Hold Up! If Columbia House Went Out Of Business 10 Years Ago, Who Keeps Mailing Me These Melissa Etheridge CDs?

Posted on by Kyle Donley

I’ve always been a reasonable guy. I don’t believe in supernatural forces or little green aliens. But some things just can’t be explained. The deepest mystery of the world might be the fact I keep getting random Melissa Etheridge CDs mailed to my home once a month like clockwork.

I’m no stranger to getting CDs in the mail, I signed up for Columbia House with my mom’s credit card when I was just 13 years old and got all the Jerky Boys albums for 10 cents. It fucking ruled. I was a god in middle school. I even got my first handjob to “Sparky the Clown.” After a couple years, I owned every crude comedy CD known to man, along with a bunch of other cool shit like the Spawn soundtrack and Jock Jams Vol. 2. But then I got an iPod.

As I got older I grew wiser and realized that Columbia House deal wasn’t as sweet as it seemed. I looked into canceling my subscription but the Columbia House legalese was ironclad. Ultimately, it just made more sense to let them charge my mom every month to send me a Melissa Etheridge CD. It has remained the only constant in my adult life, outlasting marriages, pets, and even my poor mother in the end.

This is all despite the fact that Columbia House discontinued its mail-order business in 2009.

I have 238 Melissa Etheridge CDs. I’ve dedicated an entire closet to them. No one is allowed inside my Melissa Etheridge closet except for me. All of the CDs are unique. Different artwork, different songs, all Melissa Etheridge. For years, I considered her to be the most prolific musician of our parlance. It was not until recently that I realized none of these CDs technically exist according to Discogs.

Every road leads to nowhere. Melissa has not replied to any of my cries for help on social media and I’ve since been banned by every Melissa Etheridge Facebook fan page I could find. I’ve written a letter to the Postmaster General each day for the past year to get answers, and still nothing. I thought maybe the Qanon people could help, perhaps Columbia House and the deep state are in cahoots? But they all called me crazy.

Resigned, I sit back in my recliner and put on “Barstow Boogie, Vol. 1,” awaiting for the cruel grip of Winter to present me with Vol. 2.

Scott’s Bass Lessons Unveils Exclusive 90-Minute Masterclass on Shoving an Ampeg 8×10 into a 1994 Toyota Corolla

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

LONDON – Scott Devine and Ian Martin Allison wowed bass players across the globe with their new masterclass on how to shove a refrigerator-sized Ampeg SVT 8×10 speaker cabinet into the back of a 1994 Toyota Corolla, enthusiastic tone-chasing bottom-feeders confirmed.

“In this class, we’ll run you through the best practices on how to forcibly insert an unnecessarily large speaker into your economy sedan like many of the greats who have done so in the past,” said Devine while nonchalantly drilling an ascending harmonic minor scale with an incredibly complex double thumping technique which can be further unpacked through the 14-day free trial to his extensive and ever-growing catalog of courses. “We’ll go through the pros and cons of bringing wildly impractical equipment to bar gigs that have 12 patrons attending, and how to do it with verve, enthusiasm, and the love for the game.”

Avid bass player and casual gigger Michel Arnold has his doubts about the efficacy of Devine’s new online tutorial.

“I don’t know. I drive a Ford Windstar, which is way bigger than a Corolla, and I even have difficulties lugging my Ampeg around. I’m your classic soccer dad with plenty of cargo space, but I can’t even get to the gig unless I take out all of the seats and slap some ratchet straps down. Otherwise, the thing just slides around, smacking into the windows and causing a ruckus,” Arnold proclaimed while pricing Mark Bass combo amps at Guitar Center. “But one thing I know for certain, chicks love when you roll out with the big boy, so I’m all ears at this point.”

Ian Martin Allison, Devine’s right-hand man, urges bassists to approach the masterclass with guarded enthusiasm.

“I’ve said this time and time again. Just like two-handed tapping on an MTD custom 6-string, yeeting an Ampeg 8×10 into the back of your car isn’t for everyone,” Allison stated while adjusting his hat in the reflection of the pickup cover on his Marcus Miller signature Jazz Bass. “We’ll unpack how to distribute the weight over the load-bearing capacity of each respective axle, so you can not only travel safely, but also wield an imposing amount of low-end that won’t even make it to the front-of-house mix anyway. But hey–if you’re too intimidated by our prowess, we don’t blame you a bit for simply buying a larger car.”

