Imagine Dragons Tap the Wiggles and Raffi To Open on Upcoming Tour 

Posted on by Ben Friedman

LOS ANGELES — Imagine Dragons announced their upcoming nationwide tour would include supporting acts featuring the Wiggles and legendary children’s singer Raffi, tour management has confirmed.

“We just wanted an authentic, epic experience for our fanbase, and we thought of no better opening acts than the Wiggles and Raffi. Honestly we’ve wanted to do a tour like this ever since we opened for ‘Sesame Street Live’ early in our career. It feels like we’ve come full circle,” said lead singer Dan Reynolds. “I don’t want to give away too many surprises about their participation, but let’s just say you might see us all on stage during the encore for ‘Believer’ and a new song we’ve been working on about brushing your teeth.”

Legendary children’s singer Raffi was looking forward to touring again, albeit with a few reservations.

“The members of the Wiggles and I mulled it over before accepting the offer, because frankly we could just go on tour ourselves and make just as much money. But when’s the next time I’ll be able to play ‘Banana Phone’ in front of 20,000 people?” said Raffi. “Not going to lie, I thought Imagine Dragons just made commercials but it turns out we have the exact same fan demographic. They are supposed to be making songs for preschoolers, right? I hope they don’t think the Wiggles and I are going to be all buddy-buddy with them, because at the end of the day these guys aren’t even close to being in our league.”

Imagine Dragons’ tour manager Brad Lorenzo was just glad he found someone to open.

“Thank the fucking lord they signed on to open. The Danny Go! folks laughed and hung up on me, and Christian Jacobs from Aquabats flat out told me Imagine Dragons was too immature, whatever that means,” said Lorenzo. “You have no idea how hard it is to book an arena tour where alcohol sales are going to be non-existent, so I’m hedging my bets on the legacy of Wiggles and Raffi to join to get these seats filled. Let’s just hope the marketing team’s plan to give away discounted tickets at Gymboree pays off.”

As of press time, the tour has been postponed after Raffi refused to work with Reynolds after his claim Imagine Dragons was bigger than Sharon, Lois, and Bram.

Classic Rock DJ Hastily Throws on ‘In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida’ Before Unwrapping Burrito

Posted on by Billy Patterson

ALTOONA, Pa. — Local radio DJ Danny “Mustang” McGibbon quickly pressed play on Iron Butterfly’s classic 17-minute-long rock song “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” before diving into his lunchtime burrito, ravenous sources confirmed.

“When you’re broadcasting for hours at a time sometimes you just need a break,” said McGibbon, dabbing at a blotch of sour cream on his chin with a paper napkin. “I have the 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. midday slot, so eating lunch is always a challenge. But I’ve got a list of long songs I can play, depending on what I’m eating. Salads are easy, since I can eat the first half during, say, ‘November Rain,’ then do a quick station ID, then finish it during ‘Won’t Get Fooled Again.’ But for something messier like a burrito or a meatball sub, I need to be a lot more hands-off in my broadcasting. That’s where prog rock is a godsend.”

Longtime listener of the station Sarah Segura says she can often recognize when McGibbon plays a tune to buy time.

“I’ve been listening to Mustang for a while now, so when I hear him throw on a super long track around 12:30 or 1 p.m., I know he’s chowing down on a big sandwich,” said Segura. “Shorter tracks like ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ or ‘Born to Run’ are just long enough for him to take a piss– you can hear the relaxation in his voice when he rushes back to the microphone– but for a meal, he needs longer. Sometimes if it’s getting late in the afternoon and I can tell he’s getting hungry, I’ll call in and request side two of ‘The Dark Side of the Moon’ just so he can have time to squeeze in a meal.” 

Ronnie Kunkel, a sound engineer present at the 1968 recording of ‘In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida,’ recalls that the band intended to create a lengthy song that would provide relief for radio DJs.

“Back in the ‘60s, most songs were kept pretty short, the thinking being that a short song would be more ‘radio-friendly’ and be played more often,” Kunkel mused. “But Iron Butterfly, they had a different idea. They realized that these radio DJs were stuck at their chairs, sorting through stacks of vinyl and talking on the mic for hours on end. They were dying for a song long enough to give them a chance to step away to grab a coffee, or eat a snack, or chat up the office receptionist. So when ‘In-A-Gadda’ came out, it was an instant hit. We had fan mail from DJs all over the country coming in, thanking us for the song and saying that their prayers had been answered.”

