Opinion: I Don’t Care What We Name the Band, Just as Long as It Takes 6 Months of Arguing

Posted on by Dan Rice

I want you all to ignore any association you have and just focus on these names in and of themselves: Is Weezer a cool name? How about The Replacements? If you had no idea who The Mountain Goats were and saw they were coming to town would you think “Well I have to check that band out because they’re called “The Mountain Goats!” No, of course not. My point is a band’s name is only as good as a band’s music. It doesn’t matter what we call ourselves, just as long as whatever we land on takes months of arguing, truly alienating frustration, and the genuine dissolution of friendships.

Let’s fucking go, let’s spitball! Come on people, there are no bad ideas. The Horsecats? Dumb. Blood Party? Too metal. Slowball? Sounds vaguely similar to an obscure 1800’s racial slur, pass. This is great though, keep em coming everybody, just 6-8 more months to go and I think we’ll really have something that works.

Let me be clear, this is it for me. I’m in it for the sheer unadulterated frustration of arguing over something that is ultimately trivial for as long as possible. You think I LIKE playing drums? Fuck no. I spent a decade mastering this stupid instrument as a means to get me HERE. For me, playing music is just the cost of doing business. Let’s talk NAMES baby, and as far as I’m concerned, let’s never stop.

Oh, you wanna go with something simple that incorporates all of our last names? Think you’ve found a quick, democratic way out of all this eh? Well, lemme ask ya this: Whose name comes first? Who’s last? Come to think of it, which is better, first or last? And does that make the middle the worst? How about we argue about THAT endlessly, then abandon the last names idea, then circle BACK to it when other name debates get too heated and start the whole thing over again? This isn’t my first rodeo kid. Ain’t gonna be no shortcuts.

Oh, a whiteboard! To write all of our ideas down, great idea! Yeah that will really speed things along. I’ll start us off, Mannequin Pussy. Yeah I know it’s already a band, it’s a great band, that’s why I think we should also use that name. Well, we can spell it different. I don’t care if you disagree, it’s a brainstorm, write it down. There we go, “Mannequin Pussy,” nice handwriting by the way. We’re off to a great start. Now, who wants to order takeout and get drunk?

Solution to All of Man’s Problems Can Be Solved With Non-Running 1985 Ford F150 Long Bed He Found on Facebook Marketplace for $800

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

PITTSBURGH — Local man Greg Walters reportedly found the answer to all of life’s problems and challenges in the form of a non-running 1985 Ford F150 Long Bed he impulsively purchased on Facebook Marketplace for $800, bewildered friends confirm.

“This truck is going to change everything. It’s not just a truck; it’s a lifestyle, a project that will give my life purpose,” Walters declared while standing in his driveway next to the rusted-out shell of what used to be a vehicle. “I have always felt this existential emptiness in my chest and this baby here is exactly what I need to fill it. This baby boasts an impressive 80,000 miles on the odometer—but that’s probably rolled over once or twice. Sure, a few of the engine pistons are locked up, there is no fuel going to the carburetor, and when I try to turn on the lights they spark and almost start a fire—but that’s why I got it, to put my whole self into something that needs saving.”

Friends report that Walters asked them to help him spend the afternoon carefully inspecting the truck’s body and listing everything that needs work.

“For a guy that knows nothing about cars [Walters] is in way over his head. The passenger side door barely hangs on its hinges, and the rear bumper is held on by what appears to be zip ties. The brakes are completely seized, and the floor of the cab is completely rusted through,” Walters’ friend and mechanic Amy Zariah said. “I have a feeling this is just going to end up as one of [Walters] long abandoned projects. Like when he decided to become a sneakerhead and spent $1,200 on a single pair of shoes.”

Dr. Angela Marino, an expert in consumer psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, weighed in on the situation.

“There’s a phenomenon where, as people age and can’t find fulfillment in their social life or career, they sink their time and money into, shall we say, lost causes. It’s a classic example of trying to reclaim a sense of purpose through a task that’s almost guaranteed to be more frustrating than rewarding,” Dr. Marino explained. “In Walters’ case, he appears to be seeking fulfillment in a project that will likely require extensive talent and resources, neither of which he has in abundance.”

As of the latest reports, Walters has yet to work on the truck whatsoever, but has instead gotten into woodworking after seeing a TikTok about refurbishing mid-century modern furniture.

