Every Thursday Album Ranked

Thursday is one of those bands with a perfect discography, and ranking their six studio albums is not something that we took lightly. On one hand, there’s no denying the impact that their early work had on the post-hardcore and emo scenes. On the other hand, Thursday’s later work leans heavily into post-rock and new-wave influences without ever losing their signature sound, and is most certainly worthy of a look. Thursday matured with their audience, and their music is in many ways indicative of growth, exploration, and never resting on their laurels. You should thank them for maturing, because if they hadn’t you still might be wearing skin-tight Diesel jeans and doing that dumb hair swoop thing.

That is to say, if we could put every single Thursday album in first place, we would. But since that’s not how rankings work, we’re going to rank their six studio albums by the impact they had upon their release.

6. Common Existence (2009)

After a few quiet years (and an amazing split EP with Envy), Thursday continued to push their sound into the territory that was first explored on “A City by the Light Divided.” One major difference that we hear on “Common Existence” comes in the form of how this energy is focused. “A City by the Light Divided” broke into post-rock territory on quite a few tracks, and we have the thousand-mile stare to prove it. Trust us, we were almost put in lock up because we would zone out so much that our family became concerned. Anyway, “Common Existence” stripped off some of the reverb, somehow made the bass guitar even more distorted, and the result is an album full of contemplative bangers that showed us how Thursday was still a cut above their contemporaries.

Play it again: “Beyond the Visible Spectrum”
Skip it: “Friends in the Armed Forces”

5. No Devolución (2011)

If you look up “swan song” in the dictionary, you’ll see the album cover for “No Devolución.” Thursday knew they were going to break up before we did, and it sounds very much like this is the album they wanted to be remembered for. Sitting perfectly between their latter-day sonic explorations and the iconic sound from “Full Collapse” that gave them mainstream popularity, “No Devolución” is a career-spanning sound jammed into a single LP. Thursday ended their studio career with an album that’s as heavy as it is pretty; as challenging as it is thoughtful; as focused as it is exploratory. It’s the complete opposite of how our first band ended. We can’t say too much, but an entire bass cab was filling with dog shit and dropped into a pool.

Play it again: “A Gun in the First Act,” the ending riff is the mother of all fat riffs.
Skip it: “Empty Glass,” somebody hurt Geoff, and we’re not okay with it.

4. Waiting (1999)

“Waiting” embodies the spirit of the basement show that Thursday was known for in their early days. At the end of the day, Thursday has been and always will be a tight group of friends who just wanted to play music together. As inexperienced as they were musically, their potential was evident right off the rip. “Waiting” is Thursday in their purest form, and it’s their naïveté and sincerity that shines through as they’re all learning how to write their songs, and in some cases how to play their instruments.

Play it again: “This Side of Brightness,” an early nod to Thursday’s larger-than-life sound that’s found in their later work.
Skip it: “Introduction,” there’s nothing wrong with it, but if we had to cut one, the album would still be cohesive without it.

3. A City by the Light Divided (2006)

It goes without question that Thursday has always been a moody band. Unlike its predecessors, “A City by the Light Divided” delivers a moodiness that’s simultaneously subdued and grandiose, which is a far cry from their more tense and frenetic delivery that we were used to at this point in Thursday’s career. Considered by many to be Thursday’s departure album, we are given a production that lends itself to textural guitars, an absolutely unrelenting rhythm section, acrobatic vocals, and synths that sound like a Robert Smith wet dream. Now if you know anything about Robert Smith you know those wet dreams could flood an apartment. The guy never got a security deposit back if you catch our drift. Back to Thursday, if you haven’t yet listened to this one with a good set of headphones, we strongly recommend that you do so.

Play it again: “Autumn Leaves Revisited”
Skip it: “The Lovesong Writer”

2. War All the Time (2003)

We’re working our way back to black hair dye, skinny jeans, and Geoff Rickly breaking his own nose with the mic swings. “War All the Time” was Thursday’s first major label release, and they clearly took full advantage of the resources they had at their disposal. “War All the Time” is personal, political, ambitious, and anthemic. If you listened to this album in your teens, it’s safe to say you wanted people to see you as a deep thinker. Just look at your collection of Vonnegut books. Fortunately for you, “War All the Time” holds up better than those tight t-shirts in the back of your closet that you still convince yourself you’ll be able to fit back into some day.

