How To Intervene When Your Bassist Thinks They Might Need More Than Four Strings

Posted on by Dustin Newman

You may think it won’t happen to you, but no band is safe. At any moment your bassist could receive a Musician’s Friend catalog in the mail or a promotional email from Sweetwater and the next thing you know they get a dangerous idea in their head. That idea being that they could, and possibly even should try playing the bass guitar with more than four strings.

So let’s say this happens to you and your band, here are some ways you can do everyone a favor and stop these unhealthy inclinations before things get out of hand:

Remind them what happened when they tried slap bass
Every bassist has had the idea that maybe they’re the one other bassist besides Flea that can make this work. We have to remind them of these past mistakes to ensure they don’t get their hopes up about going outside their lane in the future.

Tell them statistics show experimenting with five-string basses can lead to wanting a six-string bass or worse
A five-string bass is a gateway drug. Once the high of a five-string bass wears off, they’ll look for an even bigger score. This effect isn’t limited to adding strings, soon an oversized fretless upright bass will become irresistible. It’ll look even more ridiculous and you do not want to be stuck helping carry that thing to the gig.

Appeal to aesthetics
Is there some rule that says these things have to be this ugly? Why does every five-string bass guitar look like it was ergonomically designed for an alien species? Not only that, the color schemes look like they were inspired by a gas station beverage section.

Fall back on genre norms
Now this will depend on what genre of music your band plays. If you play punk or shoegaze or something along those lines, you obviously can’t roll up on stage and have a guy with a five-string bass. Hell having less than four strings would be ideal. If you play nu-metal or prog then you’re likely beyond saving and probably didn’t see what the problem was, to begin with.

Man Sneaks Thermos of Sleepytime Tea Into Grouper Show

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

RICHMOND, Va. — Local indie pop fan Damon Thomson successfully snuck a contraband thermos of Celestial Seasonings’ Sleepytime Tea past venue security to enjoy during a Grouper show, increasingly drowsy sources confirmed.

“Check this shit out. 32 ounces of chamomile, tilia flowers, lemongrass. Pure, uncut. Everything you need to take you sky high to dream land,” said Thomson while unfurling his nightgown and putting on his nightcap. “I thought I was made when the door guy spotted the goose down pillow stuffed in my pants, but I convinced him I had elephantiasis and he let it slide. See, the droning ambient pop of Grouper is the only cure for my insomnia, so I’ve been following her on tour for years. And apparently I’m not the only one, because I’ve been supporting myself by selling fellow concertgoers shots of the ‘cozy teddy bear juice.’”

Venue owner Ava Martinez was shocked upon seeing the majority of patrons at the show had been lulled into a gentle slumber.

“Everyone in the club was passed out on the floor, and I panicked thinking I waited too long to take care of that gas leak. Luckily someone started stirring before pulling out a sleep mask,” said Martinez. “I wasn’t sure how the band would react to dozens of tattooed and beanie-adorned young adults taking a group nap on a beer-soaked venue floor in the middle of their show. But then for the encore Liz Harris just went around and gave all her fans gentle little forehead kisses before tiptoeing out of the place.”

Citing a financial opportunity, Grouper’s manager Ewan Harrison chose to capitalize on the group’s lethargic sound.

“Guns N’ Roses, Morrissey, Weezer. There’s no shortage of bands with live shows that will put you to sleep. But Grouper is the only one intentionally helping their fans catch some zzzs,” said Harrison. “This is why we are proud to announce the band’s upcoming tour, exclusively at Mattress Firm locations throughout the Northeast corridor. Our VIP package will include your very own Sealy Posturepedic mattress and two green tea drink tickets to enjoy during the show.”

More recently, a double bill of Grouper and Cat Power caused a medical emergency after dozens of concert attendees were lulled into weeks-long comas.

Total Showoff Doing Dry January Without Court Ordered Supervision

Posted on by Tim Sheard

SEATTLE — Ostentatious little showboat David Farrow is spending all of January completely abstinent from alcohol without the looming threat of incarceration, vexed sources confirmed.

“I’m doing a cleanse, so no booze this month,” said software engineer Farrow. “We were overdoing it during Christmas break. I know going through a fifth of Johnnie Walker before lunch is a really unhealthy way to cope, but you try spending a week with my brother-in-law. He’s into wine and is a Tool fan, so he never shuts the fuck up about how geometric abstraction influenced Maynard’s approach to winemaking. Listening to that bullshit for hours has made me never want to drink again, so I guess that’s made Dry January easier. I actually like how sobriety feels, so I might stick with it. If I can go all year, I might barely be able to afford Blink-182 tickets.”

