Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Desperately Trying To Keep Conversation Surface Level With Our Dad

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Father’s Day is here again, which means you’ve likely had to endure classic rock for all the parts of the day you weren’t teaching the old man how to use his Bluetooth speaker for the thousandth time. There’s nothing wrong with classic rock, per say, but at one point you heard ‘Knights In White Satin’ five times in a row because your dad didn’t realize he had pressed the ‘repeat’ button on the track. Moral of the story is, you need new music fast and we’re here to give it to you. Read on to learn what our staff has been listening to this week, and click here to listen as you chain smoke behind your mom’s garden shed.

The Black Dahlia Murder “Aftermath”

Two years after the tragic passing of their legendary frontman Trevor Strnad, The Black Dahlia Murder are pressing onward with cofounder Brian Eschbach on lead vocals. While the decision to carry on was one of love and healing, that doesn’t mean the band has stopped writing their standard deranged material. Their latest single, ‘Aftermath,’ details a post-apocalyptic world in which the living have resorted to cannibalism. Though fictional, it still feels a bit topical.

IDLES “Mood Swings (Little Simz cover)”

Little Simz might be one of the most criminally underrated acts in hip-hop at the moment, so it’s a great thing to see someone other than our nerdiest staff member recognizing that fact. IDLES recently added a touch of their signature style to her excellence with a cover of ‘Mood Swings.’ It’s worth the listen even if it’s just to hear frontman Joe Talbot’s inexplicable rendition of Peaches ‘Fuck The Pain Away’ multiple times throughout the arrangement. It’s two covers for the price of none.

High Vis “Mob DLA”

You might not be aware of this, but there are several UK post-punk bands that aren’t IDLES. Shocking, innit? Some of them are pretty great, even! High Vis is one of them, and they’ve just dropped a new single. Like all good post-punk songs, ‘Mob DLA’ blends a bevy of conflicting genres with a lyrical dash of economic and existential dread. Just try to remember that your cockney accent needs some work before attempting to sing along.

Hinds “En Forma”

Indie rockers Hinds are set to release their new album ‘Viva Hinds’ later this year. It’s their first full-length album since the departure of their longtime bassist and drummer a few years back, and it doesn’t seem the duo is lacking any of their characteristic punch despite that fact. Their latest single ‘En Forma’ is a frenzied indie-pop earworm, complete with shout along hooks and jangly as fuck guitars. Despite being based and founded in Madrid, it’s also their first ever track sung entirely in Spanish. We figured we’d give you a heads-up since we know you flunked that class in high school.

Doubt “The Hard Way”

There are few things certain in life: death, taxes, and the fact that Baltimore’s hardcore scene will likely survive the impending nuclear apocalypse. The latter is extremely evident when listening to newcomers Doubt, who have just released an absolute ripper with ‘The Hard Way.’ With a ninety-second runtime and a tempo change that will make you feel like you could fistfight a shark, you have literally no excuse to get this one on your ‘break shit’ playlist immediately.

Molchat Doma “Son”

The eerie new single, ‘Son,’ from the even eerier dark wave trio ‘Molchat Doma’ dropped this week, along with the announcement of the band’s forthcoming record ‘Belaya Polosa.’ If you have six minutes to spare and are tired of listening to your 80’s industrial playlist but still want the same vibes, this one’s for you. The track is a heady rumination on never being able to return to your past self. It’s a good reminder considering you’ve only recently stopped texting your ex.

Psst. Looking for more? Of course you are. These are desperate times. That’s why we’ve hand crafted a playlist for you. It doesn’t just have these songs on it, either. It has every song we’ve ever written about this year, and will continue to grow until it becomes so long and disorienting that it develops sentience and tells you to get a job. You can click here to check it out unless you’re a coward who hates great music.

Amazing! This Man Plays Acoustic Guitar for His Newborn Every Night Because The Baby’s too Young to Say No

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

Is there anything more beautiful than a father’s love expressed through music? If there is, we don’t want to know about it. Meet Jay Graham, a father who serenades his newborn child with a different song on his acoustic guitar every night. And the best part? The baby still hasn’t learned to talk so she can’t do anything to stop it.

