What To Do When You Match With All Five Goose Members on Hinge

Posted on by Lauren Sewell

So you matched with not one, not two but all five members of the jam band Goose on a dating app. You’re probably feeling a little trapped, thinking, “Shit, what have I done? And why am I so attracted to coastal elite guys who look like they know how to tap a tree for syrup?” But don’t worry, this can be a positive experience!

With these steps and a little finesse, the Goose boys will stop worshiping Trey Anastasio and start worshiping you.

First, make the first move…but make them think they’re making the first move. Send a GIF, react to their profile, and keep the banter light and fun. Don’t acknowledge the band, their musicianship, or genre, but do ask them about the music they like and their other hobbies. Play a little dumb. You can say “how many times have you seen the Dead and Company?” or “I’ve never listened to Phish, but I love their Ben and Jerry’s flavor.” Ask them if they telemark ski, their favorite type of hard kombucha, and what liberal arts college they were rejected from (HINT: It’s Middlebury).

Second, invite one of them over. Peter, Trevor, Jeff, Dirk, or Elmo, It doesn’t matter, just be sure to use your sensuality and undeniable charm to sleep with him. Remember, you matched with all the Geese, you’re at least a Connecticut 8.

Later, invite a different one over. Use your sensuality to sleep with him, too. Instead of normal aftercare, casually and subtly mention you fucked his bandmate. For instance, you could call him by the wrong name – “Hey Jeff…ah, I mean, Elmo, could you get me some water?”

At this point, they’ll probably have to leave town for their next gig. Be sure to exchange numbers with the remaining three. Slowly dial down your conversation with them, but every so often, send a flirty drunk text or earnestly recommend a song you’re digging and say “This made me think of you, you might like it.” Wait until Goose is in town again, and then sleep with the remaining three.

Once you’ve slept with all of them, you will have fulfilled the coveted “Fuck the Flock” challenge. For five Goose notches on your bedpost, you’ll receive a Yale dining hall voucher good for six meals, an engraved set of skis, free Dunkin for a year, and a tambourine.

After playing the long game, at least 2.5 members will be in love with you, and you’ll end up with a song named after you, a contract naming you as the recipient of 7.5% of their profit, and free IPAs for life. Congrats, you damn Goosehead.

Progressive Landlord Begins Email With Land Acknowledgement Before Raising Rent by 45%

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Local Silver Lake landlord, and self-described progressive, Daniel Hickson began an email informing his tenants of a massive rental increase with brief land acknowledgment, confirmed sources who might have to move back in with their parents.

“As a second-generation land owner here in Los Angeles I know how important it is to recognize the indigenous tribes that once inhabited the region,” said Hickson who inherited multiple properties from his father. “I also know that those indigenous tribes would want me to get a fair market value for all the properties on their stolen land. If I’m renting a unit for anything less than the median rate of similarly-sized properties then that is a direct insult to The Tongva people and their ancestors. The Covid deals are over folks, time to start paying up.”

Erin McDonough rents a 388-square-foot studio apartment from Hickson and received the rental increase email.

“I really didn’t know what the point of the email was at first. He spent a paragraph talking about some of the tribes and how the L.A. River was key to agriculture in the area for millennia,” said McDonough while searching West Side Rentals for anything under $1,600. “Then I saw the part about how this is a six-day notice that my rent is basically doubling. He also said he would no longer be allowing pets unless we pay a monthly pet fee, and he somehow tied that to how the Tataviam never allowed dogs over 30 pounds to be part of their tribe. I don’t really know how to fact-check that, but it seems like a rip-off.”

Tenant’s rights advocates say landlords are using new techniques to deliver news of rental increases across the country.

“In left-leaning areas we see landlords trying to co-opt working class ideals to trick tenants into believing they are part of a socialist community, it rarely works but they won’t stop. In right-leaning areas landlords often say rent is increasing so they can use the money to defend gun rights and The Bible,” said Gina LaBelle of People Over Property. “Strangely enough that does work rather well. I once saw a rental increase letter inside of a pamphlet that said ‘Jesus Was a Landlord.’ I threw up when I saw it, and still get queasy when it gets brought up.”

At press time, Hickson sent a follow-up email declaring all of the the bathrooms in his portfolio will now be classified as “gender neutral” and this will come with a 12.5% rent increase across the board.

10 Potential Candidates for the GOP in 2024

Posted on by Sean Fallon

Even though we’re a few years out from the 2024 election, that doesn’t mean we can’t breathlessly speculate on who the GOP will run. Considering the last Republican president was Donald Trump, the sky’s the limit on who will be next to climb into the soiled diaper that is the office of the President of the USA.

