Mandela Effect? Your Friends Don’t Remember You Exist

Posted on by Amir Adan

The Mandela Effect is the age-old behavioral phenomenon where large swaths of people misremember specific details about a person, event, or cereal brand. For instance, most people appear to be under the impression that Nelson Mandela died in prison in the ‘80s, when in reality he’s still alive today and living in Wisconsin, I think.

The same applies to you. Your friends sort of remembered a guy kind of like you with blond hair, if you even had hair, but it’s clearly a mixture of a brownish, blackish hue. Not to mention your name is Craig or Greg, not Jason. Or maybe it’s Paul. Definitely not Kevin. At least we’re pretty sure.

Either way, minor details like this sort of fall to the wayside, and our brains naturally create a different reality to fill in the otherwise non-descript gaps. Oh wait, Mike! It’s Mike, right?

Anyway, just about everyone on planet Earth will tell you that it’s spelled “Fruit Loops” when the truth of the matter is that it’s stylized as “Froot Loops.” Yes, Kellogg’s has been mind-fucking you this whole time. The same psychological perversion is the exact reason people don’t remember that you actually went to high school and college with them.

You were even best friends with them senior year. Now? You’re not even a memory worth storing in their hippocampus, pre-frontal cortex, and amygdala. This is not your fault. The Mandela Effect should take all the blame.

Sure, you could’ve stayed in touch or called them to see how they were doing every so often. But unfortunately, the Mandela Effect will take hold of them and erase you as a concept, no matter how hard you try to cultivate their friendship. This is why no one has friends past the age of 37. They just forget you ever existed.

Memories are a tricky thing. For instance, no one remembers that you once came out of the restroom in second grade with wet pants in your crotch area and for the next 10 years everyone called you Pee Stain, even though it was just water from the sink. Actually, maybe the Mandela Effect is a good thing.

Punk Really Needs You to Understand He Hates Hippies in a Jello Biafra Sort of Way, Not a Ronald Reagan Sort of Way

Posted on by Noah Dominguez

BERKELEY, Calif. — Local punk Charles “Chuck” McCoy is adamant that everyone knows his hatred for hippies stems from a left-wing ideology, rather than a conservative one, confirmed sources who already get it and wish he would talk about something else.

“The hippies are the biggest sellouts who ever lived. They preached peace, love, and sticking it to the man. Then, they became the man!” said McCoy. “It’s important that my friends, family, and random cashiers at Walgreen’s know that I despise these types of Boomers in the ‘California Über Alles’ sense, not a ‘trickle down economics’ way. One time, my piece-of-shit uncle who voted for Reagan back in the day agreed with me. I was mortified! So ever since, I’ve had to preface any disparaging remarks about hippies with an equal amount of hate on Reagan. I hate Republicans more than anything, especially Bonzo.”

Most of McCoy’s associates seem to understand and even agree with his point of view, though feel his constant need to reiterate it speaks to some larger insecurity.

“Look, I get it,” said friend Heather Brant. “Whenever I would tell someone I didn’t like the latest Marvel movie, I always felt the need to clarify I wasn’t one of those anti-woke YouTubers with week-old Doritos stuck in their teeth who flip their shit any time they see the slightest bit of melanin. But then, I realized most people are actually pretty reasonable and aren’t automatically going to assume the worst of me. I think Chuck is caught between his need to make sure everyone always knows what he’s thinking, and his crippling fear that nuance is dead. If you ask me, he just needs to get off Twitter a bit. He’s right on the money about Reagan, though. Fuck that guy.”

Scene historian Tommy “Bones” Hernandez believes it’s difficult to agree with Republicans.

“Obviously, all hippies were capitalists in disguise, but it’s hard to hate on them publicly without coming across as a conservative,” Hernandez declared. “Hating things that right-wingers famously detest is typically tough to maneuver. For instance, a left-leaning person always has to say he hates Bud Light in a craft IPA drinker sort of way and not in the Kid Rock sense, even though neither option is ideal. Democrats also need to reiterate that they don’t approve of the NFL because of CTE, not due to Colin Kaepernick. Somehow, Republicans ruined the concept of hate for everyone.”

At press time, McCoy was seen writing his thesis on the connections between the hippie movement and the rise of yuppie culture, despite not currently being enrolled at any academic institution.