“When my wife told me she was pregnant, I immediately went to Ebay and purchased the most expensive acoustic guitar I could find and started teaching myself how to play. It was just really important I do this for my daughter. Sure, it was a lot of hard work these past 9 months, but my wife didn’t mind painting the nursery and putting together the crib while I perfected ‘Everlong,’” said father-of-the-year candidate. “And now that the baby is here, it’s so great I get to share my gift with her. And she doesn’t seem to mind crying it out on the floor while I try to get the tuning right for ‘Pink Moon’ either.”

Now you might be saying to yourself “where is the mother in this scenario, why wouldn’t she step in to stop this awful behavior?” The fact of the matter is, she’s doing her best to juggle everything in the household.

“Yeah, he’s a selfish dipshit. But I still don’t have the heart to tell him that the baby isn’t smiling because he nailed ‘Hotel California’ but because she just loaded up her Pampers with some brown mustard newborn poop,” explained the new mother. “Jay keeps insisting that someday the baby will really appreciate all this time he spends locked in the basement watching YouTube tutorials and perusing guitar tabs. But this is of course assuming that our marriage even survives and I let him see the kid in the future.”

Child care expert Dr. Edmundo Sosa pointed out the danger of acoustic guitar for young children.

While it is true that many studies have shown exposing your children to music has tremendous positive effects on their development, other studies have demonstrated a correlation between the negative effects of music exposure and a parent’s rudimentary acoustic guitar skills,” said Dr. Sosa. “I personally have worked with several children who took up vaping and growing wispy, creeper mustaches following years of exposure to butchered versions of the ‘Fade to Black’ intro.”

While reporting on this story we decided to call Child Protective Services on Mr. Graham after we determined that forcing a child to listen to “Santeria” by Sublime equates to child abuse.

Absent Father Who Just Buys His Kids’ Love and Affection Is Honestly Fucking Crushing It

Posted on by Mike Maher

SCARSDALE, N.Y. — Local estranged dad Scott Barry is reportedly still winning as a father by simply buying his children “whatever the fuck they want” despite missing every single important moment in their lives, sources close to the rich prick confirmed.

“Technically, I’m a terrible parent. But you can’t argue with the results,” Barry said by phone from an unlisted number. “Thanks to me, my kids – who I’ve never met – wear the freshest Jordans, only play the newest gaming systems, and have foie gras in their fucking Lunchables. They don’t want to go fishing; they want Taylor Swift tickets and selfies from the Dolomites. Look, I love my kids – whatever their names are – the same way my dad loved me: with a credit card from as far away as possible. The amount of shares my gifts get on their socials proves I’m killing it. Millions of paid followers can’t be wrong.”

Son Jackson Barry acknowledges his father’s shortcomings but claims his flaws are actually strengths.

“My dad is human garbage, but we have a beautiful relationship,” said the 11-year-old, while bullying someone on Twitch. “We’ve never even spoken yet he knows exactly what kind of trendy expensive shit to buy me. Sure, sometimes I wish me and the old man could toss the pigskin around in the backyard. But hiring Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes to play catch with me instead has been way better. I’m already being scouted by D-1 schools and I’m only in middle school. I love you dad, you piece of fucking shit!”

Despite irreparable emotional damage, child psychologist Pegg Champagne still insists on seeing the Barry kids multiple times a week.

“Are these kids mentally fucked? 100%,” Champagne said. “Even money can’t fix these daddy issues. But I gotta give credit where it’s due. Scumbag or not, pops has prepared his kids for the real world better than most parents, exposing them early to a long life of privilege that only gets better when you’re white, wealthy, and entitled like themselves. These brats don’t only have a membership to the club, they own it. Which is exactly why I keep seeing them. They’re one of my few clients who actually pay. I just bought a brand new Mitsubishi Mirage. Red.”

At press time, it was discovered that Barry had purchased everything for his kids with credit cards taken out in their names, unbeknownst to them.