Trump

Three-time election loser Trump has shown recently that he is losing some of his power over the party as more and more of his batshit candidates were bodied during the midterms. Not letting something like wild unpopularity and federal indictments get in the way of his strange need for absolute power, Trump has declared a run in 2024, and let’s face facts, he’ll probably somehow get the nomination.

Ron DeSantis

Ron DeSantis looks set to be the next Republican president if he can get past the fact that he has the personality and charm of a blank post-it note. Anointed by Trump, DeSantis has moved away from his patron to forge his own path as a cruel, petty leader lacking empathy and charm which should play very well with the Republican base.

Kanye

Ye once famously announced that George Bush doesn’t care about black people, a statement he would later utterly shit on by wearing White Lives Matter shirts and hanging out with racist assholes. Though his campaign in 2020 was an embarrassment, his recent forays into idiotic anti-semitism and hanging out with sentient bags of dog shit, may make him popular with some Republican voters even though he’s yet to learn how not to say the quiet part out loud e.g. “I loooove Hitler”.

The Ghost of Chester A. Arthur

A left-field choice to be sure but deceased former president, Chester A. Arthur (1829-1886) has secured a lot of support from the older members of the Republican party who were alive when he was president. Arthur famously said “there doesn’t seem anything else for an ex-President to do but to go into the country and raise big pumpkins,” but has now abandoned growing seasonal gourds in Hell in order to contest the 2024 election. Congressional lawyers are currently hard at work to see if that is allowed.

Boris Johnson

An interesting strategy considering he wouldn’t be remotely eligible for the job, but being able to do the job and getting the job are not really things that have stood in the way of success for Boris Johnson, the turd that the world cannot flush. Much like former president Trump, Johnson managed to get a lot of his countrymen killed by COVID while selfishly not succumbing to the disease himself. Only time will tell if this anal sore will find a way to attach itself to the US.

Rita Repulsa

Correction: We previously published that Rita Repulsa was in the running for 2024. However, Ms Repulsa’s lawyers contacted us to let us know that it is actually Sarah Palin who is running and while the similarities between the evil bitch who hates young people while being a scourge upon mankind and Rita Repulsa were clear, Ms. Repulsa is not affiliated with the Republican party.

The water levels on the first Sonic the Hedgehog game

Republicans love drowning small woodland creatures for fun, which has put the water levels on the first Sonic the Hedgehog game-high in recent polls of future Republican candidates. Watching the little blue creature gasp for air as players search for bubbles has had a Viagra-like effect on jaded politicians’ political fervor.

Elon Musk

Musk is unfunny, desperate for attention, hates the poor, makes his money from shady business practices, has a frankly awful meme game, he’s not sure how many kids he has, and he has a very punchable face. With all these traits, Elon Musk might be over-qualified to be the GOP’s nominee for 2024.

Walexandria Ocasio-Cortez

An evil version of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Walexandria was born into exorbitant wealth and privilege, dances like shit, and can’t make an Old Fashioned for shit. The only thing she shares with AOC is that Ben Shapiro desperately wants to debate her/suck her toes. Unlike AOC, WAOC is consistently unprepared during hearings and hates the poor. With all of those non-skills, she’s being touted for a future run at office with some toe-dipping to occur in 2024.

A Gun

Vote gun. You know you want to.

American Black Metal Band Visits Norway for Inspiration, Healthcare

Posted on by Zach Hudson

BERGEN, Norway — American black metal band Shadows Over Mirkwood embarked on a two-week tour of Norway in search of artistic inspiration and a healthcare system they can afford, confirmed sources finally able to afford life-saving medication.

“We are beyond stoked to be in the home of true black metal,” said bassist Kevin ‘Trollsbane’ Whalen. “We are drawing so much inspiration from the land, the rich cultural history, and the publicly financed healthcare system. They don’t even have to crowdfund their medical bills here. Speaking of, both our drummer and guitarist have GoFundMes from their injuries when our van crashed a month ago, and they’re only $58,000 away from meeting their goal of not going bankrupt from medical bills. Anything helps.”

The quartet took full advantage of their time in Norway by meeting up with former Gorgoroth vocalist Gaahl for mentorship as well as hospital recommendations.

