Well we finally did it, we quit smoking. Thanks to willpower, an Elf bar, a nicotine patch, and nicotine gum for emergencies we are proudly no longer a slave to the demon cigarettes. Now we just need to remember what it is people do all day when they don’t smoke. Days are SO LONG!
We decided to pass the time by finally taking in all those prestige television shows we’ve been meaning to get to. Unfortunately, we started with “Mad Men,” and it feels like god is testing us.
This show is straight-up smoking porn. Prestige, well-produced period piece smoking porn. Is it even legal to have a show that makes smoking seem this cool on television? Here’s every character on Mad Men ranked by HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I NEED A SMOKE!
63. Lee Garner Jr.
You would think that on a list of “Mad Men” characters who make us want to smoke, the heir to the Lucky Strike empire would rank high, but no. One look at this machiavellian, manipulative, predatory fuckhead and all we can think about is violence. He’s probably the most punchable character in Mad Men, and that’s saying a lot.
62. Bert Cooper
“Stop smoking so much—it’s a sign of weakness.” Bert’s right on the money about that one. The only time the man who puts the Cooper in Sterling Cooper makes us want to duck out and light up is when he starts telling us to check out Ayn Rand.
61. Bob Benson
Bob’s all about positivity and good vibes. And appearances. And duplicitousness. And maybe murder? Anyway, he’s not about cigs.
60. Bonnie Whiteside
She managed to get Pete Campbell to chill the fuck out, so this woman can pretty much do anything. I assume she doesn’t want me to smoke, so the pack I have hidden inside a lunchbox buried in my backyard will stay closed.
59. Sally Draper
We only see Sally smoke twice: once when she gets caught by her mom and locked in a closet, and another time when her mom decides to reward her with one. God parenting was easy in the ‘60s. Anyway, that child actor still has a lot to learn about making smoking look cool.
58. Harry Crane
Harry is a despicable parasite. I can only remember him being earnestly kind toward another character once and even then he still got with the dudes girl. Nothing Crane does looks cool, not even smoking, the coolest thing you can do.
57. Father John Gill
Another non-smoker, and a passive-aggressive judgy one at that. Actually, that does kind of make us want one. Hmm.
56. Ida Blankenship
If Ida makes you wanna light up you probably think Maxine comics are pretty funny. Ida is there to suppress base urges not encourage them, right Don?
55. John Mathis
Can’t remember if he even smokes, but if he does you know he makes it look terrible. John’s defining attribute is not being able to pull things off.
54. Allison
The last thing we see her do is throw a cigarette dispenser at Don. He deserved it, and then some, but it doesn’t tempt us to go to the bar down the street and dig through the ashtray outside to see if there are any snipes left in there.
53. Greg Harris
He doesn’t make us want to smoke more than any other baby in the world, which is to say a little bit, but only if we’re in the room with him.
52. Lou Avery
Lou doesn’t smoke, scouts honor. He is also incapable of expressing passion or feeling joy in any way. No one wants to be like Lou, and if he did smoke it would actually be a powerful deterrent.
51. Bobby Draper
He’s the most innocent character on the show, so why do we kinda want one already? Oh man, this is gonna be a long list.
50. Henry Francis
This rank-and-file conservative shill is too square to make us want a smoke, and yet we want one. You can wear two patches at once right?
49. Joey Baird
Joey’s charming on the surface but eventually we see his attitude toward women is so toxic it’s cancelable even by ‘60s standards. You know what else seems super charming on the surface despite its known toxicity right now? A fucking smoke.
48. Bobbie Barrett
Jimmy Barrett’s overly ambitious wife/manager is bad news, and Don knows it right away. Why does he sleep with her anyway? Because the man has an addiction. Sexy, delicious addiction. Maybe we’ll try the gum and the patch together?
47. Jane Sterling
Getting involved with Jane is a lot like going back to cigs. Clearly a huge mistake that the whole office will judge you for, but hard to resist.
46. Caroline
If we had to be Roger’s secretary we would smoke three packs a day. That’s a lot of fires to put out all day, you might as well enjoy some.
45. Shirley
Remember that whole thing she went through with Peggy and the flowers? How the hell do you even navigate that kind of awkwardness without sweet sweet nicotine?
44. Clara
It’s impossible to be Pete’s secretary without smoking at least a pack a day. Actually it’s impossible to have anything to do with Pete Campbell and not smoke a pack a day.
43. Midge Daniels
She’s probably strung out and chain-smoking at William S. Burroughs’ place right now, daddio.
42. Jimmy Barrett
You couldn’t be a comedian in the ‘60s without cigarettes, it wasn’t even allowed. A pack of Lucky Strikes has a writing credit on “Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.”
