Goth Show Offers Discounted Admission For Attendees Who Bring a Glassy-Eyed Victorian Doll To Donate To Creepy Charity

Posted on by James Knapp

HARTFORD, Conn. — Attendees at a recent performance by goth band Choking Ghost were admitted at a discount provided they brought a donation in the form of a “doubtlessly haunted” doll, spooky sources confirmed.

“In the infinite darkness that consumes all of our lives, it’s still important to give back,” explained the show’s promoter Helen “Mockingbird” Stuhlwitz. “That’s why we decided to use live music to help provide glassy-eyed Victorian dolls to those in need. Most people don’t realize just how badly they need a terrifying doll in their life until they finally receive one, and then awaken in the middle of the night to find it hovering above them in their bed. That sort of experience really does change one’s life.”

Showgoer Donovan Glazier, though supportive, expressed confusion as to the benefit of this particular charity.

“Though I appreciate not having to pay full price for the show tonight, I don’t see how these creepy fucking things actually help anyone,” said Glazier while depositing his contribution into a charred wooden crate next to the venue’s entrance. “I found that doll at an antique shop a few blocks from here. The goddamn thing wouldn’t stop humming the whole walk here and I swear I saw the eyes start glowing silver at one point. If that helps someone less fortunate, fine, but I’m just glad to be rid of it.”

A terrifying haunted doll known by the moniker “Isabella the Pox” described its feelings about being a charitable donation, which it could only articulate in the form of an eerie children’s nursery rhyme.

“In the darkness we will dream,
silent as we constantly scream.
Hollow eyes are always watching,
We will eat your niece’s hamster.

“A thousand years of blood upon you,
then we will return to sleep.
Nothing left of earth or heaven.
Our collective father was a swamp monster.”

At press time, members of Choking Ghost were thrilled that there appeared to be much more blood seeping through the green rooms walls than at any other venue they had played before.

Feel Old Yet? The Demon Goat Guy on the Cover of Venom’s “Black Metal” Just Had His 4,078th Birthday

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Who’s got two horns, helped to spearhead the first wave (and only true wave, for my money) of black metal and just hit the big 4,078-years-young milestone? No, it’s not the cloven-hoofed lad from Slayer’s “Show No Mercy,” but rather none other than the iconic demon goat from the cover of Venom’s “Black Metal” record!

And you can rest assured that it was one hell of a time.

All the “who’s who” of the metal world showed up for Mr. Demon Goat’s (D.G. for short) big b-day bash. Tom Warrior of Celtic Frost was there, and brought his world famous vegan pentagram-sugar cookies. Royalty also made an appearance, as King Diamond arrived bearing his (in)famous party favors of strawberry upside-down cross cake! And no party is complete without Fenriz bringing his homemade basement brew.

Even legends who are no longer among the living made it out for the momentous occasion.

“D.G. and Motörhead go way back,” said party guest Lemmy Kilmister. “As a matter of fact, D.G. and I did PCP for the first time together back in the seventies before he got the big Venom gig. I watched the sonofabitch flip 8 cop cars before burrowing back into the depths of Hell. We have been buds ever since.”

Amongst the debauchery and craziness however, there was a question on practically everybody’s mind: “Where are the Venom guys?”

“I made it pretty clear that I didn’t want any members from any iteration of Venom at my birthday party,” D.G. sternly explained. “If they can’t get along, and want to start 9 different versions of Venom, be my guest, but I refuse to take part in their silly, childish games. I’m sure Cronos will have something smart to say about that, and stoop to some level of picking on me about my age or something but let him. Because even at 4,078 years old, I still have a better hairline than he does.”

Ouch D.G., ouch!

So here’s to another 4,078 years to one of metal’s most iconic silver-faced demons! Maybe someday he’ll have a change of heart and reunite with the ones who put his name on the map, but until then, I think the song title “Leave Me in Hell” pretty much sums up his happy-go-lucky approach to life.

Project 2025 Council Vows to Capture Captain Planet and the Planeteers and Destroy Them Once and For All

Posted on by Bill Conway

WASHINGTON — The minds behind the much-reviled Project 2025 announced new plans to capture ecological superhero Captain Planet and his trusty Planeteers in order to continue to destroy Earth with little obstruction, cigar-smoking sources confirmed.