“Most of these young bands who come to visit me want to talk about the scene in the ‘90s, my past comments on church burnings, or that silly Vice documentary I agreed to do for some reason. But these guys clearly weren’t here for that,” said Gaahl. “They only wanted to know who my primary care provider was, if I had any dentists to recommend, and if we had something called ‘copays’ here. I even offered to jam with them and they said no. The American scene is becoming odd. My latest project Gaahls Wyrd is supposed to tour America next year and now I’m really worried about getting sick and losing my life savings to the for-profit healthcare system while I’m there.”

The increase in American black metal bands touring Norway is starting to take a toll on the country’s healthcare system.

“I’ve seen more bands from America come into my hospital than I can count these last few years,” said Norwegian doctor Olivia Olsen. “Sure, I get that this is where their audience is, but you can’t tell me that they’re only coming here for the music. Just the other day I saw this American musician with a severely broken foot, which he claims ‘just happened’ but that thing had definitely been broken for weeks. Coincidentally, their show in town was only announced mere hours before he came in.”

Shadows Over Mirkwood were so inspired by their stay that they announced they were changing the name of their upcoming LP from “Venom For All” to “Medicare For All.”

Vocalist at Show Lets Drunk Asshole Scream the One Part Everyone Wanted to Hear Him Sing

Posted on by Ken Taro

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Lead vocalist Avery Winters of metalcore mainstays Yellow Ochre pulled a fast one and let a drunk fan shout the chorus on their closing song “The Last Surrender,” annoyed showgoers confirmed.

“Quite frankly, I’m sick of singing that shit every night. We wrote this song 18 years ago, I want to give someone else a turn,” said Winters. “I spotted a dude who was swaying back and forth, not to the music, but just trying to stay standing up because he was so drunk. He had been shouting random disruptive shit all night, so I wanted to see what he could come up with. When I got to the chorus, I put the mic to his face, and he went on a rant about how ‘the CIA is tracking us through our fillings.’ Apparently, he had been brought to the show by a friend and didn’t know the lyrics at all, but he did stick to the melody, which was nice.”

Shamani Williams, who saved for three months to afford the $8 ticket, was more than disappointed.

“I skipped countless therapy sessions and even missed a few months of rent payments so that I could pay to be there that night. I love Avery’s vocals so much. I couldn’t wait to hear it live,” lamented Williams. “Instead, he stuck the mic in the face of some random wasted asshole. As soon as he opened his mouth, I could smell the bourbon even though I was about six rows behind him. Pretty sure his breath burned a hole in the mic, because Avery’s voice didn’t sound right the rest of the night.”

Huszar Gabor, Yellow Ochre’s merch guy, took Winters’ side.

“I’ve heard him sing it a million times, so I thought it was hilarious when that guy basically threw up on the mic,,” admitted Gabor while packing up leftover shirts and enamel pins. “By the end of that dude’s rant, I ended up thinking that he had made some good points about how the government is monitoring our every move and we need to be more conscious about how we navigate the internet. Maybe at the next show, Avery can find a government agent in the crowd to present a counter argument.”

At press time, Winters revealed “off the record” that he hadn’t really been paying attention and forgot where he was in the song, so he chose to pass the mic off to remind himself.

We Sat Down With the One Old Guy Who Sings “My Way” at Every Karaoke Night

Posted on by John Danek

If Frank Sinatra’s “My Way” were never played on the radio or in movies again, it would still live on eternally in the collective human consciousness. Why? Because you can guarantee its inclusion at every single karaoke night on the planet. And while I prefer Limp Bizkit’s “My Way”, Ol’ Blue Eyes’ version has its place I suppose.

There’s no one more insistent on performing the crooner classic than Morty Ivich, a regular at my neighborhood karaoke bar The Gadfly. We sat down with him to hear how he did it “his way.”

THE HARD TIMES: Morty, what is it about “My Way” that inspires you to sing it so frequently? To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you sing another song.

MORTY: Oh, it’s my absolute favorite. Just a classic. They don’t write songs like that anymore. I love singing it at The Gadfly and Tom’s Tavern.

Wait, don’t those two bars have karaoke on the same night? Do you go back and forth?

Heh, no, not exactly. I have a way of… bending… time and place around me.

Uhhhh… come again?

You see, I can exist in multiple places at once, as multiple different beings. You know me as Morty Ivich, an old Russian retiree. Tom’s Tavern knows me as Nikos Papadopoulous, owner of Nikos’ Gyros in Hampstead. The Singing Palace in Kyoto knows me as Kenichi Yamashita.

Ok, I really don’t follow. Are you fucking with me?

I am not fucking with you. My birth name was Jebediah Plimp and I died in 1969 in West Virginia. An old mountain crone placed a curse on me, damning my soul to an eternity of wandering the earth singing “My Way” slightly off-key at every single karaoke night worldwide.

