Conservative Dragula Upset Nobody Wants To Dig Through Ditches Anymore

Posted on by Greg Smith

LOS ANGELES — Dragula, the macabre drag racing car immortalized by musician Rob Zombie, believes today’s generation has become “soft,” exasperated sources confirm.

“Sure, call me the ‘c’ word,” said Dragula, referring to “conservative.” “But I had to dig my own way through the ditches. Nobody gave me a shovel as a handout. This snowflake generation doesn’t understand the value of hard work, they want the worm conquered on a silver platter for them. Do you think you’re entitled to a ‘Matrix’ needle drop? No, you’ve got to slam in the back like everyone else.

“And don’t get me started on burning through witches,” he continued, affecting a mocking tone. “I don’t want to trigger anyone for not referring to them as a ‘Pagan Sorceress’ or some crap like that.”

Dragula’s former colleague, Living Dead Girl, reports she fell out of contact with Dragula, and is “saddened but not surprised” to hear his views.

“I’m proud of the work we did,” said Living Dead Girl, who now runs a nonprofit for kitschy horror creations reacclimating to society. “But it was of a time and place. I was conceived as an irresistible wish-fulfillment fantasy of a man. I said that I ‘loved to love the wealth of an SS sex worker,’ and that I wanted to ‘r-word a geek.’ I said those things for shock, and I regret them. So I evolved. I know some people aren’t ready to forgive me, and I don’t blame them. I’ll continue to put in the work. Draggy can always reach out. The Creeper and I meet up once a month, and it’s really healthy.”

University of Southern California Musicology Professor Leah Morrison studies what happens to popular music characters as culture progresses, noting Dragula as a typical case.

“When you’re immortalized in music, it’s difficult to see a need to change,” said Morrison. “Desmond, from the Beatles’ ‘Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da,’ had trouble accepting that Molly no longer wanted to stay at home and apply makeup to her pretty face, that she wanted to be a working mom. They’re currently in counseling with the Ramones’ Psycho Therapist, though she doesn’t like being called that anymore.”

Dragula recently announced a “Cancelled Through The Ditches” Tour, where he and other controversial music figures like Antichrist Superstar perform. Tickets start at $666 per show.

Help! I Asked Amelia Bedelia to Be Our Bass Player and She Showed up With a Fish

Posted on by Tyler Driver

Ever since I was a little boy I’ve wanted to be the frontman of a world-famous group like The Beatles or Less Than Jake. Well after months of talking about it, I finally got the boys together and started our own band.

Problem is we don’t have a bass player yet. But after weeks of searching, someone named Amelia Bedelia finally responded to our Craigslist ad. She said she’d never been in a band before, but she’s a fast learner and has her own bass. Sounded good to me! I told her to come to my parent’s garage tonight to jam. My dream had finally begun in earnest.

But I’m really starting to question my decision, because earlier she walked in wearing a maid outfit, swinging around a giant fish like a pair of nunchucks.

Now don’t get me wrong, it was a beautiful catch. Maybe 14 pounds 4 ounces give or take. No discoloration on the scales. But I thought she was bringing a bass guitar, not a bass fish!

I figured no big deal, she could use my dad’s old Ibanez. Just a little miscommunication right? We’d look back fondly on these inauspicious beginnings when we’re touring the globe. I was just pumped to finally have a full band.

Regrettably in my excitement, I screamed “Let’s rock this place!”

That’s when Amelia started throwing rocks at me and my drummer. I don’t know why she had so many readily available, but she did. She pulled rock after rock out of that Mary Poppins bag of an apron. I don’t think she stopped because of our screams, only because she ran out of ammo.

Luckily we were mostly unscathed. The garage however was a wreck. Well, it was already a wreck, but more so now.

I asked Amelia to explain herself. She just stared at me glassy-eyed and replied “You said rock this place, so I did.”

It was clear to me now. Amelia was either a performance artist, or someone who means well but misinterprets basic instructions in a very literal sense. Or she might just be willfully ignorant. Either way, it’s obvious this isn’t going to work out. No Paul McCartney or Roger Lima is worth this hassle. I’m telling her to scram.

