Former Cards Against Humanity Writer Keeps Pitching ‘Cum Goblin’ to Wizards of the Coast

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

RENTON, Wash. — Former Cards Against Humanity writer Marc Weaver has reportedly frustrated his new coworkers at Magic: the Gathering after repeatedly pitching his idea for a “cum goblin” card to be added to the newest set, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I’m a guy who writes cards. It’s what I do! I know that Wizards of the Coast hired me because of my background and experience, and after years working for Cards Against Humanity, I know what kind of cards pack a punch. That’s what I wanted to make a splash — pun absolutely intended — with a big cum joke,” Weaver explained. “And I did my research! Cum goblin would have fit perfectly into their whole new set, which is some fantasy thing or whatever that I’m sure has goblins.”

Clare Bird, the writer at Wizards of the Coast who hired Weaver, says that she hopes they can find a way for him to fit in with the team more.

“I was just hoping to get some new ideas in the writers room. I didn’t really know what Cards Against Humanity is, but I figured having experience writing cards would be good, especially if it has some sort of battle system. Now I know that ‘Against Humanity’ just means filling in blanks with the word ‘AIDS,’” Bird said. “That being said, the guy has some OK ideas! His idea for a land card called Bog of Dead Babies was a bit much, but we ended up using the evil bog idea in the end. And you know what? Maybe we’ll even include just a normal, non-cum goblin!”

Weaver, however, has not been deterred by his co-workers telling him “no.”

“I’ve got the whole thing planned out. We can have a whole cum tribe, where all the cum creatures boost each other,” Weaver said. “You gotta watch out for their effect, though: sticky. Sticky is when a cum-goblin, or any other cum creature, be it a cum-orc, cum-troll, or cum-quat, gets cum on your creatures. This slows them down, making it impossible for them to defend incoming attacks for two turns. Obviously this all fits nicely into a mono-white deck.”

Despite Weaver’s issues at his new job, he’s reportedly still doing better than a former Magic employee desperately trying to understand why the other Cards Against Humanity writers are telling him there’s no way to make a funny joke out of his idea for a card called Groth’rar the Executor.

Like this article? Check out our merch store! 

Poser: This Baby Wearing a Carhartt Beanie Sucks at Smoking Cigarettes

Posted on by Julia Zhen

These days, most people don’t care to know anything about the brands they wear. E-girls love wearing Thrasher despite never having stepped foot on a skateboard and my 89-year-old grandma wears Champion for comfort, even though she’s never won a championship in her long, championshipless life. You may not care about what the brand your wearing represents, but I do. So if you’re wearing a Carhartt beanie, don’t be surprised if I offer you a cigarette outside of the bar. And if you happen to be a baby wearing your mom’s Carhartt beanie, then tell your mom not to get mad when I tell her you suck at smoking them.

For real, this baby seriously sucked at smoking. He looked lost, uncertain, and on the verge of either tears or a poo-poo. I gave him a slap on his little baby back and told him I felt the same my first time. Then he coughed. Like, a lot. What a fucking baby.

Can you believe it? Even though he was wearing a Carhartt beanie, he started choking and gagging as soon as I lit up his ‘rette. Get it together or don’t wear the beanie! Hell, when I was his age, every Carhartt product came with a pack of cigarettes. I gotta say, in all my years of putting lit items in the mouths of strangers based on their clothing brands, I have never run into such a poser as this guy.

When I was coming up—and admittedly a total poser—all the guys used to bully me into becoming the genuine person I am today. Times sure have changed since then, but I knew I had to give this new guy a stern talking to. I told him, “Hey man. Look, if you’re gonna come around here and sit in your stroller outside Mikey’s wearing that Carhartt beanie, you gotta expect to socialize with the locals here. When you’re offered a cigarette, you take it and smoke it like you’re one of us. Got it?”

Okay so at this point he just started losing his mind. He wasn’t even forming sentences. Just saying a bunch of nonsense words. He must’ve been hammered. I thought maybe he just needed a bite to eat so I gave him the rest of my Heineken and some pretzels. Did you know modern strollers have like 45 cupholders? Back in the day, my mom had to hold BOTH our roadies. These kids today don’t know how good they have it.

30-Year-Old Found Dead After Standing up Too Fast

Posted on by Josh Klasco

DENVER — Local man Matti Mukdam was found dead in his apartment last week, one day after his 30th birthday, as a result of standing up too fast, an autopsy confirms.

“I warned him about this. I told him he needs to learn to rock back and forth a few times before standing and make sure he’s bracing himself against the wall, or he could hurt himself,” said Mukdam’s boyfriend Ben Zugo. “Matti’s body was able to process unimaginable amounts of drugs and junk food back when we first started dating — we used to survive for weeks on end consuming nothing but cocaine and donuts. Then, suddenly, he turns 30, stands up, and his body basically explodes. I will always remember him as a vital young man, rather than a brittle, old tricenarian.”