Taking the High Road: It’s Been 30 Years Since Insane Clown Posse Released “Santa’s a Fat Bitch” and I’ve Yet to Hear a Response Diss Track

Posted on by Steve Packosky

These days, it seems like division is ingrained into the very fabric of our society. Whether it’s politics, religion, or even sports fandom, the possibility for otherwise civil discourse to become heated is higher than ever. Even music isn’t immune to this ever-present tension, and as a huge hip-hop fan, I find myself disheartened at the constant back-and-forth between my favorite artists. Drake and Kendrick Lamar. Eminem and Machine Gun Kelly. Gucci Mane and Young Jeezy. Some days I feel like I can’t turn my head without learning of a new beef, and the insults are enough for me to give up hope that we’ll ever find a collective higher ground.

There is, however, one example to the contrary that has continuously lifted my spirits for the past several decades. 30 years ago, Insane Clown Posse released the song “Santa’s a Fat Bitch,” and I have yet to hear a response diss track. Is it because Santa has been too busy spreading joy to millions of children year after year, or because he sees no need to stoop to the, quite frankly, churlish and juvenile levels reached in that unwarranted musical polemic? To me, it makes no difference. The precedent Santa is setting can be viewed as a shining beacon to which we all should aspire.

And don’t get me wrong, I haven’t always been confident that Santa would refrain from clapping back. After all, with lyrics like “I guess you couldn’t fit down my chimney shaft; you need to lose some of that fat ass,” could we possibly blame him had he done so? Yet, Christmas comes and goes every year with Santa thanklessly performing his duties; presumably uninterested in contributing to the ceaseless maelstrom of negativity to which we’ve become woefully accustomed. Bravo, Santa. Bravo!

I certainly hope both Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope regret their harsh and unnecessary words so many years ago, and are seeing Santa’s response (or lack thereof) as an opportunity to better themselves going forward. I suppose an honest apology from the two rhyming harlequins would be too much to hope for, but can you blame a guy for dreaming? For now, Santa is saying more with his silence than they ever have.

So let’s all take a page from Santa’s book and strive to converse with one another, instead of at one another. I promise you that such a simple pivot in our behavior will pay dividends for generations to come. Thanks, Santa!

Man Unsure If He’s Listening to Grateful Dead Live Recording or Just In a Guitar Center on a Saturday Afternoon

Posted on by John Danek

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local extremely confused man Kirk Unger struggled to determine if he was hearing a live recording of The Grateful Dead or just standing in the main room at Guitar Center on a busy Saturday afternoon, concerned onlookers reported.

“Look man, I’m not saying I’m on drugs right now, but I’m not NOT saying I’m on drugs either. And I cannot tell if this fantastic groove is the Dead–maybe Washington D.C., 1986?” stated Unger, seemingly unbothered by the multiple Fender Telecasters he knocked over earlier in the day. “I’m hearing multiple musicians harmonize in really avant garde ways, but I’m also hearing subtle homages to ‘Master of Puppets’ and ‘Seven Nation Army.’ Am I in a Guitar Center? Or is the main room of Guitar Center within each and every one of us? Is Jerry still alive?”

Longtime employees of the Burlington location Guitar Center seemed vexed by their own perceptions of reality.

“I cannot do this anymore. I cannot. I’m done. What even is sound? A little kid was butchering the first four notes of Stairway this morning when the Grateful Dead came on the in-store radio. Why does God hate me so much?” asked an exasperated Lisa McCollins, longtime employee in Guitar Center’s drum department. “Later, seven dads all came in to test out the most expensive Les Pauls through Marshall half-stacks. I think maybe one bought some picks. I don’t deserve this punishment. Maybe I’ve inherited sin from my family ancestors. Please, someone, bash my skull in with a Big Muff Pi pedal.”

Musicologists attempt to offer a logical, researched explanation of the appeal of the Grateful Dead’s music.

“Jerry Garcia and his bandmates perfected a form of disconnected noodling played by musicians who don’t care at all what their fellow performers are doing,” offered Dr. Thomas Yardley, professor of music composition & theory at The University of Vermont. “The Grateful Dead, and jam bands in general, create a particular form of benign chaos. Largely unlistenable to the sober ear, the music gets infinitely more pleasurable the more fucked up you get. I’m happy to draw you a graph, if you’d like a visual representation.”

As of press time, Unger was reportedly debating whether or not he was listening to Merzbow or in fact standing next to a cement mixer.