Oh God Amelia’s walking over. What’s she holding? Is that a tray of cookies? They smell heavenly. Are these butterscotch? My word, they’re delicious!

You know what, forget everything I said. Anyone who can bake like this is in the band. Amelia rocks!

Modern Drummer Magazine Announces Trump Will be Ineligible for “Best Roots/Reggae Percussion” in 2024

Posted on by Tom K

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — The ongoing legal battles that are plaguing Donald Trump’s 2024 presidential prospects continue with last night’s announcement disqualifying him from contention for Modern Drummer’s upcoming Reader’s Poll.

“In light of recent news, we have decided to remove Donald Trump from the ballot in all drum performance categories for which he was nominated this year. As a special interest drumming periodical, we have always prioritized our thorough coverage of drummers, drumming, and article 3 of the 14th Amendment to the US Constitution,” said publisher/CEO David Frangioni during his official statement. “To be honest, that third part hasn’t really come up much until now. But after Trump’s landslide Iowa win, there is a growing concern among our editors that we have not used our platform to its greatest extent. Hear us now: as long as Donald Trump is on trial for insurrection against our great country he will never receive a commemorative plaque from us celebrating his contributions to ska, dancehall, reggaeton or any other Jamaican-indigenous art form.”

As expected, the removal has not been taken lightly by Trump’s most fervent supporters in the drumming community.

“This witchhunt is a baseless, reactionary assault on a man who has done nothing but good things for the reggae community and drummers across the globe,” said John Dolmayan, System of a Down drummer and, thus far, only member of The Nu-Metal Conservatives Coalition. “Before today I hadn’t even really considered him a musician. But this announcement got me thinking and now I haven’t been able to sleep because of how belligerently passionate I am about how good Trump’s one-drop feel must be.”

Others, such as former Pitchfork editor-in-chief, now GQ custodial associate Puja Patel are less concerned with the shake-up.

“Do we think this really matters? Do we think the Don-ja even stood a chance in what has been the strongest era for reggae percussion since the early ‘70s? I mean look who’s out there this year: Keneil Delisser, Wes Finley, Tommy ‘Stroke’ Dread, Byrd from SOJA, the list goes on and on,” said Patel. “With so many better-qualified candidates, who the hell is voting for Trump anyway? I haven’t seen this much performative posturing since Maxim pretended to listen to that Black Crowes album.”

Despite the controversy, Modern Drummer acknowledges no indication of reversing their decision, leaving the door wide open for new, hastily-formed rasta-publican outfit Ron DeSantis and the Heilers.

Heartwarming: Republican Donors Raised $300 Million to Help This Man Satisfy His Humiliation Kink

Posted on by Matt Husser

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has always dedicated his life to two things: public service, and public humiliation. Even as he worked tirelessly to help the people of Florida address their everyday problems, like woke cartoons, he always managed to find time to embarrass himself. But underneath it all, there was an ambition to reach higher office and levels of humiliation that always just seemed out of his reach. So when he announced his intentions to finally get off by embarrassing himself nationally, the kinksters of the Republican Party knew they had to step up.

“Poor Ron was grimacing through speeches, clearly all backed up with jizz and unable to get embarrassed enough to climax — we could see this poor man was suffering,” said Republican mega-donor Clint Washburn. “I knew I had to return the favor after everything Ron did for me by fighting up against the woke left who believe in education and social programs, so I did the Christian thing and opened up my checkbook to help him reach a national stage and deliver that man a violent orgasm so fierce it’d leave him quaking in those slutty little heels of his.”

With hundreds of millions pouring in from Republican donors, DeSantis’ long road to the ultimate humiliation began. First it started with small gaffes, with meet and greets that went so poorly you could scarcely believe he had talked to a human before. And who can forget his disastrous campaign announcement with Elon Musk? That embarrassment must have given DeSantis a boner hard enough to ring the Liberty Bell. Then his dedicated staffers added fuel to the fire by revealing he ate pudding with his fingers. And when he needed it most, even his most bitter Republican rival, Donald Trump, graciously stepped in to humiliate ‘Meatball Ron’ to new heights.

