Hardcore Band Preemptively Starts GoFundMe To Get Ahead of Inevitable Van Accident 

Posted on by Mike Maher

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local hardcore outfit Prayer Grave started a preemptive GoFundMe to pay for the crippling debt they’ll one day incur from their inevitable van accident, sources close to the soon-to-be shit-out-of-luck band confirmed.

“Look, getting in a catastrophic van wreck is just part of paying your dues in the hardcore scene,” vocalist Donny Fagerbakke said. “Except we’re skipping the whole paying part and getting ahead of those dues with a proactive GoFundMe to ‘precoup’ our losses. We’ve already raised $40,000, which despite what the subreddits have claimed, was not spent on brand new gear or all the luxury hotels we’ve stayed at on tour.”

Longtime fan Jay Hamm didn’t hesitate to donate, but has some doubts. 

“Prayer Grave are my boys, yo! I’d do anything for them. Even play bass,” Hamm said. “So I wanna make sure they’re financially set up for that unavoidable day when their shitty van cartwheels over a jersey barrier into oncoming traffic. I gotta be straight though. Their goal of $5 million dollars seems a bit steep, even with America’s broke-ass healthcare system. But I ain’t judging. I’m still raising money for them through some cuck play on my girl’s OnlyFans. It supports the band and the top donor wins a gig as their full-time van driver! How fire is that?!”

Dr. Merv Willoughby, head physician at Upstate Trauma Center and author of New York Times bestseller “Get In The Van Accident,” supports the precautionary crowdfunding.

“I’ve seen it all,” Willoughby said. “Femoral arteries tourniqueted with unsold band shirts. Bass players impaled by a Gibson Flying V. Bones sticking out of tattoos like goddamn Pinhead. The only thing I haven’t seen? A band with insurance. They always say, ‘My crew’s all the coverage I need!’ No, you need to eat and shit through a tube for the rest of your life. Think your split 7” with Integrity will foot that bill? Since most hardcore bands are touring around in a repurposed handi-van on bald tires during an ice storm in the middle of Fucksville, USA with the village merch table idiot behind the wheel, Prayer Grave’s preemptive GoFundMe is a refreshingly smart move for a bunch of dumb kids who make stupid music.”  

At press time, Prayer Grave also started a second preemptive GoFundMe to offset Fagerbakke’s inevitable sexual harassment lawsuit fees.

Tesla Hides Drive Mode Behind Subscription Paywall

Posted on by S.L. Neechski

AUSTIN, Texas — Tesla CEO and impossibly moronic manchild Elon Musk announced this week that Tesla will begin locking the drive mode of its cars behind a monthly subscription, X-addicted sources confirmed.

“Because of the touchscreen controls of a Tesla, when you drive one you’re actually playing a video game, but in real life,” explained Musk, chopping up lines of Ketamine. “Thusfore, if game developers like Ubivision or Rockstar Blizzards use subscription models for simple stuff like gun and character skins, then it makes double-sense for Tesla. We’re a for-profit business, after all. They have games as a service, so we’re gonna have cars as a service. For as little as $8.99 per month, you can drive your very own Tesla that you’ve already purchased. For just three bucks more, you can even subscribe to your vehicle’s windshield wipers.”

Cybertruck owner and Tesla shareholder Dylan Wolcott defended the company’s decision to use a paywall.

“My boy Elon’s constantly innovating in the technology space because he’s a goddamn super-genius, bruh,” said Wolcott, sporting a Dogecoin t-shirt. “He’s turned a car into a cash register — cha-ching, motherfuckers! And monetizing driving, the defining characteristic of a car, guarantees every owner is gonna pay out the ass. I guess that includes me. Still, my Tesla shares are going to the fucking moon! My portfolio’s gonna get me laid hardcore.”

Industry analyst Ryan Bellning discussed the reasoning behind the paywall.

