Biolante may not be a spot on doppelganger, but if it comes at me with those acid claws I might poop in here a little bit.

7. Megaguirus

The old Godzilla movies really reused a lot of the same monster models. Similarly, I’m currently reusing this dull safety razor as a makeshift shiv in case this weird bug decides to try anything funny. I can tell it’s thinking about it.

6. Ebirah

I mean, what are lobsters besides sea bugs anyway? And Ebirah is basically just a big lobster who was mutated by radioactive wastewater. So yeah, there’s a fair comparison here.

5. Gigan

Gigan is pretty close in form, but nowhere near as ferocious in appearance. Still, if I imagine the bug as more Gigan-like it makes it a little easier for me to try to sprint past it and the hell out of this entire house. I may actually have to just straight up move.

4. Monster X

Okay, now that I see this thing and Monster X side by side I totally believe this is actually an alien. I would explain how it got in here without me realizing it. It just beamed in like some kind of xenomorph jerkwad to trap me in a case of my own juices.

3. Orga

Man, we are really getting close here. As much as I don’t like the idea of Orga watching me apply my prescription scalp oil, I guess there is some solace in at least knowing what it might be that finally decides to devour me.

2. Baragon

It moved again! Oh fuck, it’s going in for the kill!

1. Megalon

Yep, that’s it. The drill hands, the death wings, that fucking hammer sticking out of its forehead. How the hell did a Megalon get into my shower? At least now I know what I’m up against and maybe can get out of here. How did Godzilla beat Megalon in the movie? I hope it involves squirting Tresemme Volumizer at it and running like hell because that’s kinda my only option at this point.