WATERFORD TWP, Mich. — Presumed Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign rallies are now limited to music by Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, and Norwegian solo black metal project Burzum due to most artists forbidding usage of their songs, multiple sources reported.
“Only three musicians are brave enough to support our great President Trump with their music, and they are Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and Norway’s Varg Vikernes,” said Trump campaign advisor Susie Wiles while sporting a Burzum long sleeve t-shirt. “To be totally frank, the Burzum songs are not my cup of tea but some of the bearded lonely men in attendance seem to enjoy it. Mr. Trump and Mr. Burzum have both had legal troubles in the past- one’s is driven by political persecution, the other’s by very obvious murder and arson. But both have overcome their plights to find the adoration of proud whites and cyberbullies worldwide.”
Attendees of a recent Donald Trump rally had varying reactions to the peculiar music selections.
“I will have nightmares for weeks after being forced to hear this evil screeching music,” professed Shirley Clemens, office administrator at Calvary Presbyterian Church. “I took two swigs of holy water just to make sure the devil couldn’t get me. Then while I was in the bathroom having holy water-induced diarrhea, I could hear songs by Kid Rock and Ted Nugent, who sound like worse versions of each other. But even though Mr. Trump is now playing literally Satanic music, I still believe he is God’s chosen warrior and he continues to have my unwavering support.”
Other conservative musicians have admitted to being rejected by the Trump campaign.
“I keep sending President Trump links to my SoundCloud where he can find plenty of solo bass instrumentals,” said former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee. “But says he’s ‘waiting to listen until he’s in the mood for new music.’ It’s been 10 months! Head from Korn said one song was interesting and if he comes up with a guitar riff, he’ll send back a demo. Watch out, music fans- this former governor is about to get some Head on these tracks!”
Before reaching out to Varg Vikernes for comment, The Hard Times editorial staff collectively agreed not to, saying “Fuck that guy” in unison.