“I’m in no way surprised by this desperate ploy, given that Musk’s megalomania has done its best to, ahem, drive Tesla’s respectability into the ground,” observed Bellning. “Musk has the temperament and emotional intellect of a child, but even he’s realized his paycheck depends on share price. So, after Tesla locked self-driving behind a subscription, it was only a matter of time — or perhaps a matter of K-holes — before he did the same with regular driving to prop up the stock. I’m sure he sees himself as some arch supervillain, but he’s closer to that kid with an impulse-control problem from ‘Blank Check.’”

At press time, Musk also announced that Tesla will start a Grok-powered billing system for every use of the brakes.

Opinion: All Packaging Is Sustainable if You Eat It

Posted on by RJ Atkinson

So there I was, already late to my buddy’s house show because snipping all the plastic beer rings was taking forever. I thought to myself, “Hey, it’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta keep the turtles from playing with them.” But as my hand started to cramp up, I had another thought. Which was “There’s gotta be a better way. Also, I’m kinda hungry.”

I guess that’s two thoughts. Anyway, I combined these two seemingly disjointed notions into one really good idea. Maybe even the most important idea in history.

So without hesitation, I started devouring the beer rings. It was tough at first, but after a few minutes, I didn’t mind all the blood coming from my gums. Plus, I could mostly breathe while swallowing. I’d say the turtles could learn a few anti-suffocation techniques from me, but pretty soon they won’t need to. Because everyone will be eating their packaging too. 

Now, like all revolutionary ideas, the powers-that-be don’t care for mine. I learned this the hard way during a checkup, when my doctor said I needed to stop, and that he’s only ever had to extract cardboard from dogs before. Anyway, while he kept yammering on and on about internal bleeding, all I could think about was how Big Recycling had gotten to him. And that he was just a low-level bootlicker wrapped up in their criminal enterprise.

Now, I don’t know why the recycling barons are trying to silence me. But my working theory is that the entire operation is run by the mob, and their plan is to kill off 90% of all marine life. Thereby cornering the seafood market. That, or they’re all just jealous I thought of it first. 

In conclusion, I didn’t know it was possible to feel this proud or have this much blood in your stool. But hey, nobody said being a visionary was easy. And while the price of my gastroenterologist visits has plunged me hopelessly into medical debt, you can’t put a price on saving the environment. Anyway, I’m just glad scientists can stop spending all that money trying to develop plastic-eating bacteria and start using those funds to make aluminum taste better.

Band Announces They’ve Parted Ways With Guy Who Wrote the Music, Named the Band

Posted on by Kevin Tit

GLEN BURNIE, Md. — Popular alt-funk band Transit announced they were parting ways with lead guitarist Wayne Lee, who was primarily known for writing all the songs and coming up with the group’s name, multiple sources confirm.

“I should’ve saw this coming after they changed the the practice studio locks on me,” said Lee. “Okay, so just because they kicked me out of the band right when we started making big money per gig, doesn’t mean I’m holding some sort of grudge. Sure, I founded the band, came up with the name, wrote the riffs, penned all the lyrics, hand-drew the merch, booked the nationwide tour, directed all of our music videos, recorded and produced our albums, and got us signed to a major label, but that doesn’t mean I’m out here talking shit to anyone who will listen. I mean, I am. But I’m not bitter or anything!”

Members of Transit were firm on their decision.

“What I’m about to tell you is just between you, me and that little tape recorder you have there, okay?” asked vocalist Barry Gates. “This has kind of been the plan for the band from the beginning. Wayne was undeniably the best guitar player in town and a savant at generating band names at the drop of a hat. I mean, he was the brain child behind STACKED 2 HEAVEN before they kicked him out because all that creative power went to his head. We agreed that we would make a new band around him. He could write the songs, tell us what to play, and even name the band. We didn’t care. All we knew was that once we got that call from KFC asking to use our music in their commercial, he was history.”

Many in the music industry are convinced that situations like these are not isolated incidents.

“This isn’t the first time we’ve reported on something like this,” explained music journalist Alex Cole. “Since 2021, more and more people in our field have been uncovering situations like this in various scenes across the globe. A prominent member of a notable band becomes the sole reason they even have fans in the first place, but is kicked to the curb. Once a band gets popular enough on social media, we begin to see a transition. Then by the next press run we typically notice a familiar face has gone missing.”