At press time, a satisfied McGibbon put on Pink Floyd’s 23-minute track “Echoes” as he prepared for his post-lunch nap.

So-Called January 6 Patriot Yet To Be Rearrested for Soliciting a Minor

Posted on by Ryan Darrah

TOLEDO, Ohio — Dale Fistler, local participant at the January 6 riots on Capitol Hill, has been rearrested for disorderly conduct, trespassing and public drunkenness but, according to sources, the so-called “patriot” has yet to be rearrested for soliciting a minor.

“Long before Dale stormed the Capitol, he tried to infiltrate my 6th grade sleepover birthday party,” said Dawn Ellis, Fistler’s now estranged sister. “At the time, I thought he was just being an annoying older brother, but looking back, it’s pretty clear he was attempting to groom my friends Tanya and Caitlyn. I haven’t spoken to Dale since my husband escorted him out of our daughter’s 8th grade graduation party after Dale berated anyone who would listen about how the age-of-consent laws are fueling western civilization’s masculinity crisis. Every time I see another news story about a pardoned J6er getting rearrested for harrassing teen girls or grooming minors, I presume it’s gonna be my dumbass brother.”

Fistler blasted his sister and everyone else in his life who has suggested he seems like just the type of MAGA devotee who would get himself rearrested on charges of possessing child pornography or some other sex crime involving minors. 

“I swear, whether it’s my probation officer, my sister or even some of the guys I work with at the gun range, everybody’s drunk on the woke kool-aid,” said Fistler before gloating about smearing feces on the door of the Capitol women’s restroom closest to then Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi’s office. “I wasn’t loitering in the local high school’s parking lot to hit on teenaged chicks; I was there to recruit fellow patriots to start a new chapter of Turning Point USA. And yeah, I let them know if the libtards running the school won’t let them host meetings on school grounds, they could hold them at my place, which would simply be my way of honoring the legacy of Charlie Kirk and not some inappropriate ploy to get teen girls in my apartment. But hey, bonus if teenage girls do show up, right?”

Political science professor Joel Nelson, who studies the criminality of pardoned insurrectionists, suggested that Fistler ticks several red flag warning boxes.

“We’re seeing an alarming trend,” Nelson noted. “Other J6ers who’ve been rearrested for harassing or assaulting minors displayed a sudden obsession with differentiating between pedophiles and ephebophiles and manically sharing clips of Megyn Kelly diminishing the criminality of ephebophiles because they’re just guys like Jeffrey Epstein who are attracted to 15-year-old girls who could be mistaken for being almost barely legal.”

At press time, Fistler was rearrested for threatening school board members for refusing to admit they’d mandated kitty litter boxes in girls’ bathrooms, a charge surprisingly unrelated to stalking or harassing minors.  

Opinion: I’ll Say What We’re All Thinking: It’s Time To Privatize the Fire Department

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

Greetings peons! The time has come once again for us to talk about the taxpayer’s wasted dollar! As a concerned citizen and triple entrepreneur (gym membership sales, Bitcoin mining, and writing AI self-help books), I know the value of a dollar. Believe me, I’ve lost a lot of them, and it hurts. You know, we as residents of this fair city are entitled to the best. Are we not? If you needed an operation and had the choice between springing for a ten-thousand-dollar surgeon or paying a hundred dollars for some bum from the slums, I’m betting you wouldn’t pick the bum. 

Why then is it so foolish to suggest charging people a little bit more for basic public goods? Why is it that it’s so foolish to suggest privatizing the fire department?

I mean, we’re already so spoiled. Our tap water comes out when we want it to, and it’s almost always the right color. Our streets are paved with asphalt, not dirt. And our toilets carry our stool away without complaint. But we don’t get these things for free. And if you’re willing and able to pay a little more money, you can get a toilet that also has a bidet to give you a nice little spritz around the bum-bum region. You’re telling me it’s so stupid that we should be able to pay more to have the fire department prioritize us?

There’s a lot of good that’ll come of this. Sure, my plans to militarize the police and corporatize the military have thus far been met by mocking laughter. You say “the police don’t need bazookas at traffic stops.” “The military shouldn’t be owned by Amazon.com,” you cry. But my pay-per-gallon hose is both cost-effective and a great way to save water and silence snotty environmentalists. 

