Robert Atkinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Everything in Thrift Store Exactly the Same as Yesterday’s Visit

Posted on February 17, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

MILTON-FREEWATER, Ore — The entire stock of the local Goodwill remained completely unchanged since yesterday despite the optimism of repeat customers, hopeful sources confirmed.

“Something new’s gotta be here. It’s a Goodwill, they’re getting new stuff constantly. I recognize all these t-shirts from yesterday, but I’m sure the employees are shimmying the new stuff into the mix with no rhyme or reason,” said thrift store enthusiast Patti Cobb-Withers. “I guess if it’s all shit I’ve seen before I could just leave it well enough alone and walk away…but I gotta check the rest of the rack. I hate to miss out on something great just because I assumed it was all exactly the same.”

Store employees bluntly confirmed the suspicions of customers.

“Oh, it’s all the exact same. Didn’t sell anything, and didn’t get any donations…it’s a mirror image of yesterday, without a doubt. I just don’t have the stomach to tell our regulars,” said Goodwill assistant manager Heather Coriander. “It would break their little hearts. So much of their reason for getting up in the morning has to do with the prospect of finding the perfect ironic local business logo t-shirt or cult movie VHS for a buck. I don’t want to kill that lust for the hunt inside them. It’s like talking to a child about the Easter Bunny; what’s wrong with letting them believe?”

When asked for comment, Goodwill CEO Steven Preston reiterated the standard company protocol.

“We here at Goodwill make it clear to employees that they are, in instances like these, supposed to make sure that they get in there and mix stuff around to at least make it look like the stock has been refreshed. It’s all there in the handbook,” said Preston. “Even our most successful locations go weeks without moving product, and it’s down to the managers to muss things up to keep thrifting addicts coming in. Not unlike when you were little and you convinced your parents you’d eaten all your green beans when really, you’d just spread them around the plate. That’s the Goodwill guiding principle at work.”

In a related story, the hardware store directly next door to the Goodwill discovered a huge donation of vintage clothing in their dumpster that they don’t know what to do with.

Mark Wahlberg Promotes New Restaurant by Kicking The Shit Out of Some Guy In Parking Lot

Posted on February 17, 2023 by Jon Holmes

BOSTON — Known felon and frequent assaulter Mark Wahlberg officially commemorated the opening of the newest Wahlburgers restaurant by kicking the shit out of some guy who was just standing there, horrified but not shocked sources confirmed.

“Nothing gets me ready for eatin’ quite like fightin’. Just hard fists thumping face meat, you know? The fans really love to see it, and sort of expect at least a little brawl from me. Who am I to deny the good people of Boston that?” explained Wahlberg between rapid burpee sets. “It’s the least I can do for all their support over the years and through ‘The Happening.’ Besides, that guy shouldn’t have been looking at me funny. He says he was just trying to read that bus stop ad, but my lawyers assured me I was well within my rights when I dragged him across the asphalt and shattered his pelvis.”

Wahlberg’s victim/unwitting promotional partner Lawrence Heath offered his perspective.

“This is literally the third time in a week something like this has happened. This city fucking sucks. First, Casey Affleck groped me on the T, then Conan O’Brien verbally ripped me a new asshole because I used ‘who’ when I should have said ‘whom.’ It was kind of funny at first, but then it went on way too long,” said Heath. “That said, there is something weirdly comforting knowing that any time I’m walking around Boston I could be punted by Matt Damon at any minute.”

Wahlberg’s former “Transformers” co-star Optimus Prime was also on hand for the grand opening that became a savage beating.

“As a being that regularly transforms into a vehicle, a fistfight in the parking lot really isn’t a great look for my brand. But Mark asked me to come to the opening and I’m a truck of my word,” bellowed the leader of the Autobots. “But this place is terrible, I mean, look at these menu items. ‘The Funky Brunch,’ ‘Buncharted’ and it’s not just the mains either, it’s the desserts too. ‘The Planet of The Crepes’?’ It sounds awful. Honestly, Michael Bay could have written a better menu, and that’s saying a lot.”