That’s mind-blowing!

Oh, it gets crazier. You see I have become unstuck in time. I am currently singing “My Way” at every point in history simultaneously. I am singing it at the dawn of time. I am singing it at the Kennedy assassination. I am singing it at the heat-death of the universe.

That’s… horrifying.

And while crowds love it, it’s time for this curse to find a new host. Get over here, give me your wrist!

Woah Morty, get away from me. Ahh, what the hell? Ow!

AH HA HA! YES! AFTER YEARS OF RECREATING FRANK SINATRA’S MONOTONE TALK-SINGING, I AM FINALLY FREE TO ASCEND TO THE NEXT PLANE OF EXISTENCE. I AM FREE!

…

…

…

And now, the end is near…

Real Life Willy Wonka? This Man Gives Kids Chocolate Before Murdering Them

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

Well folks, there’s not been much good news going on in this once proud town of ours. Heck, last week when your trusty man about-town columnist was doing his rounds, I was violently assaulted by someone who just shot up meth laced with fentanyl. Also, did you know now they’re lacing the fentanyl with stuff that makes your arms fall off?

It almost made me want to tell my editor to stick his deadlines in a sack! There was just no good news in the community!

But wouldn’t you know it, I found the inspiration to tell my story – A real-life Willy Wonka!

I was at the laundromat and couldn’t help but notice a gentleman whose garments were coated with chocolate stains. He told me he made his own confectionaries at home. I said you better not tell my wife you can make your own chocolate at home. Well, we shared a laugh over that and I said “Nice meeting you Willy Wonka.”

And he looked at me and said “Buddy, you don’t know the half of it.”

The eccentric chocolatier went on to explain that he had an uncontrollable and insatiable urge to murder small children. He doesn’t want to, but he needs the blood of innocents to appease Ba’al. So he decided that if he was going to kill these kids, he’d at least make sure they’d enjoy a sweet treat first. Remind you of someone? Perhaps a certain character classically portrayed by Gene Wilder?

Apparently this man brings them over and shows them how to make their own candy and gives them as much chocolate as they want. Just like Willy Wonka! And just like Willy Wonka, at a certain point in the process, he kills them out of nowhere! Isn’t that something?

It seems like most of the time when you hear about serial killers, they make their victims suffer. I know I would! But this guy goes out of his way to ensure that his innocent victims have the time of their lives that are soon to be cut tragically short.

“I feel better smothering them knowing they’re happy,” he explained.

Isn’t that what binds us together as a community? Doing things for our neighbor to lift them up. I can sleep better knowing there are still people like that out there.

Ghost Intern Has Trouble Identifying Nameless Ghouls Lunch Orders

Posted on by Jose Balderas

LINKÖPING, SWEDEN — Local college student Lufsig Nilsson once again screwed up the lunch orders for the Group of Nameless Ghouls who play in Ghost and abruptly quit his internship out of frustration, sources who didn’t even notice his absence confirm.

“I knew I would have to do a lot of grunt work like dry cleaning robes, and refilling their personal buckers of white face paint, but lunch is just chaos. Even with a detailed list it’s impossible to figure out who’s sandwich belonged to who because they are all just silent weirdos,” explained the exasperated Nilsson. “I’d call out an order and they would stare at me and just point to their patches. As much as I love Ghost lore, I don’t have time to figure out if that’s Water or Air or Aether or whatever. Imagine spending an hour and a half at Subway trying to make sure every Ghoul has the correct toppings on their sandwich and then being met with blank stares.”

Band member Multi-Ghoul offered to clarify the situation from a different perspective.

“This isn’t a job for the weak. It’s a demanding role in our un-holy mission. This was the third intern we’ve lost in the last two months. And yeah, our orders are complicated, because we all have different tastes and some Ghouls also have allergies,” said the theatrical musician. “Fire Ghoul can’t have pepperoncinis, ironically, and Water Ghoul really hates onions. If either of those orders are not right, our rehearsals are ruined. That intern got the job because they were dedicated to our cause, but if they can’t tell us apart, it’s just offensive and dangerous, really.”

Frontman Cardinal Copia, who hired the intern initially, gave his experienced opinion on the matter.

“It’s not an easy process whittling down hundreds of applications and finding the right candidates, but we also have to find the best of the best, and I believe we will get there. Though I must say, our previous gopher was amazing at cleaning the glass stained studio windows,, desecrating the eucharists, and making sure none of our hotel rooms had a Bible, but lunch orders are just as important. And if we can’t have well-fed Ghouls, we won’t have a good performance,” explained Copia. “It’s a long road to paying your Satanic dues, but once you do, the gates of Hell welcome you with the most rewarding prize– free entry to our shows and first dibs on shirts.”