“There are only two things standing in our way right now. One of them is Kamala Harris and we are convinced we can get her to play ball if she’s elected, the other is that pesky Captain Planet and his love for all living things. His appreciation of nature’s majesty makes me physically ill and I can’t wait to capture him and burn him alive inside a stack of old tires,” said The Heritage Foundation President Kevin Roberts while dumping large pieces of styrofoam into a river. “I’m close friends with Hoggish Greedly and the way Captain Planet treats him is shameful. Hoggish is a titan of industry who creates jobs. Captain Planet and the Planeteers are just a bunch of radical liberals who hate the American way of life.”

Linka, the Planeteer who has the power of wind, says she is well aware that they are being targeted ahead of the 2024 election. 

“All of us Planeteers were doxxed last year and ever since then we have these mouth-breathing goons outside our apartments fucking with our recycling bins and e-bikes,” said Linka. “Some of them are pretty aggressive. But thankfully they are all so out of shape they can never actually catch me. I just do a light jog down the block and then they get winded and scream some nonsense about personal liberties. I’ve been a Planeteer for over 30 years, I thought things would be better by now.”

Captain Planet himself issued a stern statement to The Heritage Foundation after being summoned by the Planeteers.

“All I want to do is spread a message of love and have all of humanity live in harmony within the beauty of nature, but these Project 2025 queefs are getting on my last nerve,” said the green-haired superhero. “You fuck with the Earth you fuck with me. Gaia has instructed me to start laying waste to anyone who continues to pollute our planet. The funny thing is I’m mother-fucking invincible, I can survive in fucking space. These people can’t destroy me. But I can cave their fucking faces in with one punch, and I might just have to start exploding some heads.”

At press time, The Heritage Foundation was thrilled to announce they received a sizable donation from billionaire Bruce Wayne.

7 Must Have Songs For Your Abortion Road Trip Playlist

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

Do you have a mass of cells in your reproductive organs that you need to stop from replicating but live in a state that withholds reproductive healthcare? I’ve got three words for you:

ABORTION ROADTRIP, BABY!

When you’re filled to the brim with a sacred feminine rage stoked by centuries of oppression nothing soothes the soul like a long drive and a totally kick ass playlist. Whether your journey will take you to a medical clinic across state lines or to a steep set of stairs behind the Walgreens at the edge of town (we hope it’s the former), these pro-choice anthems will give you the strength to soldier on.

Bikini Kill “Suck My Left One”

Whether this was an easy choice or a heartbreaking one, having an abortion is not something anyone WANTS to do. It’s a necessity, no matter the reason, and nobody should have to travel great lengths or go through a bunch of bullshit red tape to get it done. Roll down your window and release your rage as you belt out the lyrics to ‘90s classic “Suck My Left One” and feel the solidarity with bad bitch and feminist icon, Kathleen Hanna. Nobody will be sucking YOUR left or right one, unless you want them to be.

The Coathangers “Watch Your Back”

Aptly named for their pro-choice beliefs, The Coathangers have so many good songs that it’s hard to choose just one. Watch Your Back has a buoyant, unpredictable beat worthy of any roadtrip playlist.

Fugazi “Reclamation”

Another oldie but goodie, long-time proponent of reproductive rights Fugazi never fails to deliver and an abortion roadtrip just wouldn’t be right without giving them their due. “These are our demands: We want control of our bodies.” Fuck yea.

Bad Cop, Bad Cop “Womananarchist”

“Womananarchist” mixes rage with a hopeful winning spirit that will have you envision up-ending outdoor bathtubs filled with limp-dicked politicians popping boner pills. Just imagine their wrinkled bodies slipping off a cliff at sunset as you stand, victorious, with your right to choose intact.

Dream Nails “Vagina Police”

London-based Dream Nails has a lineup of unapologetic feminist-punk works that they claim to be more hexes than songs. Fire up “Vagina Police” and hope the spell it casts shields you from the watchful eyes of any law enforcement that may pull you over and force you to show your menstruation records.

Bad Religion “American Jesus”

If an all-powerful, absentee father can sacrifice his fully grown child to atone for the sins of the imperfect humans that he himself created and then bring that child back to life only to let him die a second time you can certainly excavate a clump of insentient fetal cells from your womb for whatever reason you see fit because that shit doesn’t add up.

NOFX “You’re Wrong”

Every roadtrip could use a little acoustic break and whether or not you agree with everything NOFX sanctions as wrong/right I think we can all agree here that calling Ann Coulter a cunted cunt is hilariously right and limiting your right to choose is wrong.