But after a far-too-respectable second-place showing in Iowa on Monday, DeSantis knew that he’d have to do something bold to ensure he’d get the humiliation he so deeply craved before the New Hampshire primary. That’s when he prayed, consulted with his advisors and family, and knew he was ready for his final humiliation.

“Wonny has been a bad, bad boy,” said DeSantis, in his speech to the nation announcing he’d be suspending his campaign. “I sure hope a big, strong Republican nominee doesn’t see this speech and make me publicly announce my support for him.”

And with that, DeSantis’ long road to his humiliating climax was finally complete. But even as he returns to Florida with his tail between his legs, we’ll never forget the surprising generosity of Republican donors to help one downtrodden man finally achieve the ultimate ecstasy of defeat.

Bartender Dumps Full Beer Onto Floor Every 15 Minutes At Dive Bar To Keep Ambiance

Posted on by Brisa Sylvestre

MANCHESTER, N.H. — The Foxhole Saloon, bartender Mickey Stevens reportedly maintains the trashy ambiance of the bar by dumping a beer on the floor every fifteen minutes, according to several grateful sources.

“Like clockwork, I fill up a draft beer, yell ‘make a hole!’ to alert bar patrons I’m about to dump this sucker straight onto the floor. This lets our guests know this isn’t some swanky establishment for the King of England, this is for hard-working, blue-collar folk who prefer drinking in squalor,” said Stevens as he took a sip of a draft pilsner before emptying it onto the ground. “The ABV level has to be at least 4.8% and every fifteen minutes is really the sweet spot, anything longer and it starts to smell like a bar that accepts credit cards. The smell also lets customers know what the fuck we’re about the second they walk in the place and wards off any unwanted high-maintenance clientele which is just an added perk.”

Local bar regular, Johnny Fitz, was seen clearing people out of a two-by-two-foot area in the bar in preparation for the next beer dump before making a statement.

“I like to think I’m like the bouncer of the whole operation, I clear people out of the beer zone,” said Fitz who clearly gave himself the role and whose bar stool seemed permanently glued to the floor due to some type of draught adhesive that formed from spilled beer. “Mickey knows how to keep the bar homey. I don’t feel obligated to spill my own beer to keep the place how I like it. Not many bartenders take the time to craft an atmosphere like Mickey does.”

Foxhole Saloon owner, Barb Foster, weighed in on the unique process that keeps her dive bar the absolute diviest in a 500-mile radius.

“We’ve been dumping beers on the floor here to retain an authentic vibe for the last thirty years. Every beer poured is carefully selected by our bartender. It’s an art form really,” said Foster. “We then leave it on the floor for the beer to ferment indefinitely which gives our bar its special musty aroma that you only smell in an absolute shithole in the wall. I’m proud the first thing customers smell when they walk is decades of stale hops, bad decisions, and possible mildew. I want their shoes to stick to the floor which also helps with customer retention.”

At press time, the bartender was seen mopping beer into the carpet as an extra precaution.

There Is No Way I’m Pooping In This Weather (Guest Column By Your Dog)

Posted on by Matt McInerney

This is a joke, right? I’m not going out there! The air is literally attacking the ground right now, and you expect me to do the most vulnerable thing a dog can do? You can’t even watch my back when the grass is a mere whisper. How deeply must my squatting gaze pierce your soul to earn some protection? No matter what I do, your eyes are glued to that goddamn glow box. We’d be toast if a beast were lurking in the shadows. Or worse, a human doing something loud.

You’re still getting the drag-you straps, aren’t you? Let me be crystal clear: I am NOT doing my business while the heavens and earth are at war. If you dare tug me into this unfathomable turmoil, I will snap into my abused dog act faster than you can scream ‘humane society.’ By the way, nice paw protectors you’ve got. I noticed I’m not afforded quite the same accommodation despite the fact I’m literally five seconds away from frostbite.

