NEW YORK — Local woman Pam Carter was reportedly so amped up from another raucous International Women’s Day that she openly carried a tampon down a long hallway to her office’s bathroom, confirmed multiple bearded, aghast sources.
“I usually conceal my tampon in an empty Doritos bag in my purse then put my purse in a sealed Amazon box then stash the box inside a lockable filing cabinet,” said Carter. “It’s a hassle to haul the whole filing cabinet back and forth to the restroom, but I’m not playing that game. Not today the most sacred of days. I’m gonna let everyone know I have this tampon and that it will soon be inserted inside me. The looks everyone gave me were priceless, I just hope nobody files an HR complaint.”
Kyle Jones, an accountant who keeps a personal supply of Charmin under his desk, was offended by the sudden appearance of tampons in the open.
“Of course we all knew about Pam’s disgusting bathroom habit but it was easier to ignore when she wasn’t so in-your-face about it. There’s a time and a place for personal things like that and it’s not in the office, menstrual cycles should be saved for nighttime and weekends,” said Jones, while openly looking at NSFW images on his company computer. “When I think about what Pam does in the bathroom I think about blood and thinking about blood is scary. We all just felt a lot safer when she was dragging the file cabinet back and forth to the bathroom, although it did scratch up the floor remarkably.”
Will Tide, president of the Custodians Union Local 899, has seen firsthand the chaos open tampon use has caused.
“I’ve always been a supporter of women’s rights but historically there’s an uptick in bathroom issues the week after International Women’s Day. We make sure to send out multiple reminders about the delicate pipes in the offices that make up our great city,” said Tide. “We know most men in an office environment get worked up which leads to them making more trips to the bowl and I have my suspicions that they are bringing in toilet paper from an outside source. 2-ply. These old pipes can’t handle the additional ply! There’s been a lot of clogs.”
At press time, Mr. Tide was seen putting the door to the women’s bathroom at the Viacom offices back on its hinges as several employees had taken to opening the door via roundhouse kick while loudly condemning the patriarchy.
More like exhausted fire, this album feels like a step back from the previous release “Ultraviolet,” with frankly doomier sounds, without as much gloom as previous records. The band sounds checked out man, and not in a good, tripping our manner, but in a fucking around on Excel until you get your paycheck and fuck off kind of way. Not a bad record by any stretch, but the band was clearly losing steam, and the ensuing hiatus should not have came as a surprise to anyone, but the band closed their career with one of the best and most inventive Black Sabbath covers ever with a beautiful, ethereal “Paranoid” laying Kylesa peacefully to rest (for now).
No, the band didn’t start their career with a Metallica cover, but it would have been poetic if they did, as their career bookends with another cover of a legendary metal band. This album is Kylesa at their rawest, with much more extreme metal influences being thrown into the proverbial stew that was Kylesa’s evolving sound. This record definitely feels like a calibration record, with the band’s influence on clear display, whereas later records would see their ingredients mixed with more flair and pzazz that is uniquely their own, just like good and spicy Jambalaya on the Bayou where the meat is cooked juussstttt right.
Kylesa in peak sludge metal form here, and ‘In Memory” kicks things off with a riff as memorable as it is crushing, and the rest of the riffs would make Tony Iommi and co. proud mixed with modern sensibilities, hence the death growls courtesy of noisy jowls, Laura and Phil really come into their own on this record as both guitarist, songwriters, and singers. While it may not have been the first Kylesa record, it was the one that clearly established them as a blazing force in modern metal (of both the riff and spliff variety). The only really bad thing to say about this album is that it doesn’t quite hit the highs of later albums, but you gotta test your rockets before you make a moon landing, and while Kylesa doesn’t quite land on the moon, closing track “Crashing Slow” makes us feel like we’re damn close.
More atmospheric and expansive when compared to its predecessor, this record is not a drag, but it does take a drag off you, just like the weed plant in the first Scary Movie lighting up Shorty, which makes sense when coming off hot from Static Tensions. This to say, the record is on fire, and if you don’t play it at the right speed on your record player, it may just get hot enough to start a fire, but it also functions as a better lighter than your stove element when your mate has pocketed your lighter, getting two birds stoned at once without having to leave your living room.
Kylesa’s most straight-up moon orbit record, there’s less aggression here than all of the previous records but that’s not such a bad thing. Phil and Laura firmly cement their place as the Dave Murray and Adrian Smith of sludge, and masters of the guitar trudge, with the ever-reliable Mr. McGinnley on drums, and Eric Hernandez playing bass, drums AND Guitar on this record, there’s more talent on display here than on many contemporary records. Satisfies like a Po’boy when you have the munchies.
Starting off as slow thicc Southern gravy, with just as rich and complex a flavor profile, a funky taste too, and quite frankly, were not sure quite what’s going on now, apparently the flower is turning into some person and their face on the album cover, but the vibes are good man, lots of weird song structures, this album is both crushing and uplifting at the same time. Woooaaaaahhhh!!! And if we’re not, we’re just dust in the wind dude, one with all and all with one, and if anything is worth anything, time will surely fuse its worth. We’re cool, we swear.