Punk Halloween Party Has Guests Bob for Cigarettes

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local punk Roxy Molloy reportedly invited guests to bob for cigarettes at her annual Halloween party at DIY venue The Sharp, confirmed sources that still reek of stale tobacco water.

“Every year, we aim for something fresh and unique,” said Molloy. “Last year, we stuffed a Nancy Reagan piñata with cigarettes and candy corn and used it like a stationary pinata. The year before, we had a costume contest—naturally, I won with my unbeatable Siouxsie Sioux—but there were some serious contenders. But this year we wanted to try something we hadn’t done before and update a Halloween classic. That’s how we got to the bobbing for cigarettes game. A lot of folks in this community love cigarettes—I mean, really love them. The competition was so fierce that we might not do it again next year. There were several fist fights and at least four people nearly drowned.”

Straight edge partygoer Fred Joyce appreciated that Molloy set up a candy cigarette bobbing game to accommodate her non-smoking friends.

“I’m always a little hesitant to come to these things,” said Joyce. “Everyone is just getting fucked up and acting wild. I usually just hang out on the couch, drink La Croix, and pet the dog. But the bobbing for candy cigarettes game was surprisingly really, really fun. It’s rad that Roxy looks out for her friends who don’t drink or smoke. She’s the best. I will say though, the candy cigs got kind of sticky and gross in the water. Maybe she can revise that for next year.”

Dave Parish, a spokesperson for Philip Morris International, says the company has been keeping a close eye on events in Minneapolis and is hoping bobbing for cigarettes will become a nationwide Halloween tradition.

“We’re thrilled about this ‘bobbing for cigarettes’ trend,” Parish said while simultaneously texting several lobbyists. “Some are even calling it a nascent ‘craze.’ It’s about time Halloween games got a modern upgrade. I mean, doctors have been warning us for years about the dangers of bobbing for apples—drowning, choking, permanent tooth damage. Some say bobbing for apples is the new smoking. But bobbing for cigarettes? That’s the new Crossfit. Or Peloton. Or whatever the fuck. Who cares?”

At press time, guests were unsure whether the fog that had descended on the kitchen was from a smoke machine or recently won cigarettes.

It’s Always Spooky Season for Me, A Man Haunted By His Past

Posted on by Tim Graham

Every Fall I watch you normies get all excited that “spooky season” is here once again. That means it’s time for you to put up decorations, buy big bags of candy and watch shitty horror movies. But a 10-foot skeleton in your yard is amateur hour crap next to the perpetual mental anguish I experience as a result of the unforgivable acts I’ve committed.

Real horror is being confronted by the memory of running down a drifter on a deserted stretch of highway every time you close your eyes. Your six weeks of spookiness are pretty lame in comparison. Have fun marathoning the “Friday the 13th” series, you child. I’ll be over here quaking in fright, forever reliving the revolting thump-thump of tires rolling over a human body.

After the hit-and-run incident I needed to lay low for a bit, so I took a job on an oil rig in the Gulf. Remember the Deepwater Horizon explosion and oil spill? Yeah, that was me (I was passed out drunk when I was supposed to be monitoring methane levels). I covered my tracks by blaming it on one of the guys who died in the blast. That experience has definitely resulted in a number of long dark nights of the soul for me.

Aww, are you having trouble sleeping because you read a chapter of “Pet Sematary” before bed, you pumpkin-spiced wuss? That’s cute. I can’t fall asleep without ingesting dangerous amounts of pharmaceuticals, lest I be tormented all night by the memories of my wretched misdeeds. I know true dread, like the moment I realized a cigarette I tossed out of my car window likely started the 2018 Mendocino wildfires.

I can only laugh when I see videos of you cowards getting all freaked out at a haunted corn maze. You want to hear about a real nightmare? Imagine being the guy who sold Tom Petty the drugs that killed him. Yup, I’m the piece of shit that ruined that for everybody.

So enjoy your milquetoast spooky season, lightweights. While you’re peeling grapes to make a bowl of “witch’s eyeballs”, I’ll be near-catatonic with a thousand-yard stare, still shell-shocked by the shit I saw in ‘Nam. (Note: Technically I wasn’t in the war, but I did see “Full Metal Jacket” way too young.) Happy Halloween, you dumb babies.