Opinion: The Fact That the Muppets Only Took Manhattan Means They’ll Never Be “Real” New Yorkers

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Ready for a geography lesson? New York City is comprised of five boroughs: the Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queens, and Staten Island, each bearing its own inscrutable mystique. However, some seem to believe that the world of New York City begins and ends in the most sanitized corners of one section. At the risk of pointing fingers, the Muppets and their apparent unwillingness to branch out beyond pockets of Manhattan means they’ll never be able to lay claim to being genuine New Yorkers.

Granted, I understand Kermit and his friends were staging a Broadway musical (not exactly my scene but I try not to judge) and thus probably wouldn’t be able to check off even half of the items on the “New York Shitty” itinerary my Uncle Tripp made in ‘81. But that doesn’t mean the opportunities weren’t there.

Like, when they meet all those rats working at the diner. I felt a wave of relief, eagerly anticipating a subsequent scene where they all go huff glue in Prospect Park and give each other stick ’n pokes. The closest it gets is a brief moment in Central Park (snore) where no one so much as lights a cigarette. Like, yeah, Miss Piggy kicks this dude’s ass, but it’s nothing compared to the time my buddy Mulch threw a Big Gulp cup full of piss through the window of a moving cop car in Far Rockaway. Or the time he found a lamp on the sidewalk and immediately smashed it over a Proud Boy’s head. God, I miss him.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Look, I get the Fozzie or Gonzo or whoever might not be quite that wild. And maybe they didn’t have time for a complete experience. But even if they were stuck in Manhattan, there’s so much more they could’ve done. Like, did no one in Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem check to see what was going down at CBGB? We could’ve had Animal experiencing the primal power of Steve DePace’s fills. Is there an extended edition that leans more in this direction? Because the studio cut is not it.

“What’s the big deal?” you might be asking. Well, if you have to ask, sadly, you’re also never going to be a real New Yorker. Now, I need to get going. I just moved into a new duplex in Hoboken and I haven’t even started unpacking.

Lucky Astronauts Still Stranded in Space During Election Year

Posted on by Matt Husser

HOUSTON — Stranded Boeing Starliner astronauts are considering themselves lucky as a delay pushed their return back to February 2025, therefore continuing to trap them in space during the election year, NASA sources confirmed.

“When you’re stranded in space, it’s hard not to lose hope—sometimes I look down at that pale blue dot and wonder if I’ll ever get home. But in my lowest moments I think to myself, ‘well at least I’m not stuck in America with those lunatics during an election year,’” said NASA astronaut Butch Wilmore, looking out the window on the International Space Station. “I know my family is worried about me, and I wish they could be up here with me safe from the campaign ads and Trump rallies. But at the end of the day, it’s an honor and a privilege to be one of the lucky few orbiting the planet as far away from MAGA weirdos as humanly possible.”

Wilmore’s family reportedly stayed strong despite the reality that their loved one would remain in space while trapped in an inhospitable hellhole during an election year.

“We’re all so proud of him, and I’m trying to stay strong for the family, but I have to admit that it’s been tough knowing that he’s blissfully isolated in the peaceful vacuum of space without us,” said Wilmore’s wife Claire, turning off a CNN exposé about J.D. Vance wiping a booger on his family dog. “Between the endless attack ads, the threats of political violence, and whatever bizarre shit RFK Jr. says every 48 hours, it’s been really difficult to explain to the kids why they’re stuck down here while their Dad is safe in a fragile metal tube traveling around the Earth at a relaxing 250 MPH.”

NASA engineers were already hard at work installing additional fail-safes to ensure that no more astronauts would be stranded in space in the event they intentionally tried to delay their returns until 2025.

“I can assure you that those of us in Mission Control are doing everything in our power to get these astronauts home as soon as possible, because frankly it’s not fair that they get to be up there while the rest of us down here have to endure another election cycle,” said NASA engineer Maggie Belmont, writing calculations on a whiteboard. “These lucky bastards are so busy trying to survive in a hostile environment that they have no idea that Mindy Kaling called Nancy Pelosi the ‘Mother of Dragons’ at the Democratic National Convention. And God forbid anything goes wrong, but at least they would burn up upon reentry without ever seeing a ‘Trumpy Trout’.”

Meanwhile competition was reportedly fiercer than ever for the first manned mission to Mars that would see astronauts hurtling through undiscovered reaches of space for the next two election cycles.

Our Next President Needs To Bring Back Family Values, By Which I Mean Korn’s Semi-Annual Family Values Tour

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

Let’s face it. This country has changed and not for the better. Inflation, never-ending wars, global warming, and overall lack of decency. We all know where these things stem from. It’s not a Republican or a Democrat issue. It’s the lack of Korn’s music and their annual Family Values Tour.