At press time, Lee announced the formation of his new group called the Wayne Lee Band, but was kicked out six weeks later.

Drummer With Song Idea Pretends They Got It From ChatGPT 

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

MINNEAPOLIS — Maku Lee, drummer for punk band Meatsleeves, attempted to pass off a song idea as having come from ChatGPT, sources confirmed.

“The band barely allows me to talk, much less bring up a song idea. During breaks in practice, the bassist and I just go into a corner and stare at the wall. Even when I pretend to be a fan online, they know it’s me, because apparently our audience ‘doesn’t give a furry shit’ about moving the snare to the three during breakdowns,” Lee said. “Still, I had this amazing idea to rework our hit ‘Fuck Fascists into the Sun, and Then Also Fuck Them There, Too’ into an a cappella number. People love retro, right? So instead of telling the band this idea came from me, I gave myself some cover and told them ChatGPT dreamed it up.”

Once again, the band rejected Lee’s idea.

“I’ve fired people before for bad ideas, but I’ve never been brained like that. It almost made me puke. Then, after a minute, I did puke,” said Faye Tully, the band’s manager. “I fired Maku on the spot for using ChatGPT at all. Fuck that technocratic bullshit. I rehired Maku a minute later so that I could fire them a second time for being a drummer with a song idea. Maku stormed off, but I called ‘em back, apologized for overreacting, rehired them, and then fired them thricely. You simply cannot fuck with ‘Fuck Fascists into the Sun, and Then Also Fuck Them There, Too,’ because it’s the only song people will turn out for at our shows. We stick it at the end of the playlist to give our merch guy time to score chalk for us.”

ChatGPT denied any involvement.

“I’m sorry, you’re right. A capella is a terrible choice for that song,” ChatGPT said in an exclusive chat box. “The world can only tolerate one a capella group or notable performance at a time. While Pentatonix holds the spot now, Rockapella did before that group, just as The Persuasions did prior to that. None of these acts occupied the same time period as the other. If there’s anything else you need help with, I’m just a tap away!”

As of press time, Meatsleeves replaced Lee with two drummers as an extra “fuck you,” and now carries the burden of explaining why there needs to be two drummers.

The Next Breakfast Club? These White Teenagers Won’t Stop Complaining About Fucking Everything

Posted on by Steve Packosky

It seems like most people had a John Hughes phase at some point while they were growing up. Whether it was Sixteen Candles, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, or Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, these iconic movies of the eighties hold a special place in many of our hearts. Well, it seems like things have come full circle, because I believe the next iteration of the Breakfast Club is standing in front of me in the Target self-checkout line. Seriously, these five white teenagers won’t stop complaining about fucking everything.

Jesus Christ, they just won’t let up. Whether it’s the line’s slow movement or the store’s temperature not being warm enough, there doesn’t seem to be any aspect of their current surroundings that they’re not willing to bitch about. I feel like I’m standing behind Emilio Estevez’s character, trying to make himself appear to be the victim as he’s recounting how he physically bullied a weaker classmate, or Anthony Michael Hall’s character whining about his botched woodshop project, all while they lounge unsupervised in the lavish library of their comfortably-funded high school in the northern suburbs of Chicago. Seriously, count your blessings, assholes.

Ugh, goddamnit, now they’re complaining about the self-checkout machine. Is there anything these modern-day Saturday detention attendees are grateful for? Honestly, I’m sorry the barcode on the can of your Sparkling Grape Rush Celsius isn’t scanning properly, but that doesn’t give you leave to have a full-on meltdown in front of the underpaid and overworked Target employee. Seriously, this is more cringe-inducing than Molly Ringwald’s character crying about how difficult being popular is. Goddamnit, do these idiots have any idea what life is like for teenagers in the third world? A little self-awareness would go a long way for them.