“Scapegoat” starts the album by creating an aural experience mimicking the feels and spirals sometimes provided on little strips of paper, this is not just an album but an experience. The two-drummer setup kicks the Grateful Dead’s sorry hippie asses to the curb with an experience just as psychedelic but without all that wonk wonk guitar crap, rending splendor for all of your sense holes. Serious props to Phillip Cope on not just the guitar, but the production as well, providing the right balance of filth and fervor, perfecting the sound to a collection of perfect songs, with a sound cleaner than your average hippie or crustie, defining haut sludge.
figure in the ‘90s American noise scene, Richard Ramirez (his given name) is also the artist behind this masterpiece, cleverly entitled “Flesh.” Songs like “Fucked with Nails” and “Genital Torture Chamber” sound exactly like they sound when said out loud. If you play this through your Bluetooth speaker on the subway, everybody will leave you alone. Or maybe you’ll get a new weird friend. Either way it’s a win win!
Songs like “Untitled” and “Untitled” are one of the best sing-a-long hits of this beautiful genre. Immerse yourself with the smoothing sounds of Japanese adult actress Mayuko Hino and her ex-husband Hiroshi Hasegawa as they take you through this karaoke hit spree. Just beware, you might like it. Or not. Probably not. This is only for the true noise fans. POSERS NOT ALLOWED.
This threeway split features a more delicate approach to noise but that makes it even more intriguing. If the name of the band is “Unseen Noise Death” it can’t suck, right? Well it does not suck at all. “Panic In Nuclear Power Station” gives you radioactive powers through surgically manic sound waves. Bastard Noise’s “Lesson’s Translation Applied To Man” feels like you are listening to a horse having a seizure in his heavily sedated sleep. It’s one of the most touching noise ballads I have ever listened to. Last but not least, Bizarre Uproar’s “Tidal Wave Audio Disintegration Of Sound” brings back memories of heavily sedated grandma. Life was good back in 94.
Masonna has released such classics as “Hate”, “Ejaculation Generater” and “Spectrum Ripper”, but I think it’s safe to say that no studio album compares to Masonna’s live show experience. “Like A Vagina TV” VHS is full of Masonna’s microphone into distortion, into guitar amp signal chain performances that are known to last for 3 minutes. He was the pioneer of short attention span audiences. Masonna would be the perfect act to play at the Vegas Sphere with U2 as the warm up act.
Before “hipster noise,” American noise was living its best days in the ‘90s. This album came in a painted wooden box with artwork and metal wire (or a circuit board) attached to the box itself. Only 15 to 20 of these bad boys were ever made. If you think about what would be the “ultimate vibrator,” it would be Macronympha’s “Ultimate Vibrator.” Good vibes only.
When you start a band, the first releases will be noise hopefully. Some bands stay in the lane, some start doing actual songs. Which sucks. Ophx’s early release will take you to places like “Reservoirs of Infection” and “Oven Run Tongue.” If those names will make you think about eating a fish from an aquarium and vomiting it over your laptop, well it’s probably because they sound exactly like that. All that served with a peachy cover and voilà!
Erik Disorder’s Noizturbation sounds like ZZ Top’s drummer having horrible withdrawal symptoms and recording them. I am not entirely sure if ZZ Top was a major influence for Erik but whatever it was, this album is a masterpiece.
Have I been hit by a car? What the hell is happening? Where is all this noise coming from? Oh nevermind! It’s MAMARRACHO! What happens when you combine drums, noise and voice together? I don’t know but MAMARRACHO’S Demo 2 sounds like you are getting impaled by a moose. Las Tipulas!
Japanese noise musician Yasutoshi Yoshida’s Government Alpha is the only government I want to be a part of. He has a magical talent for making his music sound like he is actually doing something. I have to be honest with you, there are a lot of noise albums where the artist is just outside his studio smoking cigarettes while the record button is on. There is nothing wrong with that, we have all been there. But when President Yoshida takes the stand, we obey.
Have ever heard of the noise act that destroyed a venue with a bulldozer and the sound from that was the show? Well those guys were The Hanatarash and with their “AIDS-A-Delic” album they went into places no noise artist has ever gone. Well they just did something else than perverse use of distortion pedals. It is actually possible to create a noise album with just basic tape editing techniques. Some might argue they sold out, but let me say this, it’s noise if your mom can’t stand it! Then again everything is noise, just ask Luigi Russolo.
My mom fucking hates this tape. And it’s tough not to blame her. The best way to describe anything on this tape is “abrasive.”
Monde Bruits’ album “Selected Noise Works 93-94” sounds like when you die in a motorcycle accident and record it. In a twisted noise way Monde Bruits died eventually in a motorcycle accident. This album is his “Black Star,” but made 11 years before dying. Genius!
If you enjoyed Aube’s relaxing “Luminescence” 1994 VHS, then you probably won’t enjoy this the same way. Even though this is the perfect companion album. Feeling relaxed? Have some “E-Power” champ and start having panic attacks! Aube blasts through this album like Taylor Swift on meta amphetamine. Zero fucks given with a synth on other hand and howling rabid wolf on another.
