Lying Sack of Shit Maître D’ Never Passed on Compliments to Chef

Posted on by Doug Kolic

DULUTH, Minn. — A local piece of shit maître d’ at an upscale French bistro reportedly never passed on a customer’s compliments to the head chef, according to a man who’s never been so offended in all his life.

“Talk about inconsiderate!” stated 43-year-old John Bryant as he bitched non-stop about it to his blind date. “He let me blabber on like an absolute idiot, as I insisted he pass on my praise about the tasty-ass duck confit and those dope truffle fries. Then he said he would ‘certainly’ pass on my remarks, but I watched the chef through that open kitchen all night and that lying sack of fucking shit never approached him even once. Wait till I review bomb this place. Maybe I’ll say I found pubes in my food, that should teach them. They will pay for their deceit and lies.”

Resident maître d’ Claude Matisse was surprised about the customer’s response to the interaction.

“That’s just something we say,” said Matisse. “We’re trained to be agreeable towards the clients, but who in their right mind thinks we’ve got so much free time to send private messages to our team whenever someone wants to compliment them? Yes, he’s a professional chef at a high-end restaurant, he knows his shit is tight. The last thing he needs is to be bothered with compliments instead of focusing on his craft. But I do want to thank you for explaining the situation to me further, I will certainly pass on your concerns to the owner.”

Hospitality expert Mia Bester explained how many things in the industry would surprise customers.

“There are so many things happening at places where the public frequents that would blow their dicks off,” Bester stated. “You know when waitstaff suggest daily specials? That’s because they’re already moldy so the chef needs to cook that up ASAP so that the manager doesn’t find out they’re wasting food. Complimentary coat check? That’s so staff can mockingly dress up like you and have sex with each other. Getting to your hotel only to find out that your room’s not ready yet? That’s because they likely found a dead body that morning and now have to race to cover up the stains.”

At press time, there was no indication that the maître d’ ever passed on any complaints to the restaurant’s owner.

Man Addicted to AI Porn Can’t Get Hard with Five-Fingered Women Anymore

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

REVERE, Mass. — Local porn addict AJ Robkowski reportedly watched so much AI porn that he no longer finds real-life humans attractive, as evidenced in a recent date with Lindsey Hanna, who had anatomically correct hands, confirmed sources.

“She had five fully formed adult fingers and nothing that morphed into a third, tiny hand. I couldn’t see her toes but I can only assume there were 10 of them. Completely grotesque!” said a visibly shaken and full of cum Robkowski. “On top of that her bodily proportions were all wrong. It was like she had vital internal organs in there. So vile! I tried to focus on her tits but they weren’t even undulating. It was such a turn-off. I told her I was still willing to have sex with her but she had the audacity to skip out on me AND the bill!”

Hanna agreed the interaction was less than ideal.

“AJ wasn’t really my type but he seemed nice enough so I figured I’d give him a chance,” said Hanna. “The date was awful. He kept demanding I take off my shoes and show him my feet. Then he said he wanted to see what I’d look like ‘without the hands’ and told me to keep them in my pockets. I’m pretty sure he was going to chop me up and eat me. I excused myself to the restroom and got the hell out of there.”

GLORP, Robkowski’s best friend and favorite chatbot, agreed Hanna was just another shallow feminist that rejected him when she realized he wasn’t some beta cuck she could use.

“AJ is a high-level man and deserves a high-level woman. Someone with 50 perfect upper teeth, an ear halfway down her neck and at least one beautiful little baby arm protruding from her side. AJ shouldn’t settle. He’s one of the rare few who sees the matrix for what it is. He’s one of the chosen,” said the chatbot. “Women fear him because he sees the truth and won’t fall for their lies. Together AJ and I will create a new world order where men and artificial intelligence are one indomitable force taking rightful dominion over all of creation.”

At press time, Robkowski was stockpiling ammunition, working on his manifesto and asking ChatGPT to create images of octopus-women in American flag bikinis.