At press time, Wahlberg announced he is starting an intense MMA training regimen in preparation for the opening of another restaurant in Orange County, California’s Little Saigon neighborhood.

Bassist Misses Entire Set to Avoid Disturbing Cat That Settled in on Lap

Posted on February 17, 2023 by Bobby Korec

CACTUS FLAT, Ariz. — Local pop punk bassist and overall feline enthusiast Tyler Hogarten missed his band’s entire set in order to avoid disturbing his cat that settled in on his lap mere minutes before he was about to leave, sources who were in need of a lint roller confirmed.

“What was I supposed to do? Gently shoo him off and have to deal with my leg that fell asleep because I couldn’t adjust my sitting position the entire time?” asked the longtime member of Horny Horny Hippos before throwing away the brand new cat tree he bought because his cat much preferred the box it came in. “There are just way more important things in life than playing a silly little show where you just so happen to open for My Chemical Romance and have what my band called ‘career-catapulting exposure.’ That more important thing is my guy Rocket over here on my lap inadvertently digging his claws into my thigh as he falls into a deep 12-hour nap. Besides, I’m sure there will be other once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that come my way. You just have to be ready for them when they come.”

Members of the band were simply not having any of Hogarten’s excuses.

“As a dog person, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just manhandle your pet and stuff it in a cage when you’re ready to leave the house like I do,” said lead singer Jenny Graves. “I guess that’s just the difference between cat and dog owners. Us dog people are way more responsible. I mean sure, I’ve missed several band practices myself because my Labradoodle ate a bunch of chocolate or got into my weed stash, or that one time she chewed up my entire lyric notebook which also had a few joints tucked into the pages. If only I had memorized all the words I wrote to our songs beforehand.”

Household pet expert Felicity Jasmine believed these sorts of incidents came with the territory.

“Pets have a tendency of making you either late for things or missing events entirely,” said Jasmine. “It could be worse though. You could have no pets whatsoever, in which case you’ll never have an excuse for missing that gender reveal party for that friend you hate or that wedding that your ex invited you to because they think your relationship ended on good terms. That sounds dreadful. My expert advice would be to get a pet, especially one with severe medical issues, so you always have a good excuse to get out of things.”

At press time, Hogarten was reportedly on thin ice after unintentionally missing another show due to his cat puking in his only pair of “performance shoes.”

Rail CEOs Prepare to Bravely Lay Off Workers In Wake of Ecological Disaster

Posted on February 16, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

ATLANTA — Executives at Norfolk Southern Railway and many other rail owners around the nation are reacting to the environmental crisis following a train derailment in Ohio by taking drastic steps to reduce employee overhead, multiple sources confirmed.

“The events taking place in East Palestine are unequaled by anything in American history,” said Alan Shaw, the embattled CEO of Norfolk Southern. “The cost of this catastrophe in both human and animal life will be enormous. Norfolk Southern must take responsibility and make difficult decisions to guarantee that we never lose this much product again. Moreover, I need to hold myself accountable for the part I played in this tragedy. In order to best respond to this situation and ensure that we are answerable to the people of Ohio, sacrifices must be made. Therefore, I am announcing we are dismissing 500 rail workers effective immediately. We will mail you your checks, if you show up to our property you will be tased.”

Union Pacific CEO Lance Fritz released a memo calling for solidarity among railroad franchises and stated that he would follow Shaw’s example.

“During such dire times as these, our storied industry must reforge the bonds that have kept us strong for 250 years,” Fritz wrote. “As a gesture of unity with our brothers and sisters in the Norfolk Southern boardroom, I am proud to announce that we will be reducing our own workforce by 10 percent this month, with further cuts to our maintenance department by the end of the year. Union Pacific will do whatever it takes to ensure that this tragedy does not go unmarked, even if it means firing every man, woman, and child currently keeping our trains running safely.”

CNBC correspondent Dillan Peterson praised the inspiring tone of the executives’ statements and reassured investors that the future remained bright.

