Well we finally did it, we quit smoking. Thanks to willpower, an Elf bar, a nicotine patch, and nicotine gum for emergencies we are proudly no longer a slave to the demon cigarettes. Now we just need to remember what it is people do all day when they don’t smoke. Days are SO LONG!
We decided to pass the time by finally taking in all those prestige television shows we’ve been meaning to get to. Unfortunately, we started with “Mad Men,” and it feels like god is testing us.
This show is straight-up smoking porn. Prestige, well-produced period piece smoking porn. Is it even legal to have a show that makes smoking seem this cool on television? Here’s every character on Mad Men ranked by HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I NEED A SMOKE!
63. Lee Garner Jr.
You would think that on a list of “Mad Men” characters who make us want to smoke, the heir to the Lucky Strike empire would rank high, but no. One look at this machiavellian, manipulative, predatory fuckhead and all we can think about is violence. He’s probably the most punchable character in Mad Men, and that’s saying a lot.
62. Bert Cooper
“Stop smoking so much—it’s a sign of weakness.” Bert’s right on the money about that one. The only time the man who puts the Cooper in Sterling Cooper makes us want to duck out and light up is when he starts telling us to check out Ayn Rand.
61. Bob Benson
Bob’s all about positivity and good vibes. And appearances. And duplicitousness. And maybe murder? Anyway, he’s not about cigs.
60. Bonnie Whiteside
She managed to get Pete Campbell to chill the fuck out, so this woman can pretty much do anything. I assume she doesn’t want me to smoke, so the pack I have hidden inside a lunchbox buried in my backyard will stay closed.
59. Sally Draper
We only see Sally smoke twice: once when she gets caught by her mom and locked in a closet, and another time when her mom decides to reward her with one. God parenting was easy in the ‘60s. Anyway, that child actor still has a lot to learn about making smoking look cool.
58. Harry Crane
Harry is a despicable parasite. I can only remember him being earnestly kind toward another character once and even then he still got with the dudes girl. Nothing Crane does looks cool, not even smoking, the coolest thing you can do.
57. Father John Gill
Another non-smoker, and a passive-aggressive judgy one at that. Actually, that does kind of make us want one. Hmm.
56. Ida Blankenship
If Ida makes you wanna light up you probably think Maxine comics are pretty funny. Ida is there to suppress base urges not encourage them, right Don?
55. John Mathis
Can’t remember if he even smokes, but if he does you know he makes it look terrible. John’s defining attribute is not being able to pull things off.
The last thing we see her do is throw a cigarette dispenser at Don. He deserved it, and then some, but it doesn’t tempt us to go to the bar down the street and dig through the ashtray outside to see if there are any snipes left in there.
53. Greg Harris
He doesn’t make us want to smoke more than any other baby in the world, which is to say a little bit, but only if we’re in the room with him.
52. Lou Avery
Lou doesn’t smoke, scouts honor. He is also incapable of expressing passion or feeling joy in any way. No one wants to be like Lou, and if he did smoke it would actually be a powerful deterrent.
51. Bobby Draper
He’s the most innocent character on the show, so why do we kinda want one already? Oh man, this is gonna be a long list.
50. Henry Francis
This rank-and-file conservative shill is too square to make us want a smoke, and yet we want one. You can wear two patches at once right?
49. Joey Baird
Joey’s charming on the surface but eventually we see his attitude toward women is so toxic it’s cancelable even by ‘60s standards. You know what else seems super charming on the surface despite its known toxicity right now? A fucking smoke.
48. Bobbie Barrett
Jimmy Barrett’s overly ambitious wife/manager is bad news, and Don knows it right away. Why does he sleep with her anyway? Because the man has an addiction. Sexy, delicious addiction. Maybe we’ll try the gum and the patch together?
47. Jane Sterling
Getting involved with Jane is a lot like going back to cigs. Clearly a huge mistake that the whole office will judge you for, but hard to resist.
If we had to be Roger’s secretary we would smoke three packs a day. That’s a lot of fires to put out all day, you might as well enjoy some.
Remember that whole thing she went through with Peggy and the flowers? How the hell do you even navigate that kind of awkwardness without sweet sweet nicotine?
It’s impossible to be Pete’s secretary without smoking at least a pack a day. Actually it’s impossible to have anything to do with Pete Campbell and not smoke a pack a day.
43. Midge Daniels
She’s probably strung out and chain-smoking at William S. Burroughs’ place right now, daddio.
42. Jimmy Barrett
You couldn’t be a comedian in the ‘60s without cigarettes, it wasn’t even allowed. A pack of Lucky Strikes has a writing credit on “Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.”
41. Anita Olson Respola
Peggy’s sister drudges up a lot of negative feelings. Jealousy, spite, judgment… all feelings that go great with a Marlboro.
All you have to do is sit behind a desk and smoke and Meredith will tell you what a great job you’re doing and mean it.