Straight Edge Dad Makes Son Sit Through Entire Phish Concert After Catching Him with Weed

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

MINNEAPOLIS — Mike Curry, a local father and devoted straight-edge punk, resorted to unconventional means after discovering his son had been using marijuana, horrified sources report.

“I was disgusted,” said Curry. “Jesse came home, and it was clear he was not of sound mind. I could smell the jazz cigarettes all over him. I did what any reasonable edge father would do and conducted a full search and found the evidence. As someone who follows a lifestyle free from drugs and alcohol, I knew I had to teach him a lesson. So, I ordered a webcast of that night’s Phish concert, and forced him to sit through the entire thing. If he thinks smoking weed is all fun and games, he’ll learn the hard way that there’s a price to pay.”

However, the teen struggled to find the meaning in his father’s punishment.

“For a group of guys who look my grandpa’s age, they could really play,” the younger Curry admitted. “I didn’t understand how my dad thought this was such a bad punishment. After a little over an hour, they had left the stage, and I figured I did my time. But then, my dad started maniacally laughing and said, ‘Where are you going? This show’s not over… it’s only the set-break! It’s not even halfway over!’ I was stunned. I watched in awe as two hours later, the crowd was dancing like they were at a rave during a song that sounded like it would be played on a Christian rock station. After the show, my dad started to lecture me about how I would wind up just like that crowd if I kept smoking. Honestly, I still didn’t understand what he meant, but I told him I learned my lesson just to finally shut him up.”

Dr. Natasha Rosa, a parental discipline expert, weighed in on the unconventional punishment.

“Parents need to strike a balance when it comes to punishments. While it’s important to address the issue of drug use seriously, the punishment should also fit the crime and promote understanding,” said Dr. Rosa. “In this case, forcing a teenager to sit through an entire Phish concert, including an interlude where a 60-year-old man in a donut-covered mumu sucks on a vacuum cleaner, might be seen as cruel and unusual punishment. The goal should be to educate and guide, not to create lifelong trauma.”

At press time, it was reported that Jesse was planning to attend the nearest Phish concert to attempt to obtain higher-quality weed and try nitrous.

Where Are They Now: The Drummer From Nirvana?

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Ah, the ’90s—flannel shirts, grunge music, and the unmistakable voice of Kurt Cobain. But while the world has never quite let go of Nirvana’s frontman, one question has haunted music fans for decades: whatever happened to their drummer? You know, the tall-ish guy with the long hair and a goofy smile. Dave Growl or something? Oh right, Grohl, Dave Grohl. Whatever happened to that guy?

After Cobain’s tragic demise, Grohl seemed to vanish like a ghost into the Seattle fog. Rumors spread like wildfire, each more bizarre than the last. Some say he retreated to the remote forests of Washington, living off the land and occasionally recording drum solos on logs with a pair of sticks he carved himself. Others claim he joined a cult of grunge purists who believe that the genre should have ended with Mother Love Bone, spending his days meditating in front of a poster of Andrew Wood, waiting for the second coming.

Now, as one source divulged, Grohl participated in an Ayahuasca ritual and now exists in a parallel dimension. He is only allowed to visit our realm when the moon is full and a vinyl recording of Billy Higgins is played backwards. It’s said that those who encounter Grohl’s rare corporeal form are filled with a joy so powerful it reverberates through time and space. Of course, no one has ever been able to prove this, but the legend lives on in whispers among those who believe in the more avant-garde side of grunge.

For years, theories simmered, feeding the flames of speculation. Like his Pacific Northwest cousin the Sasquatch, Grohl sightings became the stuff of urban legend—he was seen in the background of a grainy photograph in a Zambian village, or hitchhiking on The Great Wall of China. One of the more pervasive theories is that, after Cobain’s death Grohl retired to Thailand to teach English and clear his head; it was there that he fell in love, got married, and started a family. If that is true, I wish him well.

Yet, just when it seemed the mystery would never be solved, word has it that Grohl has emerged from his self-imposed exile. He’s rumored to have formed a new band—something with guitars and drums, the usual stuff. Those in the know state that Grohl has come out from behind the drum kit as the frontman for the band. Yeah right, I’ll believe that when I see it!