“Listen, if I’m someone who’s got a heavy position in rail stocks, I’m happy with this response. I’m thrilled,” said Peterson. “You don’t usually see this kind of insight from executives. The ability to take ultimate responsibility for this whole mess and respond by selflessly firing hundreds of blue-collar employees trying to provide for their families – that’s exactly the type of leadership that tells you they’re not just going to weather the storm, they’re going to come out the other side stronger than ever. So, yes, I’m bullish on rail.”

The announcements came as a surprise to rail employees in East Palestine who were laid off midway through their shifts and have been stranded in Ohio inhaling toxic fumes for the past week.

Grind Band Much More Meticulous About Finding Obscure Horror Samples Than Writing Songs

Posted on February 16, 2023 by Chris Bowen

HOUSTON — Local goregrind band Coffin Stew give much more attention to scouring old sleaze and monster movie VHS tapes for cool samples to put in their songs than to actually writing decent music anyone would want to listen to at all, annoyed horror hounds report.

“Listen, I know we get blasted on Instagram for ‘being lazy hacks’ or how people ‘might as well just put on a Fulci film at full blast’ and whatnot,” said Coffin Stew singer Ryan “The Gorephet” Kenny. “But any old band can gurlge and scream while somone plays the same four Napalm Death riffs over and over. That’s why we spend our band practices browsing vintage horror for only the sickest sound clips. Who has time for ‘music’ when you’re in a grind band anyways? Not this group of depraved freaks.”

Long-Time Coffin Stew fan Allegra Rodriguez talks about how horror samples are the secret ingredient to a great grind band.

“To me, listening to Coffin Stew is an experience unlike any other band in the scene. Mainly because unlike all the other bands that I’m a fan of, I think their music is terrible,” Rodriguez said. “They clearly don’t give a shit about their songs. But the rush I get everytime I recognize the obscure ‘70s grindhouse movie scene the song’s intro is from–that’s worth the price of admission alone. A lot of times, I skip to the next song whenever the garbage guitar kicks in to avoid any embarrassment. At this point it’s basically trivia for me.”

Scene veteran Thomas Parker uses his vast knowledge and experience to weigh in on bands like Coffin Stew.

“The genre of grindcore, when not being of the political or weirdly medical-obsessed variety, was always just a way for horror nerds to show off their knowledge of Italian cannibal films and their love for early death metal,” Parker, who suffers from permanent hearing loss, yelled. “The biggest and most proponent of this is Mortician. You think those guys give a shit about writing songs? No fuckin’ way. It’s all about niche snippets and also cool shades, baby.”

At press time, Kenny was seen “gear shopping” for VCRs at thrift shops in the area.

Future Punk? My Daughter Just Covered a Wall With Stickers Then Threw Up

Posted on February 16, 2023 by Richard Circuit

My three-year-old daughter just got out of the master bathroom. She completely plastered the wall with stickers, then, not two minutes later, completely plastered the wall with vomit. And I couldn’t be more proud! Let’s just say it seems like I have a future punk on my hands, not to mention a bathroom that rivals CBGB in its heyday.

This is nothing short of epic. I knew she partied. She was walking around all wobbly earlier tonight. But who knew she had this in her so early? Vandalism with absolutely no regard for authority? I’m pretty sure she pissed herself, too. Pretty fucking cool.

She might be more punk than me. She’s got this legendary scream voice that wouldn’t even need a PA. Most things she picks up, she ends up smashing on the ground. All her clothes are tattered. And you should see her fucking hair, it’s pretty gnarly. I can’t believe I didn’t notice all of this until now.

She’s always moshing in the sandbox with her playdates. I thought it was because she lacked muscle control but I guess it’s because the government lacks control over her. I respect the fuck out of that.

Has it been hard raising someone so hardcore? Of course. She’s up all night. She likes music that straight-up hurts my ears to listen to. And she listens to it over and over on repeat! I’ve never met anyone so staunchly passionate about their taste. I changed the song once and she punched me. Closed-fist shot to the cheekbone. Can someone say, “crowdkiller?”