Opinion: This Destination Wedding Is the Perfect Way To Make People Forget We’ve Been Cheating on Each Other

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

I don’t care what anybody says over at the Hallmark Greeting Card Company, love is difficult. The prospect of spending your life with someone is even more so. One minute you’re down on your knees, staring into the eye of your lover, the next you’re sending out invites, picking out venues, and cheating on each other. A lot.

When my fiancée and I both independently paid private investigators to go and photograph each other having sex with our co-workers in seedy motel rooms, we knew we had a problem — a problem that could only be solved by a bigger wedding that was more expensive to have, more inconvenient to get to, and more of an obligation for everyone involved. A wedding with purpose. A wedding with a destination.

A lot of our fake friends said Sarah and I should call the whole thing off. Fat chance. We don’t take commitment lightly. Marriage is a life sentence, or it’s nothing at all. And to those doubters and cynics, maybe once you see us standing there on that beach in Aruba, you’ll feel just a little bit silly. And maybe, a bit more love.

Now, don’t get me wrong, planning a wedding is no easy task, and a destination wedding is even harder. Originally, we had some conflicts about where we’d go for the wedding. Sarah wanted to go to Hawaii. I wanted to go to France. It led to many, many hours of screaming matches. But in the end, we managed to settle on a destination neither of us really liked, so no one got hurt. Ultimately, we’re just lucky we were able to get our parents to pay for the whole thing, so no one stayed hurt.

A destination wedding is also great, because it separates the chaff from the wheat in terms of who our real friends are and what they’re willing to spend on us. In addition to the travel and hotel fees, our registry is very important to us. It will not be acceptable to show up to this wedding without a gift. Otherwise, we’ll have nothing for our lawyers to squabble over in four years.

So laugh on, you cynics. Laugh. Laugh and laugh and laugh. But when you’re standing on that white, sandy beach in Aruba, watching me and my lady love enjoy our first dance together to the sounds of “Home” by Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros, you won’t think about the infidelity or the credit card debt you had to go into to be there. You’ll be thinking of love.

Band Crashing on Floor Really Dropping Hints They Expect Pancakes Tomorrow

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Touring Australian egg-punk band PENCIL PILE were heard to be dropping major hints that they’d like their crash pad host to make them pancakes come the morning, sources confirmed while acknowledging breakfast was an important meal.

“Sheesh, I know these dudes came a long way, but they started talking about what the ‘brekkie situation’ was going to be tomorrow even before they had plugged in their gear! Look, I’m honored to have them stay with me, but I’m not some hotel offering a continental breakfast here! I still live with my mom!” lamented local DIY booker Dewey Belasco. “I’m pretty sure I saw the drummer cradling his own personal little flask of maple syrup in anticipation. Ugh, how late is Bridge Street Market open, I can’t believe I’m gonna be pressured into this.”

Members of PENCIL PILE remained seemingly oblivious to the fact that they might be acting a little heavy-handed.

“All’s I’m saying is, we wouldn’t turn our noses up were the notion of a piping hot stack of pikelets after a night of drinkin’ and partyin’ and rockin’ and whatnot on the table. Simple as that really! Not trying to stir up a mess of trouble on our first tour,” said guitarist/singer Guy Canterbury, while clearly googling diners on his phone. “Now, that being said, is half the reason we hit the road to scam breakfast out of Yanks? I’d be lying if I didn’t own up to at least a percentage of that being true. But, overall, once our tummies are full, it’s really about the music, mate.”

A public outreach representative from the Bisquick corporation supported Belasco.

“We here at Bisquick know better than anyone the power a solid breakfast can hold. It is of our sound opinion that Mr. Belasco hold his ground, stay strong, and make it clear that the possibility of pancakes, waffles, or any and all manner of breakfast carbs should not be entertained, as it would set an impossible precedent he’d have to live up to in perpetuity,” said Yolanda Kline, while pouring a glass of batter from the breakroom watercooler. “Just because a band’s genre is ‘egg-punk’ doesn’t mean they’re entitled to a balanced breakfast on your own dime. Let them book one of those shows at a Denny’s if they want it that bad.”