Aging Noise Artist Remembers a Time When You Could Pull Your Penis Out at a Show and Everyone Wouldn’t Get All Weird About It

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

BOSTON — Local 46-year-old musician Tim Reddy of the seminal one-person noise/grind collective 5CrpseFckPrty complained that you could no longer whip out your schlong on stage without making everyone feel weird nowadays, confirmed sources who were really hoping he wasn’t about to test that theory.

“Noise as a genre is supposed to make everyone in the room uncomfortable except me,” said Reddy while trimming his pubic hair. “What are we saying? That if I rub my bare genitals on an audience member without their consent, that’s not ok? Evidently, that’s now just called assault. What the fuck happened to the scene? As an artist, I should be able to jam an entire microphone up my asshole. After all, these people didn’t pay seven bucks to see me keep my underwear on the whole time. The whole point of noise and sound art is to express myself through my junk.”

Shannon Mallory, a member of the audience at 5CrpseFckPrty’s impromptu show, said she supports the arts but thought Reddy’s feelings were slightly misguided.

“Well, I agree that punk used to be actually dangerous and now it’s the soundtrack to Broadway musicals and winning Grammys,” said Mallory. “And yes, I do think our society’s overall prude-ness around nudity is silly and puritanical. But while I don’t really like to judge other people’s art, this is a 2:30 pm showing of ‘Wicked.’ So I’m not really sure what he was doing here, or why he had his dick out.”

Stella Chan, professor of art history at Boston College Stella, said that Reddy’s complaint points to larger and more unknowable queries orbiting punk and art spaces in general.

“The question of ‘what is art?’ is a nebulous one,” said Chan. “It begs the asker to think beyond the everyday occurrence of beauty and ugliness, life and death, and in the end, often presents more questions itself than producing anything remotely resembling an answer. That said, a solid 80% of noise artists are pretty much just flashers, and Tim is definitely one of those folks. Do not book this man for your birthdays, weddings, or graduation parties.”

At press time, Reddy also complained that you can no longer take a dump on stage during your set without the venue janitor having an absolute fit anymore.

Oh, You Like Counting Crows? When Was the Last Time You Danced the Silence Down Through the Morning?

Posted on by Jeff Bender

Hey, man, I overheard you say you like “The” Counting Crows—not their name, but whatever. I happen to be a fan of that band myself. I see we’re even wearing the same “This Desert Life” beanie. Are you wearing it ironically, too? No, you’re probably dead-ass in love with that album. Go ahead, sing the second verse of “Mrs. Potter’s.” I don’t care if there are nine people at this party. And hey, just curious, when was the last time you danced the silence down through the morning?

“Nineteen ninety-FOUR”?! Are you serious? For me, it was yesterday, when I celebrated the 32½ birthday of “August and Everything After.” Yeah, I got up, threw on my baja, and ran through a field of grain and heather. Then, on my way back, between the rain, I sort of danced the silence down through the—well, I say “morning,” but really it was three o’clock.

I spent the rest of the day slugging from a bottle named “Maria” and staying at home with my disease. At some point I grabbed a gray guitar, stared into the future, and wished I was beautiful. But that’s just me—a real fan.

What do you say we turn our ticket in and slouch at a bar to stare at the beautiful women? “No”? You wouldn’t. Oh, you have “kids”? Man, that is so un-Duritz. They’re called “children,” by the way. Why would you have children? Duritz doesn’t have children.

Are you even white? Do you even have dreads? What’s the best music video featuring Courtney Cox? You better not say “Dancing in the Dark.”

I don’t mean to come on strong, man, I guess I’m just in one of my moods. It’s the pain, yeah? I stepped out the bathroom like a ghost and looked across a crowded room and saw you and thought maybe I was close to understanding Jesus. Well, I guess I’M the one who’s misunderstood. You’re just another poser-ass “fan” who doesn’t even wanna help me believe in anything. Sha-la-la-la-la, I guess. Uh-huh. Yeah.

But hey man, while we’re here, you know, let’s see you do it. Go on. “Dance the silence down through the morning.” I’ll count you in.

Shit, that’s actually not bad.

Jehovah’s Witness and Tool Fan Spend All Night Trying to Convert Each Other

Posted on by Tyler Roland

JEROME, Ariz. — Jehovah’s Witness Leonard Standish and Tool fan Don Schmidt spent all night spreading the gospel of their faith and fandom, exhausted sources verified.

