Cap’n Jazz is the most important emo band of the 90s Midwest scene. They are also the most confounding. When I discovered them on a ska forum for a city I didn’t live in (yes, really), I asked the elder rudies and emos about the lyrics, and the only story I got was “Tim Kinsella was tripping and those lyrics just came out of his mouth.” For whatever reason, I accepted this and moved on for 15 years. It took me until now to realize that maybe it’s okay for me to look further than the shroom tales of the old ska men of Connecticut. So today, let’s sit down and try to figure out what these songs are really about if anything at all.
15. “Olerud”
From what I can tell, this is a live recording, which makes it one of the hardest to understand of the whole bunch. Sadly, this led to me missing out on the fact that at the end of this song, he is apparently screaming “I inherited hard-boiled eyes,” which is a great introduction to what you can expect from this band and their lyrics going forward. It’s gonna get weird; don’t say I didn’t warn you!
14. “Flashpoint: Catheter”
Luckily, this one isn’t actually about catheters, thank God. It also apparently doesn’t start with the line “Lego sky” as I had always thought. The real line is “That Van Gogh sky shrinks the city that shrinks me” which I suppose is the more poetic choice of the two. Having said that, I’m very much in support of more emo bands singing about Lego in the future, so hopefully some of you are taking note.
13. “Puddle Splashers”
“We’re busy touching till we’re dizzy stupid” I wouldn’t fully relate to this one until I was like 22, if you catch my drift.
12. “Oh Messy Life”
A song about the repetition of work and the boredom of an average life. I’ll go out on a limb and say everyone can relate to this one; sadly, almost 30 years later, this is just as relevant as ever. They really need to get moving on those robots that were supposed to take over all of our jobs; I’m tired.
11. “Scary Kids Scaring Kids”
It’s hard to listen to this one without thinking of my friend, who constantly reminded me that a weird synthy post-hardcore band had used the title as their band name. This song features lyrics about imitation and copying something that loses its value and becomes something superficial to profit from. The irony here speaks for itself.
10. “Basil’s Kite”
From the title alone, you really hope this is simply a song about flying kites with your homie Basil. Tim sounds pretty angry here, though, and I have my suspicions that Basil could be partly responsible. A glance at the lyrics makes me feel like I’m not far off. “Dumb loser user boy so used to the abuse. Can’t see how he’s been used.” Lesson of the day, folks: never lend your friend your kite, no matter how much he promises he won’t get it stuck in that big ass tree he is standing right next to. Exemplified no better than in the closing line, “I can’t fly till he can fly” poor Timmy has to wait in line to use his own kite. I’d start an emo band too if I had friends like Basil who mistreated kite privileges like that.
9. “Take On Me”
I may be dumb, but I’m not that dumb. They didn’t even write this one! I’m pretty sure it was that sick dude with the pompadour harassing that nice lady inside that issue of Archie, or whatever, who penned this jam. It somehow works, though, and results in one of the best songs on the album.
8. “Little league”
This is actually one of the first songs I heard from Cap’n Jazz, and it is also one of the only ones where I could easily pick out some of the lyrics. “Hey coffee eyes, you got me coughing up my cookie heart” is certainly a strange opener; I’m not sure that would work on Hinge, but it works here to create a perfect emo love song. Honorable mention to the overlapping part at the end about kitty cats and putting a hex on thin kids skinny necks.
7. “Ooh Do I Love You”
You would expect this to also be a love song based on the title, but if there is anything I’ve learned from Cap’n Jazz, it is that the title isn’t always reliable to figure out what you’re going to get from the song. This song features everything from smiling at the sight of reptiles to stepping on “that little fucker’s jaw” and snapping them in half. True romance right there.
6. “Ooh Do I Love You”
This isn’t a mistake. I’m dead serious. This song is on the album twice, except this is an acoustic version that gives us a rare stripped-down look at the lyrics of the song, which is always helpful, but the song cuts off in the middle of the final lyric, which is almost funny in a way, like even when they make it easier to hear the lyrics, they still make it tricky in some way.
5. “Hey Ma, Do I Hafta Choke On These”
It’s a rare case of the title of the song being one of the lyrics of the song. It works to great effect here, as that’s a pretty great enigmatic line and a great long weird emo song title, as is tradition. There are only 5 lines in this entire song, but coming in at a little over 2 minutes, it works and never feels sparse. I’ve always said, 2 minutes is all you need, though my girlfriend seems to disagree.
