BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local man Eric Case realized he’s technically fasting after being forced to boycott his favorite brands Chick-fil-A and Bud Light for going “woke,” concerned sources confirmed.
“It was hard enough giving up my favorite all-American beverage when I learned about the Bud Light campaign. I still don’t know exactly what Bud Light did, but I know I don’t like it,” said Case, a man known for his instant boycott announcements on Twitter. “But after learning that Chick-fil-A is willing to shun God’s will by accepting those for the way he created them, I decided I can’t support them anymore either. I’m fucking starving and my mouth is dryer than a snake’s belly during a drought. But it’s very important to me that I stand for my conservative values, like keeping inclusion out of the workplace.”
Harrison Wilmington, a local talk show host, and conservative radio icon, praised Case for this bold move.
“Political activists have a long history of using the hunger strike to make a point and accomplish their goal. Just be clear, I consider most of these activists to be my mortal enemies, but I’m really an end-justifies-the-means kind of guy, so I see no harm in taking a move from communist lefty traitors,” said Wilmington. “I used to support Chick-fil-A, I loved how they were closed on Sunday to honor God. But now we might have to open a truly conservative fast food chain. A place that doesn’t bow to government regulations on cleanliness or workplace safety. The Dems need to stay out of our stomachs and let the free market dictate where we eat.”
Sierra Wilkins, a representative for Chick-fil-A, is still hoping their right-leaning customers will learn from the politicians they work closely with.
“We don’t see what the big deal is, and it’s not like we’ll stop donating to conservative lawmakers. We’re just trying to sell as many chicken sandwiches as humanly possible, and this move was mainly for show anyway,” said Wilkins. “We don’t actually care about inclusion and diversity at Chick-fil-A, this is just a way to pay one of the owner’s kids even more money. Maybe we can ride this wave for a while, sell liberals some sandwiches for a change, and then get back to our anti-gay agenda.”
At press time, a Papa John’s Pizza marketing executive was brutally beaten in the company’s boardroom after suggesting they introduce a plant-based cheese.