Ten Underrated Sire Records Albums You Need To Revisit Before Wildfire Season Hits and Consumes Us All

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Ramones. That’s the tweet. Sire Records formed almost sixty, yes, SIXTY years ago and is still active! Wow, what a difference! Anyway, we attempt to list the ten most underrated Sire Records albums in alphabetical order for your verbal and strangely unique pleasure. No bands are included that are, as they say in WWE, “over,” but you miscreants and general practitioners may deem some “overrated”; that is your prerogative. If you’re reading this out loud, you’re strange but you likely know of Sire’s “punk rock cred,” despite and in spite of the fact that they were acquired by a major label that rhymes with “Forner.” Dead boys talk about heads, so don’t echo the singular bunnyman, and not “men,” no no no. Basically, the kids are united AND divided, and should all kiss roses in Batman movies with Sunny Day Real Estate.

Armor For Sleep “Smile For Them” (2007)

Even though this is the band’s worst album, it is still better than your middle school band’s EP that caused literally no one to smile for them. The band’s lone major label effort may have been divisive with their fan base, but as the kids say, there are lots of bops on it, including the stadium soundtrack banger known as “End of the World”. Apparently this album took a lot of trials, errors, more trials, and tribulations to create, but machines are meant to be broken… and easily fixed by Armor For Sleep. The guitars that sound like spaceships epically open the album with its next best song, the almost title track, “Smile for the Camera”; Rick Moranis should and would be proud.

Belly “Star” (1993)

Rhode Island rarely gets repped publicly but the state does produce very fine bands, one of them being Belly. What do you get when you add one breeder to the hysteria laden main character in Charlton Heston’s epic non-sarcastically awesome “The Ten Commandments”? Well, you can acquire a nice helping of Tanya Donelly, a colorful letter “L” and numbered “7” Greenwood, a soon to be exiting Abong, and a few freaking Gormans high and low. Lavender purple syrup is sweet AF, but low red moons are savory for the kids… Belly even shows a white belly untogether here! Whatever folks, just stay in that sad dress.

Destroy Rebuild Until God Shows “D.R.U.G.S.” (2011)

We are not going to go into the lore as to why many believe this record came and went quickly, but it’s impossible to deny that this full-length studio album is an almost perfect mall screamo LP, and we aren’t taking any more questions on the matter. Mr. Owel, Craig Owens, may be back in Chiodos now, but this project came in the wake of his firing, and while he sure showed ‘em that he could exist sans the other 175 members of Chiodos, sadly there wasn’t any staying power with the illicit substances rock and roll/Warped Tour supergroup which then included members of Matchbook Romance, Underminded, From First To Last, and Story of the Year. Thankfully drugs are back, and thankfully they’re bad for you.

Eisley “The Valley” (2011)

Scene-adjacent band Eisley rival some of the best in the biz with their exceptional harmonies and melodic sensibilities, but for one reason or more, the band and this album (“The Valley”) in particular didn’t break through the mainstream; sad. We wish that better love and general kind behavior was spread globally via Eisley’s tunes, but we know that Haley Joel Osment digs the band, so we guess that that is enough. By the way, that is not a joke despite being on brand. So take back Sunday, say anything that your heart desires, and your new found glory will send an ambulance to one in need. Also, despite what you may think, Eisley is NOT a Christian band but they ARE both Christian and “Star Wars” aficionados, which makes a lot of sense as Jesus and a storm trooper have a lot in common besides the obvious; duh, dorks.

Foxy Shazam “Self-Titled” (2010)

The frenetic and fun warriors known as Foxy Shazam combined Queen and The Venetia Fair in an extremely glorious way, and created one of the better self-titled albums of all time. Opening with a dog barking and a few vibrant spoken words is quite “the” move, but Foxy Shazam likes to make you move it move it, they like to move it move it. Producer John Feldmann is known more for bands like The Used, 5 Seconds of Summer, Goldfinger, and Tevye’s solo EP post-“Fiddler on the Roof” than FS and we’re here to change that stat! Plus, the fact that “Unstoppable” isn’t played during the NBA Finals is a travesty and so our evil thoughts blame the suits! FYI: The album’s sequel “The Church Of Rock And Roll” owns too, but it wasn’t a Sire Records LP.