“So this weirdo shows up at my house, right as I’m writing this overdue community college assignment about Maynard James Keenan’s masterful use of metaphor in ‘The Pot,’” Schmidt explained. “The guy’s trying to get me to see the light, but let’s just say my light shone a little brighter. I decided to invite this Jehovah fella in and introduce him to the magic of Tool. Also because I haven’t spoken to another human being in weeks. I know most people hear Tool, but do they listen to Tool? After our four-hour conversation and several consecutive listens to ‘Stinkfist,’ I’m still not sure he understood the teachings of ‘Ænima.’”

Standish, for his part, was equally alienated by the man who recently spent half of his life savings on a ticket to the band’s upcoming “Tool In the Sand” festival.

“We never get people giving us the time of day, so this was a welcome change of pace,” Standish began. “But as soon as I presented a copy of ‘The Watchtower Announcing Jehovah’s Kingdom,’ he shoved a ‘Lateralus’ CD in my face. This seemed blasphemous! Yet Don was the only one in his zip code that didn’t slam the door in my face or point a shotgun at me before I could get a word out. Finally, I was able to tell someone about our sect, albeit in exchange for a 45-minute rant on something called ‘Schism.’”

Anthropologist Walter Whittier sees this moment as a dramatic breakthrough in his studies.

“In my experience, the Dead – that is, the Grateful Dead – were the only band to have a cultural currency as befitting ‘anthropology of religion,’ as opposed to mere ethnomusicology,” Whittier elaborated. “Now, it seems we have a new discovery: that the most devout Tool fans are as invasive as Jehovah’s Witnesses. An incredible revelation. That’s almost like the time a Scientologist and a Radiohead fan accidentally spent all day attempting to convert each other.”

At press time, Standish and Schmidt were witnessed politely leaving one another after the whole night, vowing never to dig into the other’s preachings again.

First Year Photography Student Wondering if You’ve Ever Modeled Before

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

BOSTON — Freshman photography student Elias Carbone reportedly crossed four lanes of heavy traffic to ask you if you’ve ever modeled before and if you’d be interested in helping him with a school project, you confirmed while trying to hide your smile.

“I was just minding my own business when this guy with a camera came out of nowhere to tell me how beautiful I was. And I mean I definitely didn’t look cute, I was coming back from pilates so my hair was a mess, I ran out of contacts so I had to wear my glasses, and I was all sweaty. I’m not sure what he saw in me,” you said after sitting down to compose yourself. “He said ‘Beauty like mine needs to be preserved for the ages,’ can you believe that? I agreed to go to his apartment in Allston this weekend for a shoot. He told me to bring a few different outfits and to be prepared to ‘push my boundaries.’ I’m debating on whether I should tell my friends about this, I think they would probably be pretty jealous that they weren’t asked.”

Carbone admitted he asks multiple women a day if they would like to model for him.

“I want to be the next Terry Richardson or Marcus Hyde, and the best way to do that is to lure as many impressionable young women to my apartment and convince them to pose naked for me. I feel like my best bet is to ask women who look painfully insecure,” said Carbone. “I haven’t been able to convince any of my models to take off their clothes, they usually realize they made a big mistake and leave right away. But these are the tough lessons I need to learn. I want to get to that level of fame where A-list celebrities come to my defense saying how sweet and professional I am when some no-name accuses me of problematic behavior.”

Photography Professor Phillip Rouse says a majority of his male students use art as a way to see women naked.

“This has been going on since the camera was first invented. Young men will use a camera to position themselves as an authority on beauty in order to see a boob or two. I hate to admit it, but I did it myself,” said Professor Rouse. “But now things are different. As an educator, I’m able to exert my authority in a different way and I have students lining up to pose naked for me. I promise them a better grade or introductions to some of my established photographer friends. It’s almost too easy.”

“At press time, Carbone asked if you had any good-looking female friends that you might be comfortable kissing for a project about “taboo expression under the Trump regime.”

Adulting? This Woman Meal-Prepped By Ordering a Large General Tso’s Instead of a Small

Posted on by MJ Elliott

The benefits of meal prepping go beyond saving time and money. It also frees up your brain so you can spend less time thinking about what you’re going to make for dinner and more time thinking about important matters like, “Do all my coworkers secretly hate me?’” and “What if my parents die before they ever get a chance to be proud of me?”

After carefully weighing the pros and cons of ordering the large General Tsos chicken or the small, Door Dasher rewards member, Lilia Thompson decided to shell out the additional two dollars and fifty cents for the large order. “Financially, it will set me back a little, but that’s what investments are all about,” said Thompson. She’s even considering walking the four blocks to the Chinese restaurant instead of ordering delivery to count as this week’s workout.