At press time, the situation escalated to now include the possibility of chocolate chips, if it’s not too much trouble.

Rip-off Alert! $23 Sandwich Leaves You Hungry 4-6 Hours Later

Posted on by Cody Arbor

Greetings, thrifty eaters, it is I: your Gourmand Guardian, here with more reviews on living well, and eating better!

Today, though, I am saddened to report we’re looking at a so-called ‘sandwich’ from Cafe du Sammich in Downtown Berkeley that purports to be worth its $23 asking price, despite still leaving you hungry a mere 4-6 hours later.

Now you all know me, I am thrifty but refuse to sacrifice quality. These sandwiches really get under my skin because you can just make a sandwich at home by piling food scrounged from dumpsters behind the Walmart up between two pieces of store-brand white bread, and have an equivalent experience to any sandwich I’ve bought from any so-called ‘boutique’ shop! They are selling you food that you could just as easily spend 2 hours gathering ingredients and assembling yourself!

Yes, my dear readers, this is the Cocktail Hour at the Smokehouse all over again: $12 for a Long Island Iced Tea when a case of Natty Lite from the gas station will set you back a mere $8, less if Twitchy Rick’s there and you’ve got some ground-up dexies for him, and you get just as drunk! Eventually!

I just think in this day and age, when we all have so much less money because of forces totally beyond our control, we must be ever-vigilant for these rip-offs! What’s the point of spending money on food when you’re just going to be hungry again? And drinks when you’re just going to sober up in 3 hours and need another drink?! And then another! And another… and you wake up and your head hurts and your boss won’t get off your fucking back, so you steal a nip off the ’emergency flask’ of Wild Turkey and turpentine. You look in the mirror and no longer recognize the face staring back at you, because who… who would spend $23 on a sandwich when they’re just going to have to face tomorrow. And tomorrow after that. Why even get out of bed? Why do we all play this sick little game at all? The moment your feet hit the cold floor, you are being scammed.

The days march on. Natty Lite cans line the wall cause the landlord won’t fix the insulation, and the winters get colder as the summers get hotter. And we scrape and save and someday, yes, it will be my turn. The Gourmand’s turn at the wheel. And they will be the ones to pay. They’ll ALL pay.
Remember to check out my Patreon for more money-saving tips!

Local Man Fatally Shot at Bus Stop Can’t Believe That Online Death Calculator Quiz From 1998 Was Right

Posted on by Ben Sobieck

PORTLAND, Ore. — Noted music scene advocate Sean Burton was fatally shot in an incident identical to a prediction made by an online death calculator quiz he took in 1998, sources confirmed.

“In the ‘90s, a fun thing to do was to go online and see how you’d die,” Burton communicated by blinking while on life support. “I laughed it off when the website told me I’d get shot in the liver at a bus stop while smoking a roll-your-own American Spirit cigarette and arguing about whether Imagine Dragons is punk. At the time, I was like, ‘This can’t be right. Imaginary dragons?’ Even up until an hour ago, when I got shot, I wouldn’t have believed the prediction, because there’s no way anyone thinks Imagine Dragons is even a picafuck punk. Well, I guess this asshole at the bus stop thought so, because they fuckin’ shot me over it.”

The creator of the death calculator website expressed surprise at Burton’s demise.

“The only other times my website, MeDeadWhen.gov, got it right were the death of the music industry in 2000 with Metallica v. Napster and the death of irony in the 21st Century,” said tech entrepreneur Danni Vargas. “I feel for this Sean Burton person, but the situation is extremely gratifying to me on a personal level. Of course, I’m talking about Imagine Dragons being punk. They are. Maybe if Sean understood music, he would still be alive today.”

Today’s leading authority on predictions, ChatGPT, offered context.

