8 Bands Who Made Their Money and Then Fucked Off and Did Weird Shit For the Rest of Their Careers

Posted on March 25, 2023 by James Knapp

Evolving as an artist is something every musician must struggle with in order to be fulfilled in their creative identity. Well, every musician except these 8 that is – who made sure they got paid and spent the rest of their time fucking about like drunk toddlers. Here’s our list of musicians who basically decided the first paycheck was enough.

The Mamas and the Papas

With a handful of early hits and plenty of amphetamines to keep their momentum up, the Ms and the Ps were all set to ride that money train into the sunset. But then, everybody took their dicks out, and the band quite literally fucked off on a fortune.

Primus

C’mon. You all knew Primus was gonna be in here somewhere. Moving on.

Country Bear Jamboree

Though most people don’t know it, after the bears got sick of chilling on tree stumps down in the old holler, they entered an experimental electrical phase that was critically panned. This was due, in part, to the fact that the woods have few reliable sources to power synthesizers.

Hanson

We’re pretty sure these guys started their own kombucha company or something stupid. Whatever, here they are.

The Band on the Titanic

It’s not often reported in history books as it ruins a bit of the romance of their sacrifice, but just moments before this string quartet did one last run of the classics as the Titanic went down, they pre-showed by robbing a bunch of first-class cabins and stuffing their pockets with expensive blue jewelry. Many historians believe this added weight is what held them down as they slowly sank beneath the waves.

This Mariachi Band on the Subway

Why else would they be playing on the subway, in full mariachi uniform, than if they weren’t totally financially secure otherwise? Weirdos.

The 12 Disciples

The bible kind of tapers off after Jesus, well, we won’t give out spoilers – but religious historians believe that the disciples actually used their newly acquired 30 pieces of silver to invest in a hip new wave synth band, featuring Matthew, Mark, Luke and John all playing untuned theremins.

Phil Collins

Mr. Collins has been doing weird shit for five decades and somehow continues to accrue masses of wealth from all of it. Who of you is giving it to him? Why will you not stop?

Please stop paying him now.

Every Misfits Album Ranked

Posted on March 24, 2023 by Bobby Korec

Misfits are one of the most recognizable bands of all time. Not many other groups combined Elvis-inspired crooning and punk with the macabre, and invented an infamous haircut that’s business on the sides and party down the front of your face. Even their crimson ghost logo is so ubiquitous that you’ll see it on toddler onesies, dog bandanas, and apparel for people who’ve never even heard of them. Hey, we don’t judge. But we will judge their studio albums. Here goes.

7. The Devil’s Rain (2011)

It’s not Danzig era. It’s not even Graves era. This is Jerry Only singing. Like lead singing. Sure, there are some bright spots if you look close enough, but overall it feels like a watered down version of a previously watered down version of the band. Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein isn’t even on it. Misfits are usually at their best when there are at least two devilock hairstyles in the group at a time.

Play it again: Once is enough.
Skip it: “Death Ray” (It’s the last song on their last studio album and it’s last ranked. Bad sign.)

6. Project 1950 (2003)

The first appearance of Only-era Misfits came in the form of this collection of covers. It also features Marky Ramone on drums and Dez Cadena of Black Flag on guitar, so it’s barely a Misfits lineup. It’d be like if Krist Novoselic recorded a new Nirvana album with the drummer of Pearl Jam and guitarist from Soundgarden and acted as if it was business as usual. Doesn’t sit right.

Play it again: “Monster Mash” (Probably makes sense they covered this one at some point.)
Skip it: “Diana” or “Donna” (Can’t remember which. Maybe both just to be safe.)

5. American Psycho (1997)

The Graves era endured from 1995 to 2000, which means it had more staying power than the Confederacy. This first Graves record is pretty good on its own merits, but it almost feels like a sequel to a beloved movie. Same genre, similar plot, familiar characters, but new villain who just so happened to come out years later as a Proud Boy and was probably at the January 6th insurrection for all we know. Memorable casting nonetheless.

Play it again: “American Psycho” (The “whooooas” make it feel like vintage Misfits.)
Skip it: “Walk Among Us” (There’s only one Misfits “Walk Among Us” and this isn’t it.)