Look, I can hear the whining. Oh, it’s not fair. Oh, it’s wrong. Oh, this plan would allow the homes and businesses of the less fortunate to be reduced to ash while prioritizing the property of the wealthy. To which I say: Yes. But that’s not a bad thing. For one thing, the wealthy are creators of jobs and housing. If they have housing and jobs, it’s easier for them to create it for the people who lost everything in the fire. You wouldn’t ask the man who’s lost his life raft to throw you a preserver. That’s just bad business.

Plus, some buildings are old and ugly. If people can’t pay to save them from destruction, then there’s probably a reason for it. Get rid of those awful pre-war eyesores and put up some condos. Which, by the way, my uncle’s construction company makes. 

I’ve thought a lot about this! Each night, I watch my favorite erotic film — RoboCop — and rub my greasy little pepperoni nipples. And when they’re nice and pointy, I get to thinking. Survival of the fittest is the law of the jungle! Because after all, if a wildebeest can’t afford an armed guard with an AK-47, it deserves to be eaten by lions. 

Drummer’s Yearbook Photo Obscured by Guitarist and Half a Keyboard

Posted on by Tom K

SAN DIEGO — Local student at Pardo High School and drummer Grey Martin was noticeably missing in the majority of their yearbook photo, which predominantly featured members of their hardcore/finger-crust band, Crambulate, confirmed sources. 

“It comes with the territory,” said Martin, who comes from a long line of drummers they have never fully seen and was reportedly feeling “unsurprised” by how the picture turned out. “Whether in the back of the orchestra, in the corner of a cramped dive, or even at a bris there’s always some other musician or rabbi between me and the camera. My drivers license photo is somehow mostly David Lee Roth. I’m used to it now, but it wasn’t always like this, I was always heavily acknowledged and highly regarded until I took the throne. Since then, my visibility has plummeted.”

Crambulate guitar Mack Rivers didn’t really see an issue with the yearbook photo.

“I think it turned out pretty well,” said Rivers. “I like how my hair looks, the light caught my tele just right, and you can tell I’m really getting my shred on. Honestly, one of the best pictures of Grey I’ve seen. As a lead axe-man, it’s my job to use my mobility on stage and in life to stand tall for those who must sit, and I can’t let that allyship go unacknowledged. The challenge is getting in frame from every angle. There are no craftier photogs to outsmart than a drummer’s friends and family. Luckily there aren’t many of either.”

John Jason, the freelance photographer hired for the picture day, attests that documenting drummers has proved “historically difficult.” 

“I’ve been around and I’ve got ‘em all. Bigfoot, Loch Ness monster, I even got a nice action shot of Jeff Magnum getting curb-stomped by a geologist from Animal Collective,” said Jason. “But drummers just never seem to develop quite right. Never been able to get one in a shot alone. Even with Grey, I cleared the entire room, drew the blinds, hung up garlic, and still I only got like an elbow and a hairline.”

At press time, Pardo High School has since announced that, going forward, yearbook club will offer “out of focus rhythm section” as a background option along with green lasers and blue fade.

Thoughtful Gym-Goer Wipes Equipment Down Until Nothing Left

Posted on by Skyler Hanrath

LANSING, Mich. — After wrapping up a set of press exercises, local gym-goer Dan Chambers set to work wiping away the sweat and general body residue he’d left behind on the equipment until nothing was remaining of the machine at all, confirmed sources.

“It’s just the polite thing to do. You get your workout in, then, before someone else has to climb onto the seated row machine and feel your nasty sweat on their body, you just wipe the thing down until it’s all gone,” said Chambers, whose workout regimen has completely bankrupted a number of gyms in the area. “Start with the bench—wiping that completely away with a gym towel’s gonna take 10, 15 days of uninterrupted back-and-forth wiping, which the next user will very much appreciate. Then, move onto the back rest—now, those things generally aren’t just foam anymore, they’re often a molded plastic beneath a leather pad. To wipe them until they’re nothing at all, well, you’re gonna have to put your life on hold for a beat, but the future user will thank you for your effort when there’s a clean pile of equipment particulate for them to try to use.”

Other clients at Chambers’ gym, while appreciative of his sentiment, aren’t too pleased to have him destroying the equipment they’d also like to use.

“There’s considerate, and then there’s what Dan Chambers is doing,” explained Carolina Ramirez, another gym-goer. “Yes, your nasty post-workout body residue should be wiped off of the machine when you’re done, that’s a no-brainer. But if you’re wiping until you’ve eroded a bench press, you’ve gone too far.”

