FREDERICK, Md. – Local Punk Jake Mitchell avoided paying any federal or state taxes for the sixth straight year simply by failing to acquire even the slightest bit of knowledge of how to do so, confirmed multiple sources wondering if they could do the same.
“Once I was on my own I knew that it was something people do every year. I took one step into H&R Block and they’re coming at me with, ‘do you have all your paperwork?’ ‘do you have your I48983 form’ and ‘you can’t bring a pet rat into this office,’ it was just straight harassment,” said Mitchell. “My brother turned me onto Tubrotax, but no shit, he gave me a CD. Who the fuck has a CD drive anymore? When I worked at the Mini-Mart I remember them giving me a W2. I felt like it was all written in Latin or something. I haven’t seen that much useless information since I read the liner notes of a Blink-182 album.”
Mitchell’s older brother David has heard about his brother’s tax troubles and even sympathizes with him in some way.
“Honestly, it should be pretty easy for him. I think he only made like $750 last year. He had like four jobs but he would get fired from each one after about a week,” said the elder Mitchell from his office where he specializes in real estate law. “He doesn’t have any bank accounts or any possessions of value. Even his supposed career managing bands doesn’t really change anything. What’s he gonna do, write off the cost of a Vandals T-Shirt and a few cans of PBR?”
IRS Agent Sandra Lewis says she is familiar with Mitchell’s delinquency and has been following his case for the past three years.
“Yes, we are well aware of his tax evasion. We don’t have the resources to go after large corporations cheating the system, but we have an abundance of agents ready to track down low-income tax cheats. Our system uses a sophisticated algorithm to not only find, but track these criminals as they move around,” said Lewis. “He’s good, he’s real good. Changing his address every few months, keeping his income off the books, going by various aliases like Skunk, Cucumber, and Bigfoot, he doesn’t even own a car! It seems like a crazy life, but that’s what you gotta do to stay ahead of the law.”
At press time, the IRS doubled its resources into the investigation of Mitchell after further details revealed he owes the federal government $47.