Every Dead Kennedys Album Ranked

Posted on by James Knapp

Look, if you know anything about the Dead Kennedys then nothing in this ranking will surprise you, so let’s make things interesting. I’ll list the albums in their proper order of quality, the way our lord and savior Jesus Christ intended, and instead of reviewing the album I’ll describe the affiliated lawsuit each album incurred. Sound good? No? Well fuck you, I’m doing it anyway.

4. Bedtime for Democracy (1986)

“Bedtime for Democracy” is the best effort in giving up that the band could muster at the time. Which is why the court case most closely associated with the album was actually a simple slip and fall case in which frontman Jello Biafra, fully racked up with a neck brace and only one crutch, hobbled out of the studio on the last day of recording. The singer claims to have tripped over a slice of loose carpeting in the booth, and that’s why this album blows.

Play it again: “Take This Job and Shove It”
Skip it: “Fleshdunce”

3. Frankenchrist. (1985)

Alright, alright, we all know about the penis lawsuit. The PMRC shit their collective khakis over the “Frankenchrist” album art. But did you know that the band was later sued again over the dick poster, this time by Tipper Gore alone. Apparently she eventually grew quite fond of the boner cavalcade after many a late night studying it over and over again at PMRC headquarters, and decided to sue the band again for, as it states in the court transcript, “opening [her] eyes to a bright and frightening world of sexual possibilities [she] never would have known otherwise.” In this context, it really adds new meaning to the lyric “invasion of the beef patrol.”

Play it again: “M.T.V. – Get of the Air”
Skip it: “Goons of Hazard”

2. Plastic Surgery Disasters (1982)

This runner-up of a record saw the band gettin dragged to court by the Peace Corps of all fucking things. This was because at the time recently passed legislation required all publicly distributed images of horrific global conflicts, famine and humanitarian disasters were required by law to be accompanied by an official Peace Corps “But We Tried” sticker. It’s unclear whether the band did not include this sticker as a protest or if someone at Alternative Tentacles just kinda forgot to throw it on there.

Play it again: “Moon Over Marin”
Skip it: “Winnebago Warrior”

1. Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables (1980)

“Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables” has all of DK’s best stuff. “Kill the Poor,” “Let’s Lynch the Landlord,” “California uber Alles,” fucking “Holiday In Cambodia” – it’s all there. What’s also there is the class action suit that was filed by Chiquita for defamation. The banana juggernaut claimed the band was slandering the quality of their produce “gratuitously and consistently.” Frankly we have no idea where they got that impression, but still, a judge found in favor of Chiquita and forced the band to pay out $479 million dollars for hurting the multi-billion dollar corporation’s feelings.

Play it again: “Kill the Poor”
Skip it: “Funland at the Beach”

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10 Best Grunge Bands That Aren’t Nirvana So You Can Identify Posers Who Claim to Love the ‘90s

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

Back when we were a proper country, rock stars were real men who wore spandex, fetish gear, and more hairspray than a Jersey housewife. Thankfully, a little band called Nirvana came along and their grunge sound put an end to whatever the hell those other jagoffs were supposed to be.

While Nirvana was at the forefront and continues to be the standard bearer of the genre, it was more than just them. There was a diverse array of bands whose legions of impersonators continue to audibly torture us to this day. Here are ten of them:

Punk Avoids Paying Taxes for Sixth Straight Year by Not Knowing How to File

Posted on by Rob Ryder

FREDERICK, Md. – Local Punk Jake Mitchell avoided paying any federal or state taxes for the sixth straight year simply by failing to acquire even the slightest bit of knowledge of how to do so, confirmed multiple sources wondering if they could do the same.