As of press time, Ghost is operating with borrowed interns from GWAR.

5 Hyperpop Artists To Play if You’re Trying To Kill MeeMaw

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

So you think it might be time for dear old MeeMaw to head to the pearly gates. She’s like 103, after all! Not to mention she’s been begging for the sweet embrace of death for over a decade. It’s clear she’s ready to move on but just needs that extra push. Our simple solution: Hyperpop!

With its super-processed vocals, pitchy synths, and distorted, glitchy vibes, hyperpop has all the tools required to make an elderly brain explode. It’s a painless death too, given how overwhelmed their neurons will be trying to figure out what the hell is going on. I’m no doctor, but I’d bet my forged medical degree that a typical centenarian will be gone before they can even say, “who uses this much flanger?”

Here are 5 hyperpop artists that will help your MeeMaw meet PeePaw again in heaven.

100 Gecs
This iconic hyperpop duo makes music that is so chaotic, they have been banned from performing within a 100 mile radius of all nursing homes. Hell, even having MeeMaw read song names like “xXXi_wud_nvrstøp_ÜXXx” could be enough.

Kim Petras
MeeMaw grew up in a different time. When she was coming of age, nobody had ever released a song called “Treat Me Like A Slut.” The idea of someone taking pride in being a “Throat Goat” was unheard of! The sheer shock of hearing Kim’s lyrics will likely cause MeeMaw to enter a fugue-like state from which she will never return.

Lil Mariko
MeeMaw doesn’t know where your JUUL is or even what a JUUL is. But that doesn’t mean she can’t appreciate Lil Mariko and Full Tac’s viral hyperpop classic, “Where’s my JUUL??” In fact, she might just love it to death.

Charlie XCX
Vroom, vroom! Did someone order MeeMaw a ride to Xanadu? Well, her driver Charlie XCX is out front, blasting “Unlock It.”

SOPHIE
SOPHIE was a true pioneer of hyperpop. A legend whose experimental sound helped shape the entire genre. It would be an honor for MeeMaw to pass listening to “Faceshopping” or “Ponyboy.” And if it turns out the Garden of Eden is real, SOPHIE will be there DJing. MeeMaw and PeePaw can roll together clad in nothing but fig leaves.

Depressed Black Metal Musician at Rock Bottom Has “Come to Satan” Moment

Posted on by John Danek

DALLAS — Despondent black metal bedroom musician Dale “Vaxxix” Houlihan recently came to the sudden realization that the spiritual void in his life is best filled by Satan, adversary of God, much to the chagrin of family and friends.

“Before I heard the call of Satan, I was a sad, lonely alcoholic. Nowadays, I still am but I do it for Lucifer, provider of all sin,” explained Houlihan, who had the 332nd most popular black metal EP on Bandcamp last week. “My lyrics are now focused on praise & worship of the dark lord. Ever since I began sharing the bad news of Satan in my music, my life has become much more meaningful. My cat died. I got diagnosed with gout. I’ve been banned from the nearest Guitar Center. None of this would be possible without Satan.”

Houlihan’s family members were initially optimistic about his new life path, but the reality is far less positive than expected.

“Dale is so goddamned preachy now, I can’t take it. He tried to make everyone pray to Satan before Thanksgiving dinner,” said cousin Lawrence Houlihan, who plays Jars of Clay and Switchfoot around Dale every chance he gets. “I’m not religious but normally I don’t mind when others are unless it’s getting shoved in my face. Dale has taken to standing on busy Dallas intersections and preaching the words of Satan. It’s pretty embarrassing for our whole family. You don’t wanna be related to the Satan Freak guy.”

Satan, enemy of all righteousness and purveyor of evil and pain, expressed ambivalence over his new diehard fan.

“It’s apparently impossible for me to find one cool, chill follower. They all go way overboard and start infringing on other peoples’ peace and happiness like some dang Christian,” lamented the devil between shifts of advising Jeff Bezos. “You’d think my acolytes were allergic to showers. And don’t get me started on the music. Satanists always make the worst songs imaginable. Black metal? I don’t see why we can’t get some dancey music sometimes. I’m more of a reggaeton fan myself.”

Sources confirm that Houlihan is no longer speaking to any members of his family, after they refused to attend Black Mass with him on Friday night.