At press time, Devine was spotted using his new custom-built Fodera as a coffee table.

Patriotic Nu Metal Fan Does It for the Nookie and Country

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Local nu metal fan, and proud American, Gary Buski says everything he does in life is in pursuit of nookie and to enrich the United States of America, sources close to the man confirmed.

“I see this nu metal resurgence and I think it’s great a new generation is getting exposed to real music, and not the bubble gum pop bullshit mainstream radio stations try to shove down your throat. But these kids need to know that our freedom to get nookie is only granted to us because we live in the greatest country in the world,” said Buski while taking the bus to his court-ordered anger management class. “The first thing I do every morning is listen to the ‘Star Spangled Banner’ followed by a pledge of allegiance to the flag. After that I go down to the military recruitment center and blast a mix CD of nu metal favorites to get people hyped to serve. It’s just my small way of giving back to this country that has given me so much.”

Jerry “Worm” Cappilo, a lifelong friend, says Buski seems to have been born with a love of nu metal and America.

“I can remember when we were in middle school and Jerry dreamed of serving in Iraq so he could blast Disturbed from his Humvee and blow people’s brains out. Unfortunately, he completely failed the psych test and they didn’t let him join the Army. But that didn’t dull his love for America, if anything it made him an even bigger cheerleader,” said Cappilo. “I remember we went to see Coal Chamber in like 2011. Gary was the only one there with a giant American flag sewn onto one of the legs of his JNCOs. People were a bit freaked out, but that didn’t bother him at all.”

Former President Trump admitted he is actively courting the patriotic nu metal vote.

“I love those little freaks. Why do you think I carry Kid Rock around with me? The guy smells terrible, one of the worst smells you can imagine, but people love him. Not as much as they love me, I could probably write a hard rock album and people would come up to me and say ‘Mr. Trump you rock so hard, I didn’t know it was possible to rock this hard,’” said Trump after being asked about the economy. “If I’m reelected I will bring back Ozzfest, I will bring back the Family Values Tour, you are going to have so many touring nu metal bands you are going to be sick from all the nu metal. And that’s good for steel workers too.”

At press time, Buski announced he had written a nu metal version of ‘Hamilton’ that he plans on performing at the Jacksonville Arts Center sometime next year.

Quiz: Do You Want To Run a Marathon or Do You Want Your Friends To Pay Attention to You?

Posted on by Sarah Cassell

You’re starting to feel adrift. What do you want to do with your life? Should you start a podcast? It seems like everyone in your life is running a marathon. Should you run a marathon? Would that fix everything? Or do you just want your friends to pay attention to you? Take this simple quiz to find out!

A marathon is a lot of running. When was the last time you ran?

A) Last week I went on a run to clear my head! It was nice.
B)Running? I ran to catch a bus eight years ago I think and when I got on the bus I was so winded I puked and the bus driver tried to fight me.

What does a perfect Saturday morning look like to you?

A) Wake up, drink some coffee, then head out on an 11-mile run!
B) Wake up, brunch with my friends… or seeing my friends in any capacity. I wonder if they remember I exist. I wish one of them would text me. Sometimes I can’t sleep at night because I have this haunting feeling they are hanging out without me and making fun of my weird laugh.

What’s your favorite part of running?

A) Getting outside, stretching my body, pushing my body to its limits! What’s not to love?
B) Posting my run on Instagram so my friends can know that I run!!!!!

When was the last time you and your friends had a meaningful chat?

A)Last week! Thomas called me while I was running and we had the best talk! I ran two miles extra since we were having a great time.
B) Months! I wish they would pay attention to me. I even posted “deleting Instagram for a while because I need space,” but even then, no one reached out! Then I posted a story saying “You’re all going to miss me when I’m gone” and the only reaction I got was the laughing emoji from an old coworker.

You get lost in the woods on your run, what do you do?