While the name of the band remains unknown, sources say the sound is “pretty good.”

Man’s Phone Has Better Insurance Than Him

Posted on by Rob Ryder

WASHINGTON. — Local 32-year-old Seth Kepling informed friends Friday night that his iPhone 13, which is covered by an AppleCare plan, actually has better insurance than he receives through his job at Manny’s Juice Bar.

“It all started with a cracked screen on my phone. I was ready trash it because that fucking iPhone 13 is so damn old, its a real piece of shit. But my buddy Jay said I should go down to the Apple Store and see if they could take care of it,” said Kepling while smacking his phone on a table to get the WiFi to connect. “I thought I was wasting my time, but they checked my account and sure enough, I had been paying for AppleCare for like 3 years and didn’t even know. I had no fucking idea all the stuff this covers, there’s literally nothing I could do to this phone that they wouldn’t fix. And yet here I am still paying off debt from an ambulance ride to the emergency room from a decade ago. I hate this country.”

Apple Genius Bar Tech Ed Capland believes that Kepling is correct in his assessment.

“He’s got a point, I’ve seen so many phones that are savagely beaten by their owners. Shattered screens, broken speakers, leaking batteries. I know I can fix them all, I’m a fucking miracle worker on these things,” said Capland. “But this guy Seth starting talking about how his phone literally had better insurance than him like, as a person, and I gotta say, that messed me up a bit. I guess my miraculous healing hands just don’t work on shattered tailbones.”

Health care expert and benefits counselor at Aetna of Greater Washington Sheila Armstrong thinks the comparison is a little over the top.

“I mean, come on, comparing a phone to a person? No one, and I mean no one, can put a price on a human life,” said Armstrong, while simultaneously typing up a benefits denial to a 37-year old cancer patient. “But a brand new 1TB iPhone 15 Pro Max is like $1600, so you wouldn’t want to skimp on coverage there. When combined with an Otterbox case and a techguard screen cover, you literally have the best protection plan you can buy. Having a phone for a few years that’s bulletproof, as opposed to the body you’ll have for, well, life, is so worth it.”

At press time Kepling was inquiring about getting an AppleCare plan and an protective casing to cover himself.

Cop Worried Illegal Immigrants Eating Neighborhood Dogs He Planned on Shooting

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LIVINGSTON, Tenn. — Local police officer Brad Jenkins vocally expressed concern that illegal immigrants were in town eating all of the neighborhood dogs he was already planning on shooting, concerned residents confirmed.

“I knew these illegals were up to no good! Taking our jobs wasn’t enough, now they’re killing and eating pets? What the hell am I supposed to do if I can’t walk onto someone’s property unannounced and shoot whatever dog gives me the side eye, all because Biden let in foreigners who turned that dog into a stew!” said Jenkins. “Trump wouldn’t have said those things during the debate if it weren’t true. I’m fully ready to protect my community from foreign invaders and protect myself from beloved domesticated animals. They need to learn I’m not a threat, and the only way to do that is by firing at them indiscriminately.”

The Livingston Mayor’s office spent much of the morning attempting to quell Jenkins’ panic over the rumors.

“We’ve begged Officer Jenkins to stand down as the reports of pets being eaten are completely false. But since last night’s presidential debate he’s had his riot gear on and continues to interrogate any person of color on the street about their dietary habits and their favorite dog breeds. If we don’t rein him in we’re looking at multiple class action lawsuits,” said mayoral aide Ellis Carver. “Now he’s taking pot shots at animals from his squad car in an attempt to, as he put it, ‘scare them back inside but also let them know who’s boss’. It’ll cost us the election but it would be easier to dismantle the police force at this rate.”

The town’s neighborhood watch members have been on high alert since Officer Jenkins began his crusade.