Once a year, or every other year depending on the scheduling, Korn would go from town to town like a traveling preacher reminding us Americans of the importance of Nu Metal and how it improves family dynamics. They’d bring in their friends like Deftones, Limp Bizkit, and Rammstein. My dad would drive us all there with his classic jokes like “Korn on a Bizkit!” and we’d all laugh. My mom would knit us all homemade band merch in case we got cold. My brother and sister and I would have a scavenger hunt over who could find the most dropped septum piercings in the moshpit. There wasn’t a cell phone in sight, just people shouting “South Park” quotes at each other and swapping dreadlock maintenance tips.

Then came 2008. There was no Family Values Tour planned. We didn’t pay attention at first because the tours were never consistent every year, but then 2009 came and Family Values was once again missing. Then 2010 and still no return. Clearly, the Obama administration was not interested in Family Values.

In 2013 as society was continuing to crumble, Obama tried to save us all by finally bringing back Family Values. But it wasn’t the Family Values Tour was it, Obama? It was called the “Family Values Festival” which didn’t even tour the country! It was a single-day-long event that only took place in Broomfield, Colorado. According to Obama, only the elites of Broomfield deserved Family Values while the rest of middle America was left in the dust. At least Obama threw us those breadcrumbs. Both the Trump and Biden administrations didn’t even bother to bring back Family Values.

If either Trump or Kamala truly wants to earn our votes, it’s clear what issues they stand behind, and by that I of course mean the 1999 Korn album Issues. Only then should we Follow The Leader. If Trump or Kamala don’t even get that reference, then our country is truly lost.

Construction Worker Tells Alice Cooper “You’d Be Prettier With Less Makeup On, Sweetie”

Posted on by Chris Bratton

PHOENIX — A group of local construction workers told legendary rock star Alice Cooper that he’d look prettier with less makeup as he walked by a local condo development site, confirmed sources who weren’t sure if that’s technically catcalling.

“I just wanted him to know that long locks flowing from a top hat is gorgeous, just make sure that hair don’t hide that beautiful face! Speaking of that pretty face, why so much cakey makeup? He don’t need it, he’s a stunner!” said construction worker Ben Palubinski while pretending to hammer a nail. “Black and white striped blazer with small waisted skinny jeans? My god, he’d look like a sexy little Beetlejuice if he wore less foundation. But I will also say, he would look a little bit prettier if he learned to smile more.”

Cooper, however, was seemingly a little shaken up from the incident.

“You know, I’m sick of this shit. I remember a time when a guy in head to toe leather could comfortably cross the street, and none of these knuckleheads would whistle at you just because you were holding a whip or had a live snake wrapped around your neck,” said Cooper. “Days when I am feeling a little unsure of myself sometimes I put on a codpiece with a chrome skull on it, but that’s for me. It’s like, my eyes are up here and they’re pretty hard to miss because they are absolutely covered in eyeliner. It’s my eyes, my choice.”

The interactions between anyone and an elderly rockstar can prove to be a bit tricky, according to mediator Kendall Meledosian.

“First off, don’t approach too quickly. Their long hair and multiple scarves can obstruct certain lines of sight and you certainly do not want to startle them. And don’t mention their clothing!” said Meledosian. “They have had the responsibility of looking cool while doing drugs for decades, eventually you are gonna look like a Californian Raisin wearing snakeskin boots, so spare them the dignity. Offering them hard candy is also nice, they’ve been shouting at crowds for half of a century, their throat is probably a little scratchy. Overall, just be kind and absolutely never comment on their makeup techniques, as much as you want to.”

In a shocking twist, new reports show that Cooper has been spotted recently without his signature eye makeup, stating J.D. Vance ruined it for everyone.

The Ten Most Underrated Geffen Records Albums That Still Helped Make David Geffen a Billionaire

Posted on by Scott Waldman

What you’re about to read is seemingly sponsored by nepo babies, but David Geffen wouldn’t have it any other way. Geffen Records was founded by Sir Geffen in 1980, and since then it has been affiliated with various labels including Interscope and has had a number of subsidiaries such as Drive-Thru Records and SureTone. Geffen Records has launched the debut records of powerhouses like Guns N’ Roses with their blockbuster debut LP “Appetite for Destruction,” and Olivia Rodrigo’s “Sour,” so its legacy will live on forever with nostalgia-based radio rock fans and tweens glued to Tik Tok. We attempt to list the top ten most underrated Geffen Records albums below and we already anticipate “what about band x” in the mentions. Shut up, turn on your TV set to a channel with commercials, and softly rock out to Enya on CD compilation commercials that don’t exist.