Harvey Danger “King James Version” (2000)

Most people who are neither sick nor well know Harvey Danger’s megahit “Flagpole Sitta,” but it’s rare to read a publication as prestigious as ours namecheck the band’s biblical LP “King James Version.” If you like your ‘90s alt rock with a nugget of New York Dolls swagger, this LP is for you, and if you don’t, what the hell are you doing here and where have all the merrymakers gone? Seattle should eternally be proud of the danger for their authenticity, loyalty buildings, underground musings of missing the point completely and 1997’s Carlotta Valdez. Most slept on this release, and that’s silly like a silly Sally as it wakes us up every Thursday morning to notify our household that street sweeping is occurring at 8 a.m. till 10 a.m.; don’t get a ticket, fools, and move that ish. It’s just the same as being in love.

Hot Hot Heat “Elevator” (2005)

No jokes – fact: The tune “Bandages” may have introduced you, me, and everyone we know to Victoria, British Columbia, Canada’s Hot Hot Heat, but “Elevator,” HHH’s major label debut and first of two LPs for Sire Records, is just so much better as a whole, and even people in the middle of nowhere wholeheartedly agree unless they don’t. Hot Hot Heat formed in 1999 and over the course of the next seventeen years released five consistently awesome full-lengths but none as solid as “Elevator”; Steven Tyler would be proud even without the love and the hairspray. You are my only girl but you’re not my only is a thing of the past and “Elevator” is as well, but it’s also for the children and the future.

Less Than Jake “In With The Out Crowd”

There was a time during the aughts when ska bands legally had to put down their horns or they’d face the wrath of the general public/private investors and few did it as well as Less Than Jake did it on “In With The Out Crowd”. Sadly, most LTJ super fans and regular pedestrians did not agree… We are here to change that, as “In With The Out Crowd” could never be an overrated LP to anyone anywhere anytime! Unless Less Than Jake was granted permission to be released from their contract, this album, the band’s second of two major label releases for Sire, is likely what got the band dropped. Fun fact: The band released their two crowd favorite LPs, “Losing Streak” and “Hello Rockview” via Capitol Records the century prior, so like Jimmy Eat World, Capitol had ‘em in the ‘90s, and another conglomerate did in the ‘00s.

The Spill Canvas “No Really, I’m Fine” (2007)

Maybe the most successful release here, Sioux Falls, South Dakota’s The Spill Canvas’ best LP “No Really, I’m Fine” did well whilst maintaining permanent underrated status. Appearing on the Billboard 200 is a badass stat for any band, but we still are saddened that “No Really, I’m Fine” debuted at a paltry meh 143 on said chart, and left quickly after. Still, the band likely plays several songs from this record at every show. Mainstream non-scene acts like Switchfoot and Goo Goo Dolls took TSC on tour a few years after this dropped, and if that doesn’t dare you to move with Iris, we don’t know what will! Dig into the band’s catalog for all of the feels, including curling yourself into a ball in the corner of your bedroom, and attempt to smile (for them).

The Von Bondies “Pawn Shoppe Heart” (2004)

Jack White’s wrath… That’s the tweet!

As the Owner of Your Small Town’s Only Pizza Place, I Pride Myself On Making the Shittiest Pizza Possible

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

In a world full of gourmet options and high culinary standards, I, Tony DeMarco of Tony’s Pizzeria in the middle of nowhere Indiana, take great pride in offering something completely underwhelming. As the owner of the only pizza place in our quaint little town, I have made it my mission to serve up the worst pizza you’ve ever had. Some might call it a lack of ambition, others call it laziness, but I call it a commitment to mediocrity. I don’t even care that I have only a single star on Google, because I’m the only result and all the shit suckers in this town will just have to deal with it.

Let’s face it, not every town needs a wood-fired, hand-tossed, organic, artisanal pizza joint. What our town needs is something reliable, predictable, and entirely forgettable. That’s where my pizza comes in. My crusts are a perfect homage to cardboard, and my sauce is a masterpiece of metallic tomatoes and excessive salt that leaves your mouth feeling like you licked a car battery while scuba diving in the ocean. Toppings? Who needs fresh ingredients when you’ve got a freezer full of questionable meats and rubbery vegetables?

