Anyone old enough to have joint pain they’ve accepted to be permanent now can tell you, the ‘80s were awesome! America was the greatest nation on earth, the movies just kept getting better, and hyper-masculine hunks of plastic from a cartoon were giving us all funny feelings in our shorts.
Out of all the rad iconic animation to come out of the ‘80s, “Masters of the Universe” reigned supreme in terms of making us feel confused in a way we felt vaguely ashamed of but ultimately curious about. We’ve taken all the characters from the original run of this beloved action/fantasy cartoon and ranked them by how significant a role they played in our sexual activation. Bodacious!
34. Webstor
“Masters of the Universe” did a bang-up job tying our budding sexual desires to various human/animal hybrid creatures, but the spider guy just never grabbed us. Too spidery!
33. Trap Jaw
Even as children with zero carnal knowledge, we knew that sex and anything called “Trap Jaw” just didn’t mix.
32. Screeech
Skeletor’s pet attack falcon is possibly the least sexy bird creature on Eternia, and that’s coming from someone who is strongly, inexplicably aroused by “Masters of the Universe” bird creatures.
31. Man-E-Faces
Man-E-Faces was a villain turned hero with the ability to, you guessed it, change his face. His amazing power to have the face of a human, a robot, or a monster allowed him to uh… do that. Yeah, pretty pointless at the end of the day, and not very sexy. He couldn’t even use all three faces at the same time! If he could do that then oh hell yeah, let’s talk, but nah.
30. Cringer
Cringer is Prince Adam’s pet cuck, I mean cat. Frankly, we prefer him in his Battle Cat form. Without the Power of Grayskull Cringer is a total bottom.
29. Two Bad
Sometimes we would hold our Two Bad action figure and meditate on the duality of human nature, and what this innate duplicitousness meant to our cusping sexual identity. Other times we would think to ourselves “Hey, why am I thinking about this shit? I’m 9.”
28. Modulok
Though sort of a minor character in the cartoon, the Modulock action figure was cool as hell because it came with over 20 interlocking pieces. The idea was that since his body was amorphous, you could mix and match the pieces to create your own unique version of Modulok every time you played with him. No matter how many different combos we tried, they always seemed to look like genitals.
27. Spikor
Spikor planted the seed that Pinhead grew into the sapling that would one day become the tree of us spending $900 on a spiked pleather onesie marketed as “Daddy Pain.”
26. Kobra Khan
Kobra Khan was often partnered up with Webstor, and it’s easy to see who got all the sex appeal in that duo. To this day his calculating sinisterness, snake accent, and ability to produce knockout spray from his mouth still arouse the darkest recesses of our fantasies.
25. Whiplash
Whiplash quickly rose through the ranks of Skeletor’s crew, and it’s not hard to see why. With his take-charge attitude, powerful phallic tail, and a head that resembled our mean neighbor Frank, Whiplash really projected authority. Plus his design kinda makes him look like he’s always wearing a tank top and briefs. Sir yes sir!
24. Panthor
There was just something about the feel of his toy’s velvety purple skin that seemed to activate something in us like it was opening the door to a whole spectrum of possibilities both terrifying and tantalizing.
23. Tri-Klops
One man with the power of 3 cyclopses? We would be powerless to stop this brute… not that we would want to!
22. Mer-Man
Come on, all of the inherent eroticism of merpeople coupled with the fact that he has legs and therefore presumably genitals? You can’t tell us this guy doesn’t pique your curiosity. Admit it, you wanna know what he’s working with down there.
21. Dree Elle
It’s the veil, it’s just so alluring. You can’t help but wonder what she’s working with under that thing. Probably a black faceless void, same as all Trollans, but still!