Veteran paramedic Assaf Pegerim noted that incidents like these are all too common.

“This is the fifth call I’ve had this month regarding a young man dying like this. You think I’d be numb by now, but it never stops breaking your heart,“ said Pegerim. “Scientifically speaking, people in their 20s are pretty much invincible, but once you cross that threshold into your third decade you’re playing by a whole new set of rules. In your 20s, you can pretty much sustain yourself solely on gum you find stuck to the bottom of tables and, after eating your fill of table gum, stand up as fast as you please. In your 30s, though, it’s time to kiss that fast-standing lifestyle goodbye.”

Adam Kashish operates the Portland Retirement Castle, a retirement home catering to people in their 30s where the motto is, “Life doesn’t have to end with your 20s.”

“Sure, your lifestyle changes, but at our facility, changing your life doesn’t mean ending your life,“ ensures Kashish. “We take our residents on weekly trips to the skatepark — though they’re only allowed to watch, talk shit, and yell at kids to do a kickflip. Our cafeteria serves healthy versions of nostalgic food like Lunchables, astronaut ice cream, and Gushers. And every night we screen classic movies from the mid-90s. With our help, you can have a rich, fulfilling life all the way into your 40s!”

Mukdam’s friends are hoping to avoid his fate by turning 29 for a second time.

Photo by Jay Shingle.

Yes, I Would Time Travel to 1889 to Kill Baby Hitler, but Would I Go Back in Time to Abort Fetus Hitler? Absolutely Not

Posted on by Kate Howard

The Holocaust is one of the biggest tragedies known to date. I heard somewhere between 100,000 and 6 million Jews were murdered! If I, a woman born in 1982, could do something to stop the Nazi regime from ever forming, I would absolutely do so. Specifically, I would time travel to April 21, 1889 to kill a one-day-old baby Adolf Hitler. You’d be evil not to. Now, would I go even further back in time to abort fetus Hitler? Of course not. That’s immoral and would condemn me to an eternity of torture and hellfire.

Everyone has a right to life, which is why abortion is wrong. Even though it’s clear in hindsight that baby Hitler chose to be a vile demon, let’s not blame fetus Hitler for that. Baby Hitler was a murderous, genocidal monster. Fetus Hitler, on the other semi-developed hand, had the potential to cure cancer! For that reason alone it would be wrong to use time travel to abort fetus Hitler. I wouldn’t want to play God or anything.

I would love to murder the shit out of tiny infant Hitler though. Let me make that perfectly clear. I’m honestly in favor of taking out anyone under five who gives me iffy vibes. Once that guy was born, I bet it was very easy to tell he was an evil little dude who would commit atrocious acts. And I’m all for people getting what they deserve. That’s why I support capital punishment. I’m not a hero or anything, I just have common sense.

What does make me a hero is my refusal to perform an abortion that would cause Hitler to never exist. Abortion is wrong and should be outlawed, plain and simple. It’s just a fancy term for murdering babies, which I am totally against except in the case of premeditatedly snuffing out a child in its first two months of life. Or capital punishment.

I hope to be an example for anyone struggling with their own moral dilemmas. Not every decision will be as clear-cut as this one, but with the right judgment, you too can travel through time sentencing evil babies to the death penalty.

What the Deaths of Countless Ukrainian Civilians Means for You at the Pump

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

At The Hard Times we want to make sure we give both sides of every story. In that spirit, we invited one of our right-wing relatives to write about the war between Russia and Ukraine.

Well, Russia invaded Ukraine so you know what that means. The carnage, the screaming, the mothers holding their children for dear life, and of course, rapidly changing gas prices. The only thing more volatile than the gas prices is that region! But seriously folks, here’s what countless Ukrainian deaths mean for you at the pump.

The current relationship between Russia and Ukraine is complicated and dates back to at least 2014 according to a brief Google search I did before writing this. But I’m not going to get into that here because, honestly, no one seems to really care. You know what other relationship goes all the way back to 2014? Me and my sweet 2010 Honda Accord and putting gas in that puppy is one issue I do care about.

I’m not a selfish person. For instance, I care about my neighbors. That’s why every time I hear screaming from the house next door, I take great care to invent a story in my head to justify not intervening.

Let’s go with a hypothetical. Let’s say one of Russia’s missiles mistakes a school for a bioweapons lab. That means more and more sanctions and that means money out of your pocket.  The old saying “The death of one man is a tragedy, the death of 10,000 men fucks me over every time I need to stop at an Arco” has never been more true.