Cleaning equipment when you’ve finished with it is a long-established gym standard, but the extremes Chambers go to are unlike any even Shannon Chi, who owns the gym he works out at, has ever seen.

“This gym runs on two things: membership fees and the culture. Now, unfortunately, some members take that culture—which, at its best, is professional, if a little competitive—it’s a gym, people are working their adrenaline—too far,” explained Chi. “Dan has now reduced a chest press, two lateral raises, and a leg extension to nothing but a mound of metal shavings and leather dust. We’re temporarily closing until we can replace everything he’s wiped into oblivion.”

At press time, Chambers was seen taking a floor buffer to a palm print he’d left on the gym door when entered to workout.

Opinion: Snoopy Is Kind of a Dick for Wasting Housing

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

You know Snoopy, the universally beloved figure from everyone’s childhood who brings joy and whimsy to all. Well, think again! This bastard loves flaunting his disregard for income inequality, and frankly, I’m tired of pretending otherwise.

The scene is familiar: a well-kept lawn, a white picket fence, a large, sturdy dog house, and on top of that house, a cute cartoon beagle. But is it cute? Is it? I ask you this: is it fair that you can barely afford a studio apartment in the shittiest part of town, and this asshole has an entire house but leaves it empty to sleep on top of it as some grotesque performance of eccentricity? No! Snoopy should pick up a newspaper and read the business section as well as the fucking room. It’s not the 1950’s anymore, Snoop. Families aren’t buying houses on one unfaithful man’s salary. The people are struggling. You’d think a dog who grew up in the foster care system playing bottles and jugs for a buck would be more understanding of the working-class struggle, but I guess he really changed once he joined the Peanuts gang.

Listen, I’m not unreasonable. I understand you have to make your living situation work for you. If he were stuck with a dilapidated house he couldn’t afford to work on, I’d understand. But it’s clear that that’s not the case.

He decorates for the seasons and holidays with a fervor that sparks ferocious envy in the hearts of suburban fathers with nothing else going on. This shows he not only cares about the state of the house, but that he can afford frequent upkeep and renovations.

He’s hoarding a perfectly suitable dwelling and just keeping it empty for no goddamn reason. He’s basically the dog equivalent of corporate landlords leaving a unit empty to keep both demand and rent high.

I think at this point it’s pretty clear there’s only one thing left for us to do: beat him to within an inch of his life with a rolled-up newspaper. Preferably, one with a piece about the housing crisis on the front page.

New Music Streaming App Will Take Money Directly From Artists on User’s Canceled List

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

SAN FRANCISCO — A new music streaming app will take money directly from controversial artists so that users may listen to them with less financial guilt, sources from the company confirmed.

“The list of artists that good people find it irresponsible to listen to is ever growing, and unfortunately our analytics team told us there’s fewer bad people than we thought,” explained Chris Connelly, CEO of the app The Devil’s Radio. “So we built a totally new type of app with a revolutionary revenue system. We figured it could work if instead of giving Thom Yorke money per stream, we instead take it from him using a complex system of pulleys and other cat burgling tools. So far, we’ve gotten away with it except for one incident involving Chris Brown.”

Relieved music enthusiasts everywhere have been reacting to the news.

“Are you serious? I couldn’t be happier,” shared moral music listener Noelle Fiorelli. “I basically haven’t listened to music since gaining a conscience. I’d switch to podcasts, but that’s even more of a minefield of bad political takes and even worse personal lives. Do you know how many artists support Israel? My playlist of artists who don’t is 12 minutes long and I don’t even like 12 minutes’ worth of Dua Lipa songs. My playlists are about to be lit. Bring on the Gaga!”

An executive at Billboard shared insights into how this release will play out in the music industry.

“This is going to change everything about who’s getting listens,” said Grace Stearns. “Artists who are universally hated will get more play, but lose money. Artists who are polarizing, on the other hand, will gain some listens but lose others. For example, Michael Jackson will get a lot more play time in some households, and conversely his numbers will go down in households filled with people in severe denial. But it won’t be the most confusing time his estate has ever had.”

Movie studios are taking note of this innovation and are trying out something similar by making Tom Cruise attend movie screenings to hand out wads of cash.