Some may wonder how I can stay in business with such a disdain for quality. The answer is simple: I’m the only game in town. When you have a monopoly, you can afford to be terrible. My secret sauce isn’t just the watery tomato paste I slather on my pies; it’s the fact that my customers have no other choice. You can’t get this kind of culinary tyranny just anywhere, you know. What are you going to do? Make your own pizza at home?! Tell that to the rusted outdoor pizza oven you got three years ago and only used once.

I see the look of resignation on the faces of my patrons as they bite into a slice of my cold, soggy, greasy pizza. It’s a look that says, “I wish I could eat somewhere else, but Tony’s is all we’ve got.” And there’s a certain joy in that for me. I am your culinary dictator and you suffer under my undercooked wrath. You may not love my pizza, but you need it: sleepovers, office parties, too tired to cook… I am your only option and I get off on knowing that, also I’m going to start closing at 4 p.m. from now on, and I won’t be open for lunch either.

In a world obsessed with excellence and high standards, I find solace in my corner of culinary crap. So, to all the foodies and critics out there, I say this: come to Tony’s Pizzeria and experience the joy of having no expectations met. It’s not just a meal; it’s a reminder that sometimes, in the grand tapestry of life, you are going to have to settle for less.

Bon appétit, or whatever.

Texas to Celebrate 25th Anniversary of “The Green Mile” by Executing 25 Innocent People

Posted on by Drew Gigis

AUSTIN, Texas — Government officials in Texas announced their state will pay homage to the iconic film “The Green Mile” on the 25th anniversary of its release by executing 25 completely innocent people, deranged sources confirmed.

“Texas has a rich history of putting innocent people to death, 16 that have been proven in court, and a few of those innocent people weren’t even mentally competent enough to understand what was happening. We are proud of that,” commented Texas Governor Greg Abbott. “We’ve had many citizens contact our office asking why it’s been so long since an innocent person has been murdered by the state. Unfortunately, blaming left-wing communists isn’t cutting it anymore. That’s why we are holding this event, to honor one of the greatest films ever created and satisfy the bloodlust of our insane communities.”

Although there have been some mixed reviews on the ceremony, the response has been mostly positive especially from convicted serial killer Richard Katowski, also known as, “The Giggling Grandma of Galveston.”

“Ah yeah, the nickname tends to confuse people. I used to dress up as an old woman to give people a false sense of security and then I’d tell them jokes the whole time I was torturing them. I’m a big ‘Mrs. Doubtfire’ fan,” explained Katowski without blinking. “I’m excited for the celebration, any time an innocent person is killed I get rock hard, I’m talking forged steel, you could use this thing as an anvil if you wanted. Plus, I was scheduled to die next month but it got delayed because they needed all the pentobarbital for the fest, and since I’m guilty as hell so I’m ineligible for it.”

The celebration will be kicked off by “Green Mile” actor Tom Hanks who seemed to not understand what was happening.

“I’m honored to open the ceremony. I am enormously proud to have been a part of that film that has such a great legacy here in Texas,” said Hanks. “People think I’m such a nice guy, but I enjoy watching the life drain out of a person’s eyes as much as the next guy. I can’t wait to see the electric chair in real life, I want to be the person who pushes the buttons that inject the deadly cocktail into the veins of an innocent person while their mother cries behind soundproof glass. It’s why I got into acting.

At press time, Governor Abbott remarked that while Texas is elated for the celebration, it pales in comparison to what they have planned for the anniversary of “American History X.”

Why Am I Saving for Retirement When There’s All This Badass Grave Digger Merch Here Right Now?

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

I used to set aside fifteen percent of my paycheck for IRAs, savings accounts, and other get-rich-slow schemes. But why am I saving money for my life in the future when I should be spending money on important things, like incredibly sick Grave Digger gear that would make me the envy of everyone in my mandatory anger management meetings?

Besides getting spanked by Mrs. Claus, early retirement was my second wettest dream, but my golden years are too far away. Fuck it. I don’t care if I die early, as long as I’m buried in a Gold Digger-branded coffin that gets crushed by my favorite monster truck in front of my entire family. You can’t put a price on that. It’s a much better use for the money I was saving to buy a condo in Florida. The beaches are full of sharks and perverts, anyway.