20. Mekaneck
Mekaneck was a master spy because of his ability to extend his neck by several feet. If you were a bad guy up to no good several feet above Meganeck, he knew the score. See cause he has this helmet head, and that head extends up by the metal shaft in his neck anytime he gets curious or excited about something. Like maybe he hears a bad guy, or a crime happening, or his “aunt” who was actually just his mom’s best friend so isn’t really his aunt is wearing pantyhose smoking a cigarette with her legs crossed, or like WHATEVER! Anyway, there was something about owning the Meganeck toy that just made us feel confident.
19. Skeletor
Even as kids we knew having a prurient interest in Eternia’s most powerful villain was wrong, but that’s what made it so irresistible. Sure he’s a living skeleton, but this skeleton is jacked as fuck. Skeletor’s plans always revolved around “getting” people. He would be like “We’ll lure He-man somewhere under false pretenses, and then, we’ll GET HIM!” What happens after he gets someone? The show leaves it up to the viewer’s imagination, and that’s what makes it so erotic.
18. Beast Man
When it came to giving kids confusing feelings about human/beast hybrids, the Beast from “Beauty and the Beast” will always reign supreme, but for old-school kids who were too cool for Disney, there was Beast Man. Are you seriously going to try to convince us this character didn’t have a sexual undertone when his action figure literally came with a whip AND dat ass? Mattel knows what they’re doing.
17. Battle Cat
Cringer is a pathetic worm of a cat, but when he is imbued with the Power of Grayskull and puts on some bondage gear he becomes the ferocious Battle Cat. At a young age Battle Cat instilled us with the notion that the right gear could make us feel powerful.
16. Buzz-Off
We gotta spell it out for you? Dudes name is “Buzz-off!”
Every band has to start somewhere, and Shades Apart’s lone-1980s self-titled LP proves just that. You punks will all claim to love Orange County, California’s Uniform Choice, but we know the truth, and that you only know that one U.C. “Straight and Aware” longsleeve. Anyway, the two Pats of Uniform Choice, P. Dubar and P. Longrie, signed the band to their personal Wishingwell Records label, and put out SA’s debut just after the punk AF George Bush, Junior’s CIA poppa dog was elected Commander-in-chief. Though imperfect like most first records, we believe that the band’s self-titled studio album deserves your time, especially if you’re a hardcore Shades Apart fan and want to hear them literally come of age in sonic form.
Shades Apart’s second/final major label effort, which led to the band going into hibernation for almost twenty years, (we’ll get to that in a bit) was a misfire by definition that landed in a, you guessed it, sonic boom. Perhaps the band would have churned several more LPs by now, instead of just one, if “Sonic Boom” was morphed into a four or five-song no-filler EP, but, alas, the band got shot down by themselves. Still, it would have been quite tough for any band to release a follow-up album to “Eyewitness,” so we can understandably cut the band some slack.
Shortly after the band released their “Dude Danger” EP in 1992, the band put out their second LP “Neon” via St. Paul, Minnesota indie label Skene! Records. This album is likely the good luck charm and sole reason that Revelation Records, then home to post-hardcore legends Farside, Into Another, Iceburn, and Kelly Pickler, signed SA, “Neon” is the band’s first consistent effort front to back, and at just nine blistering tracks, it bashes you in the skull with melodic sensibilities that also work as aggressive lullabies until its finish at just over a half an hour. We’re forever calling for Skene! to upload this LP to DSPs so we can listen to it on a platform not called YouTube.
The COVID-19 pandemic was strange for all of us, but one of the better surprises occurred in the summer of 2020 when Shades Apart released their (lucky) seventh full-length “Eternal Echo,” and it ended up becoming their finest LP from this century. Happily, it’s mostly light not in terms of subject, but in regards to brightness and overall quality here! Lots of recording/songwriting technology changed from 2001 to the year that “Eternal Echo” came out, and the band took advantage of such for this album’s creation in the best way. Perhaps if it was released as album #6, things would have been different, but, as an interesting, at least to us, posit, maybe the failure of “Sonic Boom” inspired the victory of this effort.
