Matt Gaetz Tells Girlfriend He Can Attend Quinceañera After All

Posted on by Tim Graham

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Former Florida representative Matt Gaetz informed his girlfriend Valentina he will be able to go to her 15th birthday party after ending his bid for Attorney General, sources who attend Rickards High School confirm.

“Of course I’m disappointed I won’t get to be Attorney General and mete out legal punishments according to President Trump’s every vindictive whim,” said Gaetz as he shopped for a tuxedo for the upcoming event. “But the confirmation process was becoming too disruptive for my family—by which I mean myself and Nestor, my sort-of-adopted adult son. In any case, now that I’m out of Congress and not getting the AG job, the silver lining is that I have the time to go to Valentina’s quinceañera. She’s not my girlfriend of course, that’s silly. She’s just a good, good friend who also happens to be a teenage girl.”

Valentina’s parents had hoped Gaetz would get the nomination and leave their daughter alone.

“He’s a smooth-talker who would shower our family with gifts,” said Valentina’s father Luis. “I thought he was trying to set up his ‘son’ with my daughter, but I soon realized his intentions were more sinister. I hoped he would get this new job and fuck off for Washington. We’ve done everything we can to keep him away, but he’s very persistent. We don’t plan on letting him into the party. I’ve got some cousins coming in from Miami who are strapped and won’t take any shit from that Joker-looking pendejo.”

Conservative podcaster Daniel Ghent claims Gaetz is a victim of a leftist witch hunt.

“I’ve known Matt for years. He’s a standup guy,” said Ghent while working on a display of German military memorabilia for his studio. “The communists in the fake news media only targeted him because they were threatened by a strong, attractive Alpha male who didn’t take shit from anybody. And because of their smear-campaign, we’re not going to have him as AG. The Deep State has tried to take down Trump for a decade and couldn’t, so now they’re going after his buddies. The good news is Matt invited me on a trip to Thailand soon, which will be fun.”

At press time, Gaetz had reportedly created a Reddit post asking how to make Venmo payments private.

Musk and Trump Bond Over Which of Their Children They Hate Most and Which One They’d Most Like to Sleep With

Posted on by Stephen Bell

WASHINGTON — The world’s richest man Elon Musk and President-elect Donald Trump are reportedly closer than ever after finding common ground while discussing which of their kids they hate, and which one they’d most like to have sex with, sources controlling the levers of power confirmed.

“I could tell that Donald was having some trouble understanding my sense of humor, it’s pretty advanced, but I knew if I just gave his campaign enough money he would finally find me funny,” said Musk in between working on his DOGE initiative. “One day I asked him if he’d ever played the game Fuck, Marry, Kill and he said no so we played it as an icebreaker. Naturally, I did what any good father would do and made it about our respective children. I of course would kill my kid who contracted the woke mind virus, sleep with the triplets, and marry whichever one looked the most like me. Gotta keep the bloodline pure and ongoing!”

Trump was more than happy to play along with this game.

“I don’t make mistakes often, people say I’m nearly perfect. Eric was a mistake, but I blame that on his mother, she was a real nasty woman. Low IQ, flat butt, the best deal I ever made was getting out of that marriage. But honestly, I wish I had more kids, specifically I wish I had more daughters because Ivanka is so gorgeous, the world would be a nicer place with more Ivankas,” said Trump. “I’d marry Ivanka, sleep with Ivanka, and I’d kill any of my kids that wanted to break their NDA even if it was Ivanka. But think of how many more options I’d have if I either recognized my secret children or if I hadn’t paid for all of those abortions. That’s why I got rid of Roe, people love me for that.”

Republican Speaker of the House Mike Johnson insisted that this perverse exercise was just locker room talk.

“Obviously this was two dads having a larf about their kids,” said Johnson. “What parent hasn’t thought about how handsome their child is or about whom they’d think would make for a good bride as soon as they turn 11. And the talk of killing them? Well some kids just need discipline and threatening to murder them is an acceptable and loving way of doing so. Or if they’re gay actually killing them is just an act of you acting out god’s mercy.”