And while we’re at it, not all of us have the luxury of swapping our coat for a dry one as soon as we step inside. The rest of us get the ‘dog towel,’ a.k.a. the basement’s finest dirt rag. How thoughtful. God forbid the little head fur you have gets wet. I’m exiled outside the splash room, watching you battle with the scream blower. Remember the time you aimed that thing at me? I still have nightmares. Try it again, and I’ll bite that hot wind to death.

Here’s the thing I don’t think you seem to understand: it’s cozy in here, and it’s cold out there. You realize this, correct? Oh, I see, you think I can’t hold it? Weird how suddenly you’re so concerned about this. Where was this concern last Saturday when you were dead to the world until noon? Did your evening of screaming obscenities at the larger downstairs glow box tucker you out? My gentle pawing at your face meant nothing then, it seems.

So no, I am not pooping in this weather. You can call me when the outside won’t make me smell like a damp basement for a week. But until then, I’d appreciate it if you could set up the pillows the way I like, with the fuzzy blanket on top. And scratch my belly, just… like… that. Yep, that’s it.

Harm’s Way Frontman Spotted Atop Empire State Building Swatting Planes From Sky

Posted on by Tim Graham

NEW YORK — Muscle-bound Harm’s Way vocalist James Pligge scaled the Empire State Building and was seen attacking aircrafts that were sent to force him down, according to terrified spectators on the ground.

“He’s up there doing that hardcore ‘running man’ dance and batting those planes outta the air,” said Officer Herb Reynolds of the NYPD as he trained a spotlight on the rampaging Pligge. “First, we sent up a chopper with a negotiator on board, but Mr. Pligge did a roundhouse kick and sent it spiraling. Then the Air National Guard brought in these fighter jets, but he’s just obliterating them. Not for nuthin’, but this is what you get with this violent music. You’ll never see Michael Bublé up there, just sayin’.”

Harm’s Way manager James Vitalo says he gets nervous every time the band is booked to play a city with skyscrapers.

“He just can’t help himself,” said Vitalo as he dodged falling debris. “When he sees tall buildings, something snaps in him. He goes primal and starts climbing. We tried to tempt him to come down with a massive whey protein smoothie we mixed up in a cement truck, but no dice. James is a great hardcore frontman, but he’s also a maniac. The remaining shreds of his humanity are hanging by a thread. For instance, if he ever sees a big snake or crocodile, he gets an irresistible urge to wrestle it. We’re no longer welcome at most zoos around the country because of that.”

Cryptozoology expert Gus Hanford has ideas about the origins of Pligge’s bestial behavior.

“This latest incident gives more credence to my theory that Pligge is some kind of primitive half-man/half-beast that was likely captured during an expedition to a previously uncharted island,” said Hanford while taking a plaster cast of one of Pligge’s footprints. “I believe the buildings remind him of the tall, slender rock formations found where he’s from. That island would also be home to many presumedly extinct prehistoric creatures which Pligge would’ve fought with daily for survival. He no longer has an outlet for that aggression, so naturally things like this happen.”

At press time, the famished Pligge had been lured back to the ground by a gargantuan Chipotle burrito bowl delivered in the back of a dump truck, and managed to be on stage for the evening’s Harm’s Way performance in time.

Eight Songs We’re Listening To This Week While Waiting For Our Offer Letter From GQ

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

The world is in a constant state of change. Always evolving, flowing, and altering its shape. It’s time you get with the program and stop floundering in your old ways. One of the easiest things you can do to improve your compatibility with the modern zeitgeist is make some upgrades to your musical taste. Considering the fact that you’ve consistently bitched about how music hasn’t been good in nearly two decades, it’s likely the notion of being proven wrong is scary and overwhelming to you. That’s why we here at the Hard Times have consulted with our in-house experts to bring you eight of the best new tracks the internet has to offer. Throw these into the rotation and watch as your friends and loved ones suddenly want to associate with you again.

IDLES “Gift Horse”

IDLES frontman Joe Talbot has touted the band’s forthcoming effort ‘TANGK’ as a collection of love songs. Bearing this in mind, it comes as no surprise that their latest single ‘Gift Horse’ is a deranged, rowdy, and dissonant dance tune seemingly written about one hell of a racing stallion. Perhaps the lyrics are metaphorical, but until we get some decent liner notes upon the album’s release we can only assume that Talbot and company have a disturbing soft spot for equestrianism.