4. “Tokyo”
A nice break in the middle of the album for some spoken-word poetry. I assumed it would be about their favorite anime and how badly they want to go to Japan so they can truly fit in or something. Tokyo, however, serves mostly as a symbol for big cities in general and how they can make you feel alone and small. I’m kind of bummed it’s not actually about anime, because that sounds pretty cool to me. Remember when Goku would fly around on that cloud? Not to get all Anthony Fantano on you guys, but that’s kind of what this song sounds like to me.
3. “In The Clear”
This song rules because I never noticed before that the chorus is “Canine ate seven sick five-year-olds” which is a fun little twist on “98765” and later on you get another line that is just a big chunk of the alphabet. A song about growing up and becoming a big kid, so Cap’n Jazz has more in common with Pull-Ups commercials than I initially thought.
2. “Bluegrassish”
“Boys kissing boys” once again has a great opening line and a short song featuring only 6 lines, the last of which is just Kinsella screaming “Virginia!” which is apparently his grandmother’s name. I don’t see the connection here personally, but I’ll always get behind the general idea of boys kissing other boys, whether in the presence of a grandma or not.
1. “The Sands’ve Turned Purple”
The first Cap’n Jazz song I ever heard and still my favorite. I’m not sure if it’s an intentional connection, but I have always related this band to jazz music itself, mostly because the difficult-to-understand lyrics are kind of not as important as the emotion conveyed by his voice. Similar to a horn player, you don’t have to know what they are saying to understand what they mean. Does “put the flame hat on” make any sense to me? Not really, but I feel a wave of angsty emotions every time I listen to this one, so they did something right.
Photo by Lester-bangbangs
These cookies are Thin Mints but with raspberry. Thin Mints are the real deal. Raspberry Rally is like the Graves-era version of it.
Dulce de Leche is Spanish for “sweet (made) of milk.” Only Glenn will tell people it’s French for “caramel of the leeches.” This will slightly pique the interest of Jerry Only, but not enough to buy any.
These aren’t even cookies. They’re triangular cheddar crackers. What the fuck, Girl Scouts? Get your shit together.
Pinatas look like pure chaos. They’re oatmeal-based accompanied by a fruit filling topped with a cinnamon and sugar glaze that seems to be drizzled on without rhyme or reason. Glenn won’t be able to memorize all of these features and will choke under pressure when asked follow-up questions.
Lemonades are shortbread cookies with lemon icing. If you’re into lemon-flavored treats then this is your holy grail. But if you’re a normal person you’re probably passing on these.
While these cookies may look delicious on the surface, Glenn is going to rattle off the ingredients in his sales pitch for some reason and blow the whole thing. No one wants to know that these cookies contain something called monocalcium phosphate.
Glenn would pronounce these as “car-mel” instead of “care-a-mel” and no customer could get past that.
Aloha Chips had white chocolate in them. Glenn doesn’t know how to sell anything that isn’t the color black. This one will be a real struggle for him.
If you were in the woods and found one of these on the ground, you might think they were bear turds before they were a dessert or late-night snack. Can’t blame Glenn for this one.
Medallions were introduced to the world in the early ‘80s. This will make Glenn reminisce about his time with Samhain. No one will know what he’s talking about because the Venn Diagram of people who listen to Samhain and people who consume Girl Scout cookies is just two separate circles.
These cookies have a little “thank you” note imprinted on top of them. Glenn is not a fan of foods with words. This will be evident during his sales pitch.
This one will throw Glenn for a curveball when it’s time to sell someone on them. After all, he practiced his sales pitches in the mirror with traditional cookies as his main focus. This will be harder than he thought.
Girl Scout S’mores are like regular s’mores only these say their name on them. Glenn believes this is a distraction and that when it’s snack time, it’s not read time. Danzig has a policy to never mix and match these activities.
These cookies had various animals imprinted on them. Glenn would sell them as a “sugary meat substitute” and turn off potential consumers.
Glenn would get hung up on the name of this one. He isn’t sure whether to emphasize the “Scot” part or the “Tea” part and there isn’t anything about it in the Girl Scouts pamphlet he received beforehand. Not even an FAQ or anything.
These little bite-sized cookies are gluten free. Glenn doesn’t really know what that means for sure, but he has a plan to act like he does. It will soon blow up in his face when he mentions that these cookies do not contain gluteal tissue from a horse. He is technically correct about that part.
Cookies with raisins are like pineapple on pizza. Sure, you are technically allowed to eat that, but have you even considered chocolate chips on your pizza slice?
Little Brownies are free from sugar. Finally, a brownie that doesn’t taste like one.
These are lemon wedges coated in powdered sugar. Glenn wouldn’t know where to start with these ones. Instead, he’ll talk shit about Jerry Only for a few minutes before asking how many boxes he should put you down for.