At press time the conversation had become awkward again after J.D. Vance came in and started listing furniture.

Woman Enters Fifth Stage of Grief Trying to Put on Duvet Cover

Posted on by Dom Turek

CHULA VISTA, Calif — After spending hours trying to put her newly washed duvet cover back on her comforter, an exhausted, sweat-covered Elianna Davies finally succumbed to the fifth stage of grief and accepted it was a project for another day, sources close to the victim confirmed.

“At first it was pure unadulterated anger,” said the grief-stricken Davies. “Turning the closed fist towards the heavens, I cried out to God, ‘Why me?’ That’s when the guilt came pouring in. Most people try to comfort you by saying it wasn’t your fault, but if I wasn’t eating sushi in bed, I wouldn’t have spilled half a cup of soy sauce on my duvet cover and I wouldn’t be in this predicament. That’s what picks away at you.”

Despite being considered a stoic and independent woman by her family and friends, those closest to Davies worry that she is just one minor inconvenience away from unraveling.

“This year alone, she lost almost all her Tupperware and is just left with a useless pile of lids,” said Simon Bowers, Davies’ longtime partner. “How much loss can one person take before they fall apart? I offered to help when I saw her flailing around inside the duvet, but she screamed at me to go away and told me I ‘wouldn’t understand.’ When she finds out our vacuum cleaner is overheating and just spewing out dust, all hell is going to break loose.”

Thankfully, grief experts say humans are capable of rebounding from extreme emotional lows and becoming somewhat recognizable versions of themselves again.

“You should stay in the denial stage as long as you can,” said grief counselor and esteemed author of “Top of the Mourning to You” Ingrid Pugh. “However, if you’re already too far along in the grief process, I suggest a prolonged stay in the anger phase. There’s no shame in deciding duvets are a complete waste of energy and burning the entire comforter set in the backyard while the neighbors watch in horror.”

At press time, Davies was seen checking herself into a local mental health treatment center after putting her fitted sheet on the wrong way.

Here’s What Trump Really Meant When He Said “I Will Literally Line Up My Political Rivals and Have Them Executed by Firing Squad”

Posted on by Tim Graham

Here we go again—the libs are panicking about another innocent, off-the-cuff comment from President Trump. It’s exhausting having to explain what Trump actually meant to a bunch of reactionary bedwetters every time he speaks his mind. Trump has already been President and barely even brought us to the brink of chaos, and you’re still not accustomed to his manner of speaking. Still you flip your lids whenever he expresses an opinion. Then people like myself are forced to waste our time helping the pearl-clutching left understand Trump’s true intention.

Of course he wasn’t actually talking about slaughtering Democrats, members of the media and dissidents in a hail of bullets. Do I really need to point out that “literally” doesn’t actually mean “literally” anymore? If someone says, “I literally died laughing,” you know they didn’t really die. In this case, Trump employed a clever metaphor: He was simply making the point that he would hold the enemies of freedom accountable for their ineptitude and corruption. The suggestion that he intends to initiate some sort of systemic purge of his domestic rivals is frankly pretty offensive.

Are you familiar with “The Weave”? That’s Trump’s term for the masterful way his monologues touch on a wide variety of subjects before he eventually connects the dots and ties everything together. What you’re alleging he said about the wholesale extrajudicial murder of his enemies was just one of many issues he brought up in a three-hour speech, and once again the radical left is cherry-picking, taking things out of context and losing their minds.

Furthermore, when Mr. Trump added that he would hold lotteries giving loyalists a chance to win a spot on the firing squads just demonstrates how creative he is with the English language. The fact so many liberals misconstrued that as well highlights how intellectually compromised the lot of you are.