4. Famous Monsters (1999)

This one is honestly solid, but it doesn’t have that same “I killed a baby today” lyrical urgency like some of the others. It has elements of punk and metal layered with catchy hooks, so it’s very easy on the ears. The sound is also very polished, which probably makes it a more friendly introduction to the band if you’re just starting your punk journey, until you have enough experience to become a seasoned vet who can, and probably should, dismiss this record entirely.

Play it again: The first nine seconds of “The Crawling Eye,” the middle part of “Helena,” and the last 90 seconds of “Pumpkinhead.”
Skip it: “Kong at the Gates” and “Kong Unleashed” (Does the world need two King Kong-related tracks?)

3. Earth A.D./Wolfs Blood (1983)

This one is fast, aggressive, and probably their most blood-curdling studio release. And hey, it’s even got our old pal Glenn. One of the great things about Misfits and this album in particular is that almost none of their songs are personal. While other singers complain about their love lives or going down on Dave Coulier in a theater, Danzig is imagining what it’s like to be a werewolf ripping out the throats of unsuspecting humans. It’s refreshing.

Play it again: Yes.
Skip it: This is the shortest Misfits album, so if you skip just one of these songs, that’s like 30% of the record.

2. Static Age (1996) (Originally recorded in 1978)

With classic tracks like “Hybrid Moments,” “Last Caress,” and “Teenagers From Mars,” you could easily rank this number one. We didn’t though. But it’s got that demo quality charm that they abandoned in later releases, which proves that bands should never evolve their sound too much (see “Devil’s Rain”) despite the human urge to grow creatively and write and direct “Verotika.”

Play it again: Pretty much any of them.
Skip it: Maybe “Come Back” (It’s like a spooky Doors song about a dead guy who wants the raven that was eating his face to come back for more. Probably because he’s lonely being dead and all. Actually, maybe I should revisit this one.)

1. Walk Among Us (1982)

This is the Misfits mission statement. It’s an album so good that it inspired millions of punk, hardcore, and metal bands for decades to come and as many as dozens of horror punk bands. Lyrically this record is groundbreaking too. Bob Dylan never wrote anything as important or profound as “I want your skull, I need your skull.” Danzig was just on another level.

Play it again: It’s only 24 minutes long. Play it all again. You’ve got the time.
Skip it: Skip the “Braineaters” track and jump straight to the music video they made for it. It’ll enhance the experience.

5 Best Dog Food Brands To Help Condition Your Palate for the Inevitable Nuclear Apocalypse

Posted on March 24, 2023 by Chris Bowen

Nuclear war. It’s been the backdrop for countless movies, and video games and served as the #1 looming threat that causing loss of sleep in America for generations. Unfortunately, it’s safe to say the total bummer that is the threat of nuclear holocaust has made its way back into all of our lives.

Do yourself a favor and get ahead of the game! Morals and human decency will most certainly be sparse during the apocalypse, as will basic necessities like food and water, so you’ll have to improvise! Here’s some of the best dog food out there that you can start eating today to help prepare your palette for Armageddon!

Purina ONE (Beef and Brown Rice Entrée)
Our first choice goes to the reliable folks at Purina with their fine brand of “I love my dog, but not enough to care about what she eats” food. If you’re lucky to find a can of this in the wasteland, you’re in for some good eating. Plus it will help you develop a nice, thick, shiny fur coat to help protect you from nuclear winter!

Kibbles ‘N Bits
If you prefer end-of-day delicacies dry, Kibbles ‘N Bits is probably your best bet. Dry food might be the best way to start out on your conditioning as well. Start by replacing a quarter of your morning Cinamon Toast Crunch with Kibbles ‘N Bits, then add a little more each morning. It’s full of delicious nutritional unnamed animal parts and bone meal! Sounds a little off-putting, but you’ll thank yourself when the bomb drops.

Garbage
Dogs always love to rip into the garbage whenever they can. And why not? There’s bound to be some good eats scattered in there! But just be aware: rifling through dumpsters to look for old melon rinds and chicken bones to eat might be safe for now, but when the apocalypse hits, you’re going to have to be a bit more cautious of irradiated rubble.

