Fans Horrified to Learn The Killers Tricked Them Into Enjoying Mormon Rock

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

LAS VEGAS — Self-proclaimed Killers fan Tyler Blakeslee was horrified to discover allusions to frontman Brandon Flowers’ Mormon faith hidden within the band’s biggest hits, equally stunned sources confirmed.

“I was just looking up the lyrics for ‘All These Things I’ve Done’ when I saw an annotation about Mormon themes behind the song, which was funny since I thought those guys were too cool to associate with those doorknocking dorks,” Blakeslee said. “But now that I know Brandon Flowers is one of them, I just can’t look at him the same way. He’s so flamboyant and handsome that I never thought anything of the religious references when I first got into The Killers. Oh God, does this mean I like Mormon music? I feel like I might need to sit down.”

Frontman Brandon Flowers denied accusations that The Killers deceived fans about their lyrical content.

“As a lifelong member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, my faith often influences my songwriting. That doesn’t mean my band is Mormon rock,” said Flowers while ironing his temple garments. “We make glamorous indie rock and roll that just happens to honor God. When people make assumptions about The Killers having a religious agenda, they ignore our real agenda of influencing impressionable young kids to learn ‘For Reasons Unknown’ on drums. If I wasn’t so busy with touring, I would go door to door with sheet music and proselytize about the joys of percussion myself.”

Dr. Lucille Elliott, a professor of Religious Studies at the University of Nevada, Reno, observed The Killers are neither the first nor last band to surprise its fans with ties to organized religion.

“Even the brightest theological scholars fall to their knees upon noticing subtle religious themes in songs they thought to be secular. I’ve seen this phenomenon unfold with everyone from U2 to early Underoath, but The Killers’ fans are especially vulnerable,” said Dr. Elliott. “They’re too busy lusting after Brandon Flowers to realize how often he sings about his faith. It’s one thing for them to realize their favorite band is Christian, but Mormon themes are another level of shocking.”

At press time, Blakeslee was found curled into the fetal position after Googling his second favorite band, Flyleaf.

Cop Plants Pot Brownie at Rival Bake Sale

Posted on by Ben Friedman

ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local police officer Brad Chapman allegedly planted a pot brownie at an elementary school’s bake sale, which was competing against his station’s own fundraiser, multiple sources confirmed.

“Listen, we’re just trying to raise enough money to buy history books that don’t refer to the Clinton administration as ‘current,’” said fourth grade teacher Krista Kidman. “The guy from across the street was giving us the stink eye for a while, but I wrote it off. Suddenly, twenty cops pulled up on us with guns drawn and started flipping tables. Then one of them shoves a brownie in my face that he conveniently found on the ground like he caught us red handed, despite the fact that we’re selling exclusively cookies. Why the hell would I buy drugs to put in confections when 60% of my paycheck goes towards buying classroom supplies? And if I did, I’d sure as hell be charging more than $2 a pop.”

Police insisted their use of force was justified after receiving an anonymous tip.

“I’m not saying I’m the one who called in the tip, but whoever did probably also thought it doesn’t make sense that a bunch of entitled indoctrinators peddling critical race theory would outsell our brave police men and women. Sure, these are store bought brownies we’re selling, but armor doesn’t grow on trees, dammit,” said Officer Chapman. “Sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to break into an evidence locker, borrow some contraband you stole from a college student, and toss it under the table of the people giving you trouble. Allegedly.”

Vendors and attendees of the market were not surprised by law enforcement’s response, as it’s become a yearly tradition.

“Every year we have to deal with these fucking pigs and their jealousy-induced meltdowns,” said event organizer Alice Temple. “Two years ago we had nurses raising money for new PPE equipment, and they were hauled off after someone said they found ‘needles of fentanyl’ in their cupcakes. But last year they threw subtlety out the window, ran down the BLM table, and arrested everyone in sight, claiming we were all Antifa terrorists. I don’t even know why they bother showing up, being that this is a non-profit community fundraiser and they have unfettered funding for whatever dumb bullshit they want.”

As of press time, Officer Chapman was immediately placed on administrative leave after teachers planted a Biden/Harris sticker on his patrol car.

You’re an OFF! Fan? Name 3 People That Could Give Keith Morris a Ride to the Airport

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

Hey, that’s a sweet OFF! hoodie you got there! You seem like you’re a big fan. I’m the band’s manager and if you’re such a big fan why don’t you give me the names and phone numbers of three people that could give Keith Morris a ride to the airport tomorrow morning?

Why do I need three? Because I’m a professional, that’s why. And as a professional, I always have a backup plan, which is why I’m going to need their home addresses as well. Obviously, I would drive him if I could. But suffice to say that I can not, should not, and will not get behind the wheel.