I admit that President Trump’s language can come off as coarse at times, but he’s a tough businessman, not a bought-and-paid-for Washington insider. Enough with the hand-wringing about what he meant by this or that. We need to end these disingenuous witch hunts and let Trump exercise his First Amendment right to speak his mind and lead the country toward prosperity and greatness. Again. And maybe again after that, we’ll see.

Totally Pathetic Local Band Actually Gives It Their All Onstage

Posted on by Wyatt Fair

OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla. – Local indie rock quartet Girlfriend’s Homework were treated to a “cacophony” of boos after they earnestly attempted showmanship onstage, disgusted sources report.

“Oh man, it was like one of those…what’s that German word for like, secondhand shame? Seinfeld? Sorry, I’m kinda out of it, I just worked a rodeo sponsored by weed influencers,” said Sherman Talk, a vegan sandwich artist who attended the band’s gig last weekend. “They kicked off their set with some super competent riffing. So cringe! And then the singer, he pops in with this really poetic lyric about his acute sense of isolation in the modern world. I can still feel my skin crawling. Apparently he just lost a parent to Alzheimer’s? He had this perfect blend of tragi-comic songwriting and vibrant onstage charisma that was so deeply embarrassing to witness.”

Frontman Daniel Matts knew from the get-go that the performance was heading south.

“There’s no way around it, man. We practiced way too much,” said Matts, a lifelong OKC native who started a non-profit to support cafeterias at underfunded elementary schools. “Our sound has never been more cohesive, and I’ve been reading a ton of 19th-century Irish romantic poetry that’s definitely been influencing my songwriting. That gig was the culmination of countless sleepless nights in the studio, hours of blood, sweat, and calluses. That level of total commitment to our art was definitely our first mistake.”

Unfortunately, producer Bernard Token, who was scouting the Southwest for new talent to sign to his record label, walked out during the show.

“Girlfriend’s Homework…man, that gig was rough,” laughed Token, who founded the iconic indie label Afraid Of Women using money that his great-uncle Henry Kissinger Venmoed him a few years ago. “A humiliating display of camaraderie. You can tell those guys just loooove playing music together. I’m pretty sure their drummer broke a sweat and everything. Guys like me who understand the industry are looking for a much more cynical, detached, and emotionally void product to work with.”

As of press time, Girlfriend’s Homework bassist Mike Tooth decided to quit the band to focus on his electronic solo career, an indie sleaze revival act like The Dare but with no computers, just bass.

Every Atom And His Package Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Anthony Carrano

If you were aware of Philadelphia’s Atom and His Package in the late ‘90s/early 2000’s, it was either because you had a friend who liked Atom so much it was kind of annoying, or you were the annoying friend. If you’re aware of him now, it’s because you still have/are that friend, you’re aware of his more recent bands Armalite or Dead Best, or he was your high school chemistry teacher. After years of playing in local bands, Adam Goren (AKA Atom) started writing, recording, and releasing his own music on a collection of synthesizers and music sequencers (AKA His Package). Back when many punk solo musicians were just dudes singing punk songs while gorilla-strumming power chords on an acoustic guitar, Atom brought in electronic instrumentation and a level of humor constantly oscillating between immature and intelligent. Here we rank his full-length albums. You’re free to disagree, but you’ll have to return the TI-83 graphing calculator we loaned you freshman year.

5. Atom & His Package (AKA The First C.D.) (1997)

This album only ranks the worst because of how much the added guitar in later releases improves the sound. The exclusive use of sequencer and vocals on this album gives the music a lo-fi chiptune feel. The “Where Eagles Dare” Misfits cover still works well with this arrangement. Your friends might find the nasally vocals and lo-fi keyboard instrumentation annoying, but the songs rule, no matter how many wedgies you get for sneaking them into the party playlist. Need proof? The rock versions of “Avenger,” “He Kissed Me,” “Head (She’s Just A)”and “Atom and His Package” all rip when Atom re-records them as the “band” Lobster Mobster on “Making Love.”