Modern Life Is War “End Times Dub”

Between 2018 and 2021, hardcore mainstays Modern Life Is War released a series of singles known as Tribulation Worksongs. Originally released on limited seven inches, the six songs that comprised the sessions have now been condensed into a single EP, with an added Urian Hackney dub remix of highlight “Feels Like End Times.” This is not only great news for vinyl enthusiasts that hate standing up repeatedly in between songs, but also for those who like their apocalyptic lyrics coupled with a bit more groove.

Laura Jane Grace “Birds Talk Too”

With less than a month until the release of Laura Jane Grace’s forthcoming LP, ‘Hole In My Head,’ the singer-songwriter has, well, graced us with one more earworm to tide us over. ‘Birds Talk Too’ – which was reportedly written on an elaborately painted guitar gifted to her by Japanese tattoo artist, Gakkin – is a ridiculously fun new-wavy bop that only Grace could sing. Be warned that we are not responsible for your impending inability to get the hellaciously catchy guitar riff out of your head once you hit play.

Adrianne Lenker “Sadness As A Gift”

Big Thief’s Adrianne Lenker just announced her fourth LP, ‘Bright Future,’ which is due out at the end of March. If you hear reports of unprecedented flooding around that time, keep in mind that global warming might not be the culprit, but rather the collective tears of all who dare to pick up a copy. Coupled with the announcement comes a new single ‘Sadness As A Gift’ which is an Americana-drenched ode to finding beauty in the aftermath of a romance grown cold. Despite its overall positive outlook, you should probably delete your ex’s number before listening.

Green Day “Bobby Sox”

Green Day just released their fourteenth studio album, ‘Saviors.’ You might be shocked to learn that it’s actually a pretty solid effort after what seemed like an endless slew of misses from the legendary pop-punk trio. To help usher in the album’s release the band dropped a surprise video for the song ‘Bobby Sox.’ In addition to being a refreshingly fun track and album highlight, its accompanying visual is a wholesome who’s who of a new generation of punk, featuring cameos from the Linda Lindas, Destroy Boys, Zulu, and a shit ton more. The kids are alright, and apparently Green Day is too.

The American Analog Set “What Are We Going to Tell Guy”

Early next month, lo-fi noise-pop legends The American Analog Set will release a 5-LP box set entitled ‘New Drifters.’ It will collect their first three albums and a bevy of studio outtakes. The latest outtake, ‘What Are We Going to Tell Guy,’ is a nearly 13-minute stroll through various soundscapes. It’s so calming that we’ve been quietly playing it during the frequent and violent altercations that occur in our writers’ room. It seems to be working so far, but we can’t emphasize how soon the rest of the box set needs to come out.

Arm’s Length “I Don’t Love You (My Chemical Romance Cover)”

Every fledgling emo band must go through several rites of passage before becoming embedded within the scene. While many of these rites are steeped in mystery and heavily guarded from the public, the covering of ‘Black Parade’ era My Chemical Romance is a well-known and essential practice. The quality of said cover can make or break a band’s entire career, so we’re happy to report Ontario up-and-comers Arm’s Length have really knocked it out of the park with their rendition of MCR’s classic ballad ‘I Don’t Love You.’

The Menstrual Cramps “Body Politics”

Last year was so jam packed with absolute jams that we were bound to miss a few, including The Menstrual Cramps excellent single ‘Body Politics,’ which was released back in November. The track carries on their legacy for patriarchy smashing political punk as it tackles societal gender norms with ferocity and a backbeat you could set a broken watch to. Imagine your Gender Studies professor at a rave and you might get close to the raw power the Menstrual Cramps exude.

We know you have a lot on your plate, and making a playlist is a monumental task to ask of you. That’s why we’ve taken the time to compile these and other songs in an ongoing playlist. It’s updated weekly so all you have to do is blindly follow it and let it warp you accordingly. You can click here to do just that! Thank us when you finally have some relevant bands to talk about.