I can’t offer any gas money at this time. I can, however, tell you that Keith Morris will answer all of the driver’s questions about OFF! as long as they don’t bring up Black Flag under any circumstances. Nor Henry Rollins. I’ll talk to Keith to see if he’ll answer a Circle Jerks question, but don’t hold your breath.

There’s another thing. Keith gets freaked out by purple cars so if they have a purple car just forget it. Oh and he’s going to want to sit in the back on the passenger side, so make sure it’s cleaned off. He’s not a big fan of freeways either. I think it has something to do with how they only exist for the convenience of yuppy suburban homeowners with minivans when they drive their two-and-a-half kids to soccer practice. I don’t know.

Just pass me the list when you have it. I’ll read it over to make sure everything is in order. Once it is, I’ll give you the address where Keith is staying, along with the addresses of Dimitri Coats, Autry Fulbright, and Justin Brown, who are all staying at separate locations and will also need rides.

Punk Venue Bartender Covered in Stickers

Posted on by Wilson Conkwright

NASHVILLE — Local bartender Otis Fuller is now just as covered in stickers as the grimey surfaces of the disgusting venue where he works, sources hoping they don’t have to scrape the decals off their coworker confirmed.

“It started as a joke. Every inch of the bar was already covered in stickers, people were always complaining about not having a space for their band logos to shine. So I popped one on my vest and said ‘there’s your prime real estate.’ But then it kind of got away from me,” mumbled Fuller behind a mask of terrible band stickers. “People started slapping shit all over me. My face, my ass, even under my clothes. Part of my morning routine now is ripping off stickers glued to my chest hair, my back hair, and my taint. I’m gonna have alopecia by the time this trend burns out.”

Bands in the scene reportedly have no intention of stopping their borderline harassment of Fudge, even going so far as to call it a competition.

“Once I saw other local bands with their logos on Otis, I had to get mine on him two times as much. That boy’s a main street billboard, for free,” said frontman Giorgio Prawn, stalking Otis’ bar seating. “When he started getting famous for being the bartender covered in stickers, I saw that as a great marketing opportunity for my band, Lunch Dunce. So I sit here waiting, and whenever some doof slaps a sticker on him, I cover it up with my own when his back is turned. Otis hates it, and says he can’t breathe through all the face coverings, but whatever. That dude lives with his mom.”

Despite Fuller’s complaints, bar owner Huck Bomer is happy to have something new to capitalize on at his establishment.

“I don’t care when people put their band’s stickers on my walls or tables. If anything, it keeps me from having to re-paint. But when I see stickers on Otis, I don’t see a chore, I see money,” Bomer smirked behind his crusty mustache. “I’m about to start charging money like race cars sell decal space. Otis hates being covered in stickers, but I don’t care, he’s a two-time felon, who needs a job. And now, he’s moved up from the service industry to advertising.”

At press time, Fuller reluctantly offered to get tattoos of any band’s logo in trade for beer money and a good lawyer.

Black Metal Band’s Publicity Photos Clearly Taken at Christmas Tree Farm

Posted on by Rob Ryder

HARRISBURG, Pa. — Fans of black metal stalwarts Bloodfrost became disenchanted with the supposedly Satanic quartet when it was recently discovered the band’s latest publicity photos were taken at a nearby Christmas tree farm, confirmed corpse painted sources.

“I’m not gonna lie, the photos seemed pretty badass at first glance, the blood red snow, the weapons, it was sick,” said fan Tina Bronson. “Then you look closer…the rack of wreaths, the warm cider stand, the family of five running a tree through the bailer. It’s all a little much. Even the panoramic they used for their Facebook cover photo, the light and shadows were perfect…but right behind the band is a parking lot full of minivans. I might have been able to forgive them if this was one of those Christmas tree lots that only hires ex-cons, but no.”

Guitarist Tom Gundfeld admitted that the photo shoot was more a practical decision rather than a design choice.

“We originally planned a tour of Northern Europe culminating with a photo session in Hammerfest, Norway. Then the record company decided that we could probably just tour Central Pennsylvania and get a decent photo for almost nothing,” Gundfeld said. “We figured we could hike deep into the woods and get that isolated feel, but hiking in snow really sucks and we didn’t want our gauntlets to get wet and up rusting. We were barely 100 feet into the forest before we were all freezing our asses off. We were about to just give up, but on the way to the motel we saw the tree farm. We figured with the right angle we could get the feel of a remote forest, but I the old lady we asked to take the photos didn’t understand the aesthetic we were going for..”

Staff at the Glad Tidings Tree Farm commented that band photo shoots are a somewhat frequent occurence.