“Once I was on my own I knew that it was something people do every year. I took one step into H&R Block and they’re coming at me with, ‘do you have all your paperwork?’ ‘do you have your I48983 form’ and ‘you can’t bring a pet rat into this office,’ it was just straight harassment,” said Mitchell. “My brother turned me onto Tubrotax, but no shit, he gave me a CD. Who the fuck has a CD drive anymore? When I worked at the Mini-Mart I remember them giving me a W2. I felt like it was all written in Latin or something. I haven’t seen that much useless information since I read the liner notes of a Blink-182 album.”

Mitchell’s older brother David has heard about his brother’s tax troubles and even sympathizes with him in some way.

“Honestly, it should be pretty easy for him. I think he only made like $750 last year. He had like four jobs but he would get fired from each one after about a week,” said the elder Mitchell from his office where he specializes in real estate law. “He doesn’t have any bank accounts or any possessions of value. Even his supposed career managing bands doesn’t really change anything. What’s he gonna do, write off the cost of a Vandals T-Shirt and a few cans of PBR?”

IRS Agent Sandra Lewis says she is familiar with Mitchell’s delinquency and has been following his case for the past three years.

“Yes, we are well aware of his tax evasion. We don’t have the resources to go after large corporations cheating the system, but we have an abundance of agents ready to track down low-income tax cheats. Our system uses a sophisticated algorithm to not only find, but track these criminals as they move around,” said Lewis. “He’s good, he’s real good. Changing his address every few months, keeping his income off the books, going by various aliases like Skunk, Cucumber, and Bigfoot, he doesn’t even own a car! It seems like a crazy life, but that’s what you gotta do to stay ahead of the law.”

At press time, the IRS doubled its resources into the investigation of Mitchell after further details revealed he owes the federal government $47.

We Sat Down With a Straight Edge Doom Metal Fan to Figure Out His Deal

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

Most doom metal fans love weed so when we saw a guy with X’s tattooed on his hands drinking Shirley Temples at the bar before an Electric Wizard show, we had to sit down with him and figure out his deal.

Lucky for us, 25-year-old straight edge doom metal fan Dave Shepherd was eager to chat about how he manages to listen to “Dopethrone” and “Dopesmoker” without smoking dope.

The Hard Times: Hey man, cool tats. Are you straight edge by any chance?
Dave Shepherd: You know it! I’m probably the only straight edge person here but I don’t give a shit. Someone’s gotta be the designated driver and I’m the only one who isn’t fucked up tonight.

Oh, so you’re not that into the band then?
No way, I’ve been waiting ages to see Electric Wizard! I’ll admit that I didn’t know all the words to “Funeralopolis” the first time I saw them, but their performance was an experience unlike any other. I felt like I was floating on a cloud of darkness above an evil castle. God, their set ruled.

That sounds really trippy. Are you sure you’re straight edge?
Sure as hell! I’m actually allergic to weed so my eyes got all red half an hour into the show. I ended up going to the back of the crowd to get away from the smell. Normally I try to get as close to the barricade as possible but I have to be careful not to break edge at doom shows.

So going to doom shows isn’t an edge break, but being too close to the front is?
Most straight edge elders say you can see as many shows as you want as long as you never inhale. Using protection also helps. I wore a gas mask to Sleep’s 4/20 show last year and had a great time. I actually got that idea from the straight edge guys on the “Dopesmoker” album cover.

The straight edge guys?
They wear cloaks to keep their X tattoos out of the sun and gas masks to prevent themselves from inhaling smoke in the riff-filled land. If that’s not edge, I don’t know what is.

10 Biggest Sellouts From Back When People Cared About Stuff Like That

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Thanks to platforms like social media and YouTube, selling out isn’t really a thing anymore. But back in the days when record companies had a stranglehold on all large-scale music distribution platforms, some artists would actively change their sound after signing to a major label. This caused many artists to be labeled “sellouts,” sometimes even before they released any new music. Here are 10 “sellouts” from back in the day when people actually cared about stuff like that.

Man Fails to Hide Anal Cunt Poster in Background of Work Call

Posted on by Charles Bill

BETHESDA, Md. – Local accountant Peter Wombach reportedly failed to successfully hide a signed Anal Cunt poster in the background of a work Zoom call, sources already in conversation with HR report.