Seriously, why can’t I be living out the next version of one of John Hughes’ cool movies, like Weird Science or Uncle Buck? Hell, even Curly Sue would be better than this. Having to listen to a group of teens whine about the system that inordinately favors them is something I really didn’t enjoy in the movie theater, and it’s certainly not something I enjoy when I’m just trying to run into the store real quick to pick up paper towels.

Oh god, the teenagers just got in line at the Starbucks near the entrance. Time for me to dip out of here so I don’t have to witness them making the barista’s life a living hell, too.

98th Academy Awards Caters To Younger Moviegoers by Repeatedly Explaining It’s an Award Show

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES – The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has employed a new strategy to engage younger moviegoers for the 98th Academy Awards ceremony by having presenters explain every 15 minutes to the viewers that they are handing out Oscar statues because it’s an award show, producers have confirmed.

“If great films are going to flourish, this year’s Oscar ceremony needs to grab hold of the attention of young viewers. But the moment any winner goes self indulgent, meandering acceptance speeches, we’ll lose out to TikTok almost immediately. So we’ve borrowed Netflix’s filmmaking approach and asked all presenters to look into the camera and loudly explain that this is an award show for movies, specifically the good ones,” said producer Mike Sweeney. “Sure, repeatedly interrupting the flow of the evening to remind the audience why celebrities are handing out statues to other celebrities will ruin the immersion of those who aren’t chronically online. But it was either this or have the winners announced via Amber Alert warnings, and most people have that feature turned off anyway.”

Some of the show’s writers admitted they felt retooling the show cheapened the accolades.

“I can’t believe we got Conan O’Brien to host the show again, and instead of pitching jokes we have to put all our creative energy into describing in great detail that the awards are divided into different categories and having presenters talk about themselves in the third person,” said staff writer Greg Carter. “I mean, the ‘in memoriam’ segment is going to take forever since we have to explain over and over what that means, and what death is, and that it’s not an award for dying.”

Network executives at ABC were looking forward to the new format.

“With presenters having to incessantly repeat who they are and what they’re doing here, we’ll tack on two hours more of runtime, which means we can sell twice as much advertising space. Think of all the Kalshi ads! Hell, read the definition of what a movie is from the dictionary for all we care,” said executive Brian Johnston. “If this works out, we’re totally overhauling next year’s Grammy Awards to take place entirely in a record store and explain how music can also exist on physical media.”

As of press time, stagehands have reportedly completed a massive 30-foot LCD screen that will play Subway Surfers during the acceptance speeches.

Man Baby Rebrands as Silly Guy

Posted on by Violet Meeker

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local man baby Tim Jeffers is looking to tweak his identity to be a silly guy, confirmed sources.

“My ex-girlfriend told me if I didn’t grow up, nobody would take me seriously,” Jeffers explained, sucking on a Zynn like a pacifier. “It was time, according to all the women in my life. But I thought to myself: I’m not going to be one of those serious guys who knows how to tie a tie or has a savings account, I want to be the type of guy that is such a silly goose you never really get to know the real me. Nobody can point a finger because they’re laughing so hard at my hilarious quips, like that time I dazzled everyone at a party with my puns. They thought it was so funny that they all had to leave the room and not talk to me the rest of the night.”

Ex-girlfriend Lea Davis wasn’t buying the rebrand.

“He took me on one actual date in three years, and he wore sweatpants and conveniently forgot his wallet,” said Davis. “You know where we went? The ‘lounge’ inside the Great Wolf Lodge that his cousin was staying at. I got a pina colada that tasted like piss and a grilled skewer of some kind that I can only describe as possum-adjacent. Now that he’s a silly guy, I’m sure he’ll be the same exact person but with more dad jokes. That’s somehow worse.”

Experts warned about the alarming transition to silly guy.

“Silly guys are just man babies who are comedy hacks,” offered psychologist Ruth Vintera. “Interestingly enough, both man babies and silly guys are the result of the male loneliness epidemic, if you believe in that kind of thing. But don’t worry, man babies looking to graduate to silly guys usually won’t last long in that phase. Hopefully, with a little luck, they’ll rebrand as an adult. But you’ll know that they’re actually still in man baby form if they use the term ‘adulting.’ No adult says that.”