Play it again: “Tomorrow I’ll be You”
Skip it: “Marches and Maneuvers”

1. Full Collapse (2001)

I was told by the Hard Times editors that if I didn’t end this list with “Full Collapse,” they’d have to put me in a witness relocation program after all the death threats posted exclusively on Livejournal that I’d receive. Listen, I have the dove tattoo… and I may have even said off-record that “A City by the Light Divided” is my personal favorite album. But speaking objectively, “Full Collapse” is Thursday’s most important album, and we can’t deny its impact. “Full Collapse” is responsible for most of us hearing about Thursday, and it’s safe to say that a lot of us downloaded it off of Limewire before it was released because we were that fucking excited about it. “Full Collapse” pulled at our heartstrings upon its release, and the nostalgia is stronger than ever with this one in 2023.

Play it again: “Paris in Flames,” the spoken word section was written on all of our binders in high school.
Skip it: Just play the whole damn album on repeat.

Seven of the Most Infamous Crimes Committed by Punk/Metal Musicians Because We Can’t Satiate the Internet’s Lust for Blood

We all know the most popular thing on the internet is pornography. We all love it, but trailing right behind porn in popularity are tales of true crime. People just can’t get enough of the stuff. It’s like informational heroin, and to satisfy that addiction here are 7 times musicians from the punk/metal worlds ran afoul of the law.

7. Harley Flanagan: Assault

In 2012, the founder and primary songwriter of New York hardcore legends, the Cro-Mags, found himself on the outside of a competing version of the band, fronted by John Joseph. He allegedly turned up at their show at NYC’s Webster Hall, gained access to the VIP section courtesy of a hunting knife, and proceeded to stab and bite then-current members of the band. Flanagan himself was also stabbed during the melee, and claimed that he only bared his teeth in self-defense. The fact that the Cro-Mags’ debut and best-known album is entitled “The Age of Quarrel” is probably just a coincidence. Flanagan’s charges were later dropped due to lack of cooperating witnesses.

6. Phil Rudd: Attempted Murder for Hire

The AC/DC drummer was arrested in New Zealand in 2014 and charged with attempting to procure the murder of two associates. You read that correctly – the man who played on “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” (the most famous song ever written about hiring a hitman) was arrested for trying to hire a hitman. That’s the type of shit you can’t make up. The murder-for-hire charge was dropped due to “insufficient evidence,” although Rudd was still sentenced to eight months of home detention after pleading guilty to threatening to kill a man and possession of methamphetamine and marijuana. No word on whether the would-be murder plot involved concrete shoes or high voltage.

5. G.G. Allin: Felonious Assault

In 1989, the outlaw scumfuc, projectile defecator, and all around fun guy born Jesus Christ Allin, was charged with “assault with intent to do great bodily harm less than murder” stemming from an amorous encounter gone awry in Ann Arbor, Michigan, though he plea-bargained to the less severe, and less verbose, infraction of “felonious assault.” He admitted to burning, cutting, and drinking the blood of a female companion, but insisted that the acts were consensual and that she had done the same to him. The experience earned the transgressive Romeo 15 months in prison.

*Honorable Mention* Ozzy Osbourne: Public Urination

We like to have fun here at The Hard Times. But if you’re a regular reader, you already know that one thing we take seriously is desecration of 18th-century Spanish missions and their surrounding plazas. Which is why it isn’t funny that the Prince of Darkness messed with Texas in the most Ozzy way possible – by drunkenly pissing on the Cenotaph, a monument commemorating the Battle of the Alamo. Or that he was wearing only his future wife Sharon’s dress when he did so. Not funny at all. To this day, when one of our contributors binges on White Claw before touring historical sites, we sit them down and warn them to “Remember the Alamo.”