“We see it a few times a week. You can spot them a mile away,” said staff member Eileen Wilson. “They pretend to be picking out a tree, a bunch of guys with long hair all dressed in black, and they mime discussing what kind of tree they want. After they get the photos they usually come up with an excuse for not buying anything, warm up at the fire barrel, maybe get some hot cider and move along. We used to kick them out, but sometimes they do follow through. I sold the guys from Gorgoroth a nice 10 foot blue spruce a few years ago. God only knows what they did with it, but hey, a sale is a sale, right?”

Bloodfrost has stated their next album will focus on ancient Chinese mysticism following a tour of Shaanxi Province, China, or maybe just dinner at a PF Changs in Akron.

Why I Don’t Support Animal Cosmetic Testing Unless They Look Goth as Hell

Posted on by Josephine Ramos

Every year, thousands of animals are forced into cosmetic testing. Most of them endure sickness and poor living conditions just to look mid. Here’s why I don’t support testing cosmetics on animals unless it makes them look goth as hell.

So who is the most impacted by the death machine that is the cosmetic industry? Animals such as rabbits, guinea pigs, and hamsters. These animals may be useless, but they still feel pain just like us. Being poked and prodded all day by chemists can take a toll, but never mind the needles and probes. The real cruelty here is not allowing these animals to properly cope with this pain by expressing themselves in a way that’s goth as fuck.

Even animals are not immune to existential dread. Shouldn’t they at least look cool in the process?

I don’t know about those guys, but I’d rather sit my bare ass on every one of those Maybelline chemist’s needles before looking like a basic bitch. Being a goth baddie is not a want, but a need for helping those suffering from corporate cruelty.

As an animal lover, goth, and empath, I think we should grant that same courtesy to these animals. In general, animal testing is cruel, but what isn’t? We’re pretty much in too deep at this point, so the least we can do is give these guys a smokey eye with some graphic liner and call it a day. It’s the least we could do, especially considering their horrific living conditions that we plan on doing nothing about.

Hot Topic Braces for Wave of Confused Relatives Buying Gifts for Teens

Posted on by Audrey Vieira

FRISCO, Texas — Hot Topic manager Julia Hargrave reportedly urged employees to prepare for an influx of older relatives with limited pop culture knowledge to patronize the store this holiday season, underpaid goth sources confirmed.

“Usually our only customers over 20 are the Funko Pop collectors, but holiday shopping always brings in record numbers of parents, grandparents, and generally uncultured people who don’t understand the angsty teens in their lives,” Hargrave said during her lunch break at Sbarro. “I’m scheduling extra training sessions so that everyone remembers to be kind to the elderly Gen Xers and boomers in the store. Still, I have to go take deep breaths in the back room when these people complain about the music or mix up band names. No wonder their kids hate them so much.”

Local mother Carrie Scrivener had her own ideas about how Hot Topic could improve its holiday shopping experience.

“I wouldn’t need some 17-year-old cashier to help me identify band logos if this place had better lighting. Between my daughter’s love for annoying music and my son’s obsession with anime tees, I’m definitely spending enough on Christmas here for this place to afford their electric bill,” said Scrivner while knocking over a cardboard cutout of Jack Skellington. “It would also be easier to ask these punks about the return policy if the music wasn’t so horribly loud. I know I’m old and out of touch but surely we can find common ground over The Cure or another band where I can actually understand the words they are saying.”

Mall commerce expert Frank Paternoster noted this annual increase of well-meaning parents struggling with their shopping has never been exclusive to Hot Topic or edgy teens in general.

“Even if their kids don’t belong to a weird subculture, the holiday season is always stressful for older customers who just want to buy the right gifts. Moms can complain about Hot Topic’s atmosphere all they want but at least that place has an excuse to be dark, gloomy, and difficult to navigate,” said Paternoster while organizing his Auntie Anne’s coupons. “Hollister is 10 times more haunted and their workers aren’t even goth. Malls are simply designed to make shopping as difficult as possible so parents will spend more on Auntie Anne’s once their stress turns into hunger. That’s where they really profit from this.”

At press time, Scrivener proudly made her way to the register upon finding My Chemical Romance merchandise without violent imagery, blissfully unaware that it was actually a My Morning Jacket shirt.

Review: Touché Amoré “…To the Beat of a Dead Horse”

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Each week The Hard Times travels back to review an album from the past in order to satisfy our need to judge others’ creative works. This week we’re heading back to 2009 to review Touché Amoré’s debut studio record “…To the Beat of a Dead Horse.”

This album is such a vibe. It combines elements of post-hardcore, screamo, and that feeling you get right after you high-five your best friend. Not to mention nearly every song clocks in under two minutes. That’s such a sight for sore ears.