“Believe us when we say that Officer Jenkins’ heart is in the right place, but he needs to focus on the real problems plaguing this town like the guy Paulo from down the street, I think he might be Mexican, but he also might be Italian. Either way, he threw a candy bar wrapper on the ground one time. And if that guy is allowed to destroy our town then how am I supposed to feel safe driving after I’ve had a few beers? And I don’t know what would happen if he littered near the tire fire in my front yard,” said Connor O’Hara. “I know Officer Jenkins is on this crusade to stop these foreign dog eaters, but we’ve asked him to look into Old Man Wallace’s place multiple times because any animal be it dog, cat, or squirrel that wanders onto his property are never seen again. And he’s local!”

As of press time, Jenkins was placed on indefinite desk duty after shooting a sleeping dog because he saw its owner firing up their grill.

Ranked: Every MCU Hero’s Excuse for Not Preventing 9/11

Posted on by Dan Rice

The Avengers: Earth’s mightiest heroes, super-powered beings dedicated to using their extraordinary gifts to protect the Earth. And on September 11th, 2001, they were curiously absent.

With so many heroes in the MCU it is truly perplexing that not one of them attempted to prevent the events of that fatefull day or even lend a hand in the aftermath, especially considering the fact that they have access to time travel. We decided to go straight to the source and ask them all point blank “What the hell?” Here is every excuse they provided ranked from best to worst:

23. Thor

“I know not of this 9/11 you speak, but from today henceforth I solemnly vow that I shall know no rest until I have found it and made it taste the full might of my hammer! Can you describe the beast?”

22. Hulk

Hulk’s alter ego Bruce Banner provided an understandable reason for not stopping one of the greatest tragedies on American soil.

“Hulk is basically a giant walking 9/11. If I let the green guy stop those planes that day, he probably would have celebrated by destroying the Twin Towers himself, maybe some other buildings too. I’ve learned to keep that guy as far away from 9/11s as possible.”

21. The Marvels

“If they let the only all-girl team stop 9/11 the internet manosphere would fucking riot.”

20. Ant-Man and Wasp

“Best we could have done was make 9/11 smaller, or possibly bigger.”

19. Black Widow

“No matter how many form-fitting tactical outfits I did kicks in that day those planes just kept coming. Oh well, can’t win ’em all!”

18. Nick Fury

“I stop 9/11 every day! Sorry I took one day off in 2001!”

17. Valkyrie

“First I’m hearing of it.”

16. Hawkeye

“I’ve been petitioning Boeing for years to build an airplane that explodes when you hit it with an arrow, but do they listen?!”

15. Vision

“Don’t blame me! I voted for Gore.”

14. Spider-Man

“I’ve never seen 9/11, I think it came out before I was born? I heard it was great though.”

13. Shang-Chi

“I can’t really remember what I even do. I’m like a magic guy, right?”

12. America Chavez

“I stopped 9/11 in a bunch of other universes but honestly, after a few dozen, you get bored.”

11. Winter Soldier

“Because no one said ‘exhibition, tarnished, eleven, ladies night, microwave, forty-two, subway car, Dallas’ to me in that exact order.”

10. Moon Knight

“If 9/11 didn’t happen, they never would have made “Loose Change.” I love that movie!”

9. Black Panther

“Did you ask Queen Elizabeth II the same question? How about King Willem-Alexander of the Netherlands? You see where I’m going with this.”

8. War Machine

“Seriously? My name is WAR MACHINE. Maybe if it was “Peace Machine” I would have done something, but probably not because “Peace Machine” sounds like a real bitch if you ask me!”

7. Scarlet Witch

“There’s actually no spell for stopping 9/11s. I got Pearl Harbor, January 6th, The Challenger explosion, but no 9/11. It’s weird!”

6. The Guardians of The Galaxy

“By the time we found the perfect song to stop 9/11 too, it was already too late. Chumbawamba, “Tubthumping.”

5. Captain America

“Well, the first time I lived through 9/11 I was frozen in a block of ice so, you know, absent excused. The second time let’s see, I was probably balls deep in my girlfriend Peggy Carter. We would have been in our early 70s by then but she was still a whole lot of woman, and me? Well, I’m Captain America.”