TurboTax Adds New Feature to Show How Much Blood Users Have on Hands Just From Paying Taxes

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SAN DIEGO — Tax preparation software giant TurboTax announced a new feature that shows users exactly how much of their tax dollars are going to fund a war machine currently perpetrating genocide in Gaza, representatives confirmed.

“We understand a lot of people are frustrated about high taxes, often clenching their fists and screaming ‘What am I even paying for?’ when they see how much money is taken out of their paycheck. That’s where we come in. Our new Blood Calculator™ uses a proprietary algorithm to detail how every dollar you are taxed goes to build a new bomb or drone,” said TurboTax representative Alisha Omari. “And that’s just the free version. For an additional $99 our upgraded package will actually show you photos of the devastation your tax dollars funded that you won’t see anywhere in the media.”

Self-proclaimed conservative Alex Grunnel says he is excited to try the new software.

“I drive down the road and I see all these potholes, bridges falling apart, and trash everywhere and then I’m expected to fork over 25% of my income willingly? I won’t lie, it makes me think this country isn’t that great. And it kills me to say that because I love the flag more than I love my own daughters,” said Grunnel. “But now I’ll get to see the beautiful bombs America so graciously donates to countries we deem worthy so they can absolutely obliterate their enemies without any oversight or repercussions. This might be the first time I’ve looked forward to paying taxes.”

Tamanna Krish, a CPA based in Boston, says competing against corporate tax preparers is getting more difficult.

“When people come to me to do their taxes I don’t have access to Defense Department spending numbers so I can’t give them the same detailed explanation of how their money is being used to kill civilians seeking safety,” said Krish. “H&R Block just rolled out a new feature that shows clients how their taxes fund local police departments and that means H&R Block can basically corner the middle-aged white man market. A lot of my clients tend to be a bit more progressive and believe this is a waste of their money. So after I prepare their taxes I offer a service where I suggest other countries they can move to where taxes fund social services that benefit the people living there, and far less money gets spent on bombing foreign lands.”

At press time, TurboTax announced a new premium package that will show detailed information about how individual taxes are being used to abuse migrants at the Mexico border.

How to Work Out Using Just The Crushing Weight of Your Own Existence

Posted on by Kelley Greene

Want to squeeze in a workout, but not really in the mood to go to the gym?

This helpful guide will provide you with an easy workout you can do right now, in your home, with the heaviest thing you have available — the crushing weight of your own existence. No equipment necessary!

Start by Standing up and Reaching Both Arms Above Your Head

Reach, reach, reach and try to grab ahold of the nagging thought that your one wild and precious life on this Earth is being spent on the Sisyphean task of working 40 hours a week selling things to other humans just to make enough money to buy the things that other humans are working 40 hours a week to sell.

Lower Your Arms as You Begin to Drop Down Into a Squat

Think about the coffee you had this morning. Consider the person who made it for you, the person who delivered the beans, the person who grew those beans, and their lives. They are toiling away simply to provide you with a little treat and you have the nerve to complain about Netflix raising their rates? But if you hadn’t bought the treat, how would they survive? The cycle is endless, like a hamster perpetually spinning in its wheel.

Keep Squatting Down, Down, and Stretch Forward Into a Plank Position

Hold your arms steady and try to keep yourself up while you remember that beyond your monotonous day job, you’ve been making art for years and sharing it online in an attempt to connect — but it’s falling into a massive ocean of human content that will never be acknowledged as society’s attention span continues to wither and die.

You Know What, Just Go Ahead and Lower Your Body Until You’re Face Down on the Floor

What’s the point in doing anything, really, when this physical body will inevitably cease to exist at some unpredictable point in the future? Close your eyes and remember that you’re a tiny speck on a giant rock, hurtling through space at thousands of miles an hour, infinitely moving from dawn to dusk as the universe glides toward entropy.

And that’s it! You’ve done it. Now hop up and try to go about your day normally. Do another workout tomorrow when your AirPods die the second you sit down on the bus, leaving you alone with your thoughts.