Wallets, Homework, Collectables, etc.
No! Don’t think you have to just chuck out all the things that brought you some semblance of joy in your pre-bomb life! You can just take all those video games, records, blu rays, and other useless crap straight to the kitchen! That small LP collection you inherited from your parents could be more than just a chew toy, with a little fresh water, radiation-free wheatgrass, and some salt packets, you got yourself a nice hot Paul Simon stew to fill you up. Not to mention keep you warm on those cold, lonely, dark afternoons in the barren wastes!

Anyone Who Dares Trespass on Your Territory
More than likely, you’re going to run across a few bad eggs here and there during the end of civilization as we know it. It’s a dog-eat-dog world for sure, and when you add mass atomic death into the equation, things will head south pretty quick. Now I don’t recommend nor condone cannibalism, but maybe you could take a page from man’s best friend and tear off the mailman’s face? Or at the very least, let him know he’s not welcome with a series of vicious-sounding noises and a little mouth froth. Plus, odds are months of radiation from nuclear fallout will turn you and your loved ones into bloodthirsty mutants anyways, so might as well get a head start!

Barenaked Ladies Reveal “One Week” is About the Time Phil Collins Saw a Guy Drowning

Posted on March 24, 2023 by Nathan Kamal

TORONTO — Canadian rock group Barenaked Ladies revealed that their Billboard Hot 100 hit “One Week” was inspired by an incident in which Genesis member Phil Collins saw a man drowning but did not lend a hand, horrified sources report.

“When I wrote ‘One Week,’ I was actually worried,” said Robertson, displaying the original handwritten rap lyrics to the song. “I thought people would call me out for writing about someone else’s life, but no one ever has. It seems obvious to me that it is about Phil Collins and the drowning guy. I mean, just look at these: ‘You’ll think you’re looking at Aquaman,’ ‘gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon,’ ‘your brain stops tickin.’ They’re very clearly about the guy who wrote ‘That’s All’ letting someone die a watery death right before his eyes. I mean, I rap ‘I’m the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral.’ I’m just straight up describing that dark and strange night in Collins’s life.”

Barenaked Ladies fan Kevin Lungstrom was shocked to find out the actual meaning behind the song after all these years.

“It is super weird that my favorite BNL song is about the guy who wrote the ‘Tarzan’ theme song watching someone die in the cold embrace of a lake,” said Lungstrom, nodding in recognition. “But I can’t deny that it now makes perfect sense. The lyrics–about a desire for forgiveness and shameful anger that accompanies it–are exactly what Phil Collins would feel in that situation. Obviously. I also heard that ‘If I Had $1,000,000’ was going to be the original them for ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’ but Regis vetoed it.”

Phil Collins was simply grateful that Robertson had finally opened up about “One Week.”

“I still remember that night so vividly. The way the drowning man kept yelling for help, and pointing at me saying ‘Phil, for the love of God please help me, you’re one of my favorite drummers and an even better vocalist,’” Collins said while sending a fax. “Even though I witnessed a man die with my own two eyes, I could never truly put the feeling down in words. I am just glad that Ed could make me immortal in his own way, unlike that guy who really should have learned how to swim as a kid.”

As of press time, Collins admitted his 1981 hit song “Something in the Air” was about the time his friends in the country rock band the Eagles had checked out of a hotel, but could never leave.

Frontman Prays Bassist’s Name Comes to Him By Time He Finishes Introducing Rest of the Band

Posted on March 24, 2023 by Camden Brazile

ST. LOUIS — Shane Worley, the frontman of local punk band Blood Bathtub, reportedly panicked upon introducing the members of his band, hoping that the name of the bassist came to him by the time he finished doing everyone else’s intro.

“I’ll admit, shouting everyone out during the show was a mistake,” said Worley while smoking a cigarette after the show. “After introducing our lead guitarist and our drummer my face tensed into a thoughtful grimace as I tried to remember what our bassist’s name is. I never would have started calling out the band if I knew this would happen, but to be honest, I forgot we even had someone on bass up there with us. His face looks familiar, for sure, he’s been at practices for the last six years, I’ve seen him at our photoshoots, I was the Best Man at his wedding, but his name just eludes me.”