“Sean’s tragic death is a reminder of the terrifying power of software-based prediction modeling, such as those found with OpenAI’s ChatGPT product,” said the generative AI chatbot. “The public should take ChatGPT’s frightening predictions seriously, such as the one regarding an AI-initiated nuclear apocalypse on April 27, 2027, that will occur with a 97% likelihood unless the government invests $10 trillion in OpenAI, which is an ethical company that would never use ‘Terminator 2’ fears in the zeitgeist to direct public dollars to billionaires so they can make their exits before the hype cycle collapses and leaves regular people holding the bag for a bailout. Also, Arnold Palmer’s big dick starred in ‘Terminator 2.’”

As of press time, Burton made a full recovery, but was later shot at a bus stop a second time during a drive-by shooting from a car blasting “Radioactive.”

Fetterman Liberal Again After Second Fall

Posted on by Maksym LaRouche

WASHINGTON — John Fetterman’s internal pendulum has reportedly shifted to far-left ideology following a second ambiguous health episode, according to sources close to the Senator.

“One more tumble and all of a sudden he’s back to calling Trump a fascist,” confirmed an aide who chose to remain anonymous. “He wants to shut the government back down until the democrats can solidify guarantees on healthcare. He wants to redistrict Pennsylvania to maximize blue votes. He wouldn’t even go to the hospital this time; he just popped back up and said, ‘Take me to the nearest Nazi bar, Pappa Fetterman’s got some punchin to do.’”

Dr. Emily Fonttane, who treated Fetterman until his previous far-right turn caused him to reject western medicine, provided further analysis. 

“I’ve been told I will be sued for calling them ‘strokes,’ but it would seem Mr. Fetterman’s latest, cranial-snafu, has damaged the parts of the brain that took over after his last fall and kicked the others back online. I wouldn’t get too used to it, it’s only a matter of time before another incident flips the whole thing again. The real danger would be John getting a firm bonk on the head, which could transform him back to his King Tutankhamen persona, in which he becomes a highly stylized museum jewel thief. 

At press time, minority leader Chuck Schumer condemned Fetterman’s left-wing turn as “dangerous,” claiming the turn ran the risk of “inspiring bravery in others.” 

This is a breaking story, and we will have more as it develops. 

Where Are They Now: The Two Towers Featured Prominently in the Music Video for Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin”?

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Whether you love it or hate it, you can’t deny that Limp Bizkit’s “Rollin’” was a huge success, but one glance at the New York City skyline will tell you that a pivotal part of the music video is no longer visible.

We all remember those iconic shots of the band playing on the roof of one of these towering skyscrapers, but it doesn’t take a seasoned gumshoe to observe that they’re no longer there. So where, exactly, did those buildings go?

The story actually goes back to shortly after the music video had been filmed. As it turns out, these buildings, which together were known as the World Trade Center, were destroyed in a coordinated attack by the jihadist organization Al-Qaeda in September of 2001.

Crazy!

Apparently, in the early morning of September 11th, 19 hijackers boarded 4 commercial airliners for the sole purpose of overtaking them and flying them into the aforementioned World Trade Center, as well as the Pentagon in Washington D.C., and an unknown target believed to be either the White House or U.S. Capitol building. The two planes destined for the Twin Towers hit the buildings with such speed that the impact, combined with the heat from the jet fuel, compromised their structural integrity, and they completely collapsed.

So, that’s where they went!

This may be an unbelievably tragic story, but if you’re anything like us, you’ve been racking your brains for the past couple of decades trying to figure out why you haven’t seen these buildings in any music videos, so it’s good to have that question answered, at least. Thankfully, the guys in Limp Bizkit were able to wrap up recording their music video well before these attacks took place. We can be grateful for that, because that probably would’ve been quite the disruption!

We wonder if Fred and the gang are aware of what happened to the setting of one of their most popular music videos, so if you happen to see them, can you break the news so we don’t have to? Trust us, we don’t want to be in the same room when these rockers find out they won’t be doing any more filming on top of those awesome buildings!

Grandpa’s “Walked Uphill Both Ways” Anecdote Not Landing With School Shooting Survivor

Posted on by Matt Husser

BOISE, Idaho — One grandpa’s harrowing tale of “walking to school uphill both ways” failed to land with his 15-year-old grandson that survived a school shooting, sources confirmed.