4. Falcon/Captain America

“I actually DID stop 9/11, but it didn’t test well so we went into reshoots. We just wrapped and even though that horrible tragedy still happened, I think the audience is going to be happy with the results. You didn’t hear this from me but… Red Hulk. Ha! I’ve said too much.”

3. Iron Man

“I was dealing with my own personal 9/11 at the time, by which I mean two female flutists from the London Philharmonic. One was a nine, and the other, let me tell you, she was an eleven. You get that I had sex with them, right?”

2. The Eternals

“The same reason we haven’t prevented any of the huge global catastrophes we’ve idly witnessed through the ages, we don’t GIVE A FUCK yo!”

1. Doctor Strange

“Using the Eye of Agamotto, I glimpsed into over 14 million possible futures, and the one where 9/11 happened was the only one where we got U.S ground forces into Iraq. I allowed 9/11 to happen for the greater good, and history will vindicate me along with the Bush administration.”

Heartbreaking: It Turns Out the Prisoner on the “Countdown to Extinction” Album Cover Is a Non-Violent Drug Offender

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It’s not exactly a secret that the justice system in our country is far from perfect. The institutions in place that motivate private prisons and the companies that supply them to continue incarcerating people (an inordinate portion of whom are minorities) are outright shameful and in desperate need of serious reform. This absolute mockery of the notion of the United States being known as “the land of the free” is only heightened with each passing year in which nothing is done. As if this point needed further emphasis, it turns out the prisoner on the cover of Megadeth’s 1992 album “Countdown to Extinction” is a non-violent drug offender.

Disgraceful.

Meet 88-year-old Rory Sullivan, currently housed in the Rhode Island Department of Corrections in Cranston, RI. In 1973, at the age of 37, Sullivan was pulled over in possession of a controlled substance with the intent to distribute, and ever since then he has been inexplicably held alone in a concrete cell on the top floor of a 14-story medieval fortress on his prison’s complex, despite a stellar behavioral record and the complete absence of prior offenses. In fact, he is so isolated that other prisoners held in the complex don’t even know he exists!

Wake up, America! Is this what we’re consigning ourselves to as we hold our hands to our hearts for the National Anthem?
To make this horrific injustice even more glaring, even the prison’s guards (who normally delight in treating the inmates with unspeakable levels of sadism) are confused as to why he’s left in solitary confinement and only fed a plateful of bones every day. Temperatures in the cell are known to dip below 50 degrees at night, and with nothing to cover himself but a single undergarment, Sullivan is often left shivering himself to sleep in a corner of his cell.
Who can put a stop to this inhumanity? Will you sit idly by, reading this article in relative comfort, while this poor man slowly wastes away atop his lonely tower of disservice? Shame on you!

If you were thinking “Why hasn’t the ACLU put the proverbial sledgehammer to this real-life ‘Cask of Amontillado?’” it’s not for lack of trying. Numerous lawsuits have been filed on Sullivan’s behalf over the past five decades, to no avail. Not only that but attempts to disable the automated vents that cause the pitiable wretch to levitate for two hours every day have also fallen short.

With all conventional means of ending this travesty having been exhausted, we find ourselves at an impasse. We can continue our silence (which is tantamount to complicity,) or we can raise our voices for the voiceless which, in this case, is the old man adorning the cover of Megadeth’s fifth-best album specifically. Certainly, “Sweating Bullets” was not a fair trade for the soul of America, but it may serve as a reminder for us to collectively gaze in the mirror and finally say “Hello me, meet the real me.”

Swing Revival Band Not Sure If They’re 30 or 90 Years Too Late

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

WALLA WALLA, Wash. — Local swing revival band Big Zipper Flame Daddies weren’t quite sure if they were three or nine decades late with their musical style, confirmed sources who agreed they were behind schedule by all accounts.