Christopher Nolan Accused of IMAXxing  

Posted on by Matthew Micheletti

LOS ANGELES — Longtime director Christopher Nolan was accused of a phenomenon known as “IMAXxing” by critics and peers, confirmed sources who demanded answers. 

“If you ask me, Nolan’s been IMAXxing because he can’t tell a story on 35mm anymore. Once he got a taste of Satan’s film stock, it was game over for him,” said film critic Ace Watley. “Christopher is clearly taking a hammer to the screen to enhance his aspect ratios and I’m pretty sure he’s microdosing meth to be able to edit movies to be two hours longer than normal. That’s why his last film was six and a half hours long. If anyone should be IMAXxing it’s the porn industry. And mostly because it would make total sense to see a 25-foot-long penis.”

Nolan defended his participation in this bizarre new trend.

“Some people think I am just compensating for something, but really I wanted Matt Damon’s forehead to be two stories tall and then I just kept shooting,” said Nolan. “You know, 35mm film is so limiting. I can tell a much grander story when Batman’s junk is nine feet long, it really draws the audience into the feature when they can really see it, you know? Anyway, I don’t care what anyone says, shooting on 280mm is the only way to film a movie.”

Even Hollywood royalty were quick to accuse Nolan of IMAXxing, including James Cameron. 

“Look, Nolan is a hack. I mean come on, he didn’t even force sequels to production that literally no one asked for. I mean for crying out loud, he doesn’t even have seven-foot-tall blue people in his films,” said Cameron. “Of course he’s IMAXxing, only an idiot would think he wasn’t hitting that Black Tar Cellulose for everything he shoots. It’s the only way to film something so addictive that people will sit in a theater for five hours with no intermission. You gotta get ‘em hooked early.” 

At press time, Nolan was seen recutting the Batman movies to get a shot of Michael Caine’s totally stacked dumper on a two-story screen.

Five Books You Must Pretend To Read in Public Before You Die

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Ah, reading. Some of us pretend to do it at home. Some of us pretend to do it for book club. And the rest of us simulate the act of reading in public to show the world we are painstakingly cultured. However, oftentimes it can feel like there are so many paperbacks out there, it’s hard to choose which to pretend to read next. Good thing we’re here to let you know the five books you must performatively act like you’re reading in public before you die a horrible, horrible death. 

Consider this list like Goodreads, but for those of us who don’t actually want to take up valuable brain space for reading comprehension.

“1984” By George Orwell

Everyone keeps saying things like, “We’re living in 1984.” Presumably, they’re either talking about this novel’s resemblance to our current times, whatever this book is about, or they’re referring to the year “A Nightmare on Elm Street” came out, which totally ruled. By pretending to read this book in a coffee shop, hopefully someone — anyone — will clear this phrase up for you. I mean, it does often feel like we’re living in a nightmare where Freddy Krueger is trying to murder you with his finger knives.  

“Infinite Jest,” By David Foster Wallace

Pretending to read this one on the subway will show everyone within a 15-foot radius of you that you have strong biceps, capable forearms, and a formidable core because this book weighs a ton. You’ll get a solid workout, but you somehow won’t consume a single word on the page. But hey, no one’s going to question you with those magnificent triceps. 

“The Communist Manifesto,” By  Karl Marx 

Socialism is hot right now. Communism is even hotter. No one knows the difference between the two of them, but that shouldn’t stop you from sitting on a park bench, hiding your phone in between the pages of this book, and scrolling TikTok instead. Someone online is bound to sum up what this book is about for you at some point.  

“Ulysses,” By James Joyce

James Joyce was a heavy drinker. By performatively reading his books in an Irish pub by yourself, it’s like you’re condoning alcohol abuse for the sake of craft. If we know anything about solo binge-drinking, it makes your literature pretty darn famous. Bonus points if you’re taking swigs of whiskey while “reading” this at the bar. It’s what James would’ve wanted. And once you’re appropriately hammered, you may even try your hand at pretending to write a novel or screenplay in public. There are no limits to playing adult make-believe.

“If You Would Have Told Me: A Memoir,” By John Stamos

If you’ve ever simulated the act of reading this one publicly, you’re in great company. I’m talking Dave Coulier, Aunt Becky, and even one of the Olsen twins, all of whom pretended this was the “The Great Gatsby” of celebrity memoirs. This is one of those pieces of classic literature that everyone must pretend to read in public before they die from blunt force trauma, like Bob Saget. Have mercy.

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