A) Keep running! I’ll eventually find a way out of here.
B)Text my friends, “Guys, you’ll never guess what just happened on my run! Oh yeah, I run.”

What’s your favorite color?

A) Green! Reminds me of all the beautiful trees I see when I’m out running!
B) What does this have to do with anything? I guess purple?

Favorite type of music?

A) Anything I can run to! I love running!!!
B) Ska

Results

Mostly As

You should run a marathon! It’s a fun way to test the limits of your body and work towards a goal. You’re doing it for yourself, and you will be rewarded.

Mostly Bs

You just want your friends to pay attention to you, and your desperation is offputting to everyone around you. Running a marathon won’t change that buddy! Try having a kid, going through a public divorce, or just picking up your phone and calling your friend. It’s literally not that hard.

Iron & Wine Fan Visibly Winded After Hearing Song at 100BPM

Posted on by Shane Pauker

PHILADELPHIA — Avid Iron & Wine fan Kyle Bennet was recently seen panting in exhaustion after listening to a moderately-paced modern rock song, sources report.

“I usually listen to pretty laid-back music, but I was trying to be cool, and see what this rock and roll sound, was all about,” Bennet explained while frequently gasping for air mid-recovery. “Then everything started rushing. It was like lightning, at a hundred beats per minute. So much all at once: not just one instrument, but two, then three, then even four. I’m used to Iron & Wine singing and playing guitar at the same time — I’m even okay with him playing more than one string at once, if he has to — but this was a full-body experience that I’m not ready for yet.”

Bennet’s friend Carson O’Neil has claimed responsibility for Bennet’s exhaustion.

“I was surprised that anybody could have such a strong emotional reaction to ‘She Will Be Loved,’” O’Neil admitted. “He praised Terry Gross’s rapid-fire delivery after an episode of ‘Fresh Air’ finished up on the radio, so I figured I’d switch to music and keep the energy firmly moderate. Kyle told me he would be chill with it. He was drenched in sweat, panting, and crying a little by the time the song was over. He wasn’t just moved by Maroon 5’s lyrics; he was visibly spent by the tempo. I have no idea how to respond to this.”

Ross Trench, a personal trainer specializing in helping clients prevent tempo-related fatigue, wants to help train Bennet to listen to faster music.

“I’ve seen dozens of wimpy folk fans get stuck in a rut of slow-paced, frail music, but I believe that anyone can work their way up to hearing faster stuff without breaking a sweat,” Trench noted. “Take this dweeb Kyle, for example. If you start him up with Iron & Wine in his listening routine, you can slowly work his way up by having him listen to Punch Brothers for endurance, with weekly Dead Kennedys sprints to cross-train. He can increase base BPM 10% per week to avoid speed-related injuries. As long as he stays consistent, he’ll be able to listen to the original version of ‘Such Great Heights’ instead of the Iron & Wine cover in no time.”

At press time, O’Neill was preparing an emergency kit for Bennet’s next live music event, including an inhaler, water bottle, and First Aid Kit CD.

JNCO Stock Prices Plummet Following Sick New World Cancelation Announcement

Posted on by Bill Conway

LOS ANGELES — Popular clothing manufacturer JNCO announced a steep drop in their stock price following the sudden announcement that the 2025 addition of Sick New World was being canceled, sources confirmed.

“This is a devastating blow to our bottom line. But I want shareholders to know we are doing our best to get our oversized pants on everyone nostalgic for the late ’90s nu-metal boom,” said JNCO CEO Andrew Jacovou. “We should have seen this coming.  Our financial forecast put too much emphasis on the strength of sales we would see before Sick New World, unfortunately Live Nation and their service fees make attending festivals nearly impossible. If they didn’t have such exorbitant extra costs associated with each ticket, the average consumer could be an additional ten pairs of our quality jeans.”

This is a developing story and will be updated.

Bandmates Wish Rivers Cuomo Would Stop Referring to Tour Bus As “The Weezermobile”

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Members of Weezer expressed increasing annoyance towards lead singer Rivers Cuomo due to his insistence on referring to their tour bus as the “Weezermobile,” sources within the tour have confirmed.