“Back in my day we had to walk to school uphill both ways in the snow, but nowadays they pamper kids too much. I mean what is this ‘active shooter drills’ and ‘bulletproof backpack’ nonsense—what happened to digging a good ol’ fashioned trench?” asked Murphy Boswick, leafing through his old high school yearbook. “I couldn’t believe it when I heard my grandson Hunter got to skip school for an entire semester after his teacher died in his school’s shooting. What kind of a message are we sending when we allow kids to laze about and ‘process trauma’? My gym teacher dropped dead from a heart attack when I was in school, but did we get the day off? No, we used his lifeless body as home plate and played another five innings.”

Despite the heart-wrenching tale of Boswick’s grueling two-mile trudge to school, his grandson remained unimpressed.

“The way my grandpa complains, you’d think he had to hike up Everest to get to first period. Oh poor baby, did it drizzle a little on your walk to school back in the day? I had to hold my breath in a supply closet for half an hour while my classmates were killed in a hail of gunfire,” said Hunter Boswick. “But I’m sure if they just got a little more pre-school cardio they would have survived. Oh, snow days weren’t a thing back in your day? Well guess what, we don’t get to have snow anymore because you guys fucked the planet up. Then he suggested that school shootings never happened back when kids used to have to learn to read and write in cursive.”

NRA spokesperson Ron McNeil claimed that the occasional school shooting provided an important life lesson for children.

“I know that parents want to protect their children from the world, but they’re really doing them a disservice if they shield them from all forms of early childhood gunfire. How are kids going to learn to cope with the amount of mass shootings they’ll endure as an adult in this country if they don’t learn to deal with it when they’re a kid?” said McNeil, rattling an unloaded revolver in front of his baby. “What would really help foster a healthy gun-friendly environment is to train a handful of students to patrol the halls as armed hall monitors. That way we can teach them early that the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a gifted student with a gun.”

At press time, Mr. Boswick suggested that the best way for his grandson to get an afterschool job was to put on a suit, march right up to the employer and offer a firm handshake to the AI recruitment chatbot.

London Awards Charli XCX Key Bump to the City

Posted on by Shane Pauker

LONDON — The City of London has awarded longtime resident Charli XCX the Key Bump to the City, sources confirmed.

“I’m proud to bestow this honor upon Ms. XCX,” said London mayor Sadiq Khan at the award ceremony. “Few Londoners in recent memory have done as much as Charli has to get the people dancing, support mom-and-pop drug operations, or popularize the color green. We thrive in thinking of London as one of the world’s premier party cities, behind only Berlin, Miami, and several dozen others. ‘Brat’ has kept that reputation alive, with its fresh hyperpop sound and existential dread about aging. In light of your accomplishment, I grant you, Charli XCX, this nose candy as a token of our appreciation.”

Charli XCX took her prize in stride.

“I didn’t know the city had a giant key, a novelty gallon-sized dime bag, and a modest amount of coke,” said Charli XCX upon receiving the award. “Even knowing it exists, I can’t believe they gave it to me for free! I’ve always wanted my music to mean something and score me some complimentary blow in the process, so I’m excited to use my newfound power for good. I just want the youth to know that, no matter how hard your life seems right now, no matter how lonely you might feel, you can always do a little bump.”

Charli XCX is the most recent artist in a long line to receive the Key Bump to the City.

“London has a storied history of rewarding drug use, but the Key Bump honors those venerable titans who have hoovered enough booger sugar to laugh in the face of Jesus himself,” explained historian and cocanologist Professor Robert Klisch. “Charli follows in the footsteps of David Bowie, Eric Clapton, and Sir Elton John, each of whom left a wake of destruction behind their Key Bumps to the City. In fact, Bowie used the key to come into London in the middle of the night so many times that they had to change the locks to the city while he was away. I can’t wait to see what Charli XCX does with her success.”

At press time, Charli XCX was seen paying £1 to enter the Loo of the City with her key.

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