Apple Cinnamons are the Apple Jacks of Girl Scout cookies. Yes, they are technically cookies, but in a world with Cap n’ Crunch and Lucky Charms, why would you settle for this one? Tough sell.
Glenn will mainly focus on the “royale” part of Praline Royales. He knows an unexpected amount about Queen Elizabeth now that she’s dead. Danzig will go on to talk about other famous royal figures who are not alive anymore and their potential to turn into aristocratic zombies.
PxDx’s debut is the essence of grind. The hard stuff, the pure white. 18 songs in 19 minutes. None of that bullshit like catchy riffing or a standard beat or clear production. This is the band at its most unhinged, for better or worse—mostly the latter if you’re into composition or structure or whatever. If you like tumult as your basis for songwriting and Tyler Durden-endorsed lyricism from vocalist J.R. Hayes like “Perhaps self-sabotage is high evolution,” this one’s for you.
If you’re looking to get into Pig Destroyer, start here. Grindcore purists might yell about blasphemies like occasionally intelligible vocals (!) and professional production (!!), things that make “Head Cage” an inviting record and, thus, not worth your time. A seven-minute song with actual structure and memorable riffs? Fuck outta here! We want 28-second chaotic noise! Ignore the purists. This is PxDx’s version of a gateway drug—the way into the hard stuff. It’s also their most political work, with Hayes trading transgressive vignettes for pithy social commentary like, “The clever ways I’ve devised / For dodging confrontation / How I play devil’s advocate / If I want a second opinion.” Despite guitarist Scott Hull’s snappy riffing and sorta-straightforward song compositions, “Head” isn’t watered-down Pig Destroyer. Instead, this top-five album suggests an alternate reality where the grind quintet evolved into a pretty good groove metal band. Take that how you will.
“Prowler” is the band’s most gruesome work, mostly thanks to its cover that snuff film enthusiasts would swoon over. Despite being a superb grindcore record, you’ll need patience for this one, because a handful of songs go past three minutes. “But my ADHD can’t handle that!” you whine. Deal with it. PxDx made an album with actual production values—so, “Explosions” but without the recorded-in-someone’s-colon aesthetic. Here, you’re able to enjoy and/or be punished by the insanity within. Hull and former drummer Brian Harvey make it easier with inventive playing throughout. And while Hayes was still developing as both vocalist and lyricist, “Eyes like cracked egg shells, empty as life” is as striking a line as anything he’s written. As for whether to go for the original or the remixed and remastered version—that depends on whether or not you’re a poser.
This was the first Pig Destroyer album to get critical acclaim from Pitchfork. Set that icky fact aside, though. “Phantom Limb” is an excellent grind album. It’s here where they started to play with groove metal riffage and something approaching a chorus. Meanwhile, Hayes’ vocals are psychotically rabid, and he gets to the heart of it in a handful of words: “I don’t have any scars / Only dormant wounds / That crack like fault lines.” Indeed, Hayes’ characters have a looser grip on reality than a QAnon follower. Be careful quoting Hayes’ career-best writing, though: “Your legs look so sexy out of context” works as a stunningly demented poetry submission, but less so as a pickup line.
After “Phantom Limb’s” law-breaking critical success—grindcore isn’t supposed to be liked or covered by normies — Pig Destroyer went back to the grind (sorry) for their outstanding fifth record, “Book Burner.” 19 songs in 32 minutes—in other words: the way it should be. This might be a reaction to the reaction (how meta!), but it was the correct one. Hayes again proved he’s one of the best writers in extreme music, with “Book” featuring several of his best story songs, including one about a serial killer who’s really hands-on, and another about the best brother in history who breaks his sister out of a mental institution. Hull’s best-sounding-demo-ever production is the clearest of the band’s career to this point, making it easy to pick out every aspect of the madness. This is the premier grindcore record of the 2010s, and you’ll only disagree because you haven’t heard it.
PxDx’s finest full-length is perfectly named, and includes Hayes’ most tortured performances. He sounds like his entire body is on fire. When I’m on fire, I’m just yelling for help and rolling around on the ground like an idiot; this dude is reciting beautifully fucked up flash fiction. Hayes filled “Terrifyer” with enough obsession and self-loathing to make Travis Bickle cringe: “When she touches me / It’s like a rodent sifting through garbage / But it’s better than just rotting away.” Additionally, this is PxDx’s first record with clear production. It’s also the first one where the songs don’t all sound alike. There’s, like, actual arrangement to them (with minimal rule-breaking) and neat riffing throughout. It’s almost as if actual compositions make for an engaging listen. What a concept.