“It’s all he ever talks about and we don’t know how to make him stop. I’d rather walk to the venue than have to cram in the front wit the rest of the guys, pretending we’re taking off in the Millennium Falcon yelling ‘Weezermobile, go forth!’ again. We love Rivers like a brother, but it has to stop,” said drummer Patrick Wilson. “I bit my tongue over the nine months he only wore the cowboy hat and mustache getup from Red Album, but needs to understand the bus is where we sleep and shit on the road and not some mystic bard vessel powered by the spirit of music. The guys from Dinosaur Jr. won’t even come near us in the parking lot anymore.”

Cuomo was convinced his enthusiasm would eventually rub off on the rest of the band.

“Alas, my brethren are yet to be true believers. Destiny brought this Newell P50 into our lives, and by God are we going to make the most of it. Once we install the wacky POMO interior and get the exhaust to shoot out bubbles they’ll embrace this fantastical starship of dreams,” said an enthusiastic and clueless Cuomo. “We’re gonna drive the Weezermobile around the country, playing festivals and solving mysteries with the power of rock and roll. Once the matching jumpsuits arrive the guys will truly understand my vision because we’re fooooour beeeeest frieeeeends!”

Weezer’s transportation manager privately told the band to just let Rivers’ obsession run its course.

“The guys are stressed dealing with this and trying to put on a show, but this’ll pass. Creative types sometimes go cuckoo when they’re on the road too long and they take the bonds of friendship a little too far. We call it going ‘full Partridge Family’ in the business,” said a weary Marco Bianchi. “I once worked on Pearl Jam’s bus in ‘98, and they only had one big bed and they all slept in together with matching pajamas. You either let it run its course or you sleep in the lighting truck.”

Later, the band could only look on in horror as Rivers unveiled the bus’ new paint job with “Weezermobile” and all four of their faces airbrushed on its side.

Yuck! I Accidentally Walked in on My Parents Falling In Love Again

Posted on by Evan Vest

When it comes to our parents, many thoughts and feelings may come to mind. “Are they proud of me? Am I living up to their expectations? What will I do when they’re gone?” Maybe you have happy memories with your parents, or maybe there are things you want to forget. No matter what the dynamic is between you and your parents, I think we can all agree that there is one thing about our parents that we would rather not think about. I’m talking about the certain thing our parents did that led to us existing in the first place. That’s right, I’m talking about the thought of our parents falling in love! Gross!!

I mean, Yes, of course, it had to happen at least once for me to be here today. That doesn’t mean that I spend time trying to visualize it like some freak. The last thing I want to think about is my dad sliding into my mom’s tight mailbox to drop off a love letter in the middle of the night expressing his feelings. I don’t want the image of my mom wiping creamy, white whipped cream from the corner of her mouth as they enjoy a milkshake together at a diner after the school dance getting lost in one another’s eyes. I would give more graphic examples but I trust you get the point.

I’ve been in the clear of such thoughts for a long time and the thoughts of my parents creating strong emotional bonds have been hidden safely in my subconscious. That is, until it all changed one fateful visit last week.

My parents have been trapped in an icy and loveless marriage for the better part of the decade, so I naturally thought I was in the clear when I recently came to their house to do my laundry and raid their fridge without saying hello to them. Imagine my surprise when I walked into the kitchen only to find my dad lovingly kissing my mom on the cheek while they prepared dinner together. I screamed and ran out of there as fast as I could.

After contemplating scooping out my eyes with a rusty spoon, I calmed down and tried to tell myself this was a freak accident that will never happen again. Maybe they both suddenly came down with a one-day amnesia that made them forget they hate each other. Unfortunately, the past few weeks have only gotten more disgusting with each subsequent visit. I’ve heard them upstairs working as a team to reorganize the guest room. I’ve caught them in the backyard, lazily sitting side by side on the deck soaking up the sun and recalling fond memories. I hate to admit it, but I think it will only get worse from here.

While I have hope that they will once again resume barely making eye contact or talking, the future looks bleak. Just today I found out that they now have a shared Facebook profile and I think I’m going to be sick.

