WASHINGTON — Observers of Thursday’s State of The Union address were surprised by Joe Biden’s speech after he spent the entire time talking about how true Emo music only comes from the Washington, D.C hardcore scene and that all other forms of Emo are cheap imitations.
“Listen here Jack I’m telling you that Emo music must be from the D.C. hardcore scene and I ain’t talking pornography here for once,” said Biden in his opening remark. “Everyone claims they love Emo but most of the time they’re talking about Myspace pop-punk bands with dumb hair and eyeliner. Those posers can’t hold a candle to The Rites of Spring or Embrace. We need this country to come together, if we can’t agree on something like Emo then how are we going to agree on the economy? I want to make one thing clear; if you weren’t there in the ‘80s like I was when it all started then you ain’t talking Emo.”
Voters were somewhat confused about the direction that the President decided to take while giving the State of The Union.
“We are a divided nation right now so why would he decide to focus on such a divisive issue,” questioned Cory Thompson, a voter from Michigan. “I was hoping he would focus on something that would be less likely to get people mad. Some simple topics like what Israel’s ongoing genocide of the Palestinian people, abortion, trans rights, reparations for slavery, euthanasia, is water wet, literally anything that wouldn’t stir up a massive debate. I’m not sure I can vote for a guy who doesn’t consider Orchid an Emo band just and that’s a shame.”
The GOP rebuttal to the president’s speech, given by Alabama Senator Katie Britt, focused on how coastal elites bogart popular music.
“These snobs think that they’re so smart in their ivory towers and that they can gatekeep all of the music,” said an enraged Britt. “I love emo of all flavors and styles no matter where in the nation it comes from. That’s because I’m a true emo girl. When I say ‘rawr’ to my husband every night that’s me telling him I love him and darn it, that means something. I can still remember wearing my ripped black skinny jeans, purple poofy hair, and my Nightmare Before Christmas jacket with little holes in the sleeves to put my thumbs through while going through law school. I’ve been to more Warped Tour concerts than President Biden and I have the wristbands to prove it. Republicans believe that All Emo Matters no matter where it comes from.”
At press time, it was reported that Joe could be seen giving a long history lesson to the members of the Secret Service about how Ska came before Reggae.