41. Anita Olson Respola
Peggy’s sister drudges up a lot of negative feelings. Jealousy, spite, judgment… all feelings that go great with a Marlboro.
40. Meredith
All you have to do is sit behind a desk and smoke and Meredith will tell you what a great job you’re doing and mean it.
The former Governor of New Jersey seemed to realize his chances at winning the nomination were slim, so he used his limited speaking time to push his clumsily-named new podcast “Chris Christie Rewatches The Sopranos and Then He Talks About the Episode w/ Chris Christie.” When asked about continued support for Israel Christie said “That reminds me about Tony Soprano’s continued support of Chrissy Moltisanti. I actually just had Michael Imperioli’s former assistant on the latest episode of the podcast which is available wherever you get podcasts.” Christie closed by urging Americans to use promo code “ChrisChristieRewatchesTheSopranosandThenHeTalksAbouttheEpisode” for 25% off their first HelloFresh order.
Haley has been critical of Ramaswamy’s use of TikTok, which led to Ramaswamy calling out Haley’s daughter for being active on the social media platform. This caused a tense exchange which, as it soon became clear, was all sort of some sick psycho-sexual foreplay between the two candidates. Haley called Ramaswamy “Scum” and he replied “I’m so fucking hard right now, my dick is about to knock over this lectern.” Haley then turned to the moderators and asked “Does this building have flood insurance? Because my pussy is so wet it’s about to raise the sea level.”
The South Carolina Senator seemed distracted throughout the night and had trouble staying on message. “I don’t think it’s out of the question to ask your Uber driver to turn down the music in the car, but this guy seemed offended when I asked and then started smoking with all the windows up,” said Scott when asked about Biden’s handling of the economy. “I tried telling him I needed to focus because I was coming to this debate, and then he told me if I didn’t leave him a good tip he would say I tried kissing his neck.” Scott then asked for help contacting Uber’s customer service.
The two presidential hopefuls shared a terse exchange about their political experience levels which led the Florida governor to say “I want you inside me so bad right now, like I wish you could split me in half in front of all these people.” Ramaswamy responded by saying “It’s like I have a cinderblock made out of flesh in my underwear right now. Did we ever find out if this place had flood insurance? because I’m about to cum so much it will raise the sea level.”
When moderators asked Ron DeSantis how he feels about the current poll numbers he replied “SMOKIN’!” and then danced around the stage for two minutes before returning to the podium and screaming “SOMEBODY STOP ME!” This led to an exchange with Chris Christie where Christie admitted his favorite Jim Carrey movie is “The Number 23.” The audience responded to the admission with a chorus of boos.
Following a tense exchange over their support of former president Trump, Chris Christie said to Ramaswamy “I’ve got a plump New Jersey sausage that I want you to devour.” Ramaswamy then admitted he does not feel a spark with Christie, saying “Most of this debate I’ve been so rock hard that I’ve felt lightheaded, but you caused my penis to get so soft that I’m afraid it might disintegrate.” Christie tried to laugh it off by saying “I was just kidding anyway,” but he was clearly about to cry.
“Sometimes when I’m driving at night it’s tough to see people in the crosswalk, and yeah my car is always covered in random dents and blood because of it,” said Haley. “That’s why if I become president my first order of business will be making sure the sun stays out 24 hours a day.” Haley did not apologize to any of the families she hit with her car, but does hope they will be able to vote for her.
Towards the end of the evening, Ramaswamy admitted he wished Asa Hutchinson qualified for the debate because “That man’s mouth is like a velvet-lined vacuum” and Mike Pence “Did things to me that made me see God, and cum buckets.” Ramaswamy then made it a point to remind Chris Christie that he is not invited to the orgy, which Christie claimed he didn’t want to attend anyway because he had a sexier orgy to attend.
This may sound cold, as we really wanted to rank this one higher than the bottom slot, but after much reflection, love, light, and prayers to the main man upstairs, Barry “Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli” Zuckercorn, we couldn’t do so in good conscience. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again ad nauseam, it’s tough for a band with a revered and expansive catalog like Gob to consistently put out hit after hit after hit after hit. So, “Apt. 13” is go-od, but not gr-eh-at, so it legally has to start this piece, and we see no counter argument for such unless we do. Still, any Gob release is an enjoyable romp, making it the same as it ever was, so “Apt. 13” is better than some band’s best LPs. We think that the long gap between this one and its predecessor “Muertos Vivos” didn’t help its cause.