Depswa “Two Angels and a Dream” (2003)

If you aren’t an active rock enthusiast, you likely missed the boat on this band or are very, very shocked/surprised to see ‘em listed here, but we like to keep you miscreants guessing. Modesto, California is typically known for its conservative Christian populous, but Depswa, which, to save you time on Google, means “deep behind the moon” in Swahili, and deserves to be atop the things you think about when modest with an Italian accent. “Two Angels and a Dream” is the band’s debut full-length studio album and sadly their only release for Geffen Records, as, depending on who is speaking, they were dropped or requested leave. Whatever happened is between the band and a litany of attorneys, but there’s one thing for sure, it’s sad that their sophomore release came out seven years after this one, easily stifling any mainstream momentum that the band may have had.

Drop Dead, Gorgeous “The Hot N’ Heavy” (2009)

It is very, very rare to see a former Rise Records band on a major label, but for some sweaty reason or another, Suretone Records, a subsidiary of Geffen Records signed Denver, Colorado’s Drop Dead, Gorgeous, and released two far from radio-friendly chaotic albums from the band. While your neckbeard brother in your mother’s basement with a solid WiFi signal may have dug the heck out of this band then and even more so now, the global response was more warm and fit, but not too fit. The band’s third and last LP as of now, “The Hot N’ Heavy” may have debuted at 192 on The Billboard 200, but it quickly fell off, and the band broke up two years later after a seven-year stint, only to return this year for an upcoming holiday hometown reunion show between Christmas and New Year’s. They’re planning and laughing.

Elastica “Self-Titled” (1995)

Despite being huge in the United Kingdom for more than a minute, domestically Elastica just weren’t as big over in the US, and if you disagree, ask a random person on the street wearing a Nirvana t-shirt to name three songs from the band. Sadly, the band was swarmed with plagiarism accusations on this LP, and were subsequently unable to capitalize on their UK momentum anywhere outside of England and even IN England, which was proven with their next LP coming out five years after this one, a form of career suicide much like the aforementioned Depswa. Shortly after LP2, “The Menace” was released, the band started working on new material, and split up before it had the chance to finish anything.

Emmy Rossum “Inside Out” (2007)

Yes, THE Emmy Rossum was a total musical theater kid prior to becoming the badass lead actress that you love to love or hate to love on “Shameless,” and she parlayed her success in the film version of “The Phantom of the Opera,” which also featured a younger Gerard Butler two years before he became an A-List action star in “300,” to a record deal with Geffen Records. We know that we were joking about nepo babies earlier, and we will later, but Rossum, you ARE NOT a nepo baby; you earned that deal. Stylistically, if you were expecting the LP to be sonically MT, classical, or anything similar, think again, as this is a pop record, but with some off-kilter tunes. Surprisingly, the record barely debuted in the Billboard 200 at 199, and after a Xmas EP later that year, she was gone from the Geffen Records roster.

Finch “Say Hello To Sunshine” (2005)

This one is one of the more underrated post-hardcore, screamo-adjacent albums of the aughts and we will die on that hill, as close to the sun as possible. Temecula, California’s Finch released a classic by every sense of the word full-length studio album called “What It Is To Burn” via Drive-Thru Records in 2002, which was then a subsidiary of MCA Records, and when DTR’s deal moved to new label partner Geffen Records, Finch’s sophomore LP “Say Hello To Sunshine” came out three years later. You can try to argue against this, but you’re wrong, as this record is one of the most non-mainstream friendly major label releases ever. If Finch had played it safe, they could have made “What It Is To Burn” part 2, and would’ve had a longer career that paralleled The Used, but they listened to their hearts, bitemarks, bloodstains, and insomniatic meat.

The Like “Are You Thinking What I’m Thinking?” (2005)

The next two mentions are the last two “nepo baby” full-length studio albums, but The Like was special because it paralleled HBO’s “Girls” in that ALL three of the band members had a successful pedigree prior to forming, putting the band above the rest from the start: frontwoman Z Berg’s father was a former, wait for it, wait for it, GEFFEN RECORDS A&R executive, and if you know much about that line of work, they literally sign the bands and assist with their respective albums. Bassist Charlotte Froom’s father was successful record producer Mitchell Froom and drummer Tennessee Thomas’ father drummed for Elvis Costello. Still, their debut record “Are You Thinking What I’m Thinking?” would please rich fans at Coachella and rough fans at Riot Fest, and if you’re thinking what we’re thinking, you should spin their streamable music right this very minute! Once things look up, fall away.