I’m willing to work overtime until I’m 76 as long as I get to wear this officially licensed Monster Jam driving jacket to the office every day. I think I’m gonna blow it out and get the driving gloves, too. My 2013 Honda Accord has low mileage and top-of-the-line safety features, but there’s a mini-Digger yearning to be more than a fiscally responsible beige flag.

And with the power of my new monster truck merchandise, I will fill my suburban streets with badass wheelies synchronized to George Thorogood. Right now, I have no idea how to do that, but as soon as I figure out how to turn a four-door sedan with years worth of scentless pine tree air fresheners into an unholy visage that defiles Judeo-Christian sensibilities, I’ll learn how to do some badass wheelies. I’ll find another George Thorogood song, too because “Bad To the Bone” is Grave Digger’s thing and I don’t want to cross my hero.

The best part about this authentic driving helmet with built-in goggles that I’m also gonna buy is that there were only 650,000 of these made. In ten years, it’ll be a collector’s item! I’m pretty sure I’m also gonna get a year’s supply of this multi-ply Monster Jam toilet paper because it’s a shockingly good deal for bathroom supplies being sold next to an escalator in an NFL stadium. If they sold dick supplies and vegetables, I’d never shop at Hims or the grocery store again!

For all I know, I could die tomorrow, and I’m not willing to live another day without the greatest collection of Grave Digger merchandise imaginable. From now on, I’m scaling down retirement savings and scaling up Monster Energy Drink consumption and die-cast remote-controlled Grave Diggers. I’ll kiss being a young snowbird goodbye because I’ll never live long enough to care.

Firefighter Won’t Leave Firetruck to Battle Inferno Until Song Ends

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MILWAUKEE — Local firefighters are struggling to reign in an out-of-control five-alarm warehouse blaze, partially due to equipment operator Eddie Daniels refusing to leave the truck until his favorite song ends, onlookers have reported.

“First of all, this warehouse is old and ugly so I don’t know why everyone is getting so upset. And secondly, this is Metallica’s ‘One’ we’re talking about and there’s no way I’m leaving the truck this early in the song,” said Daniels. “The crew can bang on the door all they want, I’m not putting on my oxygen tank until the ‘darkness imprisoning me’ part. Plus the flames are really making the lyrics land ten times harder. They know damn well this is my ritual, so find someone else to hook up the hose.”

Daniels’ crew captain was quickly running out of patience as the fire began to spread.

“In the name of all that is holy, this fire is going to engulf a whole city block unless we get it under control and this idiot is headbanging in the cab until he’s ‘in the zone’ or whatever. If his love of radio-friendly metal matched his passion for doing his goddamn job he’d be my boss by now,” said Cpt. Bill McCullough. “I should’ve known he was going to be on his bullshit when the music was louder than the sirens on route to the scene. By the time the song ends, half the neighborhood is going to be cinders.”

911 dispatches noted that many emergencies are exacerbated by distracted first responders.

“Metalheads and jam band lovers are the last responders that I want on scene mostly because they’re more concerned with getting pumped up to handle the situation than actually doing something. Half the time I’m switching back and forth between trying to calm down the caller and convincing cops on scene to wrap up their Pantera karaoke,” said dispatcher Katie White. “Just last week a school bus was teetering over the edge of the Sixth Street Bridge and those kids were barely saved in time because the whole fire rescue team were locked into King Gizzard’s ‘Nonagon Infinity’ on repeat. They don’t pay me enough to deal with this shit.”

As of press time, six people had died by the time Daniels finally exited the firetruck only to start using the hose to play air guitar until the song ended.

25 Extreme Sports Ranked by How Naturally Proficient Teen Wolf Would Be At Them

Posted on by James Knapp

Okay, so let’s address this right at the start, we couldn’t decide which Teen Wolf to use for this list. We thought about using the classic 1985 movie Teen Wolf to appease our rapidly growing geriatric fanbase. But then we also considered using the new hot guy Teen Wolf because, we mean, just look at him, he’s gorgeous. We even considered using the one from the old Teen Wolf cartoon because we’re sure there are a few wild cards out there who were gonna send us more letter bombs if we didn’t acknowledge it. So here’s what we settled on: we will give you our list using an amorphous combination of teen and wolf properties mixed into a single Teen Wolf vessel and you just slap whatever face over that that you want. Whichever wolf boy makes you happiest, just go for it. We believe in you.