Play it again: “Snowshoe BBQ”
Skip it: “Tim Allen Is Not Very Funny”

4. Making Love (1999)

The sound is still mostly sequencer/synthesizer driven, but there are a few guitar-driven tracks on this album that make you feel less nerdy for how much you enjoy it. “Hats Off to Halford” salutes Rob Halford for being an openly gay heavy metal musician, breaks into a Screeching Weasel chorus, and calls Slayer “Nazi fuckin’ pricks” for their use of Nazi iconography. Risking the anger of Slayer fans has to be one of the biggest I-don’t-give-a-shit-if-you-beat-me-up /standing-up-to-a-bully moves out there.

Play it again: “(Lord It’s Hard to Be Happy When You’re Not) Using the Metric System”
Skip it: “Bloody Lip,” but at 18 seconds long, you gotta be quick about it.

3. Attention! Blah Blah Blah (2003)

The final release is Atom’s most guitar-driven album. Sequencers are still present, but it sounds more like a keyboard rock band than a one-man sequencing act. As such, your enjoyment of this album is the least likely to get your lunch money stolen. “Mustache T.V.” informs us of the potential mental health benefits of putting scotch tape mustaches on the television, while “Dear Atom, You Do Not Want Children, Love, Atom.” explores his desire to have a child in spite of a letter he’d previously written to himself listing the reasons he didn’t “want no babies.” We’d rank this album higher, but every punk knows they’re bound to the convictions of their younger selves for life, no matter how unrealistic, arbitrary, or contradictory.

Play it again: “I’m Downright Amazed at What I Can Destroy With Just a Hammer”
Skip it: “Matt Werth Speaks”

2. Redefining Music (2001)

Guitar usage begins to catch up to the use of sequencers with this album, allowing them to complement each other. It’s still a good idea to watch out for wet willies if you put any of these songs on the road trip mix. “Shopping Spree” steals a chorus from Flagstaff’s The Dali Llamas, explaining in the verses that Atom actually wrote the song on tour, and they stole it from him. There’s also a song about using anarchy as an excuse for not picking up your trash, and another calling NFL team owner Daniel Snyder a cock for his decades-long refusal to change his team’s name from a racial slur.

Play it again: “Upside Down from Here”
Skip it: “Open Your Heart,” but only because it’s not the version that’s always playing at the grocery store

1. A Society of People Named Elihu (1997)

Atom’s second album still predominantly features sequencers in the arrangement, but it bends the beeps and boops toward a more traditional punk rock feel. The quality of the songwriting allows this album to surpass the later releases with a more mature sound. You’re still likely to get pantsed for listening to this one in public, but it’s worth it. It features tongue-in-cheek electronic covers of Fugazi’s “Waiting Room” and Youth of Today’s “Break Down the Walls.” It also features two birthday songs: one for your friends named Ralph and one that works for anyone. “No Way DNA,” recorded by Atom’s old band Fracture, closes out the album. “Punk Rock Academy” imagines a private high school for punk rockers that doesn’t suck while “Me and My Black Metal Friends” imagines befriending black metal bands in a way that doesn’t get you murdered.

Play it again: “Punk Rock Academy”
Skip it: “Sting Cannot Possibly Be the Same Guy Who Was in The Police”

Gen Xer Misses When Rappers Began Songs With Their Name and What They Were Here to Say

Posted on by Tim Graham

DANBURY, Conn. — 48-year-old Bruce Wallach wishes contemporary rappers would introduce themselves as they did in ‘80s hip hop, sources near him in line at Trader Joe’s confirm.

“I liked it when rappers obeyed some basic rules of etiquette. Things were so much simpler back then,” said Wallach while enjoying some extra-mild buffalo wings. “For example, if I were writing a rap I’d say, ‘My name is Bruce and I’m here to say / I like to drive my Prius every day.’ See? Right at the outset of the song, you know who I am and something about me. Rap made after 1989 or so is basically incomprehensible. Who are they and what do they want? There are like 40 people in Wu-Tang—how could I ever sort them out without formal introductions? And don’t get me started on these mumbling Soundcloud rappers. Their intentions are never clear.”