“If you really think about it, swing is only ever a thing every 40 or 50 years and we need to be historically accurate if this venture is going to succeed,” said lead singer Jeffrey Tamelay of the 18-piece unit. “Remember in the ‘90s when there were just a bunch of swing groups that came out for no reason and half of them seemed like they just groomed underage girls, judging by their band name? Well, they were clearly 60 years late. But then again, we’re here trying to emulate the bands of the ‘90s who are emulating the swing groups of the ‘30s who were doing an offshoot of jazz. If we can’t figure out this riddle soon then our swing band will never make it at tonight’s show with nothing but shoegaze bands. Ugh, reviving old genres isn’t as easy as it looks.”

Fans of swing didn’t really think it mattered.

“I think they need to move past the fact that they’ll never be the Brian Setzer of the ‘90s nor the Brian Setzer of the ‘30s,” said local 95-year-old Bob Blankenship. “Besides, if you ask me, they’re actually a few centuries late. As a true swing fan, I only listen to the ones who were peers of Beethoven. Otherwise, it’s not real swing. In order for it to be legit swing music, it needs to be from the period when everyone was dying from the bubonic plague. That’s prime swing.”

Experts noted similar instances in music history.

“Unearthing older genres can be quite difficult if you can’t pinpoint the exact era you’re going for,” said music critic Blake Hildress. “It’s like in the 2000s when bands attempted to bring back ragtime music of the early 1900s. Sure, post-ragtime core never really materialized, but if you want to stand out from the crowd, you have to pick an old music style out of a hat and make that your whole thing.”

At press time, the band actually came to the conclusion that they were 20 years early as that was when the swing pendulum was estimated to come back to them.

I Immigrated to This Country Illegally To Have a Post-Birth Abortion and Eat Your Dog – Here’s Why I’m Voting for Trump

Posted on by Dan Rice

Last night America witnessed the first and possibly only debate between two presidential hopefuls. One of them, former president Trump, came down pretty hard on illegal immigrants who have abortions after birth and eat dogs. His opponent, and actually both moderators, immediately denied that such a demographic even exists. Well, I can assure you, there is at least one of us.

I am one of the child-killing dog eaters who entered the country illegally, and despite his harsh words against people like me, Trump has my vote. Is it because he makes me feel seen? Partially, but in order to fully understand my reasoning, you need to know a bit about my journey.

I came to this country seeking asylum, by which I of course mean a mental institution that would terminate the pregnancy I just gave birth to, then escape and eat your beloved family dog like the late great Michael Myers. Imagine my surprise when I got to America!

Just getting here was a nightmare, it took me a dozen attempts and I was coming from Canada for fucks sake! I made my way to what I was told was an illegal immigrant hotspot hoping someone could point me to the nearest baby disposal facility, hoping it would be right next to your beautiful white picket home, 2.5 children, and your well-fed and clearly delicious dog. Everyone I met however was just some loser looking for back-breaking labor so they could send money to their families. I began to wonder if this was even the right America.

Then there was the hospital, where I demanded my abortion and was simply asked “How long have you been pregnant?” Like, hey genius, I’m clearly holding a newborn, do they not teach math at med school? Then when they finally did take my baby they just gave it a bunch of food and medicine, the opposite of what I ordered! Couple that with the fact that I’ve yet to eat a single animal with a name-tag and I am one PISSED illegal immigrant!

So why am I voting for a man who essentially tricked me into thinking this was the land of the free and home of illegal baby-killing dog eaters? Because we can help each other out.

As Kamala Harris poignantly pointed out, Trump would rather run on a problem than fix it. By supporting him, it is my hope that he will provide avenues for me to murder my son and slow roast your labradoodle so he can point and say “See?”

Mr. Trump is a businessman after all, and he will recognize that this is a fantastic deal. He scratches my back (allowing me to murder my child and eat an animal you love like a member of your family) I scratch his (becoming a living avatar of his fear-mongering lies Twilight Zone/monkey’s paw ironic-twist style.) He’s already cozied up to Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un without losing one ounce of support from his “patriotic” base. Surely the MAGA crowd can forgive a bit of backroom dealing with one lowly baby-killing dog eater?