25. Cave Diving

Yes, wolves tend to live in caves, but that’s just for protection from the outside world. Wolves like wide open spaces, roaming freely and majestically around the open forest is sort of their whole thing. Combine that with a teenager’s natural resistance to following careful instruction and their innate jumpiness in uncomfortable or claustrophobic situations and we can be pretty confident that this scenario only ends with Teen Wolf dead in a subaquatic cavern somewhere.

24. Ice Climbing

This one may initially be surprising as both wolves and teens generally appear to do quite well on ice in the wild. The key here being that this is vertical ice – big difference to Teen Wolf. Even though it does technically have opposable thumbs, there are way too complex of tools being used on this sport.

23. White Water Rafting

The only advantage that Teen Wolf has when it comes to white water rafting is that this is where every suburban teens dad made their family go for vacation one year and it’s the one vacation that all of those families still refuse to mention in polite conversation. At least in that instance he’ll have some prior experience.

22. Pole Vaulting

Okay, look, we could only really name like a dozen or so X-Games sports off the top of our head, so we grabbed a whole bunch more off some list we found on line – and pole vaulting is one of the things that was on that list. Yeah, we don’t get it either. But we do trust that Teen Wolf would suck eggs at it. I mean have you ever met anyone that pole vaulted?

21. Zorbing

Zorbing actually looks pretty fun, but in the context of this list it sort of seems like animal cruelty. Imagine putting a labrador retriever in a big, semi-transparent ball and then tossing it over the edge of a gorge – not a good look. Teen Wolf is only part wolf, but we think it’s enough to still piss off PETA.

20. Highlining

Highlining is basically slacklining except in at an altitude that if you fuck up you die. Teen Wolf certainly has expert balance but, frankly, we don’t understand how any creature is accomplished at this obvious death wish of a hobby.

19. Base Jumping

Teen Wolf may be fearless and a daredevil, but somehow we just don’t buy him being able to properly fold and pack a parachute in working order.

18. BMX

There are a fewschools of BMX, there are the dirt tracks where people race in full gear, there is dirt jumping, half pipe, even street BMX. Unfortunately Teen Wolf sucks at them all, his weight distribution is all weird and for some reason he’s really afraid of knocking all his teeth out on his handlebars.

17. Wingsuit

Similar to base jumping, but with the added element of having a kickass bat-gliding costume to tool around the skies in. This means our Teen Wolf will be able to at least be able to do some sick aerial moves before realizing his reserve chute is tangled in a mass of unkempt back fur.

16. Fight Club

This one really should be higher. Like, a werewolf would obviously dominate any fight club anywhere. But a Teen Wolf is actually kind of a pacifist wuss. So we’re giving this one a middle of the road position for natural ability, but we guess not for natural spirit.

15. Free Climbing

What even is this sport besides just being in nature and going up? Yeah, Teen Wolf would be fine at that. Like, almost anyone would be fine at that.

14. Jet Skiing

It seems like whenever we picture Teen Wolf in our heads the soundtrack to a ’90s N64 jet ski video game starts playing automatically. So at the very least this sport is definitely the right aesthetic for our guy here.

13. Snowboarding

The hardest part of this one is getting those wolf paws to properly strap into the goddamn board. Have you ever tried dealing with those fuckass boots that are supposed to lock into it? Never fucking work right.

12. Mountain Luge

The mountain luge is well within Teen Wolf’s natural ability. However, it would be his inability to not go “WEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” while coasting down a mountainside, thus eradicating his outer cool demeanor, that places this one in the middle of this list.

11. Bungee Jumping

Once again, it’s just jumping off a thing and not dying. Anyone can do this, wolves of any age notwithstanding.

10. Surfing

We spent a frankly embarrassingly long time going down a Google rabbit hole for the phrase “werewolf beach party movie” and we just want to say that this is a genre that has apparently been sorely neglected. Anyways, Teen Wolf can surf on top of a van, we’re pretty sure he’ll kill it on some gnarly waves as well.