Longtime friend Connor Hanson suggests Wallach needs to get with the times.

“Bruce was never even a big rap fan. I gave him a Public Enemy tape for his thirteenth birthday and it never left the shrinkwrap,” said Hanson. “He preferred the Phil Collins’ ‘No Jacket Required’ tape his mom gave him. Bruce is falling into the trap of romanticizing the past and getting hung up on nostalgia. I’m still seeking out new music and going to shows while most of my friends just pine for the old days. They watch old music videos online and order ‘80s toys on eBay, all while complaining that everything new sucks. Frankly, they’re starting to sound like Boomers.”

Old school hip hop artist DJ Tonearm claims that a lot of people are misremembering the history of rap.

“When these middle-aged white dudes reminisce about early hip hop, most of them are actually just recalling the 1988 Fruity Pebbles commercial where Barney Rubble says, ‘I’m the master rapper and I’m here to say / I love Fruity Pebbles in a major way,’” said the DJ while crate-digging in Bushwick. “Other than that, the line appears very seldomly in actual hip-hop songs. Guys like this think the pinnacle of rap was the scene in ‘Office Space’ where they beat the shit out of the printer to a Geto Boys song.”

At press time, Wallach had been overheard lamenting there being “no good bands like Pearl Jam anymore,” despite them still being an active touring and recording act.

Sober Icon? This Man Only Drinks on Weekends

Posted on by Dom Turek

People in recovery talk about the benefits of transcendental mediation, counting days, and daily journaling, but hidden behind all this self-improvement jargon stands an unsung hero; a man who only gets fall-down, black-out, shit-faced drunk on weekends, and lives the rest of the week as a functioning member of polite society.

Part-time drunk and full-time icon, David Nevins, is living, breathing, dry-heaving proof that yes, we do recover. Every single week, for the last ten years, he has spent Monday through Thursday nursing himself back to health after going on heinous weekend benders that begin the moment he clocks out on Friday and last until Sunday evening. If that’s not recovery, I don’t know what is. Relapse can be one of the biggest teaching moments in sobriety, which is why he’s just as committed to his relapse as he is to his recovery.

His ability to switch between party mode and work mode is the stuff of superheroes. Would anyone care about Superman if he wasn’t out on nights and weekends wrecking cars, causing havoc, and having unprotected sex? Not a chance. He’d just be another underpaid journalist on the brink of divorce known to his coworkers as the guy who keeps to himself and microwaves fish in the breakroom.

Remember the saying, “Everything in moderation?” Well, that also includes moderation.
Positive affirmations like, “One day at a time,” can be helpful, but only if those days are relegated to weekdays, with the exception of holidays, birthdays and the occasional hump day. If you binge-drink any less than two days a week you run the risk of hanging out with people who talk about their favorite flavored seltzers at parties, or turning into the guy who orders an $18 sage-infused mocktail called “The Citrus Fizz” at dinner.

What some may see as a double life, others see as balance. What some may perceive as weekend alcoholism, others view as weekday sobriety. So what if he keeps an emergency Tito’s nip in his desk drawer? So what if he finds a little baggy in his coat jacket with coke residue still clinging to the sides and gums it in the workplace bathroom? Sometimes a little bit of drugs and alcohol are all it takes to get through those rough patches of sobriety.

Southern Poverty Law Center Updates Hate Map to Coincide with Upcoming Pantera Tour Dates

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MONTGOMERY, Ala. — Legal advocacy organization Southern Poverty Law Center recently updated its Hate Map, an interactive tool to track hate groups, to coincide with dates from an upcoming Pantera tour, sources report.