4. Vince Neil: Vehicular Manslaughter

In 1984, the Mötley Crüe vocalist spent a day with Dr. Feelgood before he and Hanoi Rocks drummer, Nicholas “Razzle” Dingley, hopped into his De Tomaso Pantera to visit a liquor store for more booze. In his intoxicated state, Neil lost control and struck an oncoming vehicle head-on, killing Dingley and causing brain damage to the occupants of the other car. He was charged with vehicular manslaughter and DUI, sentenced to 30 days in jail and 5 years probation, and ordered to pay $2.6 million restitution and perform 200 hours of community service. Alas, sometimes when you shout at the devil, he shouts back. So dear reader, keep your eyes peeled for drunken glam metal singers and buckle up because it’s all murder from here on in.

3. Phil Spector: Second-Degree Murder

You: Isn’t this a list for punk and metal artists? Us: How many Ramones albums did you produce? Spector, the legendary producer who worked with the Crystals, the Ronettes, Ike & Tina Turner, and the Beatles, among others, also produced the 1980 Ramones album, “End of the Century,” allegedly holding the band at gunpoint during the sessions. Unfortunately, his 2A fetish didn’t end there. Spector shot and killed actress Lana Clarkson in 2003, for which he was convicted of second-degree murder and sentenced to 19 years to life. He died in 2021 while still incarcerated, proving that sometimes a wall of steel is mightier than a wall of sound.

2. Varg Vikernes: Murder and Arson

The Norwegian white supremacist, church burning enthusiast, and sole member of pioneering black metal project Burzum, has been called “the most notorious metal musician of all time.” In 1992, he joined Mayhem, replacing bassist Necrobutcher, who took issue with guitarist Euronymous’s callous treatment of vocalist Dead’s suicide (including rearranging the scene and taking photographs for later use as an album cover). Vikernes had no such qualms, playing with Euronymous in Mayhem and inviting him to guest on Burzum albums. Sadly, the bromance was not to last. In 1993, the relationship between Vikernes and Euronymous became acrimonious, and Vikernes stabbed Euronymous to death in his apartment. He unsuccessfully claimed self-defense and was sentenced to 21 years in prison for murder, arson of three churches, attempted arson of a fourth church, theft, and storage of explosives. Vikernes now considers himself retired from music, enjoys long walks on the beach, and spends his free time being a complete piece of shit.

1. Sid Vicious: Murder

Let’s be honest, you read this far to make sure he was on the list, right? On the night of October 11, 1978, the erstwhile Sex Pistols bassist, and girlfriend Nancy Spungen, partied in their room at NYC’s Chelsea Hotel. By 11:00 the next morning, Nancy was found dead of a stab wound. Sid alternately claimed that he remembered nothing, that Nancy had fallen on his knife, and that he had stabbed her but not meant to kill her. Many have speculated a suicide pact gone wrong. Sid was charged with Nancy’s murder, but released on bail awaiting trial. On December 5, 1978, Vicious went to the Hurrah nightclub to see the band Skafish, where he flirted with the girlfriend of Patti Smith’s brother, Todd Smith. A fracas ensued in which Smith was stabbed in the face with a broken beer bottle by Vicious, sending him back to Rikers Island for assault and parole violation. On February 1, 1979, Vicious was again released on bail, having completed seven weeks of heroin detox. He celebrated his freedom and independence from heroin by, naturally, acquiring and shooting some heroin. His mother found him dead of an overdose the next morning, ending a sordid but defining chapter in the history of punk rock. We’ll never know for sure if Sid “did it” – we only know that he did it his way.

Trust Issues? I Found My Wife Going Through My Secret Phone

Trust is the cornerstone of any long-lasting relationship, which is why I was devastated to find my wife going through my burner phone when I got out of the shower. Boundary stepping? More like boundary stomping. My only question is “why?” My only other question is “did she also find my hidden iPad in the hollowed-out encyclopedia?”

I’d be lying if I said this was her first privacy violation. Just three months into our marriage, she had the gall to confront me about my false-bottomed sock drawer filled with condoms and polaroids of my ex-girlfriend. First of all, why are you in my sock drawer? It’s not my fault I guilted you into putting away my laundry. You have an excuse for everything.