If I had a genie in a bottle and he granted me three wishes I’d ask for crude oil prices to stay consistent, all refineries to operate in the most efficient way possible, and, of course, to not have any more obstructions on oil pipelines. You might be asking “why don’t you wish for world peace?” and that’s because war can be good for the economy and that might knock gas prices down a few cents.

Putin is a power-hungry mad man, but he’s clearly not thinking about the human cost of his war. And by “human cost” I mean the price I as a human pay for the cost of gas each week.

Dave Mustaine & Judy Blume Co-Write Young Adult Novel “Are You There Me? It’s Me Again”

Posted on by Aviva Siegel

NEW YORK — Beloved author Judy Blume and maligned Megadeth frontman Dave Mustaine are set to become unlikely collaborators as they plan to coauthor the brand new YA novel “Are You There Me? It’s Me Again,” according to a press release from HarperCollins.

“Dave and his team approached us with the idea, and we were immediately sold,” said Jeff Rose, an editorial director with HarperCollins. “We wanted to explore this man’s misfit way of life, and the growing pains that come along with that. The book is a true exploration of a man getting back in touch with himself, his paranoia, his pain, the war inside his head… and we thought there was no better person to co-write the novel than famed author Judy Blume.”

Mrs. Blume discussed her experience with Mustaine, and the struggles involved with working together.

“When I was brought on to write this book with Dave, I didn’t exactly know who he was, but based on my initial interactions with him, I thought I might be collaborating with an angsty, teenage boy. So you can imagine my surprise in meeting a man in his late 50s,” said Blume, who seemed exhausted at the sheer thought of Mustaine. “He kept going on about someone named James Hetfield, and ended up punching a hole through the wall in my study. Honestly, I’m looking forward to the day when I can get back to writing about less emotional characters than Dave — pubescent teenage girls.”

Mustaine countered with his own journey through the writing process.

“Alex Jones really does have some good ideas. It’s a real shame they banned him off Facebook and Youtube. That’s what I call fascism,” ranted Mustaine when asked about his inspirations for the book. “Judy and I wanted to give readers insight into the real me: an aging, conservative, born-again Christian with millions of dollars in his bank account. I think that’s a character a lot of tweens can relate to.”

Mustaine later expressed his gratitude toward Blume for helping him with both the novel and learning about hormones and his ever changing body.

Report: PS3 Box Okay to Throw Out

Posted on by Danny Taverner

YOUR HOUSE — A new report commissioned by Sony states that the PS3 box you’ve been keeping in your closet since 2007, right next to that hoodie you no longer wear, is okay to throw out.

“The PS3 console, as well as the box it came in, was not intended to last more than three years before being traded in or thrown out,” stated Sony CEO, Kenichiro Yoshida. “Now we have more PS3 boxes on the streets than ever before. In the coming months we will begin rolling out our buyback program to ensure every PS3 box is destroyed. There’s no reason to hold onto the past like that. The fans need to move on.”

Gamers worldwide have preserved their PS3 boxes for a myriad of reasons including maintaining potential resale value, collecting user manuals and wires, propping open doors, squishing bugs, or having something to give your weird cousin when you forget his birthday. 

“This box is a piece of history,” reported one gamer, Cedric Holmes, who refuses to throw away his PS3 box. “This box has been such a big part of my life for over a decade. It has been a constant reminder of better times. Times when you could play Tony Hawk’s Project 8 all night long and when my parents were still married.”

The current resale value of a working PS3 hovers around $100. With the original packaging, two controllers, and half a dozen games, that amount skyrockets to $110. 

“The true value of a video game console lies not in the original packaging, but in the product’s working condition,” stated Regina Nash, an Antiques Roadshow appraiser, who specializes in electronics. “I can promise any gamer out there who might be hesitant about throwing away their PS3 box; in no way will the resale value be diminished.”

Nash, who is also a gamer, revealed that she too has kept her PS3 box in temperature-regulated storage all these years, “I didn’t spend $600 on this box to just throw it away 14 years later.”

Like this article? Check out our merch store! 

Photo via Michel Ngilen.

Jimmy Eat World! Saves the Day! Phantom Planet! We Rank the Worst Band Acronyms

Posted on by John Danek

A lot of thought goes into picking the perfect band name. But many bands don’t consider how the resulting name’s acronym will reflect upon them throughout their careers. We decided to rank the worst band acronyms ever in the hopes that you and your band don’t meet a similar fate.

20. Saves the Day – Great, now I’m reminded that I’m out of herpes cream every time a banger from “Through Being Cool” comes up on shuffle.