Other Dry January participants were less enthusiastic about Farrow’s approach.

“I’m not drinking this month, but only because I got put on Antabuse after my latest DUI,” reported machinist Rob Hendricks. “There’s a trick to drinking over that stuff, but I still haven’t figured out how to hack this dumb alcohol monitoring bracelet. Besides, the high-handed authoritarian judge in charge of my case said he’ll revoke my bail if I get caught in a bar again. And he had the audacity to lecture me about going to treatment, but he wouldn’t even listen when I tried explaining that a case of beer is like a hundred times cheaper than my insurance deductible for shit like that.”

Anheuser-Busch consultant Beth Wainwright shared her views as an alcohol industry insider.

“This month is so long,” complained a buzzed Wainwright. “We’d prefer Dry February, or better yet, just Dry February first. We typically roll out aggressive marketing in January to remind everyone partaking in this silly fad what they get to drink next month, or even next week if the ads work as intended. The growth of Dry January proves that anyone can stop drinking on their own whenever they want, and that is one thing we cannot tolerate. If gun manufacturers aren’t being held responsible for kids getting shot in classrooms, legally speaking, we have nothing to do with people drinking themselves to death and running over pedestrians.”

At press time, Farrow was considering working mindfulness and meditation into his increasingly insufferable and probably healthier lifestyle.

How I Got To Open for a Wildly Successful Band by Producing the Show and Paying Them To Play

Posted on by Jay Wells L'Ecuyer

Well, my dream came true last night! After over a decade of shitty shows in shitty clubs, my band finally opened for our idols, “Ms. Chanandler Bong.” They’re the band that inspired us to play music in the first place. Plus, they draw a ton of people and will give our band some serious credibility. We’re so proud of earning this opportunity. Sure, I produced the show myself and paid them five grand to play. But it still counts!

My dad didn’t get how big of an opportunity for us when I was asking him to borrow the money, but five grand is nothing to my family so one mowed lawn and a couple loads of laundry later, my band had finally booked the show of our lives.

Sometimes you just gotta take the world by the balls and make your dreams a reality. Your band can’t get booked? Make your own show! Your band can’t draw? Pay a bigger band to do that for you! It’s incredible what you can accomplish with just a little bit of gumption and an unlimited bank account.

Last night I soaked up the fact that the whole scene saw my band sharing a stage with an actual successful band. Plus, none of them know the behind-the-scenes details. For all they know, Ms. Chanandler Bong dipped off their tour to play with us because we’re old pals or they’re fans of ours or some shit.

I was a little disappointed they left the second their set was over. I thought stocking the shit out of their green room would convince them to stay, but they just took it all to their tour bus and drove off. Maybe they’ll want us on their next tour. I’ll follow up next week.

Either way, If I can somehow make these local shows profitable, I’ll come up with a business proposal to show father. Then I can pay to open for all kinds of bands!

Review: Melvins “Gluey Porch Treatments”

Posted on by James Knapp

Each week The Hard Times looks back on a classic album from punk history. This week we listened to “Gluey Porch Treatments,” the only Melvins album ever.

Yeah we know it’s crazy, but we looked into it, and apparently, this is the only album the band ever released. It seems really strange that such a talented band with a career spanning thirty long years would choose to only put out one record but, well, there it is: “Gluey Porch Treatments.”

In a way we kind of understand it, as we are aware that the band almost never gets together to write new material or even practice their old stuff – their only old stuff. And additionally, they have a firm stance never to collaborate or record outside the band, so that really limits their ability as far as having split records or even being featured artists on a song or two.

And jeesh, they almost never go on tour. Really what’s the point with only one album’s worth of material and absolutely no plan or inclination to write or record more music for decades? It just makes sense for that the Melvins have garnered a reputation as one of the slowest and least consistent touring acts in the history of live music.

But still, in interview after interview that we poured over doing research for this review we cannot find a single reference to any other album they ever even thought about making. Like, not once. Which in a way makes “Gluey Porch Treatments” a one-of-a-kind piece of punk history.

The fact that there will never be a second Melvins record is a sad one, but at least we can all take solace in the notion that the band put out one great record and then ended things on a high note. It’s a nice thought, isn’t it.