Beyond the snooping, it’s the post-snoop interrogation that hurts me the most. If I had a dollar for every time I heard, “Where did you sleep last night?” or “Whose underwear is in the glove compartment?” I might finally be able to afford that trip to Denver to see my 22-year-old girlfriend. Isn’t this line of intensive questioning in violation of the Geneva Convention?

Finding my wife going through my secret phone was a real eye-opener and had me asking myself, “What kind of stranger have I been sleeping next to all these years?” Rebuilding broken trust might be possible, but not probable, given her scheming nature.

Watching her try to blame-shift her way out of this makes me realize how manipulative she really is. Just because you hear a strange ringtone coming from inside one of our air vents doesn’t give you the right to launch a full-blown investigation. Did you ever think the phone might’ve belonged to the previous owners? You’re impossible.

Bandmate With Kids Naively Thinks He’s Still in Band

MILWAUKEE — Local guitarist and dad of two, Andy Kim, innocently believes that he is still a member of local metal outfit Flesh Breath even though he hasn’t played a show or even practiced with the band since having his first child over a year and a half ago, sources close to the family report.

“I still practice my guitar, unplugged of course, when the kids are down for a nap, so I think once the kids are a little older I’ll have some more time, and me and the guys can start playing shows again,” Kim said quietly while washing bottles. “I’m excited to get back into the practice space and maybe hit the road for a weekend trip when the kids are teenagers. Of course, I’ll have to clear it with the wife first but I’m sure she’ll be ok with me giving the band like an hour a week, well half an hour with travel time.”

The other members of Flesh Breath, however, disagree.

“We all love Andy but we are trying to get signed to Relapse, not sit around waiting for stupid little kids to understand the concept of object permanence. We replaced him as soon as he told us his wife was pregnant again,” Flesh Breath drummer Walter Dunn said just before a show Kim was never told about. “He still texts me every week to say that he’s sorry but he can’t make it to rehearsal. You’d think since I haven’t replied he would get the message that we moved on. Every once in a while I’ll get a message saying he is on his way only for him to cancel at the last minute. I’m never too worried that he’ll ever actually show up.”

Psychologist Erica Montgomery says this is a very common occurrence among young parents.

“These people believe that they are going to be able to continue the life they lead before they had children and they are, obviously, fooling themselves,” Montgomery said while nursing her 4-month-old over Zoom. “They also hold onto this fantasy that their friends are just going to wait around for them to have some free time when clearly they are using their ample free time and excess money to live a life these new parents could only dream about.”

As of press time, Kim is waiting to tell the band he sold most of his guitars to buy diapers and formula.

Conservative Man Boycotting Chick-fil-A and Bud Light Now Technically Fasting

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local man Eric Case realized he’s technically fasting after being forced to boycott his favorite brands Chick-fil-A and Bud Light for going “woke,” concerned sources confirmed.

“It was hard enough giving up my favorite all-American beverage when I learned about the Bud Light campaign. I still don’t know exactly what Bud Light did, but I know I don’t like it,” said Case, a man known for his instant boycott announcements on Twitter. “But after learning that Chick-fil-A is willing to shun God’s will by accepting those for the way he created them, I decided I can’t support them anymore either. I’m fucking starving and my mouth is dryer than a snake’s belly during a drought. But it’s very important to me that I stand for my conservative values, like keeping inclusion out of the workplace.”

Harrison Wilmington, a local talk show host, and conservative radio icon, praised Case for this bold move.

“Political activists have a long history of using the hunger strike to make a point and accomplish their goal. Just be clear, I consider most of these activists to be my mortal enemies, but I’m really an end-justifies-the-means kind of guy, so I see no harm in taking a move from communist lefty traitors,” said Wilmington. “I used to support Chick-fil-A, I loved how they were closed on Sunday to honor God. But now we might have to open a truly conservative fast food chain. A place that doesn’t bow to government regulations on cleanliness or workplace safety. The Dems need to stay out of our stomachs and let the free market dictate where we eat.”

Sierra Wilkins, a representative for Chick-fil-A, is still hoping their right-leaning customers will learn from the politicians they work closely with.