19. Jimmy Eat World – There’s nothing wrong with being a Jew. But the all-caps nature of acronyms makes this feel aggressive. You’d never ask a friend “Did you see JEW last night?” unless you want to enter a “Who’s on First?”-style conversation about Matisyahu.

18. Foster the People – More like File Transfer Protocol, am I right???

17. Banner Pilot – I’m so sick of oil industry shills invading punk rock.

16. Saxon Shore – Yikes!

15. Black Sabbath – I got some B.S for ya, everything Sabbath put out with Dio. Burn!

14. Prophets of Other Planets – So no band actually has this name, but if they DID, it would be “poop.” Can you imagine?! Ridiculous.

13. Wu-Tang Clan – Every time I enter the 36 chambers, I remember the way our country changed on that fateful day when the World Trade Center fell. Never forget.

12. Phantom Planet – LOLOLOL PEE PEE! WHAT ARE YOU, 9? Grow up.

11. Taking Back Sunday – If you love basic cable so much, why don’t you just release an album of 90% Family Guy dialogue? Conan is still awesome though.

10. Code Orange Kids – I know they dropped the “Kids” years ago, but “COK” is almost “COCK” so please just let this be a gimmie, I need 20 of these and topped out at 17.

9. The Menzingers – It’s not very punk rock of you to trademark your own acronym.

8. The American Dollar – Have you ever met a Tad? Every single Tad I’ve ever met in my life did a bunch of blow in college and went down on my girlfriend when I was sick with the swine flu.

7. Veil of Maya – I’m going to VOM my lunch up if you keep churning out generic metalcore like it’s 2008.

6. The Promise Ring – Truly sad to be chasing clout by acting like you were on the Tonyhawk’s PRoskater soundtrack.

5. Built to Spill – Accidentally found this band while trying to get my K-pop fix, and now I need a therapist.

4. Black Mountain – Seriously, “Bowel Movement?” No one caught this? Their derivative brand of ripping off Black Sabbath hasn’t inspired me to have a bowel movement since 2008’s “In the Future.” That album rips though.

3. Escape the Fate – I just checked, and this ETF is down 22% on the NASDAQ.

2. Operation Ivy – False advertising alert! Write an Oi song, you bastards.

1. Corrosion of Conformity – Wait, maybe this one is closer to “cock” than Code Orange Kids.

Wow, we made it! Check-in next week for “Top 200 Album Covers With Phallic Imagery If You Kinda Squint and Turn Your Head to the Side.” unless I can find another job before the deadline.

Baby Sinclair: All Grown up and Feeling Nasty

Posted on by Dicky Stock

He may be 30 years old but he’s still the baby and you still gotta love him. As a child of the nineties, I loved when Baby Sinclair would hit Earl on the head with a frying pan. It was comedy gold, and when an old friend of mine casually mentioned that she knew him I begged her to introduce me. She was hesitant at first, insisting Baby was “a bit of a handful,” but eventually she relented and made the call. A week later we were having drinks at his bungalow in West Hollywood.

Baby greeted us with charisma and charm, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that he viewed us as something he ordered. For a few hours we sat in his hot tub drinking white claws and smoking cigarettes. Then, my friend and Baby Sinclair began to aggressively make out. Around 2 am she got tired and asked if I was ready to leave. Before I could answer, Sinclair assured her that he would get me a cab home. “The Night is still young,” he told me with an impish wink.

My heart began to race as she left. I’ve never hung out with a huge celebrity before and now it was just he and I.

Baby’s sexual advances towards me were immediate and bordered on the aggressive. I kept reminding him I’m a heterosexual male and he would cool down for a bit, but within 30 minutes he was begging me to do club drugs and asking me if I’ve ever played “mouth secrets.”

“Listen, I’m the baby, baby. I’ve got a dirty little secret. You’re not the mama and you’ve got to find a way to get it out of me. Anything goes”

I told him I was flattered but that wasn’t going to happen. That’s when he pulled a frying pan out of nowhere and begged me to hit him with it. “I deserve it for being bad!” When it was finally clear to him I was not game, he asked me if I wanted to watch porn on his big screen. “It’s women popping balloons with high heels,” he said, “real high-brow shit.” I declined the offer.

I was feeling pretty uncomfortable at this point. “I’m thirty years old, but I look twenty-one,” he said. “I take really fucking good care of myself. My lovers really appreciate it. I’m surprised you don’t want me to get you off with my feet.”

Around 4 am I told him it was time I got going and he gave me this long speech about how embarrassed he was. He told me he’s not usually like this and that he was going through a lot of “stuff” right now and feeling lost. I insisted it was fine. He hugged me and said “you’re a good man. Especially for putting up with my bullshit. You take care of yourself.”

I guess that “Dinosaurs” finale really fucked him up.