Since we just semi-brutally dissected the band’s newest LP “Apt. 13,” let’s get to their oldest right this very moment, Gob’s cult favorite debut LP “Too Late… No Friends.” This record is definitely fun AF for kids of all ages with dirty mouths and minds, but the songs don’t translate as well from a songwriting and production standpoint in 2023 as they likely did in the mid-90s. To put it bluntly, all vocals and instruments got so much better for the next five, but this record’s charm is what got it ranked just above the dreaded lowest position here at number six. Also, you know you’re in for quite a treat when your album’s longest song clocks in at two minutes and seventeen seconds and is called “Asshole TV,” and that the second longest is named after WWF, not WWE’s, Goldust’s slimy savvy vixen seductive smokeshow valet Marlena.
Slots three and four here in this piece could be swapped depending on the day, but on this very day, Ellin beats Sleepyhead by a small yet winning margin; that’s just the way that it is, morons with 144 problems. Gob’s third LP “The World According to Gob” not only features their own band name in its title, but as of today, certainly yesterday, and likely tomorrow, is their best selling effort, Juno, yes Juno nominated, and officially certified Gold in Canada. Also, as you may or may not know, “I Hear You Calling” is likely Gob’s biggest hit in Canada and “hit” stateside, so you can listen to it twice: once here, and once on its follow-up “Foot in Mouth Disease.” In closing, “The World According To Gob” has the band’s coolest cover art.
After a fun, fun, fun release via Arista Records, then-home to peers who never took off called Wakefield, (freaking) OutKast, nu-metal sludgers with a heart of gold and stone known as Adema, and KIDZ BOP superstar GG Allin, called “F.U. EP” shortly after “The World According To Gob” hit stores, the four-piece released their fourth studio album “Foot In Mouth Disease.” and said record is WAY too slept on for its own good. We wish that the world was more according to Gob than other mid pop-punk acts that did better domestically during the early-aughts, and we are not specifically singling anyone out in print, so you can surmise who we are referring to in your bones, cold feet, this evil world, and boring lives. We’re forever fed up with the music industry, but don’t worry, we won’t cut ourselves whilst we are in deep thought about spoiled lemon-aid.
This is a non-shallow substantive, yet bite-sized Jordans Morning Crisp Wild About Berries cereal box commentary regarding Gob’s last ‘90s release: “How Far Shallow Takes You” is easily one of the most enjoyable melodic punk rock albums of all time, and “236 E. Broadway,” a track covered perfectly by Silverstein on “Short Songs,” might be the best opening track to ANY late-90s rock record; we’re the self-appointed leaders of musical authority, so we will forever stand, deliver, bury your past, and paint it, black. Ok? Cool! Also, “How Far Shallow Takes You,” for lack of a better term, took the band to their biggest heights at the time, and certainly caused “suits” to take notice, and Nettwerk Management proved such by re-releasing the then-Fearless Records, err, release. Together things happen all the time, so please assist in letting love reign o’er me, you, all we are, and Crown Royal.
Why isn’t number #5, #4, or #2 in the gold medal slot in this stupid bad take article ranking all of Gob’s studio albums? Well we have two words for you that apply to every season: You’re wrong. Wake up, face the ashes, get a new prescription to pain medication, and check out this “no skip” slept upon Gob release right this very moment. Still feel nothing, banshees? Pity. “Muertos Vivos” is Gob at their angry best, and said emotion is translated perfectly in musical form here. This album is the literal dawning of the age of Aquarius, the living dead declaring war on cemeteries, Ash Wednesday, and your least favorite family member, likely named Tula. In conclusion, the band’s moms may be concerned with what Gob became, but we love their 2007 headstrong, heavy, huggable, and hellish vibe.
Monarch says that when he first met Dr. Girlfriend she looked like Saffron from Republica. This is accurate in her flashbacks as the name Queen Etherea. The exact dates of these flashbacks are unknown, but it hints at when Queen Elizabeth secretly retook control of England’s Republic
In The Forecast Manufacturer, The Monarch and 21 are wearing wetsuits which he claims make him look like they’re in the Cult Of Personality music video. It kind of looks like that enough since the singer is wearing a bright colored onesie. Can you think of any cults that center around “personality” or perhaps “personality tests”? We are not allowed to say as they fund this website, but much like the episode, they control the weather.
In “Assisted Suicide,” 21 completely butchers “Don’t You Want Me” by The Human League with a completely different rhythm than the actual one. Or did he? What he sang was the real rhythm of the song that only the elites are allowed to know about. This will also likely be the only reference to New Wave or ’80s music on this list.
While goofing off in a mech suit, Pete White sings the song “Robots” by Kraftwerk. We as Americans are not slacking off in real life due to an electronic music classic, or so the Germans have us believe.
Two of Dr. Z’s evil friends include Shrill Spectre and Scarry Nilsson. Shrill Spectre attacks with a Wall of Sound and a huge guess here, probably also likes trying to shoot people. Harry Nilsson wrote “The Point,” which takes place in a society that refuses to believe that nothing can exist without a point. Harry Nilsson was a discordian agent that Venture Bros wants you to think is equal to murderers like Spectre.