“Honestly, this is just a huge timesaver and allows us to better focus our energy on offering our legal expertise against white supremacist groups and promoting tolerance education opportunities,” SPLC rep Jonathan Horvat said. “Given Pantera’s long and sketchy history, and the even sketchier appearance of their fans, it was a no-brainer for us to just take a map of their upcoming tour dates and superimpose it onto our existing one. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a lot of work to do. The current state of our country doesn’t really leave an organization like ours with a lot of downtime.”

Phil Anselmo, lead singer of Pantera, reacted to the news with confusion.

“I don’t get it, man,” the prolific frontman slurred as he finished a bottle of Wild Turkey bourbon. “Just because I’ve slipped up a couple times in the past by going on between-song rants about how it’s OK to be proud to be white, failing to openly disavow open racism displayed by my fans, and even performing Nazi salutes on stage, people think a band that I’m in might have some problematic followers. Well, our semi-reunited lineup is open to anybody willing to shell out $80 for a ticket. How’s that for racist?”

Fan Chuck Stottle scoffed when he heard of the recent development.

“Yeah, I’m not surprised that some group of liberal idiots thinks Pantera fans are suspect. Next they’re going to tell me that Skrewdriver was just a bunch of skinheads hellbent on promoting white power,” Stottle remarked as he sat back in the bed of his Ford F-150 against the back window, which was adorned with a gigantic Confederate flag decal. “These days, you can’t say anything without the woke mob coming for you. Just yesterday my buddy lost his job just because a video surfaced of him hurling racial slurs at some lady in a Target parking lot. How’s that for freedom? I don’t care what some bullshit Democrat organization thinks; nothing is going to stop me from getting blacked out on Busch Light and singing along to ‘Walk,’ which just so happens to be the only Pantera song I know.”

At press time, the software running the Hate Map became overloaded and crashed when its operators tried to add upcoming Jason Aldean tour dates.

Every Blood Incantation Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Jason Clemence

Blood Incantation is probably the most divisive critically-acclaimed metal band to come along since Deafheaven dropped that pink album in 2013. You either love Blood Incantation’s ever-evolving fusion of death metal, psychedelic rock, and midnight-bong-session soundscapes, or you complain that they get categorized as death metal but don’t sound exactly like early Deicide.

Purist gatekeepers aside, this Denver crew is one of the most original, virtuosic, and visionary bands, with some of the most diverse influences, to hit the metal scene in a long time. And if you think the band’s chemistry is some kind of fluke, just check out their multitude of side projects, most notably death-doom juggernaut Spectral Voice, spaghetti-western-influenced Wayfarer, or frontman Paul Riedl’s vast assortment of ambient projects.

This is a no-bad-albums band, but we’ll do our best.

5. Interdimensional Extinction (2015)

A re-release of the band’s original demo, this is (very relatively speaking) as close to meat-and-potatoes OSDM as you’re gonna get from their discography thus far, though it’s already hinting at the psychedelic realms that are gonna hit full-force soon after. The lead guitar work, especially on “Hovering Lifeless,” is the kind of shredding that, in lesser hands, would seem wanky and lifeless, but that just absolutely works for this material. Bonus points for having the coolest cover in their discography. A Saturn-like planet where the rings seem to be made not just of ice and vaporized rock, but also skulls? Pretty much a perfect visual capture of what these guys are all about.

Play it Again: “Hovering Lifeless” and “Obfuscating the Linear Threshold”
Skip It: “The Vth Tablet (of Enuma Ellis)”

4. Timewave Zero (2022)

If you want to see metalheads absolutely lose their minds, read or watch some of the reviews/reactions to this album. Despite the band being pretty upfront about the fact that they had something very different from their previous work in the offing, the release of a two-track ambient synth album was just too much for some listeners, even the ones who DON’T begrudge Blood Incantation for not sounding like early Deicide. Moody, deceptively-complex, and recorded analog on a veritable arsenal of Moog products, this one is jarring to hear for the first time, especially if you ignored the press releases and thought you were getting more Gorgutsian tech-death, only to get 40 minutes of Brian Eno meets Bernard Xolotl meets one of those 10-hour “fall asleep in 5 minutes” YouTube videos. But as a spaced-out dark ambient record? This shit slays.