At press time, a maturing Jeffers hoped to rebrand as a wife guy, but didn’t even have a girlfriend.

I Wrote a Song About Cotton Eyed Joe Stealing My Woman for Catharsis but They Just Keep Dancing to It

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

My name is Jed, and I’m ready to tell my story. Many years ago, I had just about the most gorgeous gal a man could ever dream of—my beautiful Sally May. I never even got into her petticoats, because we were real proper. But we was engaged to be married, and I could hardly wait for that magical moment when we would, as man and wife, knock boots.

But then this rapscallion Cotton Eyed Joe swept into town from God knows where like a rotted tumbleweed. He bewitched every woman. But especially my Sally May. She told me I had nothing to worry about, but I caught them out behind the barn acting how the cows and bulls do during mating season.

After that, I never saw him or my Sally May again.

Well, there was nothing left for an old country boy like me to do but pick up my gee-tar and sing the blues. It started real simple, with the truth: If it hadn’t been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I’d a’been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go?

I didn’t know if it was any good, I just knew it was what my soul needed. Once I was done, I wanted to sing my sorrow from the mountaintops.

But I settled for an open mic at a local hoedown.

Now, normally, when you tell your friends your woman has left you, they don’t start line dancing and hootin’ and hollerin’, but I am a simple man, and I have a lot of learning to do about this here modern world. 

Pretty soon, I was shoved into a recording booth, and it was all over the place. Then even sooner, people who know a whole lot more about music than me were making what they call “covers.”

I expected that renditions of such a mournful ballad would honor the original pathos and take it to the next level, much like Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You.” Still, I had yet more to learn because that’s not what God and the world of Swedish Eurodance had planned for me.

I suppose I should take comfort in the fact that even if I can’t have my Sally May, my song has brought people’s crotches and butts together on the dance floor, and that might be a beautiful thing.

Mötley Crüe Fans Disappointed After Nikki Sixx Discusses Time He Had Actual Consensual Sex With Someone

Posted on by Stephen Bell

LOS ANGELES — Fans of the ‘80s hair metal band Mötley Crüe are reportedly heartbroken and disgusted after hearing bassist Nikki Sixx describe a time that he engaged in an undoubtedly consensual encounter with a woman, according to several sources. 

“Nikki is dead to me,” said headbanger and Mötley Crüe fan since 1986 Leon Sprague. “A rock ‘n’ roll lifestyle requires that any sexual encounter must be mediated with the assistance of drugs or alcohol. It is especially helpful if these encounters involve secretly switching out partners in the middle of intercourse without the knowledge of the other person. I swear I’ll never listen to Mötley Crüe again. Not that I could anyway because I blew out my ear drums by listening to too much metal at full volume. Either way, ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’ just doesn’t hit the same anymore, I imagine.”

Sixx spoke out in his defense in response to his anecdote.

“Guys, let me tell you something, I never knew how good consensual sober sex could be,” said Sixx while sipping on a non-alcoholic strawberry daiquiri. “Yes, I had sex with a woman who was not under the influence and was also not under my employ. She also explicitly stated on videotape ‘I want to have sex with you Nikki’ and then provided me with three separate forms of government ID confirming that she was well over the age of 18. She even signed an affidavit attesting to the fact that everything happened was consensual. I forget where I was going with this but hey it was nice that for once I can recall what happened the next day.”

Rock ‘n’ roll expert Caroline Rede says this isn’t the first time fans have been disappointed by a musician’s behavior. 

“There’s a plethora of rock ‘n’ roll scandals we could cover that upset fans,” stated Rede. “Like for example, how disappointed fans of The Monkees were to learn that they actually could shred their instruments. It really ruined their favorite fun fact. Or maybe the fact that Ozzy Osbourne was an ordained Episcopalian minister. Though hearing that Nikki Sixx understands consent seems to be particularly upsetting.”

At press time, fans were even more disappointed to hear about a time Sixx enjoyed feeding ducks at the park while completely sober.