Top Democrats Ask Netanyahu if “We’re Still Friends” After Trump Victory

Posted on by Chad Kubrak

WASHINGTON — House minority leader and top Democrat Hakeem Jeffries asked Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu if they are “still friends” following Donald Trump’s presidential election victory, confirmed sources.

“We’re a match made in friendship heaven, like Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart or the Joker and Two-Face. Most foreign policy plutonic love is so superficial in today’s world––folks bond over, what? Music? Hobbies? Lifestyles? We actually came together over real shit, like our shared interests in blowing shit up in parts of the world where we don’t live,” said Jefferies while carving “Democrats + Netanyahu” in a nearby tree. “But look, even if we can’t continue this little thing of ours, you have to know that the Dems are always in their corner. We’ll always be in their life. Even just as acquaintances, who can get nostalgic over supplying the bombs to take down a group of school children and hospitals. I just hope we still receive a Christmas card from them this year.”

Prime Minister Netanyahu believed the relationship would be different with Trump returning to office.

“I won’t say friendship is off the table. But it simply won’t be the same unless they can somehow still send us billions of dollars wrapped in a neat little bow every few months that’s personalized with a handwritten message,” Netanyahu explained. “In Israel, we admittedly admire the Democrats’ remarkable ability to use their pull to help foreign powers in need. On some level, we will always be partners in war crimes. But there comes a time in all politcal regimes’ lives where they have to come to terms with the fact that they can no longer fund our wars, in which case we can remain acquaintances who sometimes see each other on the weekends at a mutual friend’s international party.”

Experts believe that foreign relationships suffer as a result of a loss in political advantages.

“Most friendships among powerful figures are strictly transactional in nature,” said political strategist Lucy Fallweather. “In this case, Israel gets the funding they need to be the sole driver of genocide and the Democrats get to look like they’re not anti-semitic. You can squeeze a ton of capital out of the left if you just prey on their need to look sanctimonious, even if most of the time they fall on their face as a result. It’s like they never learn.”

At press time, Jeffries was seen making a mixtape for Netanyahu with his favorite songs in hopes of rekindling the friendship.

Metalhead Family Thanksgiving Argument About Whether or Not “Djent” is an Actual Genre

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

BOULDER, Colo. — An explosive dispute over genre semantics broke out at the Thanksgiving dinner of the three-generation metalhead Reeder family regarding the disputed progressive metal subgenre known as “djent,” several sources with tinnitus reported.

“For once, Thanksgiving was going great,” middle son Zakk Reeder said. “Then, ‘Bleed’ came up on shuffle, and Dad had to use the ‘D-word’ in front of Uncle Len. And of course, he flips his shit and goes into this whole rant about how djent isn’t a genre; it’s just a stupid made-up word used by people who like Meshuggah too much. Honestly, it could’ve gotten really ugly if Mom hadn’t thought to change the music to the Blood Incantation space ambient album.”

Patriarch Earl Reeder aggressively defended his use of the term, blaming his brother’s outburst on deep-seated insecurity from an unsuccessful foray into learning “the djent way.”

“Len is just pissy because he can’t palm mute for more than two bars at a time, and he knows it, to say nothing of his absolutely pathetic grasp on polyrhythms.” Reeder said. “For fuck’s sake, I didn’t get this mad at dinner back in 1995 when he said that ‘death ‘n’ roll’ was going to rule the new millennium. I’m just glad Mom and Dad aren’t here to see this. They’re in Denver seeing Tesseract. And by all reports, it’s ‘sick as hell.’”

Metal sociologist Dr. Catherine Fields says that these disputes are not entirely uncommon among this demographic, regardless of age.

“While it’s true that families of this sort tend to have more harmonious Thanksgivings then, say, the ones who send their kids to private school, it only takes one perceived unjust genre classification to turn everything upside down,” Dr. Fields said. “And pretty soon, everyone is riled up and citing arguments from message board threads that are over 20 years old at this point. Now, djent is by far the most represented in the scenarios, but I’ve also heard plenty of similar cases regarding the use of pornogrind, neocrust, and countless, countless others.”

At press time, sources confirmed the Reeders’ altercation was disrupted by one at the adjoining apartment over whether or not Depeche Mode “counts as goth.”