Contrary to popular belief, fancy Tupperware is not necessary for meal-prepping. If you want to save time and effort, just dump the entire atrocity into a comically large bowl, pop it in the fridge, and cover it with a dinner plate. Although this method doesn’t seal in as much freshness as Tupperware, when you’re standing in front of your fridge pantless and drunk, still mourning a relationship that ended 4 years ago, and eating pork lo mein with your hands, freshness is not a priority.

While meal prepping has its benefits, eating the same thing every day can become monotonous. Reheating that takeout container that’s been begging to be put out of its misery since last Saturday for the fifth day in a row can start to tug at the strands of your sanity and lead you down an existential rabbit hole wherein you begin to ask yourself, “Is my life just one big version of ‘wash, rinse and repeat’?

On the last leg of her meal-prep race, just when the general Tsos chicken had been molecularly altered from time and constant reheating, and the rice had turned hard as gravel, Thompson felt she couldn’t bear to eat one more bite of last week’s takeout, she remembered she had half a bell pepper and some teriyaki sauce in the fridge and decided to make a nice little stir fry with what was left.

Dad Must Make Heart-Wrenching Decision Between Deleting Family Pictures or Drum Samples Off Hard Drive

Posted on by Jose Balderas

FULLERTON, Calif. — New dad and aspiring musician Gerry Malnati was forced to decide whether to delete pictures from previous vacations and gatherings with family or drum sample libraries from his hard drive to make space for a new Mac OS update, confirmed sources.

“It’s like a modern day Sophie’s choice,” said Malnati while rubbing his temples. “Once my wife asks to upload a few SD cards from our last trip to Knott’s Berry Farm I know I’ll be sitting at my desk late into the night trying to figure out if I should delete a picture of my daughter picking blueberries or another sweet, tight snare from the pop punk drum pack I got on sale during Black Friday 2022. But I know I’m going to accidentally delete the one picture my wife has been thinking about since we took so it means I usually just delete one of the 15 versions of a crash cymbal. It still hurts though. They’re like my children.”

Malnati’s wife relayed a previous experience she prefers to not relive.

“We knew this was a problem and required a sit-down talk after I went to pick up our Christmas Day pictures at Walgreen’s and they were just images of GarageBand waveforms for some ‘80s synthwave beats he had purchased as his own present,” said Mei Malnati. “I can’t keep paying for pictures of music he never plans to let me hear. It’s the only reason I bought him another portable hard drive. We have a good 25 of them and it’s still not enough.”

Best Buy Geek Squad manager Hank Concepcion explained how this is not a rare occurrence and is only becoming a growing problem.

“We’ve seen an uptick in fathers, husbands, and boyfriends rushing in at closing or opening requesting lost and deleted file retrieval,” said Concepcion. “It’s the reason we now offer a new 2-in-1 hard drive that allows users to store their precious family moments on one section and their own hobby junk in the other. Of course, it still means the owners need to show some restraint and discipline and not start saving the wrong items in the wrong section.”

As of press time, Malnati deleted pictures of his childhood dog from his portable hard drive to make room for guitar pedal plug-ins to replicate his real-life pedalboard.

Five Songs We Listened To This Week That ‘Ruined’ Our Valentine’s Day Dinner

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

While you were all picking out flowers, crafting love poems, and filling the deep and gooey pockets of Hershey and Hallmark this week, we were here putting in the real work. That’s right. We’ve spent this week of love listening to new music, playing it over the house speakers at our partner’s favorite restaurant, being interrogated by the owner in regard to how we connected to the Bluetooth, playing the songs even louder instead of answering to such wild allegations, getting escorted out of the restaurant by security, punching one of the guards, and finally getting dumped in the parking lot. All so you would know what new songs came out this week. We only ask for a little gratitude, but the least you can do is listen. Without further ado, here are five new songs we listened to while looking for a new place.