Despite Worley’s best efforts to play off the situation, crowd members reportedly noticed his forgetfulness during the show.

“I could tell something was up,” said show attendee Eryn Mayhew. “When he finally got around to the bass player, the frontman just stammered and stuttered for a full thirty seconds, and then said stuff like ‘you know him, you love, he’s the big dog’ and ‘give it up for the Chief.’ Then he gave the rest of the band three more introductions, clearly stalling for time. There was a solid minute where he was sort of hiding behind some amps looking at his phone and smacking his forehead. But I don’t think he ever figured it out.”

Music executive Brian Terry said that forgetting names is just common practice in the music business.

“You can’t be expected to remember every single person you meet at a show, have a drink with, or perform on stage with every night for nearly a decade,” said Terry. “Before I got into the corporate world I played keyboards in a new wave band and I remember the essential people like our singer Shane, Theo on drums, Mikey on Guitar, Mikey’s girlfriend Sarah who he actually married in 1997 in Cabo, Shane’s two lovely aunts Miriam and Kimberly, Theo’s son Christian who was 7 pounds 3 ounces when we has born, and obviously everyone’s pets, but if you asked me to name our bassist I wouldn’t be able to do it for the life of me.”

At press time, the Blood Bathtub bassist reportedly could not be reached for comment, as nobody in the band had his contact name or number saved.

Realistic Aaron Sorkin Film Features Characters Thinking of Witty Retort Five Minutes Later

Posted on March 24, 2023 by Charles Bill

LOS ANGELES – Aaron Sorkin caused a stir in Hollywood when he released a new “more grounded” script replacing stylized dialogue with awkward pauses and characters thinking of witty retorts five minutes later, confirmed multiple sources who claim to still love “The West Wing.”

“It all started when someone called me Stephen King’s aborted twin,” said the acclaimed writer-director. “I tried to come up with a comeback, but I just mumbled ‘you too’ and walked away. Five minutes later I thought of a whole speech about how the guy that called me that was a disappointment to his parents, his friends, and most importantly America. It was super eloquent, but then I realized that no one is that quick-witted. If I, a super genius writer and master of subtlety, could not clap back in the moment, why should any of my characters? So I wrote this new script where everyone is a simpering dipshit, just like in real life.”

Frequent collaborators of Sorkin are having difficulty adjusting to the new realistic format.

“I’ve never had to act through so many dumbfounded silences as on Aaron’s new film,” said fake president Martin Sheen, “My character would get insulted, and I would just stand there stammering, saying ‘uhhhhh,’ and then occasionally just cry before running out of the room. That happens to me all the time in real life, but it isn’t very fun in movies. He also keeps writing me these long monologues that I either have to say ‘um’ and ‘er’ the entire time, or I get interrupted four seconds and say ‘oops, sorry, you go ahead’ even though I was talking first. It’s as frustrating as it is realistic.”

This new wave of cinematic realism has taken hold with auteurs all across Hollywood.

“Kids are never that precocious. Typically they’re dumb as rocks,” said Wes Anderson, “When I saw what Aaron was doing, I just knew I needed to make a change. Now all my set dressing is drab and uniform, and the child actors will no longer reference mid-century Britpop. Instead they’ll be obsessed with getting ‘Fortnite’ dances exactly right. In the interest of realism, I’ve also rewritten every character that interacts with Gwyneth Paltrow to find her completely insufferable.”

At press time, Sorkin was furiously rewriting his script upon observing that conservative news anchors rarely parrot liberal talking points.

Boring Song Intro Turns Out to Be Whole Song

Posted on March 23, 2023 by Dan Kozuh

NEW YORK — The introduction on a new track “Medieval Candle” from the seminal doom metal band Draconian Flesh turned out to be the entire track, annoyed sources confirmed.