“We don’t see what the big deal is, and it’s not like we’ll stop donating to conservative lawmakers. We’re just trying to sell as many chicken sandwiches as humanly possible, and this move was mainly for show anyway,” said Wilkins. “We don’t actually care about inclusion and diversity at Chick-fil-A, this is just a way to pay one of the owner’s kids even more money. Maybe we can ride this wave for a while, sell liberals some sandwiches for a change, and then get back to our anti-gay agenda.”

At press time, a Papa John’s Pizza marketing executive was brutally beaten in the company’s boardroom after suggesting they introduce a plant-based cheese.

Tupac Hologram Still Just Hanging Around

INDIO, Calif. — Eleven years after a mind-blowing hologram of iconic rapper Tupac Shakur took the stage at Coachella to perform with Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg, reports indicate he’s still just kind of hanging around, not doing much in particular.

“Not gonna lie, it’s pretty damn boring around here,” said the Tupac Hologram, which still appears to be around 25 years old and glowing. “When Dre and Snoop brought me back I thought I’d be going on tour with them or back in the studio to lay down some realness, but it just didn’t pan out. They unplugged me and went about their day. Now I just kind of kick it around here, and I gotta say, Indio is pretty fucking dull when the festival isn’t going on, know what I’m saying? There’s like one bowling alley, and my hands just pass through the balls. I’m lucky if I get the chance to hang at a swap meet.”

Orlando Benson, a Coachella Valley-area receptionist says the Tupac Hologram is well known to locals at this point.

“I was a fan of ‘Pac and was truly crushed so seeing him back up on stage in 2012 felt like a miracle, particularly since I was on a lot of molly at the time,” said Benson. “I guess we all expected that would be the end of that experiment, but nope. Everyone around here just kind of tolerates him now when he comes by work to just ‘hang’ or like ask how iPhones work. Sometimes he just cries, and it makes me wonder what is actually going on. It’s also super creepy when he glitches and his whole face turns into, like, pixels screaming in agony for a few seconds.”

Barry Kovacs, a representative for Goldenvoice, the organization that runs the Coachella Festival, had no explanation for the continued existence of the Tupac Hologram.

“When we contracted AV Concepts to create the Tupac Hologram we thought it would be a fun, one-time thing,” said Kovacs. “We certainly did not expect that we would be creating the world’s first, most bored self-sustaining hard light entity and we sure as fuck don’t know how this is still going on. The hologram isn’t connected to a power supply anymore, he must have rigged up his own battery, I just hope he doesn’t turn violent.”

The actual Tupac Shakur, currently living in the Presidential Palace in Cuba, declined to comment.

Every A Wilhelm Scream Album Ranked

Punk rock is overflowing with creativity across its seemingly endless sub-genres, but few bands have created such a remarkably inimitable sound as A Wilhelm Scream. Over the past two decades, the New Bedford, MA-based quintet has become known for their technical prowess, harmonizing vocals, and energetic live shows that can blow your fucking hair back – and thankfully, they show no signs of slowing down.

Their sound can initially be a bit inaccessible to new listeners due to unconventional song structures that can only be described as “progressive” or “too advanced for dummies.” But with repeated listens, the constant tempo and chord changes that once sounded like chaos reveal themselves to be genius compositions. With the exception of their debut release – which suffers from sounding like it was recorded in a high school bathroom – the extraordinary quality of their discography makes ranking the albums a challenging affair, but here goes nothing.

6. Benefits of Thinking Out Loud (2001)

The songs on A Wilhelm Scream’s debut album are as catchy as you would expect from the group, and it’s easy to see the bones of what they would eventually become with the release of “Mute Print” three years later. But even the catchiest songs can’t shine to their full potential when the recording quality is awful and the vocal harmony attempts sound worse than beheading videos, so it can be tough to sit through for anyone who doesn’t have an existing love for the band. Consider this an official call for a 25th-anniversary redo from the guys, as it’d be a delight to hear these top-tier songs revived with some recording equipment released in the years since World War II.

Play It Again: “Catharsis for Dummies”
Skip It: “You Make Me Feel Like I Need A Drink” is too short to really make any kind of statement on the album.