It reminds me of my brief stint with the band LCD Soundsystem back in the 2000s where just about every single one of our songs was well over six minutes long. That’s straight-up perverse. No track should ever last longer than sex. That’s clearly something Touché knows well.

Anyway, during LCD band practices I would always suggest that maybe we try writing a song that’s a more audience- and radio-friendly length. You know, like three minutes tops. That seemed to rub them the wrong way. I think the singer’s exact words were, “dude, you’re just the merch guy’s cousin.”

Like, so? I wrote the sign that shows all the prices of our merch all by myself. I think I’m more than qualified to write a song too. How hard could it be?

I don’t think they took kindly to my suggestion because they then went out and wrote “Dance Yrself Clean” out of spite. That song is nearly nine minutes long and clearly, a diss track to their trusted merchandise ambassador’s third favorite relative.

After I found out about the song length, I recommended that the group just divide it into three separate tracks to get more bang for their buck on the record. I think the synth player’s exact words were, “how the hell did you get in here? We have multiple restraining orders against you.”

The nerve, right? Just because they see me as a “threat to their personal well-being” doesn’t mean my input isn’t valid.

I just love that Touché Amoré made an album I always wanted LCD Soundsystem to make. Hope you’re reading this, James Murphy.

Score: 10 out of 10 two-minute songs

/**/

Remaining Twitter Employees Form Ska Band

Posted on by Rose Eden

SAN FRANCISCO — The few remaining employees at Twitter who survived Elon Musk’s blitzkrieg staff cuts last month are now joining forces to start a ska band, confirmed annoyed sources from within the building.

“Our horn section got fired in the second round of layoffs, so right off the bat there were issues. We kept managing to find replacements because it turns out there is a lot of crossover with programmers and band kids,” said Evan Harris in Marketing. “We’ve been using an abandoned open workspace on the fourth floor as our practice area. Sometimes the boss comes in and asks what the hell we’re doing, but he’s easily distracted. Last week I told him the radical left was planning another attack on our advertising model and he ran back to his office and didn’t come out for 16 hours.”

Other building staff personnel report that despite once feeling safe from the axe of layoffs, they now have a whole other issue to fear: being drafted into the band.

“I wish I would have never mentioned to Jake in HR that I moonlight playing keyboards in a wedding band,” said custodial worker Mike Pearce. “Now every time I do my rounds I have to dodge those guys hounding me about playing keys for them. I don’t own a Hawaiian shirt, much less would I go out and buy one and wear it to play with these jerk-offs. I’m just trying to keep it clean while everything else around me burns to the ground.”

Mental health professionals that deal with high-stress work environments say that what is happening at Twitter is very common.

“Highly traumatized and stressed out employees are going to act out. Clanning together around a common interest is absolutely a coping mechanism, and if they’re resorting to playing ska music then they’ve clearly gotten pretty desperate,” said psychologist Regina Stillwell, who specializes in working with high earners in tech. “There’s a well-known story we tell in corporate mental health professional circles about the final days of MySpace. Some of the remaining employees snapped under pressure, went feral into Franklin Canyon Park for weeks, and that’s actually how Mumford and Sons were formed.”

The group, who goes under the name Blue Checkerboard, has already learned Grimes’ entire catalog which they’ve fully adapted into ska covers just for Elon Musk, who routinely shouts requests at them from the landing outside his office.

I’m the Mother Who Wouldn’t Give Mike a Pepsi and You Should Know There Are Two Sides to Every Story

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

I have always done the proper, motherly thing and put my child’s needs before my own. Yet I have been painted as a villain by generations of crossover thrash fans. My name is Martha and, yes, I would not give my son Mike a Pepsi. But you should know there are two sides to every story.

First off, Pepsi makes Mike gassy. A growing boy like Mike needs healthy beverages like calcium-rich whole milk, freshly squeezed orange juice, or the occasional cup of hot cocoa (but just as a treat!). If Mike drinks Pepsi, he can’t concentrate because of all the caffeine and sugar. I get really frustrated when people don’t understand that. Even when I try to tell them about it and I try and I try and it just doesn’t work out.

Also, why could Mike not get his own Pepsi? There I was, concerned for my son who was definitely on drugs, and he was demanding that I fetch him a drink. What does he think I do all day? I have a full schedule! I have to clean the house, ask if my son is on drugs, go to the market for more calcium-rich whole milk, ask my son again if he’s on drugs, tend to my begonias, and wildly shriek that my son is on drugs and that normal people don’t behave that way.

Also, this is a Coca-Cola house. In the Muir household, we believe in that sweet Georgia nectar and long for the days when you could get a nice little buzz from Ty Cobb’s best investment ever. Frankly, just for suggesting Pepsi, Mike should have been put somewhere where he could get the help he needs.