20. Marie Calvet
She’s foxy mature Eurotrash who smokes and thinks she’s better than us, and when we’re done compiling this list that’s exactly what we’re typing into the search bar on Xhamster.
19. Megan Draper
She reminds us of every unstable relationship we had in our 20s, which is to say she reminds us of every relationship we had in our 20s, which is to say god I need a fucking smoke.
18. Mona Sterling
We mostly see Mona smoking and telling Roger how pathetic he is, which makes us want a cigarette and a number of other things. Do you think she’s into trampling?
17. Freddy Rumsen
If you become such a drunk you piss yourself at work and then stop, you get to smoke cigs for the rest of your life guilt-free. Recovering alcoholics have it so good!
16. Anna Draper
Anyone who catches you stealing the identity of their dead husband and decides to be cool about it is not going to judge you for breaking down and having one goddamn smoke.
15. Conrad Hilton
It’s impossible to be around anyone that rich, crazy, and old without wanting a smoke. It’s the Walt Disney/Howard Hughes effect.
14. Lois Sadler
She’s the one who ran over that guy’s foot with the lawnmower. You need a smoke after something like that. He’ll never golf again!
13. Rachel Menken
Rachel knows she needs to put up a tough-as-nails front to be taken seriously in a man’s world, and she applies that attitude to everything she does, including smoking. She does that thing where she effortlessly holds it away from herself as if to say “I don’t even need this,” or if you pitch her an idea she doesn’t like she can eviscerate it with one dismissive wave of her smoke. God, we miss that fake confidence.
12. Sylvia Rosen
Of all the infidelity on “Mad Men,” a show that may as well have been called “Infidelity,” the affair between Sylvia and Don is the steamiest and thus the most nic-fit-inducing.
11. Abe Drexler
Abe is a lot like us when we used to smoke. Young, idealistic, angry, politically involved, angry, moving to the slums of New York with all the cool artsy types, angry, weighing down our career-driven partner with our man-child bullshit, and most of all fucking angry. Anyway, we’re gonna go see if we left a smoke in our leather jacket we used to wear in 2009.
10. Helen Bishop
Smoking away the stresses of being a single parent to a kid like Glen never looked so good.
9. Paul Kinsey
Paul makes us want to light up, not in a “this guy is so cool and sexy” way but in a “let’s stay up all night on grass writing ‘Star Trek’ fanfiction” kind of way, which is compelling in its own right.
8. Pete Campbell
The highest-ranking non-smoker on the list, just the sound of Pete’s voice makes us want to impatiently breathe smoke right in his ivy league entitled slimeball face. The fact that you sort of like him by the end of the show is a testament to the power of prestige television, but 80% of the time, fuck this greasy little worm.
7. Salvatore Romano
No one makes smoking look more natural and essential than closeted gay art directors from the ‘50s and ‘60s, it’s a fact.
6. Ted Chaough
Ted doesn’t smoke but he does fly airplanes through dangerous storms when he’s feeling low, so like, maybe he should.
5. Joan Holloway
For decades tobacco companies worked tirelessly and spent untold millions getting Americans to associate smoking with sex. And then God created Joan. She’s where the term “smokeshow” comes from, the reason cartoon wolves pound on tables and shout “aoooogaa!” and she’s why we just googled “How bad is it to put a nicotine patch on your eye?”
4. Peggy Olson
Just thinking about Peggy makes us want to stress-smoke. Don’s protege does plenty of climbing, especially for a woman in the ‘60s, but her life never seems to get any easier. We all know what it’s like to deal with the pressure of our capability going underappreciated and underpaid. Well, most of us do. If you don’t YOU’RE THE REASON WE SMOKE!
3. Betty Draper
Yes, we would give just about anything to share a cigarette with Betty, and if she wants to put hers out on our arm when she’s done that would be just fine. We know what a disappointment we’ve been to her, and we deserve to be punished.
2. Roger Sterling
Quitting smoking now greatly reduces the risk of heart disease and cancer. You know what else helps prevent cancer? Living it up and cracking-wise! With the one exception of “My Old Kentucky Home,” Roger has the charisma and charm to make anything seem like a good idea, up to and including sex with Roger. When he offers other characters cigarettes, we actually reach toward the screen.
1. Don Draper
Not even gonna try to be cool and put the obvious choice 2nd or 3rd here, Don is number one with a bullet and you know it. We can’t so much as cheat on our spouse, have a harrowing flashback to our former life as Dick Whitman, or neglect our estranged brother into suicide without imagining Daddy Draper lighting up a tantalizing sun-cured Lucky Strike cigarette.