“About 15 minutes into the meeting I realized I didn’t cover my Anal Cunt poster with my ‘I’m With Her’ campaign poster from 2016 and I had to get creative,” said Wombach while grinning maniacally. “Framing a Zoom call is an art, and I am Michelangelo. I have a map to my right, so people think I like maps and nerd shit like that. To my left is a picture of my dog in case I need to start a conversation, and above me is my Anal Cunt poster. I got it signed after Seth Putnam fucked my girlfriend in Reykjavik and he felt bad about it. It’s only barely out of view, so it feels kinda dirty to have it like, right there. And even if someone saw it, no one knows what it is but me due to the borderline illegible font. What a thrill.”

Other members of Wombach’s firm were not as confident in the poster’s subtlety.

“The words ‘anal cunt’ were directly above his head, almost like a title,” said irritated manager Sandra Tyler. “We kept trying to call him out on it, but he constantly deflected, thinking that we were talking about his maps or his ugly greyhound. I told him to examine his framing, but he told me that he would circle back with me offline, and there’s really no comeback to that. I’ll talk to him later about what’s appropriate on Zoom calls, and why Dying Fetus is so much better than his dogshit taste.”

Anal Cunt’s public relations team have recently started using this incident as a lesson in Zoom etiquette.

“You need to be careful, because most corpo-drones are fucking pussies,” said publicist Reggie Ryan. “Show up for Zoom calls early, dress well, and never visibly cut yourself with razor blades unless you’re sure everyone is cool with it. Try to cover up your badass posters with wussy shit like Radiohead. That will let your coworkers feel cool about their music taste and distract them from the fact that you’re naked from the waist down.”

At press time, Wombach was called into a meeting about his performance, and forgot to hide the vial of GG Allin’s semen he bought on eBay.

Every Streetlight Manifesto Album Ranked

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Streetlight Manifesto is a hard band to classify. They blend many genres into songs of epic length that are packed densely with so many riffs and hooks you can re-listen to their albums countless times and still notice something new. Fortunately, they have horns so we can just call them ska. Anyway, this ska band has experienced some massive trials and tribulations just trying to release these records, so we at the Hard Times figured the least we could do was perch on a throne of melted brass instruments and judge them like a ska king.

5. 99 Songs of Revolution Vol. 1 (2010)

This cover album came out when Streetlight Manifesto was vying to be released from their totally not predatory contract with Victory Records. The plan was to release like 9 of these things as they ran out the required number of albums on their record contract. We’re still waiting on 8 of ’em. In the meantime, this record is full of obscure, interesting, and unexpected covers that are a really fun listen, but it doesn’t hold a candle to the band’s original material.

Play it again: “Such Great Heights”
Skip it: “Skyscraper”

 

 

4. The Hands That Thieve (2013)

Remember when Streetlight was attempting to finish out their record contract with cover albums? Well, Victory Records wasn’t exactly into that so the band went back to finish their obligatory 5th album on the label with original material. “The Hands That Thieve” (I wonder where they got the idea for that title) is a perfect encapsulation of what Streetlight Manifesto does: write catchy, genre-defying sing-a-long anthems at blistering speed. After the album was released, the band was free to go from their contract and- oh wait, no. Victory decided the cover album didn’t count towards their contract, and when the band refused to make more music for them, Victory sued Streetlight for a million dollars and refused to release this record. While you can stream the record anywhere now, for quite some time after its “release” you could only pirate the record, which was heavily encouraged by the band.

Play it again: “The Littlest Things”
Skip it: “Toe to Toe”

3. Keasbey Nights (2006)

Ahh, what a classic. “Keasbey Nights” is, of course, the record that singer/songwriter Tomas Kalnoky made with his previous band, Catch 22. It was going to be re-released by the label under the name “Streetlight Manifesto” but the band decided to pay out of pocket to re-record it for the release. These are the same amazing songs that many have argued launched the “4th Wave” of ska. While some believe the songs on this record don’t have the same heart as the original, they are performed much tighter, plus this album includes Jim Conti’s God-tier backing vocals.

