NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Dashboard Confessional frontman Chris Carrabba reported he is still finding his ex-girlfriend’s hair all over his apartment despite having moved across the country numerous times, confirmed sources close to the situation.
“I don’t know how this is still happening. It’s been two full decades since I saw my ex Emmy but whenever I’m sweeping up, doing laundry, or even rearranging things in the crawl space I find clumps of her hair everywhere. I feel like this might be some sort of witch’s curse,” said Carrabba. “We were remodeling and tearing down a wall and instead of insulation, it was just hair. It must have been at least 50 pounds of hair, I couldn’t believe it. I remember Emmy saying she donated to Locks of Love back in the day but this is coming out of manufactured insulation with the Pink Panther stamped on it.”
Carraba’s wife Bonnie was the first to identify who the hair belongs to but remains baffled about how it keeps ending up in their home.
“This has been happening as long as Chris and I have been together. I thought it was some of Chris’ hair at first but when I looked closer I could recognize the dyed black hair with pink tips from the old photos of his ex. Now, I know Chris isn’t cheating, but this woman must shed like a snake and be sneaking into our home while we are away or something,” said Mrs. Carrabba. “I was joking and saying I was expecting to find some molted skin with crazy eyeliner and a lower back butterfly tattoo but then I found these fur pellets that I simply cannot explain.”
The home inspector who appraised the property made note of the findings and admitted to being alarmed by the amount of hair he saw in the basement, attic, and even the shed out back.
“It looked a little odd between the sheetrock and whatnot but everything passed the heating test. I’ve seen plenty of weird stuff in my day, hundreds of pounds of hair is nothing new. There was this place over on Maple Street, I swear on my life, I thought they had a carpet in their finished basement, but it was all toenail clippings,” said Henry Sult of Gleason Home Inspections, insisting that the value of the home was priced correctly. “But yeah, I gave them some tips about home security options with 24/7 video monitoring to see if they can pinpoint the source of the hair, that’s the best I can do.”
At press time, Carrabba confirmed the heart he had stolen in 2006 was found in a storage space outside of Gainesville.
Photo by Turtona.