Chime Oblivion ‘Neighbourhood Dog’

The disturbingly prolific Jon Dwyer is back at it, because sleep is for the weak and he refuses to let his output fall below 4,000,000 songs a year. This time, he’s joined forces with Bow Wow Wow’s David Barbarossa to form a new band Chime Oblivion, which seems laser-focused on cornering the profoundly-sad-but-still-dancing-dad demographic. If you’ve longed for a track that gives you a strong urge to do burpees in a graveyard, this is your moment.
CHIME OBLIVION by John Dwyer

Star 99 ‘Pushing Daisies’

Star 99 is releasing their album ‘Gamut’ this summer. The quintet’s latest single, ‘Pushing Daisies,’ certainly fits the season. It evokes the feeling of setting a mid-2000s indie-rock track on fire and watching it slowly burn while evaluating every decision you’ve ever made. The chorus hits with the kind of sweet melancholy that makes you wish you cared more, but hey, at least it sounds good in the background while you try to figure out if you can still afford rent this month.

Scowl ‘B.A.B.E’

Hardcore bands dipping their toes into pop isn’t exactly groundbreaking—just ask your jaded older brother who’s still bitter about that band you’ve never heard of ‘selling out’ – but rarely does it hit as hard as whatever the hell Scowl is doing. Their latest single ‘B.A.B.E’ sounds like a top 40 ‘90s hit stabbed you in an alley. It’s the bubblegum punk song that plays at the roller rink while you take an inline to the head. It’s catchy AND intense is what we’re trying to say here.

PUP ‘Hallways’

PUP’s latest single, ‘Hallways,’ from their forthcoming album ‘Who Will Look After The Dogs?’ is the mid-life crisis anthem you never knew you needed, but won’t be able to live without. It’s the kind of song that makes you yearn for your glory days while reminding you they were probably a lot less glorious than you remember. Since this one dropped, we’ve had to cover all the windows in our office to prevent our staff from wistfully staring out of them for hours upon hours.

Vulfpeck ‘New Beastly’

Even punks like to dance, and believe it or not, not every song we listen to requires you to roundhouse kick a stranger in the face to bust a move. The groove on Vulpeck’s latest track, ‘New Beastly,’ is so infectious that the CDC would probably be involved if they weren’t getting dismantled next week. Feel free to try out some new steps to it —perhaps a tasteful knee pop, a shoulder shimmy… anything that doesn’t end with you in court for breaking someone’s nose.

Because we’re so selfless, thoughtful, and rational, we’ve compiled these and other songs into a nifty little playlist for you. You can save it below, and play it wherever Bluetooth devices provide control access for multiple devices and aren’t password protected.

Friend Who Brags About How Little Sleep He Needs Losing His Shit Again

Posted on by Cody Arbor

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local man Timothy Kroeger reportedly lost his shit again despite bragging about how little sleep he needs on a nightly basis, confirmed sources.

“Thomas Edison famously only needed four hours of sleep a night and that guy invented lights or something. But anyway, it would be nice if everyone stopped driving so goddamn slow and quit screwing my day up. Hell, bro, I haven’t had my alpha wave or my aminos today, do you know how dangerous and downright feral I feel right now?!” Kroeger gesticulated while rubbing his temples. “If I don’t hit all the life metrics I’m set up for on my board, I am a total failure. And if that means getting a small handful of hours of shut-eye to be considered one of the greats, then fucking so be it! Also, I threw away my pillow because I heard on a podcast that it hinders creativity.”

Kroeger’s friend Aaron Abrigo confirmed this is not the first, second, or even third time that he has nearly lost his mind over a lack of sleep.

“Yeah, Tim’s just a really intense guy who just so happens to need six Monster Energy drinks a day to function,” said Abrigo. “It kinda feels like he’s competing against no one, or like a phantom ‘better version’ of himself? Regardless, that man can’t get through a single day without going off on a 7-Eleven cashier for running out of Taquitos. I heard he was on adderall for awhile, I remember him being a lot less insufferable, but apparently it was ‘stifling his chi flow’ and he didn’t like ‘some bitch with a stethoscope’ telling him what he could or couldn’t put in his body. I almost miss this version of him.”

Sleep expert Dr. Dahlia Patel couldn’t stress enough the importance of slumber.

“People that obsess over optimizing their productivity always end up sacrificing sleep for more output. But that always backfires and leads to a thousand creative projects that go unfinished, not to mention chronic health problems,” said Dr. Patel. “The bottom line is this: everyone needs sleep. Some people need seven hours, others need nine, there’s really no marker for who needs how much after a certain threshold. But there’s only one kind who claims to need less than four hours, and those people really shouldn’t be allowed to socialize with the general public.”

At press time, Kroeger’s boss complimented his productivity despite him falling asleep at his desk several times a day.