Likely your favorite release here, unless we’re wrong, but we know that we aren’t, Shades Apart’s debut LP for Revelation Records, “Save It,” is a solid record front to back with the band’s finest original compositions at that time, but it is most known for its “Tainted Love” cover, which is so good it is our “play it again” track below… By the way, that is NOT a bad thing! Fun fact: Synthpop duo Soft Cell’s “classic” non-secret life version is also a cover song, so this version is a cover of a Gloria Jones cover. There is nothing new under the sun. Anyway, reverential doo-wop pioneers Descendents members Bill Stevenson and Stephen Egerton produced this raw yet polished effort to a “T,” and set the band up for the next successful six years or so.
First of all, we hope that DSPs eventually fix the typo in the second word to this album title, as not only is “Seeing Thing” not grammatically correct, it is wrong and the person who uploaded it should be chastised forever and ever. By far Shades Apart’s best non-major label LP, “Seeing Things” is also one of the better/more underrated melodic punk rock albums of the ’90s. Why doesn’t it get its justifiable flowers? Beats us, but we will get over it, turn it back around, and provide a fearless bravado with our fist(s). Also, this LP contains little filler, but we legally had to list one song in the “skip it” section, so we did below. While this studio album is the silver medalist, the divide between number one and two would be smaller if said track was eliminated and the record was just ten tracks.
Speaking of underrated, Shades Apart’s fifth full-length studio album and major label debut for Universal Records is one of the more overlooked rock albums of the ’90s, and try to disagree once you listen for the first time or revisit for the 1999th. There are no “skip it” tracks here at all. In addition, not every band can make the shift from melodic punk rock to beyond melodic pop rock so effortlessly but not every band is SA… What a major label debut! We will forever wish that the band rose to major headliner status, but sadly that’s not how the underground cookie with stevia and salt crumbled. Still, the band had a minor radio hit with track four, “Valentine,” and we can’t scoff at that. We’ll see ourselves out and make our escape at the end of “Casablanca”.
You’d think we’d be stupid enough to even ask Susie to help lift a bass cab? All we’d get is her screaming at us that we’re a fat, bald, or four-eyed fuck the whole time and that we’re doing it wrong. Just the thought of it is enough to cause us to curl in the fetal position and sob uncontrollably.
He’s dead, so he probably won’t be at your show, let alone able to help unload your gear. You can blame the New York Jets for that. Still, we think attempting to raise the dead in order to put them to work is less stressful than having to deal with Susie.
If she can’t be bothered to get her own sponge, we can’t really see her unloading amps and other large instruments from a van. Just be happy if she doesn’t ask the band is going to pray before going on stage.
Given that Larry can barely get Antoinette to perform her actual job duties without it becoming a whole thing, the likelihood of her offering you any assistance is next to zero. Though given that she’s not especially good at her day job, this might be a good thing.
You honestly think the guy who always had to go to the bathroom whenever the check showed up is going to unload your van for you? Not a chance, but he will ask to be on your guest list.
He just seems like a generally unpleasant person to be around altogether ( even in death, Larry called him a prick,) so he’d likely just flat-out turn you down and say something about his high blood pressure. He’s a slow golfer, and golf is way easier than lugging your gear down a flight of dimly lit, soaking-wet stairs to play a basement show, you’re probably better off having him shoot you down.
Probably a no, but, given her tendency to simply take things out of other people’s vehicles without even asking, there’s a possibility that if you park the van close enough to her, she might just poke her head in and grab a cymbal or some merch. Just don’t expect it to be in the same condition it originally was.
Not to cast aspersions on Albert Brooks’ work ethic, we’re just a bit skeptical that the kind of person who hoarded masks and hand sanitizer during Covid and threw a “living funeral” to hear his friends say how great he was is going to help unload your van.
Hard no. The man just wants to enjoy a quiet evening with his wife in peace after a hard day’s work. If you’re a patient of his, you shouldn’t even ask him to come to the show as he doesn’t like to be bothered by patients outside of office hours. Call his service, they might be able to help.
