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Punk Having Sex Thinks About Late-Era Black Flag to Last Longer

WARWICK, R.I. — Local punk Rich Stoklasa successfully delayed prematurely ejaculating during intercourse with his wife by thinking about every later-era Black Flag album, sources who wished they could un-know all of this confirmed.

“Friends say they think about baseball or politics to last longer but since I don’t know the first thing about either of those things I have to think about the most boring thing that I have a vast knowledge of which is the waning years of Black Flag,” said Stoklasa, 38-year-old Account Manager. “Anytime my wife and I get some time alone and are actually in the mood I will sometimes have a problem stamina, I won’t even last as long as any of the songs on the ‘Nervous Breakdown’ EP. If it feels like the big moment is going to happen too fast I just think about side B of ‘Loose Nut’ or basically anything from ‘In My Head.’ Does the trick every time.”

Although his wife appreciates the effort Stoklasa puts into having their love-making sessions she would rather have him be present in their intimate moments and not replaying mediocre music from the mid to late-’80s in his head.

“He thinks I don’t know about it so one time when we were in bed I put on ‘Family Man’ in the background just to see what would happen and honestly it just went on and on for way too long. I was doubly bad because dried me up real fast as well so we were both uncomfortable,” said his unfulfilled wife Jennifer. “The irony of course is that sometimes for me if I feel like I’m not going to reach the finish line I’ll think about a young shirtless Henry Rollins to help me get there.”

Doctor Frank Lehman, a urologist who specializes in male sexual dysfunction, says thinking about boring punk music is a great alternative to pharmaceutical treatments.

“I’ve had success with many of my patients who experience premature ejaculation by giving them this technique of thinking about the last gasping breaths of a once great band. It doesn’t have to be just Black Flag either,” said Dr. Lehman. “Michael Graves era Misfits, anything Bad Brains did after ‘Quickness’ or any Pennywise song besides ‘Bro Hymn.’ The last couple of albums from Black Flag have the best results however we urge patients not to think of their 2013 comeback album ‘What The…’ as it may cause permanent erectile dysfunction.”

At press time, Stoklasa said that he has started putting together a romantic playlist for him and his wife that includes SNFU, some newer 7 Seconds songs, and that one Dag Nasty record.