5. Lose Your Delusion (2022)

Landing nearly a full decade after 2013’s “Partycrasher,” “Lose Your Delusion” is A Wilhelm Scream’s most mature album – but the group is also clearly taking themselves a bit less seriously and having the most fun of their career here. The mix of brighter-sounding riffs, slower tempos, and lyrics that tackle subjects like friendship and childhood nostalgia are a major shift from what fans have come to expect. As such, when the two more traditional hardcore tunes make appearances during the otherwise upbeat 11-song romp can have the type of jarring effect one might experience from seeing Bob Ross get angry and throw one of his paintings at a group of birds. But even those tonal inconsistencies can’t derail such a creative outing, so here’s to hoping we don’t have to wait another decade for more AWS,

Play It Again: “The Enigma”
Skip It: “I’m Gonna Work It Out” feels a bit incohesive and meandering, but it’s still somehow an earworm, and that really pisses me the fuck off.

4. Ruiner (2005)

Ruiner is filled to the brim with some of the catchiest melodies and riffs the group has ever pieced together (“The King is Dead” is probably the best fucking opener of any punk album ever) – but it’s definitely a product of its time. Everyone in the band was clearly on some mid-2000s emo shit, so there’s a blend of their signature sound with intimately bleak lyrical content and warm, thick guitar tones perfect for applying thick black eyeliner to. But while Ruiner no doubt flirted with Hot Topic vibes more than any of their other albums, it remains an awesome nostalgia bomb for those of us who grew up with these face-melting songs.

Play It Again: “The Kids Can Eat A Bag of Dicks”
Skip It: “In Vino Veritas II” isn’t a bad song by any means, but it’s unequivocally emo, so don’t be shocked if you feel a strange urge to break out your old studded belt and jelly bracelets.

3. Mute Print (2004)

While A Wilhelm Scream may be best known for their later work, “Mute Print” was many fans’ introduction to the New Bedford punk rockers. It’s here that they debuted the level of technical proficiency that would continue to define them for the following two decades, effortlessly combining intricate dual lead guitars with aggressive punk rhythms and fierce vocals to create a sound unmatched by their contemporaries. It’s also the home of “Rip,” which has long been a fan-favorite track to chant along to at live shows due to its heavy and lyrically-powerful outro.

Play It Again: “The Rip”
Skip It: “Picture of the World” has great riffs, but avoid it if you can’t handle the somewhat whiny melodies.

2. Partycrasher (2013)

With a predecessor like the career-defining release of “Career Suicide,” “Partycrasher” had a high bar to clear, so it’s surprising that A Wilhelm Scream managed to pull off an album so reminiscent of its predecessor at all. It features a handful of the best tracks in the band’s decades-spanning catalog and serves as a fantastic onboarding album for your friends with shitty music taste who are always trying to make you listen to Alkaline Trio. Hitting hard out of the gate with the anthemic “Boat Builders” and going out strong with the melodic mastery of “Born A Wise Man,” “Partycrasher” somehow manages to never relent at any point in-between.

Play It Again: “Devil Don’t Know”
Skip It: “Wild Turkey” is a great song that hits hard with its hooks, but it’s still the weakest link here.

1. Career Suicide (2007)

“Career Suicide” is widely accepted as A Wilhelm Scream’s magnum opus, showcasing the best and most consistent implementation of their progressive punk rock sound. The group’s fourth album just refuses to give you a moment to breathe with its relentlessly energetic collection of technical masterpieces. Singer Nuno Pereira sounds more comfortable than ever as he belts memorable lyrics with his signature intensity in between the staggeringly complex guitars and bass, never a missing a step across thirty-five minutes of thundering aggression. This is undoubtedly the album to show crusty punk kids what they could achieve if they’d spend more time practicing and less time sewing patches onto their jackets.

Play It Again: “5 To 9”
Skip It: Don’t even think about it. You’ll listen to every song, and you’ll fucking love it.