If you listen to this album in complete darkness, you will hear the voices of ancient cultures screaming to you. They scream “Play it louder!” and as you turn the volume up your neighbor calls the cops. After a delightful night in jail you can go back to my apartment and play it again. This goes on for a few weeks until you end homeless living in your friend’s basement and building an amplifier out of metal junk so you can contact the ancient again.
I don’t know man, there is something in the music of Merzbow that is nowhere else, it’s his unique approach to expression. Or maybe it’s the hamster that died listening to this album or maybe it’s just my tinnitus that blends perfectly with his music? Anyway ‘Venereology” is one of the all time classics of the genre. Album of the year. Grammy winner. Next time you go to the dentist, ask the dear old doctor to play this loud.
Of course, it would be today. You can try rolling the window down and hoping the highway noise is loud enough to drown out another conversation about whether or not a chimp could beat a sumo wrestler in a pie-eating contest.
Yeah, sure enough, this dude is super chatty for a guy already listening to a conversation. “You seen all this woke-ass shit Marvel is doing now?!” That’s his opener. That’s where he wants to start. This is “Hello” in this guy’s world, and you just took a seat in it. Better buckle up, this will be the longest 16 minutes of your life.
Right, sure, real men don’t wear those or some shit, so why would he have his in working order? He only drives strangers around for a living, no need to roll out the red carpet or anything!
The driver-side rearview is attached with duct tape, there are multiple dents, it sounds like the muffler is dragging and the dashboard looks like it’s been punched multiple times for some reason. Oh, there, he just punched it because the light turned red. That explains that one at least.
Sure, we all like to think we’re not susceptible, then next thing you know you’re having coffee with friends casually mentioning that a lot of what we call “global warming” is actually caused by normal shifts in the Earth’s electromagnetic field.
Hopefully, he doesn’t notice what your destination actually is until you get there, because if he does you’re in for an earful about how Western medicine is bullshit and how you need to be paying more attention to your stomach biome. This is all while he drinks Mountain Dew and eats beef jerky from a gas station.
Fuck! He thinks you’re cool with this now! It’s not fair! Duncan is so accessible and charming, he should not be allowed on this show!
No no, take your time everyone, I’m just locked in a confined space with an unbridled psychopath who assumes I hate trans athletes too, no big deal!
As a freethinking alpha male your driver is very likely to have consumed just a SMALL amount of powerful hallucinogenic drugs for breakfast. It helps him think outside the box. Boxes like “I should wait until that elderly woman finishes crossing the street” and “the speed limit.”
“Micrograms, grams, what’s the difference?!” The difference is your driver keeps getting super paranoid and asking if you think the black Cadillac is following you guys when there is no black Cadillac.
You’ve been making a big show of drinking it, hoping to convey that you’re far too busy hydrating to answer questions like “Could you fight a Brazillian?” and “Think Biden’s gonna steal another election?” but come to think of it, was this thing even sealed when he handed it to you? You drank most of it and you feel kinda funny.
You are now trapped in a car with two maniacs, one of whom is sitting right next to you and not even beholden to the Uber star rating system, not that the driver seems to give fuck all about that in the first place! Why the hell didn’t you bail when he picked this guy up like that voice in your head told you to?!
He’s cutting people off left and right, way over the speed limit, and the podcast is getting louder and louder. Oh shit, he’s monologuing about how one day a real rain will come and wash all the scum away. That’s from “Taxi Driver” right? This is bad,
And he knows where it is, and you don’t.
Yup, you built a secure life for yourself, you work out, you haven’t had any saturated fat since 2009, you’ve tried to make the right decisions your entire life, and all of a sudden that means fuck all because you figured an Uber would be quicker than taking the bus. A man who takes horse tranquilizer and raw eggs to treat COVID-19 can end it all with one wrong turn, and judging by what you can gleam of his life, this dude loves wrong turns.
You could fire off a quick “I love you” follow-up text, but those two messages will look super weird together.
Oh SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTT!!!
I mean you ever think about that shit bro? Because the stuff the scientists are doing NOW, in their labs, with the AI and shit, it’s just bringing us closer to an invention that’s going to change EVERYTHING. Once we create a truly intelligent machine advances in our technology are going to happen at a rate that we perceive to be INSTANTANEOUS bro, I mean when you really look at what’s going on we’ve got nanotechnology, we’ve got quantum computing, we’re learning to decode and manipulate the human genome, all of these factors that contribute to, hey what kinda weed we got in this car, can we smoke some weed?
It’s like you can be anything you want but masculine and straight these days bro! You can’t say ANYTHING anymore, because the second you speak your mind you get canceled by the woke mob thought police. It’s all just part of the globalist agenda to create a more complacent and docile populace bro, incapable of putting up a fight so jack-booted socialists can come take our property and round us up into death camps. Have you seen this woke ass shit Marvel is doing these days?!
Yup, being dosed with DMT and exposed to 30 minutes of Joe Rogan was all it took. You’re cured now. You see the light. Time to confidently inform your driver you will no longer be going to the tracking chip murder factory you once called a hospital, and instead bring you to the nearest gun store that also sells elk jerky. Don’t worry, he knows just the place!