Mosquito Immediately Regrets Sucking Fat Mike’s Blood

Posted on by Trevor Graham

LOS ANGELES — A mosquito that landed on the arm of NOFX frontman Fat Mike and sucked his blood says it immediately regrets the decision, sources who appear to be punk in drublic confirmed.

“As soon as I stuck my stinger into that guy’s skin I just knew something was wrong. Besides the fact that it smelled like stale menthol cigarettes, it just made me feel weird and I started seeing colors and could taste the music he was playing,” said the mosquito while wrapped in a tiny blanket and sipping on coffee. “The worst part is I woke up several hours later to discover I had purchased tickets for something called ‘Punk Rock Bowling Fest’ in Las Vegas. Ticketmaster charged me $13.50 for a ‘convenience fee.’ And I thought I was the one who was an annoying blood sucker.”

Another mosquito who was also buzzing around the Fat Wreck Chords owner says he tried to warn his friend before it attached itself to him.

“I told him! I said ‘Don’t do it, dude. It’s not worth it.’ This guy looks like he’s more full of pharmaceuticals than a Fox News ad break,” said the second mosquito. “Also, not to shame anyone’s personal sexual history, but you don’t know where this guy has been. As a type of insect that lives off the blood of other animals, we need to be a little more careful and not just stick our stingers into anything with a pulse. As a species, we need to have higher standards than that.”

Entomogist Sharon Young says that mosquitos that frequently suck the blood of punk musicians can become addicted.

“It has become a real epidemic in the mosquito population. Mosquitos that continue to use musician blood can become addicted and even worse, it can lead to them making unlistenable music,” said Young. “Once they’ve had a taste of musician blood and had their microscopic-sized brains expanded from the substances, it can be hard for a mosquito to return to ‘normie’ blood. Next thing you know, they’re writing lo-fi hip hop beats to study to in their damp wetland homes.”

At press time the mosquito said he was looking for another fix and was said to have tracked down Jane’s Addiction frontman Perry Farrell.

Trump Deviates From Debate To Deliver Tangent About “The Late Great Darth Vader” And His “Wonderful Empire”

Posted on by B.S. Mitchell

PHILADELPHIA — Former President Trump deviated from his prepared talking points to pay tribute to Darth Vader and the countless jobs he created running his empire, confused viewers confirmed.

“Did you hear this? Did you hear the great Darth Vader died? He was a great man and a great father. He would do that thing with his hand and choke people, wouldn’t even have to touch them, wouldn’t it be cool to be able to do that? If Mike Pence was here I’d try that on him and see what happens,” said Trump after being asked about tariffs. “I’d love to have a guy like that running the military. Did you know we actually have lightsaber technology but we just aren’t using it? I know because I invented it. Scientists were shocked, they said they’ve never seen someone harness a laser like I did. That’s why when I’m elected again there will be way more lasers and countries will be like ‘Woah, we don’t want to mess with the USA, they have Trump lasers.’”

Vice President Harris was visibly confused by Trump’s praise of the Sith Warrior.

“I’m not really sure what to say here. We did lose James Earl Jones earlier this week, he was a great man and a humanitarian that did so much for his community, but I’m not sure that’s who Mr. Trump is talking about here,” said Harris. “I want to make this clear to my opponent and to everyone watching; Darth Vader is a fictional character. He’s never been real, if you have a family member who believes Vader is a real person then please get them help. They clearly have a tenuous grasp on reality.”

Debate moderator Linsey Davis admitted that she wasn’t sure how to react to Trump’s praise of Vader.

“I came in here ready to take on the candidates and challenge them whenever they bent the truth to benefit their message, but then Mr. Trump threw me a curveball by talking about how cool Darth Vader’s mask was,” said Linsey during a commercial break. “There was a solid three minutes where he was asking how Vader’s mask worked. He wouldn’t answer any questions about policy, the border, or Russian election interference until someone explained the mechanics. Thankfully there was some nerd there who was more than happy to fill us all in, but I feel like we somehow know less about each candidate now.”

At press time, Trump promised to give Elon Musk a cabinet position to oversee the construction of a Death Star produced here in the USA.