The Smiths’ 10 Best Songs Which Unfortunately Still Feature Morrissey on Vocals

Nowadays, saying that you like the Smiths isn’t exactly an Earth-shattering opinion (unless you’re Joseph Gordon Levitt in “500 Days of Summer”), but their influence on indie rock in the decades since their breakup is undeniable. Just look at every British rock band in the ‘90s and nearly all of them will cite The Smiths as direct inspirations. In just five years together they cranked out four albums, two compilation albums, and multiple standalone singles which ranged from “good” to “undisputed classics” despite being fronted by noted piece of shit Morrissey. To put the matter to bed over which ones are truly the greatest, here are ten of their best songs in the exact order as God intended.

10. Half a Person

This might sound crazy, but many of the Smiths B-sides were arguably as good as the singles and album tracks. This one is generally overlooked but upon multiple listens might actually encapsulate their essence perfectly. Morrissey sings about being “sixteen, clumsy, and shy, that’s the story of my life,” an all too relatable sentiment that can last well into adulthood. It could easily serve as the ending song of an ‘80s coming of age teen dramedy.

9. Stop Me if You Think You’ve Heard This One Before

This one proposed the question: who among us hasn’t found ourselves painted into a corner because of over-the-top excuses to get out of plans? This shit kicker features Morrissey’s most brutal lyrics on an album that already included a lot of death and murder (did he know the band was about to split?). The song’s even more ominous when you watch the music video and imagine twenty Moz lookalikes on bicycles barreling down the street at you.

8. How Soon is Now?

And to think this was originally a B-side! Arguably the best-known Smiths song, it’s also their only song you can slow grind thanks in part to Johnny’s epic reverb work and the bass of dearly departed Andy Rourke. Morrissey’s lyrics are simple but straight to the point, as if he’s drunkenly arguing with a friend outside a bar at 3 a.m. about how unfair it is that everyone inside is getting laid except him.

7. Bigmouth Strikes Again

This one is most enjoyed with your speakers/headphones at full volume. This song fits in so many one-liners it’s almost hard to pick which one is the best, but it’s also Morrissey’s most self-depicting song which is saying something as he’s made a career out of putting his foot in his mouth. Check out the live version from “Rank”, which kicks even more ass than the studio version.

6. Hand in Glove

The band’s very first single is also their hardest-hitting on multiple levels. Johnny, Andy, and Mike don’t waste any time getting into it (with bonus harmonica) as Morrissey launches into admonishing close-minded idiots that they can look down on queerness all they want, he doesn’t give a shit about their opinion. In the end, even he knows this love will probably be short-lived but will still fight anyone who looks at them in the wrong direction. Makes one wonder if he was secretly a hardass

5. Panic

While the song was originally inspired by an incredibly unfortunate segway from a tragic news story into a cheery pop song, its message about songs “saying nothing to me about my life” apply to any fan of indie and alternative rock who’ve had to endure FM radio drudgery. It’s like Moz looked to the future, saw Ed Sheeran, and then penned this missive. Bonus points to Johnny Marr for getting a bunch of kids together to sing about publicly executing someone.

4. Still Ill

Please rise and remove your hats for the teen angst national anthem. This is the kind of song that would make even the most introverted youths riot in the streets and burn down a gas station, existential crisis be damned.

3. There is a Light that Never Goes Out

This is pretty much the indie rock equivalent of “I Will Always Love You. In all seriousness though, this is a beautifully assembled, emotionally charged song of unrequited love against the backdrop of the subject being ostracized and disowned by their family. And yet they are completely at peace with dying right then and there because they’re with the right person. On a less serious note, it’s also kind of funny to imagine Morrissey being flattened by a double-decker bus.

2. This Charming Man

This one has it all: an instantly recognizable intro, tight rhythm section, and one of Moz’s best opening lines in the Smiths catalog. It perfectly depicts the agony of being young, confused, alone, and to add insult to injury having absolutely no drip. It’s so endlessly catchy that you may find yourself inadvertently listening to it 20 times a week and never notice.

1. Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now

At the top of the mountain is this indelible, sunny jangle pop masterpiece that would influence pretty much every 90’s indie band. And while the band is locked in to satiate every pleasure center in your brain, it’s Morrissey’s lamentation of having to exist amongst people he wants to dropkick in the face that steals the show. Everyone since time immemorial can relate to landing a job, and then realizing with horror that you have to show up and work.