9. Zip Lining

Don’t try to act like this isn’t another one of the ones we found on some “extreme sports” list online and just kind of went “yeah, that’ll work.” Really you should be more intrigued as to why we decided to rank it this high. We’re actually not gonna tell you – you do your own Teen Wolf critical thinking on this one.

8. Motocross

He’s got the speed and he’s got the reflexes. The only flaw for motocross is that Teen Wolf would constantly be stopping his bike to roll his back around on some neat dirt clods he found. You might be saying “Wait, if he’s good at this how can he suck at BMX?” Simple, he doesn’t have to pedal a dirtbike.

7. Parkour

Parkour seems to be more about looking good in TikTok videos than it does much actual physical acumen. Still though, Teen Wolf was in that one school play – so we know he can act in front of an audience.

6. Rollerblading

You might not know this, but Teen Wolf was actually a very good rollerblader as a preteen. Unfortunately he grew up in a time rollerblading was seen as “uncool” and kept this secret talent under wraps. But lately he’s busted out his old pair of Roces and took out his old collection of “Daily Bread” magazine from his attic.

5. Water Skiing

We’re sure Air Bud already did this in one of the sequels. Lame, but at least we have precedent.

4. Tough Mudder Obstacle Course

So, it’s basically the Westminster Dog Show obstacle course if they built it in a swamp? As long as he gets a “good job” treat at the end (which for a Teen Wolf we’re guessing is an entire Little Caesars pizza covered in man-blood) he’ll have no issue with getting down in the mud.

3. Skateboarding

Teen Wolf has always taken to skateboarding, he’s been doing it for a long time but still gets frustrated by the fact he can’t do nollie flips, but here’s the thing, he has great nollie tre flips. If you see Teen Wolf doing some flatground skating you best just keep walking, he might get pissed off and tear you to shreds.

2. ATV Off-Roading

Same thing as motocross for this one, but we figured a natural quadruped would do better on four wheels than two. Plus, the “all-terrain” aspect gets some tough mudder in here as well. Man, he would crush this.

1. Jetboarding

If there’s one thing we all know about Teen Wolf it’s that he is the most radical dude there ever was. And jetboarding is by far the most radical extreme sport there is. Just the name on its own, “jetboarding,” sounds like every other extreme sport combined into one. It takes balance, speed, coordination, not being afraid of smelling like a dog, and most likely wicked cool Ray Ban sunglasses. These are all classic examples of Teen Wolf charm. Finally we find what the wolf would be best at.

Closeted Republican Politicians Breathe Sigh of Relief as X Makes Likes Private

Posted on by Eric Schwartz

WASHINGTON — Closeted Republican politicians across the country breathed a collective sigh of relief following Elon Musk’s announcement that likes on X will no longer be public, multiple sources reported.

“This is a huge win for privacy rights,” said Senator Lindsey Graham, unconvincingly. “With this decision, Elon Musk is showing the world that the posts people like in the privacy of their own home is no one’s business. Personally, this change doesn’t affect me at all. I’ll just continue liking posts about war and such. I hope this decision inspires other tech leaders to follow suit with similar policies, like making sure that private browsing searches can never be uncovered.”

Meanwhile, other notable members of the GOP expressed trepidation with Musk’s decision.

“While I understand the privacy concerns, I’m worried that Mr. Musk hasn’t considered some of the negative effects that come with hiding likes,” said House Speaker Mike Johnson. “For instance, monitoring my 18-year-old son’s porn habits will be considerably more difficult now. I used to be able to simply look in his likes to see if he so much enjoyed a photo of a woman’s uncovered shoulders, but now I’ll have to continue to use the deeply creepy app I’ve installed on both our phones to do so.”

The tech billionaire and X CEO explained his rationale for the change, noting how it will help maintain the privacy of his allies in elected positions and protect them from attacks on their character.

“When it comes down to it, no one needs to see the images and videos that our elected officials are liking on their personal and professional accounts,” said Musk. “This policy will help our politicians keep their private lives private and protect them from defamatory attacks by the ‘tolerant’ left about their kinks and fetishes. It should also be noted that this change has nothing to do with those hentai photos I accidentally liked. It’s crazy that anyone would even suggest that.”

As of press time, Senator Tim Scott commented that he can “like even more of the posts that turn me on, like photos of women and boobs.”