 

Play it again: “Sick and Sad”
Skip it: “This One Goes Out To…”

2. Everything Goes Numb (2003)

After quitting Catch 22 five years prior, Tomas Kalnoky returned to music with a new band and this album. Streetlight Manifesto took the next-level-ska sound Toh-Kay created on “Keasbey Nights” and refined it into the signature sound this band has been known for since. These songs are much darker than Keasbey and the passion behind them is clear with every note and lyric. One could argue that this is their best record and we’d say that’s fair but you’re also a hipster who only likes “their older stuff.”

Play it again: Failing, Flailing
Skip it: The Saddest Song

 

1. Somewhere in the Between (2007)

This is Streetlight Manifesto’s epic masterpiece about life and death and the beyond. The songs manage to be catchy earworms despite the epic length and sheer number of sections and riffs in each song. The production is uncanny and the rhythm section of Chris Thatcher and Pete McCullough is worth focusing on for entire listens of this record.

Play it again: “The Receiving End of it All”
Skip it: “One Foot on the Gas, One Foot in the Grave”

Aging Metalhead Feeling Pathetic After Hearing Darkthrone’s “Summer of the Diabolical Holocaust” in the Grocery Store

Posted on by John Danek

ARLINGTON, Va. — Ryan Trent, a lifelong metalhead in his late 40s, is having a crisis of identity after hearing Darkthrone’s black metal scorcher “Summer of the Diabolical Holocaust” while shopping at Harris Teeter, worried friends reported.

“It’s disturbing to hear music you once thought was iconoclastic and edgy used as background music while buying cereal,” admits Trent, who regularly vacations in Norway and Sweden to visit beloved metal record stores. “As I was rounding the canned vegetables aisle, the Wallflower’s ‘One Headlight’ was finishing up, which makes sense for grocery store radio. Then I heard the explosive beginning of ‘Summer of the Diabolical Holocaust’ with Noctruno Culto shrieking his head off, and stopped in my tracks. ‘No, no, this can’t be’ I muttered. But it was. It was true…”

Employees at the Arlington grocery store claim they are slowly being driven mad by the banal tunes played over the store’s PA system.

“Uggh, I’m so sick of all this ersatz boomer music, like Bob Seger, Melissa Etheridge, and Darkthrone. I’m tempted to stab some Pocky sticks into my ears so I go deaf in order to escape this pointless noise,” exclaimed cashier Marissa Wright, who was recently reprimanded for playing 100 Gecs over the store PA. “‘Summer of the Diabolical Holocaust’ plays like twice per day, I can’t believe that people thought it was cool at one point in time. All I hear is bland, boring waiting room music. I bet they already use it in a Cialis commercial.”

Members of Darkthrone expressed surprising emotions at having their once-irreverent music being used as sonic filler in public.

“It’s fucking great! I get some extra royalties and still never have to play a live show as long as I live,” boasted founding member and drummer Fenriz. “The older I get, the more I appreciate just chilling out. When I was a teen, it was all hate and setting churches on fire. Nowadays, I’m more into techno, raw denim, and perfecting my pour-over coffee technique. Let the kids worry about being edgy and kvlt, I have some Ethiopian yirgacheffee beans to try.”

Those close to Trent report he has cut off all communication with the outside world after learning that Taylor Swift has been covering Mayhem’s “De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas” in her recent concerts.

Man Appreciates A24 Horror Films for Including Long Pauses Where He Can Explain Plot to His Date

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

LOS ANGELES — Local cinephile Lucas Glazier praised the slow pacing of A24 horror films for giving him the opportunity to explain important plot details, homages, and easter eggs his date “likely” missed, sources terrified for all the wrong reasons confirmed.

