Hell is other people, and what two people could possibly be more hell than right-wing academic clown Jordan Peterson and the unfathomably uncancelled Bill Maher?
If you’ve found yourself watching Maher casually “sparking j’s” and chatting with Pererson about how his all-red-meat diet only put him in the hospital for “a little while,” you’ve probably reached the conclusion that Sartre’s play “No Exit” is in fact an accurate depiction of hell, that you have died, and that you will be locked in a room with these two insufferables forever. Fear not! There’s every chance that you just got loaded on ketamine again and stumbled across a clip of them on social media. Let’s run through the checklist before we freak out, shall we?
Are they responding when you speak?
If the answer is no, well, honestly that’s no guarantee that you’re not actually in a room with these assholes, but it’s a promising start!
Is Bill Baher finding excuses to mention his 2008 atheist documentary “Religulous?”
The only thing in the world that would stop Maher from speaking about atheism as if the whole concept was his idea because he’s just that goddammed smart is dying and finding himself in hell.
Has Peterson asked to see your genitals?
Eternity is a long time sure, but Peterson is going to need to confirm your gender immediately.
See any writers around?
Even Satan is incapable of getting Bill Maher to go anywhere or say anything without them.
Does the room smell like a mix of old creep and some cologne with a name like “Wolf Musk”?
Ketamine is not known to cause olfactory hallucinations and can in fact suppress your sense of smell so trust the nose! Take a nice big whiff. The combined scent of Maher and Petterson should be palpable. Halitosis, incontinence, and sexual wellness supplements punctuated by a fragrance marketed to men who like to think they are lumberjacks. If you’re not getting any of that, chances are you’re just in a K-hole, and you’ll have the faculties required to put your phone down in about 20 minutes.
Can you hear a jilted prostitute demanding more money behind a locked door in the distance?
If you can’t, chances are you are not actually in a room with Bill Maher.
When you snap and punch them, do they react, or does your vision just get a bunch of weird cracks in it?
That’s your phone dude. You just broke your phone screen. That’s the bad news, the good news is you are not in an existential nightmare stuck with Bill Maher and Jordan Peterson in a locked room for all of eternity. Even if your phone isn’t insured, and judging by your habitual ketamine use it is not, that’s a good day.
Svën is Ren’s cousin and has achieved a physical build identical to Stimpy. He also likes to show off his collection of used band-aids upon meeting new people. There’s just no way this European dog has any clue what’s going on behind the scenes at Nickelodeon. He’s more interested in adding to his jar of spit as a hobby.
Powdered Toast Man was the superhero we didn’t know we didn’t need. He may have a stature that would be feared among inferior breakfast foods and villainous sycophants like Schneider, but unfortunately this anthropomorphic slice of bread is oblivious to his surroundings at all times.
Stinky is a species of flatulence. More specifically, he is Stimpy’s “fart child.” If parents can’t handle child-free adults referring to their pets as their children then they’re going to have a mental breakdown when they find out who Stimpy considers his offspring. But that’s beside the point. We all know intestinal gasses can’t distinguish between good and despicable behavior.
This woman once saved Ren’s life by administering CPR on him, so we know she does the right thing and therefore likely didn’t know about Schneider or else she would’ve thrown her personal elephant at him.
The walrus has experienced severe trauma after being held captive by Mr. Horse. If he had seen anything, he likely would have told castmates to “call the police.”
This codger has a lot of tales to tell and he mostly regales them as body parts casually slide off of him. He’s the kind of guy everyone avoids in the office so there’s no way anyone would let him in on this Schneider thing and he’d never figure it out himself.
“The Ren and Stimpy Show” is not short of deranged mythological creatures. This one-eyed elf lives in Stimpy’s bellybutton and often transforms into a massive porkchop named Adonis. Judging by Jerry’s off-grid anatomical dwelling situation, it is doubtful he had any idea of the Nickelodeon situation.
Jasper wears a lot of hats on the show. However, none of his parts are very juicy so he’s not really on set enough to witness Schneider’s misconduct. Justice for Jasper.
Anthony is a 10-year-old who is a fan of Ren and Stimpy as an on-screen comedic duo. However, his fandom comes into question when Anthony finds Ren taking a dump. Up until that point, he hadn’t realized that actors have bowel movements. This kid has just not yet made it to the stage of life where you mentally comprehend “inappropriate and misconduct allegations.”
This Lummox’s vocabulary is extremely underdeveloped. His favorite food is meat and his favorite drink is meat. You could tell Kowalski to his face exactly what Dan Schneider had been doing on the set and he still wouldn’t know what was going on.
Ghosts are typically confined to one particular house to do their hauntings. Chances are Dan Schneider didn’t pull his weird shit at strangers’ houses so this ghost doesn’t know a damn thing.
As their not so subtle names suggest, these men are just not on the ball. They’re also law enforcement so they definitely have no idea what’s going on.
This baboon may be aggressive, violent, and currently foaming at the mouth, but it doesn’t seem to have cognitive or critical thinking skills. Any misconduct he would’ve seen on set would have just gone over his head. This primate is much more interested in chewing on the full torso skin of a domesticated cat.
Waffle Woman is the arch nemesis of Powdered Toast Man and hellbent on revenge. She’s too focused on thwarting bread-based superheroes to know what’s going on behind the scenes at Nickelodeon.
The Fire Chief is psychotic and often speaks in a rhythm that seems like he’s at his breaking point, just like many characters on this children’s show. Firefighters usually do the right thing, but you can never tell for sure when it comes to anyone in the “Ren and Stimpy” universe.