Brock loves Led Zeppelin. He references Led Zeppelin all the time in the show until the end of season 2 when he gets a tattoo of Icarus without wings. Whatever the show was trying to tell us, they were letting us know that they were flying too close to the sun on that one and got their wings clipped.
Dr. Z has a Clueless-style fantasy of going on a shopping montage and dressing Guild Agent S-464 to look like Prince Charming-era Adam Ant. Adam Ant is secretly in control of all future fashion trends and has the ones for the next 30 years planned out.
To cover up the fact that he has six eyes, Jared wears an ’80s headband that welcomes him to be compared to the band Loverboy and Mark Knopfler from Dire Straits by bullies. Mark Knopfler is also who The Monarch is supposed to be when he’s playing party games in “Home Is Where The Hate Is.” Both The Monarch and Jared are awkwardly tall. Dire Straits is most famous these days for containing arguably the first CGI in television. The tall people are responsible for the evil replacement of CGI with practical effects in movies.
Dr. Dugong protects himself and the cuttlefish with Mr. Roboto from the Styx music video. Styx is known for being lame music. They want you to think manatees and cuttlefish are lame to avoid people from seeing what is really hiding in the ocean.
In Rusty’s dorm room, he has knock-off posters for bands such as Pink Floyd and Yes but strangely just straight up the poster for the album “You” by Gong. You is the final part of the “Radio Gnome Invisible” trilogy and VB is telling You that it’s the only thing that is true.
Colonel Gentleman’s full name is Colonel Horace Gentleman, a reference to the nickname Horace Gentlemen for the bass player for the Specials. Colonel Gentlemen is full of Sean Connery references, so this is the secret wink that Sean Connery is actually the bass player for the Specials.
Did you know that the creators of the show also release Christmas songs every year? Some include joke versions of “Fairytale In New York” by The Pogues, “Hard Candy Christmas” by Dolly Parton, and “A Spaceman Came Travelling” by Chris De Burgh. These aren’t even in the show, this is extra homework needed to be done. They are likely released as a part of a blood pact deal with Santa and the consumerist leaders.
While at the altar for The Monarch’s wedding, Dr. Venture quotes lines from “Jessie’s Girl” by Rick Springfield. Oddly enough, the song was originally going to be called “Gary’s Girl” but Springfield decided to change it. Gary(21) is in love with The Monarch’s wife not unlike Dr. Venture. Isn’t that a fun fact? Where was I going with this one?
Captain Sunshine is a Superman parallel with the power of sunshine. Though unconfirmed, this is likely a reference to the Donovan song “Sunshine Superman.” His sidekick meanwhile, is probably-not-by-coincidence the same name as the song “Wonderboy” by the Kinks. If you play both songs at the same time, you will find where exactly on the sun the real president lives.
When an Andy Warhol-themed group of villains take over Doctor Venture’s building, the Andy Warhol-like Wes Warhammer recreates the scene from Oliver Stone’s “The Doors” biopic in which Crispen Glover plays Andy Warhol. Crispen Glover actually does have a phone that lets him speak to God.
Council of 13 members Red Mantle and Dragoon are heavily implied to be Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper sewn together. This is based off the truth that the day the music died was actually not the literal death of music but rather the sewing together of genres. The Big Bopper claims he invented hip hop so by being sewn together they represent the creation of Nu Metal in the late 1950s.
Watch or Ward apparently has too many Yaz albums. Yaz, or Yazoo as the people who think their British call them, only released two albums so the others are just the same songs as compilations and remixes. Or so the nonelite are to believe. Yazoo has created multiple albums only billionaires are allowed to know about.
In “20 Years To Midnight,” Doctor Venture shouts out the name of the South African Chorus group Ladysmith Black Mambazo as an exclamation. Later on in the episode The Pirate Captain shouts out Jesus Jones as if an exclamation as well, but then is revealed he was remembering one of his favorite bands. You can connect the dots from there.
When King Gorilla is emaciated from falling ill, The Monarch compares how he looks in his clothes to David Byrnes wearing the giant suit in “Stop Making Sense.” This is because David Byrnes is the real Koko The Gorilla and there’s no real explanation why.
While explaining the birds and the bees to Dean, Doctor Venture somehow uses the music video to “Here I Go Again” to help explain things. Specifically about how the singer left his wife for the model in the music video leading to what Rusty and Brock both believe was the band’s downfall. Tawny Kitaen did cause Whitesnake’s downfall but because she was the one who worked with the Illuminati to destroy all hair metal with grunge.