SCORE: 1 out of 1 album – because that’s all ya need sometimes.

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OK Go Needs to Borrow Local Opener’s Rube Goldberg Machine

Posted on by Jon Wood

WENDOVER, Nev. — Power pop band OK Go demanded that the opening band of their regional tour lend them a gigantic Rube Goldberg machine for their set, according to sources who described the chain of events in whimsical, overly-complicated detail.

“I don’t see what all the fuss is about,” said OK Go frontman Damian Kulash. “Sometimes headliners need to borrow equipment from local bands, often with very precise specifications. In this case, we’re just looking for any homemade contraption that can wrap around the inside of the venue and produce a simple chain reaction incorporating a sledgehammer, 25,000 dominoes, a 1/64th scale replica of the Colosseum made entirely of red legos, and a pack of eight labrador retrievers pedaling a tandem bicycle while howling the chorus to one of our songs. Whichever is easiest, we’re not that picky.”

Local high school band Nerds with Friends is booked as the opening act and spent the weekend frantically preparing for the show.

“This is definitely the most work we’ve put into a gig, but luckily for us, I took a remedial physics class over the summer and already know how to drop an egg off a two-story building without cracking it,” said drummer Michael Kearns. “So far we’ve got the hammer doohickey part of it working and probably just need another day or two to figure out the rest. I just wish OK Go could be like the other big bands who come through town and trash our gear or hit on our teenage girlfriends.”

Elko County concert promoter Jed Beaver was not amused after receiving OK Go’s contract rider.

“I’ll admit I’m not familiar with the band, but I have to assume their fans are coming out to hear their music, not to see some novelty act put on a goofy, choreographed spectacle that you might see on early 2000s YouTube,” said Beaver. “What the hell is a Whoopi Goldberg machine anyway? I guess it could be worse — at least they didn’t ask for a $400,000 dancing hologram.”

At press time, sources report that OK Go canceled their Wendover tour stop after receiving an invitation from the town of Cawker City, Kansas, to perform inside the world’s largest ball of twine.

Help! I Took a Sip of Black Rifle Coffee and Now I Think Some People Shouldn’t Have Basic Human Rights

Posted on by Zach Hudson

As a progressive leftist, I want to start by apologizing. I am so, so sorry. Ever since accidentally taking a sip of Black Rifle Coffee’s “Thin Blue Line” roast, I no longer believe certain groups of people should have basic human rights. Help!

I don’t want to be this way but ever since sipping this stuff at my uncle’s house I can’t help but feel certain groups are a threat to me, personally.

You’re probably just as shocked as me. I used to be an outspoken leftist, after all. But my cautious optimism that we were creating a more equitable world has been vanquished by an all-encompassing sense of dread due to the fact that people who don’t look like me want basic rights. All I wanted was a morning pick me up and now the world is changing and I’m scared.

There’s a silver lining though. At least I didn’t accidentally drink the “AK-47 Espresso” or “Murdered Out” roasts. If that were the case, I’d probably be in Russia right now strapped to a surplus tank. And I don’t even want to imagine what the “Chauvin’s Select” blend would have done to me.

Man, this is some strong stuff. Sure, it’s weak in terms of caffeine content and it tastes like shit, but the more I drink it, the stronger I think I am.

I haven’t been to my apartment in weeks because it’s in the city and I’m afraid of cities now. I don’t know how I got here, but I’ve been living in a McMansion in the suburbs and I’m married to a hairstylist named Kendra. We don’t have anything in common other than wanting to have kids, so we spend our time together scrolling Facebook and watching Yellowstone.

Cute: This Session Musician Is Acting Like He’s in the Fucking Band

Posted on by Tyler Roland

Following his recording of three drum tracks for local pop-punk group Exploding Eye Sockets, drummer and session musician Jim Friedman was reportedly acting all cute, like he was in the goddamn band or some shit. The following are excerpts from our in-depth conversation with those involved.

Guitarist Rick Pinkerton: We only needed him to punch in one or two fills. After the session, we thought he would leave.

Singer, Nikky Bernhardt: I said from the very beginning we should use a drum machine. Or just do really bad beatboxing and claim it’s ironic. Unless The Needle Drop misunderstands and calls it groundbreaking, in which case we did it on purpose and we’re musical pioneers. But instead, they didn’t go with my idea and now we’re dealing with this stick-head.