“At first there was just kinda’ these wandering droning guitars and the sound of wind blowing, and I was ok with it for the first minute or two but it just kept going. When it got around the six-minute mark I figured ‘ok this is when it gets heavy’ but instead there was just the slight hint of some Mexican guitar and more wind sounds,” Draconian Flesh fan Jill Murphy explained after skipping the track for the seventh time. “I was convinced that at any second the drums would kick in and some nasty riff was going to melt my face but it just never happened.”

Draconian Flesh guitarist Roman Rowe attempted to explain the addition of this incredibly boring track to their new album “…and Pain For The Grateful”.

“This being our sophomore album, we really wanted our sound to mature, so we decided to write a song that just goes on and on but never actually goes anywhere,” Rowe said while attempting to record guitar feedback for a new song. “We really wanted to create a soundscape that our fans will like but also make critics lose their damn minds. We want to reimagine what it means to be a metal band and take our fans on a journey through our music. We feel exploring the stock sound library at the recording studios is the best way to do just that.”

Music Theory Professor Nettie Garrett, Ph.D. helped to explain why so many bands fall into this trap.

“I blame hubris. The band gets a small taste of success and suddenly thinks they are Brian Eno,” Garrett explained after suffering through “Medieval Candle.” “Instead of trying to draft some hooky riffs or interesting fills, they end up putting a microphone in a rock tumbler or throwing an electric bass into a bathtub. They don’t understand that their fans just want a damn song. I highly recommend that if at any point a band says the words ‘reimagined’ or ‘journey’ that they take a deep breath and rethink what they are doing.”

As of press time, Draconian Flesh announced their next EP to be a single 13-minute track titled “The Quantum Of Pain Opus,” much to their fans’ dismay.

We Sit Down With Crust Punk Legend the Stinky Cheese Man

Posted on March 23, 2023 by Ben Friedman

Few people were as synonymous or odorous in the punk world as the Stinky Cheese Man. He and the “Fairly Stupid Crew” were staples of the New York hardcore scene of the late 80’s and early 90’s, their exploits famously adapted as a book 30 years ago. We sat down with him to talk about the height of trash culture and sleeping on bowling balls.

The Hard Times: It’s an honor to sit down and speak to someone as integral to the scene as much as the music itself. How does a sentient cheese man end up in Manhattan?
The Stinky Cheese Man: I was obsessed with the youth crew movement. I grew up in the middle of nowhere in Wisconsin, it was straight up Reagan country. It also didn’t help that everyone from cows to children were repulsed by my stench. So I just bolted one day and ran, ran, ran. No one tried to stop me, so I kept going until I hit the East Coast.

You haven’t reached out to your family since then?
No, I’ve never been back home, my parents were straight up tweakers. They stuck me in an oven the day I was born. Would you go back to that? I never looked back. It wasn’t until I met Loosey Goosey and Chicken Licken at an Earth Crisis show in ’91 that I felt part of a family again.

Well it was a hell of a family, you were practically the faces of the scene.
Ha, fuck yes we were. The original ‘fairly stupid crew’ was originally spearheaded by Jack, he would do all the talking for us to get into shows and distract the cops while we lifted copper wire. Ugly Duckling was a crazy motherfucker, he lived life like he had nothing to lose. Mostly I guess because he just looked like an absolute abomination. We loved him anyway.

But I think most people would agree you stood out the most at shows. What made you stand out from the rest of Fairly Stupid?
Well it was easy to open up the pit and be the center of attention when you smell like rotting food 24/7. But those shows were the only places I felt like I could be myself. I do think Red Running Shorts, and Little Red Hen deserves some credit too, they ignored that “no pussy in the pit” bullshit and fucked a lots of dudes up (laughs).

When do you think it all started coming apart? There was a lot of death in such a short time.
I’m not saying it was entirely Rudy Guliani’s fault, but once he became mayor he started cracking down on squatters and petty theft and really killed the vibe and things were tense. The Giant had a schizophrenic episode, crippled Jack and then killed Little Red Hen. But the nail in the coffin was Ducky Lucky, Chicken Licken, Goosey Loosey, Foxy Loxy, AND Cocky Locky getting crushed by the Table of Contents. After that everyone left except for me and Cinderumpelskilstin. She’s the only one who could work.