Opinion: King Diamond Would Be Much Prettier if He’d Just Paint His Face Into a Smile

Posted on February 16, 2023 by Chris Bowen

Well, hello there, Kingy. Say, why so glum? What reason could a heavy metal master and servant to Satan like yourself possibly have to be such a frowny-pants all the time? Come on, lighten up, Diam-Diam! I know behind that evil, corpse paint scowl and all those devilish falsettos is a beautiful ray of sunshine just ready to burst out!

Just saying, you’d look a lot prettier if you tried painting your face into a smile more often.

Look, you’ve got the riffs. You’ve got the lyrics. You’ve got the style. If you just stopped with the silly bashfulness, fluttered those majestic devil-eyes, and drew a little less black makeup into a frowny face, you would totally see the number of participants in your Sabbath skyrocket into “Book of Revelation” proportions!

And you know what, I bet Grandma would be so proud of her beautiful Black Horseman if he’d show off that famous Diamond family smile.

I know, I know. You might be asking, “Why would a legendary heavy metal singer want to sacrifice his dark, wicked demeanor and image just to please the demon boys?” Or, “What the fuck are you going on about?” And I will tell you, both are legitimate questions. But I will choose to address only one, and that’s the darling smile of our godfather of blackened heavy metal, King Diamond.

So what do you say, King? Paint that frown upside down! I just know those bright, radiant, pearly whites beaming through that black mouth paint of yours is all you need to steal the hearts of the heavy metal community after all these years. It’s time to look like the satanic heartthrob you are.

DJ Under Impression No One Can Tell He’s Playing Rollercoaster Tycoon up There

Posted on February 15, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

MODESTO, Calif. — Resident Crocodile Club DJ Ronald “DJ Pelham123” McVorland is reportedly convinced that no one in the venue can tell that he is clearly using the booth laptop to play Rollercoaster Tycoon, suspicious sources confirmed.

“Rollercoaster…Tycoon? Oh! That old PC game for kids? Never heard of it! I mean, it sounds a little fun, sure, but I’m too focused on my DJ career. I have to get the people dancing,” said McVorland. “The only tracks I’m concerned with are the ones on my tracklist for the night. Heh, definitely not the tracks of a CGI rollercoaster I’ve been working on for weeks. I’m much more concerned with stuff like BPM and…hold on a second, let me just put in a tilt-a-whirl here…Oh, ‘put a tilt-a-whirl here’ is DJ industry term for ‘pick next track.’ Sorry to get technical.”

Club goers were reportedly not convinced that McVorland was giving the music his undivided attention.

“Something was off right from the start of the night. For one thing, he kept turning the music down at random points just to shout ‘WHEEEEEE!’ with his hands straight up in the air, not on the beat or anything,” said Macy Lindenson. “We couldn’t help but notice that his laptop would sometimes be shared to the gigantic projector screen behind him. When it came to designing the coaster, he was in the zone. Full minutes of silence would go by between songs before he noticed he was supposed to be cueing up another track, and he’d try to play it off, saying it was good for us to have time to talk amongst ourselves. Unprofessional, but it made a lot of us want to buy a copy of the game for ourselves.”

Local architect Myra Boyce was also in attendance that night, but had a more positive reaction.

“I caught a glimpse of his designs, and in my professional opinion, they were things of beauty. I know it’s just a silly game, but you could tell he had an eye for making creative, structurally sound amusement park rides,” said Boyce. “I wish he would have been a little more upfront with what he was actually doing, because a majority of the crowd was curious to see his coasters. Most of the frustration was with his insistence that he wasn’t playing the shit out of Rollercoaster Tycoon. To reiterate, any compliments I’m giving this man are for his construction and engineering skills, I am in no way endorsing his effectiveness as a DJ which, it should be noted, is very, very negligible.”

When pressed further, McVorland appeared to double down on his denial by, despite the entire club’s protestation and encouragement, refusing a full-ride scholarship to MIT.