Play it Again: “Ea”
Skip It: There are only two tracks, and “Ea” is slightly better than “Io,” so do with that what you will.

Honorable Mention: Luminescent Bridge (2023)

This is a two-track EP (or “maxi-single” if you prefer, which we do not) with one more-or-less death metal song and one more-or-less ambient song, the latter of which includes a straight-from-the-80s guitar solo with the harmonized tone of hair metal but a melodic solemnity that would have fit perfectly with a montage of scenes from “Top Gun” or “Iron Eagle.” They toured on this thing opening for Gorguts, Mayhem, and Cannibal Corpse, if that gives you some sense of what an eclectic oddball record it is.

Play it Again: “Obliquity of the Ecliptic”
Skip It: Look, again, it’s only two tracks, so our powers of deduction give us a very obvious candidate. But also, c’mon, who doesn’t like an Iron Eagle montage soundtrack?

3. Starspawn (2016)

Technically their first full-length, this is practically a dissertation on the awesomeness of complex death metal with a thick layer of cosmic psychedelia. It has a certain sense of purity, as the band recorded it before they had a ton of hype to live up to. We’d also call it their most accessible album; no matter what sub-subgenre you prefer, this should be regarded as the Blood Incantation album that every death metal fan can agree on, unless you’re just looking for a reason not to.

Play it Again: “Chaoplasm”
Skip It: We don’t really recommend that

2. Absolute Elsewhere (2024)

This record is going to be near or at the top of so many year-end lists. At least one reviewer has described it as “Morbid Floyd,” given that there are parts that sound like “Altars of Madness” and parts that sound like “Shine on You Crazy Diamond,” and that’s a pretty apt description, but it still doesn’t capture just how off-the-wall and original this album is. Listen closely and you’ll find everything from Yes to King Crimson to Krallice to 2nd-wave black metal to (OMG) Deicide influencing the proceedings. The band continues to show their ambient soundscape bona fides with a guest appearance by the legendary Tangerine Dream. Tempo shifts, of which you’ll find plenty, might be a hallmark of tech-forward metal, but Blood Incantation ups the ante by being unafraid to have just as many tonal shifts. There are lots of pretty decent death metal albums that start the intensity at 10 and stay there until the final note. This is not an issue on Absolute Elsewhere. It’s one of the most sonically-diverse releases the genre has ever seen.

Play it Again: All of it. This is a concept album in the purest sense, and should be an immersive start-to-finish experience
Skip it: Would you skip a track on Dark Side of the Moon? No? Exactly.

1. Hidden History of the Human Race (2019)

Not very original of us to choose this for #1, but more than five years after the band dropped this hyped-to-hell-and-back album, it still holds up just fine, thank you very much. It roars out of the gate with “Slave Species of the Gods,” an unapologetic early Morbid Angel-influenced number accompanied by Riedl’s inimitable death growl. This is followed by some delightful squeak-squawk guitar riffs courtesy of Morris Kolontyrsky on “The Giza Power Plant,” a track that ultimately sounds like it’s from “…And Justice for All,” if Kirk Hammett had followed George Harrison’s example and studied middle eastern and Indian music for awhile. The whole affair is beautifully complemented by the rhythm section. Isaac Faulk’s blast beats and Jeff Barrett’s twisty fretless bass parts provide an indispensable counterpoint, not just a backdrop, to Riedl and Kolontyrsky’s guitars. The ambient interludes are just the right length to add atmosphere without seeming like they’re padding out the runtime, and the closing track “Awakening from the Dream of Existence to the Multidimensional Nature of our Reality (Mirror of the Soul)” is a 17-minute beast.

This album might not have the musical diversity of “Absolute Elsewhere,” but it’s a career-defining monster, and if you somehow haven’t heard it…get on that.

Play it Again: All
Skip It: None