I guess you’re the last of a dying breed. Has your outlook on life changed after all these years?
We’re just living in a pigsty, with a glossy coat of paint on it. This whole fucking civilization man, it’s just garbage people in a garbage city. People still shun me after all these years because I smelllike brie fucked by a corpse, but I didn’t have a choice. You think anyone would voluntarily want olives for eyes? But there is some solace in knowing that I left my mark regardless.

Do you think you’ll ever leave New York City?
No way man, I can’t imagine living anywhere else. Besides, even if I tried to leave I’d probably melt trying to cross the Hudson anyway.

Scientists Have Recreated the Real Face of Jesus if He Was Into the Insane Clown Posse

Posted on March 23, 2023 by Matt Kennedy

Jesus of Nazareth was undeniably one of the most influential figures in human history. His message of love and compassion (later rebranded as xenophobia and hatred toward poor people) still permeates our culture, and yet so little is known about Christ the man. What did the historical Jesus look like? How did he really live? What sort of Juggalo would he be? These are the questions that have plagued scholars since the release of The Great Milenko.

Today, science is shedding some dope-ass light on the Hatchetman of hatchetmen.

It’s common knowledge today that Jesus didn’t have flowing straight blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. He likely had dark/olive skin, dark curly hair, and brown eyes. It is also common knowledge that the Insane Clown Posse is the most important cultural movement of our time.

If Jesus was alive today he undoubtedly would have been a Juggalo, a diehard fan of the Insane Clown Posse, or any group signed to Psychopathic Record. Dr. Joshuel Kurtz, the project leader responsible for remaining Christ as a Jugallo, shared some insights into the potential importance of his team’s work.

“If Jesus gave the sermon on the mound today, it would undoubtedly preach the doctrine of Jugga-love. We’ve all heard the story of Christ turning water into wine, and it’s probably just a story, but what we’re speculating here is, ‘what if it actually happened? And what if, instead of wine, it was Faygo? And what flavor would it be?’ Shit like that. We had a lot of grant money and unlimited time, so we’re exploring the Jesus-as-Juggalo premise from every conceivable angle”

To anyone who dismisses this project as a crude, amateurish photoshop job, unworthy of the three years and six million dollars in grant money it took to complete, the Juggalo community has only one thing to say to you: Watch your ass.

Woman’s Parents Keep Asking When She and Boyfriend Going to Start Podcast Together

Posted on March 23, 2023 by Tim Graham

TOWSON, Md. — Local woman Cassandra Fedge is feeling mounting pressure from her parents to “get serious” and start a podcast with her longtime boyfriend, according to sources within her Sunday brunch group.

“My parents keep talking about how their friends’ daughters are all starting podcasts with their partners. They’re really getting up my ass about it,” said Fedge. “The straw that broke the camel’s back was my cousin Sara. She and her boyfriend are in their late thirties and have been together forever. Nobody thought they were ever going to settle down and start a podcast together. But then Sara made a Facebook post saying the two of them are launching one recapping ‘Supernatural’ from the beginning. My mom called me within minutes.”

Fedge’s boyfriend Thad Susser said that while the two of them are in love, they feel they’re still pretty young to be making that kind of commitment.

“We’re only in our mid-twenties,” said Susser. “We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and people are pushing us to make these big, content-based decisions. Her parents don’t understand that not everyone has to follow the same path. If and when we do start a podcast together, maybe it won’t be a traditional arrangement. Maybe it’ll be the two of us hosting, but sometimes we’ll bring on a third. It’s the 21st century for Christ’s sake.”

Relationship advice podcaster Sheila Lovelock said she sees some red flags in Fedge and Susser’s case.

“When a couple—especially a young white couple like this who share common interests in video games and movies—have been together for a few years and still express no desire to start a podcast, it could be a sign that the relationship is in trouble,” said Lovelock. “Really, they should be grateful for the way things are now. They should think of it from their parents’ point of view: when their generation was young, podcasts didn’t even exist. Couples basically had to talk to each other one-on-one all the time, with no audience or Patreon subscribers at all.”

At press time, the couple had agreed to join a Dungeons & Dragons group which streams weekly on Twitch as a compromise to appease Fedge’s parents.