Uh Oh: We Did Too Much Ayahuasca and Now We’re in Queens of the Stone Age

We only landed a spot on the exclusive Ayahuasca Retreat last minute because Vice News had to unexpectedly pull out. Little did we know how much this little trip would change our lives forever — in the form of a signed contract with Queens of the Stone Age.

After years of sharing paint cans and whippet chargers around, we naively expected the DMT not to have too much of an effect on our brains. We should have known we were in over our heads when everyone was rubbing the carpeted yurt with their bare feet before the ritual even began. Nevertheless, we kicked off our Docs, chugged that special brew, and lay back allowing the universe to swallow us into her.

As we got deeper into the vortex that had opened up inside us, I could hear a strange amount of chugging guitar and what sounded like the voice of a Mexican radio host. I didn’t think too much of it until I looked over at my travel companion who was suddenly sporting a leather jacket and a pompadour. I had a sudden and overwhelming desire to get into a jet black 1953 Chevy hot rod with flames up the sides and drive as fast and as far into the California desert as I could. We both recognized at that point that we were experiencing the QOTSA effect.

They had warned us about this at the beginning of the ritual. Some more susceptible ceremony participants have been known to be pulled into the frequencies of the band who are always conveniently jamming right beside the retreat. Ever wondered how Dave Grohl ended up in the band?

Don’t get us wrong, it was kind of rad to fall through a spiritual plane right into the middle of a desert rock jam session. We just thought ayahuasca was supposed to enhance our connection with our own spirituality and the world around us, not cause you to wake up with your hands trembling over a keyboard and Josh Homme sweating uncomfortably close to you.

I was a little nervous when they had us sign the contract in blood but another sip of ayahuasca and me and the boys are howling into our mics like it’s nobody’s business! You can catch us on tour with the band later this year, at any date that doesn’t require us to have a passport.

Deforestation Eradicating Teen Drinking Habitats

TIGARD, Ore. — Reports indicate that urban sprawl and logging are decimating the forest preserves that once teamed with teenagers drinking alcohol stolen from their parents or procured using a fake ID, sources who are pissed they can’t crush a Mad Dog tonight confirm.

“I showed up to our usual spot at Fanno Creek Park to find that it had been bulldozed,” local sixteen-year-old Eileen Soto said after stealing some PBR tall-boys from a local 7-Eleven. “Where are we supposed to go now? It seems like every time we find a nice secluded spot to recklessly drink, capitalism swoops in and wipes it out. My older brother told me about these massive bonfires they used to have by Dirksen Park but that got turned into a stupid baseball field. I guess we’ll have to settle for rotating garages at whoever’s parents are out of town.”

City officials, however, seem to not be concerned about the shrinking partying landcape.

“Look, we have a new Costco coming in and we can’t stop progress just because we are going to displace some teenagers,” City Manager Sally Hubbard said at a condo ribbon cutting ceremony. “We have done our due diligence here and there will be plenty of places for the teens to do their debauchery up by Summer Lake. We are proud of the beauty of our forests here in Tigard and the wildlife that comes with them, but we simply need more space. Also, Jesus Christ, I should probably be publicly denouncing underage drinking more. Don’t do it, kids.”

Earth scientist believe that the impact of deforestation is doing more harm than good on a social level as well as an ecological one.

“If these teens don’t have a proper place to drink and smoke weed, then they are going to spill out onto backyards, office parks, and high school football fields,” said Harriet Brady, PhD student at Portland State University. “We are talking about a collapse of an entire alcohol ecosystem that has been thriving since the 1960s. These kids need to have this space as part of their developmental process. Drinking in a forest is a right of passage for many of these kids, and without the allure of a semi-secluded forest where they can get bit to shit by mosquitos and suffer alcohol poisoning before they can legally vote, they will miss out on a necessary step of maturation.”

As of press time, the county and the teens union representative have struck a tentative deal to relocate them to the abandoned mall parking lot until a permanent residence can be found.