“Long pauses are actually a brilliant way for filmmakers to build tension throughout their films while giving true horror fans space to point out details to casual, plebeian viewers,” Glazier explained while hogging a popcorn bowl. “In an age where fast-paced films squeeze in two kills before I finish my spiel about the opening scene was actually a subtle nod to Hammer horror, it’s refreshing how A24’s films take their sweet time getting to the action. Thank god Ari Aster sticks so many lingering shots of naked old men in his films, forcing my dates to look away from the screen and into my eyes while I wax poetic about his directing.”

Hailey Welch, who met Glazier on Letterboxd, described her date with him as “elevated.”

“Turns out ‘Hereditary’ is an absolutely harrowing date movie,” Welch said while giving the film a four-star review. “Every time the pace slowed down, I wasn’t sure whether to cover my eyes because of the nude cultists or cover my ears before Lucas pointed out all the nude dick and balls represented Toni Colette’s grief. But I have to admit that his commentary was pretty insightful at some points. Hearing him explain how the makeup designer used prosthetics and a fake head for the telephone pole decapitation scene made me less grossed out by all the close-up gore. Unfortunately, I still felt kind of queasy because he was leaning in really close and clearly hadn’t thought to take a mint before the movie.”

Director Ari Aster admitted the long pauses in his films were intentional.

“Cinema is meant to start conversations and inspire viewers to ask questions, usually questions of how many people get decapitated in my films or whether I have a good therapist,” Aster said after a long silence. “Also, the higher-ups at A24 are always asking me to make scenes as slow as possible so there’s more room for commentary on the DVD bonus features. How else am I supposed to get through all the Paimon lore without alienating my audience?”

At press time, Glazier was seen frantically putting a “Hereditary ending explained” article through a thesaurus in order to sound smarter while explaining it to his next hookup.

Acoustic 100 gecs Show Somehow Leaves Dozens With Permanent Hearing Loss

Posted on by Sam Eardley

ST. LOUIS – Hyperpop icons 100 gecs shook local coffee shop The Brewstory to its foundations with an intimate acoustic show that seemed to defy all known laws of sound, newly-deafened sources confirmed.

“I thought seeing an unplugged Gecs show would be a low-stress way to make me seem cool, but now I guess my hearing is trashed forever?” whimpered local 38-year-old Mark Disley, wiping a trickle of blood from his ear. “They came out with acoustic guitars, no mics, and some Rube Goldberg-looking assortment of weird objects that I guess was their effects rack, and within seconds I was pinned to the back of the room with the sheer volume. Half the crowd staggered out after two songs, and the other half, who were all, like, 17-year-olds, rolled their eyes at us and called us ‘little piss-babies’.”

Laura Les, one half of the paradigm-shifting duo, explained their approach for the show at The Brewstory.

“Yeah, we thought it’d be nice to take it down a notch from our usual shows, create more of a chill vibe,” said Les while hitting a cotton-candy-flavored vape. “But we still wanted it to slap, so we just put together a pretty basic acoustic signal chain. We aim the guitars into the horn of a haunted gramophone, then run the sound through the plumbing of the coffee shop, do parallel compression through 16 on-fire bassoons, and resonate it in the carcass of a sperm whale. Comes out at about 120 decibels, which is barely louder than a small jumbo jet. Pretty mellow, really.”

Audiologist Dr. Joyce Amoako offered her scientific opinion on the show.

“I’ve studied sound and hearing for 40 years, and I’m completely stumped,” said Amoako. “Hearing damage on this scale should not be possible from an entirely unamplified performance in such a small, intimate setting. A survivor of this incident told me he saw one of the so-called ‘musicians’ pluck a 40 Hz sine wave out of the air, perform a manual linear fold on it, then thread it through the ears of a man in the front row like floss. These are sick, dangerous individuals.”

At press time, the band were seen diligently sweeping up the smashed panes of glass that they had used for all their snare hits.