Phantom Planet “Phantom Planet Is Missing” (1998)

A lot of people don’t know that Nicolas Cage is a member of the Hollywood dynasty family The Coppolas, but a lot of people DO know that actor/former Phantom Planet drummer/hipster icon Jason Schwartzman is, as his mom Talia Shire from “Rocky” is Francis Ford Coppola’s sister, and even she got some flak for being an early “nepo baby” in the Godfather series. Back to Schwartzman, why do so many people know about his uncheckered past? Blame the ‘net.
Anyway, Phantom Planet released just one album for Geffen Records, their debut, and it doesn’t get as much attention or fanfare as their four follow-ups, but we implore you to listen to the youthful by definition, “Phantom Planet Is Missing” if you want to hear a pre-”California” California band that had peers in Kara’s Flowers, another band that didn’t take off until they did.

Snot “Get Some” (1997)

And now for something a bit different Santa Barbara, California’s Snot’s debut full-length studio LP “Get Some” was heavy and you were probably introduced to it by your best friend in middle school with the older brother who smoked weed all the time. The record totally primed the band for a huge follow-up sophomore LP a la what System of a Down’s “Toxicity” was to their debut self-titled road warrior record, but sadly, the band’s enigmatic vocalist and frontman Lynn Strait and the iconic dog that adorned this album cover were both killed in tragic car accident just one year after this funky nu-metal record infected one head at a time in small venues and on huge Ozzfest stages. Over the course of nearly an hour, Snot rips through song after song that aggressively punches you in the gut and leaves each listener yearning for more.

Sound the Alarm “Stay Inside” (2007)

Brian Chiusano is one of the more underrated guitarists from the scene and beyond, and he has the dental and contradictory Diddy Riese pedigrees to prove it! To quote WWE icon and Olympic gold medalist, Kurt Angle, “It’s true! It’s true!” If you wanted Switchfoot to be more “Warped Tour” and less “Christian,” well do we have the album for you: Sound the Alarm’s full-length debut studio record “Stay Inside.” Lore states that the terrible music video for “Suffocating” is what did this band in, and while we won’t provide a counterargument, we still don’t get why the band didn’t rise to the heights of larger acts in a similar vein like Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Mayday Parade, and The Starting Line. Picture perfect? Not really. The cream doesn’t always rise to the top, but it does form cavities. Yeah.

that dog. “Retreat from the Sun” (1997)

Rachel freaking Haden. Enough said.

Jack White Demands Trump Stop Using His Songs By Sending Campaign Cease and Desist Letter on 7”

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Jack White issued a strongly worded cease and desist letter on a one-of-a-kind 7” forbidding the Republican candidate from using his songs at campaign events, sources close to Trump confirmed.

“I couldn’t just stand and let these bigoted fascists use my songs to push their racist agenda,” said White while applying a thick layer of SPF 400 sunscreen. “I called up a few of my lawyer buddies and they brought their guitars to my studio so we could jam out and write a cease and desist letter that would rock Trump’s diaper right off his ass. I pressed it myself right here at the Third Man The plant, hand numbered it, and signed it. The B-side is three minutes of me talking about how Kid Rock is a fraud who isn’t even from Detroit. If Trump tries to flip this record on eBay for profit then he can expect a double LP in his mailbox outlining a litany of other lawsuits.”

Members of the Trump campaign found it difficult to extract any information from the record.

“We were setting up our latest rally in the great state of Pennsylvania when a guy who looks like he fought in the Civil War rode up on a horse and presented us with the package from Mr. White,” said Trump’s Deputy Director of Communications Margo Martin. “The cover art was a crudely drawn middle finger, but we had no way of playing it. I grabbed a couple of other staffers and we went to the public library to see if they had a record player we could use. Being surrounded by all those books made me sick, and I can’t wait for President Trump to take office again and do away with libraries once and for all.”

Music historian Liza Binder noted that White is just the latest in a litany of artists forbidding Trump from using their songs.

“You know things are bad for your campaign when even Nickelback doesn’t want you using their songs. If I were to list all the artists that have expressly forbid Trump from using their work then we would be here for hours, if not days,” said Binder. “At this point Trump is still legally allowed to use songs from Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and the White Knights, which was a band David Duke played guitar in for a few years before he became the Grand Wizard of the Klan. Other than that I’m not sure any other music is permitted.”

At press time, former president Trump was under fire once again for using Black Flag’s “White Minority” over footage of migrants crossing the border.