Given all the demands she made when Larry offered to pay her just so he could use the carpool lane, it’s not looking good. She’d probably expect you to pay her, have her tab covered, and get put on the list. Any refusals would likely result in her pimp being called. Just ask if she’s got any Chronic and get on with your day.
The only way this sleazebag would do it is if you agreed to let his talentless daughter be your band’s new lead singer and if her singing is as good as her acting, you’re set is kinda fucked. Plus, he seems to be a litigious type and would probably make up some bullshit about hurting his back and sue you.
He’s got a whole country club to run, a swan murderer to find, golfer’s wives to fuck. You think he has time to help your little pissant band unload their gear? Besides, he probably views manual labor as being beneath him. Ask him again and you’re going to find yourself banned from the club.
Just because you’re paying him to be your private investigator doesn’t mean he’s at your beck and call 24/7. Especially for something like this. He has other clients you know and is still pretty pissed about you eating his edible panties while stuck on that ski lift.
Just like you don’t mention his love of truffles, you don’t ask your therapist to help you move your shit. Like not mentioning anything he told you during your session, asking him to do you a favor violates the patient-doctor trust, which we’re still not really sure is a thing.
You would think a character played by Sleater-Kinney’s Carrie Brownstein would be higher on this list, but given her limp, work ethic, and tendency to use constipation as an excuse to take a sick day, it’s not likely she would and probably wouldn’t be much help anyway. Just foist her on the merch guy.
Sure, he owes you more than a few favors as you’ve helped him move, cleaned his apartment, and even went to see his god-awful show. It’s just asking a blind guy to help carry your gear could be seen in poor taste and people will talk.
Why are you even asking Auntie Rae to unload your gear? This poor woman survived a horrible hurricane and got uprooted across the country and you’re asking her to take your Marshall stacks up to the stage? There aren’t even stairs, it’s just milk crates stacked up, shes going to get hurt. Just be happy she came and let her enjoy the show. Fuck you, that’s some bullshit.
As a yoga instructor, she probably has good core strength and heavy lifting is definitely a good way to work on your core. Plus, believing in harmony and balance, she’d see good karma coming from performing a favor. On the other hand, we didn’t say Namaste with the rest of the class at the end of our last class.
He’s a celebrity and they’re not used to having to do actual work. Plus, he’s got his own musical thing going on and he’d likely only offer to help in exchange for you coming to his show or letting his band open for yours. Unless you like terrible covers of “Peaches” it’s probably best to just not even bother.
Within the Curb universe, Krazee Eyez is an established star, so if anything your band would be unloading gear for him. On the off-chance he is at whatever garbage venue you’re lucky enough to play at, just thank him for attending and ask if he has any tips for eating pussy.
She was working as a struggling actor in the late seventies in New York, so she might’ve gone to punk shows then, but now that she’s an Oscar winner and 70, she may not go to many shows anymore. She might offer an empty “anything I can help with” gesture, but you probably shouldn’t take it up.
You can try asking, she might even say yes! But, prepared to be confronted by Richard Lewis asking where the hell you get off asking his girlfriend to be your roadie? Plus, she’d probably talk your ear off about some bullshit the whole time and you really need to be in the zone before your gig and not engage in small talk.
In Sammy’s defense, she’d probably help, but the second Susie finds out, she’d put a stop to it and ask who the fuck we think we are making her little girl haul our shit around and to “do it yourself you lazy fucks’. Then she’d start throwing accusations of us being up to something and you don’t really need that energy ahead of a gig. On the plus side, this interaction will likely keep your frontman from sliding into her DMs.
For one, the likelihood that an elderly Jewish man is going to a punk show is slim. In his younger days, he probably would be game, but are you seriously asking an octogenarian to haul the theremin your pretentious frontman just got? Just let him enjoy the show until it gets too loud for him.