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Help! I Adopted a Highway and Brother I Am in Over My Head

Oh shit. Oh fuck. I messed up so bad. This was NOT what I expected AT ALL. Adopting this portion of West Huguenot Road was a HUGE mistake.

As soon as I saw that Adopt-a-Highway sign, I knew I had to do it. Not because I care about the beautification of local roadways, but because I wanted my name on a blue sign so that everyone could see it.

Look brother, you have got to help me out here. The litter on my small portion of pavement is starting to pile up. I knew I shouldn’t have bragged to all my coworkers at Johnson HVAC Supply about my adopted highway. I’m certain they are intentionally littering on my stretch of road. They hate me so much because I ate more than my fair share of the pizza at Jeremy’s retirement party and then threw up on the office couch. It was an accident! I thought there were more pizzas!

I purposefully chose a thoroughfare that doesn’t get a lot of traffic because I did not want to clean up a bunch of litter. I just wanted my name on a blue sign. But now my portion of the highway is the most disgusting in Central Virginia. People are dumping old washing machines, buckets of melted ice cream, and boxes of old VHS copies of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s 1994 film Timecop. My nights and weekends are fully dedicated to cleaning up this mess and I am losing the will to live.

Recently, my coworkers have been upping the stakes. Last weekend, when I was out picking up litter, two people drove by in a pickup truck that looked suspiciously like Sal’s 2001 Toyota Tacoma. Each one was wearing a ski mask. Those bastards dumped four boxes of small rubber bouncy balls all over the roadway! As I scrambled to pick up hundreds of balls, I noticed another person in a ski mask filming the whole ordeal on an oversized camcorder. When I yelled at them to stop, they got in a car that looked suspiciously like Carl’s 2008 Ford Focus and sped off. I’m positive my coworkers were watching that video when I walked into the break room that Monday. I could hear them from the hallway laughing hysterically, and shouting “Look at this fucking idiot.” As soon as I walked in, they shut the TV off and all looked at me.

Brother, you don’t know the depths of despair I’m in right now. I need your help. Please. My coworkers are just jealous of me for having a blue sign with my name on it and I DO NOT want to put my highway up for adoption.