Jim Friedman: The way I see it, I’ve done as much live playing on this record as anyone else in the band. I’ll even get one of those dumb haircuts and some weird shoes so I look the part in promo pics. They’re gonna be hitting me up for their next five gigs, anyway. Just let me tag along!

David Schneider, Band Researcher at University of California, Berkeley: Friedman’s behavior is becoming more common lately. Session players feel threatened by music technology that is making them obsolete. It’s perfectly normal for them to grasp onto any band that hires them, refusing to let go until being allowed to write some liner notes.

Recent reports confirm that Friedman snuck his signature onto a few Exploding Eye Sockets vinyl sleeves before being forcefully escorted out of their practice space.

Late Touring Band Texts Booker “OMW” While Still 600 Miles From Venue

Posted on by James Knapp

SPARKS, Nev. — Post-grunge band Stunch Bunch recently informed the booker for one of their West coast tour dates that they were “on the way” despite having the span of nearly two states between them and the venue, sources who clarified that they “aren’t technically lying” confirmed.

“I know this probably seems like something that could have been avoided. We’re usually so punctual for our shows every once in a while, it just so happens that we wait around an extra three hours at the venue for them to start,” explained Stunch Bunch guitarist Bredan Waye. “I swear this isn’t our fault. Shit just happens on tour, you know. Like sometimes your van breaks down or you make a 300-mile detour to see the World’s Largest Fork roadside attraction. But at least we gave the booker a heads up, even though we’ve still got the better part of Utah to drive through.”

Venue owner Tarry Carmichael was less hopeful of the band making it to the venue until sometime the next afternoon.

“I can’t believe those fuckers left me hanging like this. To believe I was actually considering paying them for this show,” stated Carmichael while pacing and muttering to himself outside the green room. “The bartender has been bugging me to do an acoustic set of Goo Goo Dolls covers for months, and if the band doesn’t get here soon I have no choice but to put him on. Unfortunately, he showed up for his job on time.”

Renee Clemens, server at the Waffle House in Boulder, Colorado, detailed how the band came to be so far behind schedule.

“Man, I fucking hate touring bands. Those assholes spent four hours taking up two booths and drinking nothing but free coffee refills without leaving a tip,” said Clemens. “And then of course they had the nerve to bitch that I was making them late when they asked for their check finally. Still can’t believe they asked me to split $8.25 four ways. Fuck, I’m just glad I was able to spit in all their drinks before they left.”

At press time, Stunch Bunch had just made it onto the interstate before realizing they still needed to stop for gas.

Punk House Ghost Not Moving Anymore Shit Until They Clean This Place Up

Posted on by Ryan Danley

BOSTON — Local ghost Beatrice Ledbetter vowed to abstain from haunting until the punk tenets living in her ancestral home deal with even the most basic of household chores, fed-up sources report.

“I’ve loved every minute of haunting this house for over a century. I’ve flicked lights on and off, stomped on the stairs, and moved furniture in the middle of the night to the horror of many residents. But since these assholes showed up, I’m done. Expecting me to step over a pile of old skateboards magazines and bags of empty beer cans to cause a few scares is beyond my ghastly payscale,” said Ledbetter. “This place is so dusty and gross that I long for the days when I was dying of consumption. I’m not even entirely sure what would scare them. I would make the walls bleed, but all the grime would make it barely noticeable.”

House resident and only person on the lease, Mark ‘Bones” Samuelson, is oblivious to the unusual events occurring inside his home.

“When the band and myself moved in, this place was super spooky. We would hear voices, things would go missing, and we always felt like we were being watched. It was sick. But then after my 17th friend moved in, it all just seemed to stop,” said Samuelson while sitting on a pile of dirty black band t-shirts. “Our drummer is dating this goth, so she brought over a Ouija board, and all that we were able to read was the words ‘broom’ and ‘start a fucking chore wheel.’ I’m not even sure what that means.”

Dr. Marie Bustamante, Professor of Supernatural Studies at Boston College, warns the modern world is becoming less hospitable to metaphysical beings.

“We can expect to see many changes with spectral interaction. In the past, a seance would be conducted by a qualified medium. Now every time a spirit is called it’s just a room full of Hot Topic coworkers. No person living or dead wants to deal with that,” said Dr. Bustamante. “Overall this may be a good thing. Perhaps those residing on the other side may finally get some rest instead of feeling compelled to haunt at all hours.”

Ledbetter was unavailable for further comment, as she was busy trying to float a can of Comet over to the toilet bowl.