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Inconsiderate Band Starts Show on Time

NEW YORK — Attendees of a recent show by garage punk band, The Dooley’s, were reportedly infuriated that the ‘selfish pricks’ had the audacity to start the show at the scheduled time, confirmed multiple sources who wouldn’t have stopped to get food if they had known.

“At first I thought they were doing a soundcheck, but then I realized they were playing stuff off the first album,” said outraged fan Matt Taylor. “The ticket said the show was at 8 p.m., so I figured as long as I got there by 9:30 I could still get a good spot. I mean, hell I was still one of the first people to arrive and they were already halfway through their set. They had just started their encore by the time most people were rolling in. I paid good money for this show and they should have the decency to not start until at least an hour after the stated time.”

“It’s just flat-out rude,” Taylor Added.

Representatives for the band questioned the accusations and countered that they had done nothing wrong.

“We’re sorry that some people had a misunderstanding as to when the show was slated to begin, but the time was clearly stated,” said the band’s bass player and de facto manager Eli Boyle. “Given that this was a Tuesday night show and that our audience skews older, the band is making every effort to start on or as close to on time as possible so fans can get home to their kids and get a good night’s sleep since people have to work in the morning! At this time we have no intention of issuing any refunds and would ask that people please stop trying to make #cancelthedooleys trend.”

Music critics said the issue was a ‘gray area’ and noted that both sides raised valid complaints.

“Historically, punk bands haven’t been known for punctuality, so you can sympathize with the fans,” stated Rolling Stone’s Jake McKay. “Typically, when you arrive on time, you spend at least an hour listening to the same audio tracks on a loop while crushed against a bunch of meatheads who are ready to get crazy, and who wants that? I will admit I was supposed to review the last show The Dooley’s played but I pre-gamed at my apartment and showed up just in time for them to be loading their gear off the stage.”

At press time, attendees of the show were seen arguing with the staff of a neighboring burger place for closing their kitchen on time and trying to be home at a reasonable hour.

Photo by Kevin Gill