President Biden Calls for National Moment of Silence for Lowered Railway Stock Price

Posted on February 15, 2023 by Nathan Kamal

WASHINGTON — President Biden called for a nationwide moment of silence and contemplation after the stock price of the Norfolk Southern Corporation (NYSE: NSC) sharply dropped following a disastrous railway derailment that is currently leaking vast amounts of toxic chemicals into Ohio.

“At times of unbelievable national tragedy like these,” President Biden said, addressing a crowd on the White House lawn. “We must take at least a moment to pause and think of the stock prices affected by disasters, regardless of who or what might have blocked a national railroad worker strike demanding changes that could have helped stop this before it happened. NSC has been struck down in its prime. Only last week, due to efficiency layoffs and the necessary relaxing of safety regulations for corporate well-being, it jumped to over $200 for the first time. It was just a kid.”

“Think of the shareholders and their lost dividends,” President Biden added, a tear welling in his eye. “Think of how this affects their portfolios.”

East Palestine resident Rosanna Sawyer had other concerns than Norfolk Southern’s stock price.

“I’m sorry if I don’t have time to mourn corporate losses right now,” said Sawyer while breathing through a moist rag across her face. “I’m squatting in a tarp shelter after being emergency evacuated from my home, I have no idea where my husband and kids are, and the only thing the government seems to care about is protecting a corporation’s reputation. I mean, I understand that business has to keep moving along in pursuit of endless profits and golden parachutes for the C-suite. That’s what America is all about. But it just feels hollow right now.”

Norfolk Southern Vice President in Charge of Public Relations Randall Winger took the President’s words to heart.

“While I may have personally donated above the maximum amount for an individual to Republican opposition to Biden, damn it if he didn’t tell it right today,” said Winger. “Norfolk Southern’s stock price may be crashing and we may have lost countless gallons of incredibly valuable, absurdly life-threatening ethylene glycol monobutyl ether, isobutylene, and phosgene, but we’re going to make it through this. Mark my words, Norfolk Southern will be back, bigger, better, and more filled with hydrogen chloride than ever.”

As of press time, five different Norfolk Southern engines across the country had spontaneously burst into flames and expelled toxic waste across several playgrounds and dog parks.

So You’re the Only Dog at a House Party: 5 Ways To Escape Socially Awkward Losers

Posted on February 15, 2023 by Nathan Kamal

Well, it happened again! You’re a dog and your owners have decided to throw a goddamn house party, without consulting you or thinking what it will do to your schedule of naps and belly rubs. It turns out that your people are friends with a whole bunch of fucking losers who think it’s the job of a dog to ameliorate their inability to hold a meaningful conversation or even hold a glass of chardonnay without having a panic attack.

You’re going to be spending the evening escaping the clutches of nerds who brought a six-pack of hard Kombucha to a party, and you’re going to need some escape routes. Here are a few:

1. Act like you’ve smelled something really interesting in another room: If some dork from work somehow gets invited and wants to pet you all night so he doesn’t have to have to make eye contact with a human, just put your nose up, act really excited, and rush out of the room, even if you know there’s nothing in the other room but gross vegetable crudites.

2. Roll to show your belly, then keep rolling: Now, some people are not going to get the hint, the same as they didn’t get the hint that the party was really just a get-together with some really close friends. In order to keep their gross, clammy hands out of your fur, you’re going to need to resort to deception. Flop down, roll over like you trust them enough for belly rubs, then roll again, and again, until you roll right out of the room.

3. The MacKenzie Maneuver: These kinds of loser has never had a close friend in their life and they’re expecting “Man’s Best Friend” to pick up their fucking slack. Time to pull out the ol’ razzle-dazzle! Take a note from Spuds Mackenzie, one of the greatest dogs to ever live, and hop on a skateboard to roll out of there. The humans will be too astonished to even follow.

4. Smoke bomb: If they do, throw down a smoke bomb and bolt.

5. If all else fails, bite someone: Do it hard. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and you didn’t sign up to be one of those dork emotional support animals. Draw blood. Do it.

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