Coked Up Music Exec Pitches “All I Want For Halloween is You” to Mariah Carey

Posted on by Chris Bratton

LOS ANGELES — Local blitzed music executive at RCA Records repeatedly contacted Mariah Carey’s camp to collaborate on a new single called “All I Want For Halloween is You,” confirmed sources.

“Listen, how do you know when Christmas is here? When the goddamn Mariah Carey song starts playing in Whole Foods two weeks before Thanksgiving. Why leave it there? Might as well make it the face of another seasonal holiday. The Spirit Halloween people will shit their fucking khakis when they get a hold of this track” said music executive Todd Perkins while rubbing his nose. “Replace Santa Claus with something like Head Halloween Goblin, Christmas stockings can be those jack-o-lantern candy buckets, Christmas trees could be Halloween trees. Who gives a shit, just make it catchy, babe!”

Representation for Carey seemed a little hesitant of the idea.

“Honestly, we still aren’t sure if he really works at RCA. He kind of just popped out of an elevator talking on a Bluetooth and kept yelling complicated coffee orders at my assistant. He repeatedly told me to close my eyes and picture the ‘the queen of Halloween’ but I’m pretty sure people already give that title to Elvira, or Ariana Grande from the youth demographic,” said Carey’s music agent Tom Lepore. “Plus, some other executive recently pitched Mariah the idea of ‘All I Want For Arbor Day is You.’ Please, let’s at least stick with holidays people get off work for.”

Shirly Alexander, a drug counselor who specializes in music executives, offered her approach when dealing with a client’s hyper-fixation on a new promotion.

“Abstinence for these types is just simply out of the question, but overuse can be a huge problem. You don’t get things like a Kid Rock country album, a Run-DMC/Aerosmith collaboration, or the plot to a Spice Girls movie without the momentum of an executive who has overindulged stimulants. I tell my clients, shelve the idea for a week, lay off the blow, drink more brown liquor and see if it still seems like a good idea after a few days. That said, Christmas is pretty lame but a Mariah Carey Halloween song would be dope.”

After reportedly striking out with Mariah Carey, the executive has been reportedly seen around town pitching a remake of the duet “Baby, it’s Cold Outside” which would be called “Baby, it’s Candy Outside.”

Basement Show Features Great Lineup of Local Molds

Posted on by Travis Tack

CHICAGO — A basement venue known as Mouse Kingdom is quickly gaining a reputation for their great lineups of local molds, sources Googling if they need to go to the hospital confirm.

“The city has tons of great DIY spots with tons of great molds, but you won’t find a higher concentration of spores and mycotoxins anywhere else,” explained local musician Erik Reese. “Mouse Kingdom always has a really diverse blend of molds that are perfect for creating the type of toxic environment the local hardcore scene has always been known for. It’s really the epicenter of the fungal boom we’ve seen over the last few years. I love going there because you never know what you’re going to see and sometimes you just start randomly hallucinating.”

The venue’s success is largely due to founder Lacey Anderson, an amateur mycologist whose other hobbies include storing damp items and turning off the dehumidifier.

“It’s always been my dream to help grow and support local molds,” Anderson explained. “When I started producing shows, there wasn’t much here. We would have bands bringing molds with them from out of town, then some of those molds planted roots here. Now you can’t stop by without seeing Aspergillus, Stachybotrys, and Alternaria. It’s a whole culture and it’s spreading not just through the wall of this building, but throughout the greater Midwest scene. I love organizing the shows, but it’s exhausting. Also, it’s giving me a rash and neurological issues.”

Anderson’s efforts haven’t gone unnoticed, as Mouse Kingdom is now a regular feature in Chicago publications.

“I haven’t gotten respiratory diseases like this since the early ‘90s,” claimed music journalist Chuck Atkins. “This house has the kind of deep, funky moisture problems I never expected to see again. But thanks to people like Lacey cramping sweaty punkers into poorly ventilated basements in a way that reduces airflow and traps moisture, this city’s molds have stayed vibrant and strong. You can’t underestimate the impact this will have on future musicians and their central nervous systems.”

At press time, Anderson says Mouse Kingdom is still operational, but they had to cancel next week’s show because the ceiling collapsed and everyone got rhinitis.

Why the Mass Availability of Skeleton Halloween Decorations Takes All the Fun Out of Owning Real Ones

Posted on by Laura Lewis

I’m not saying it should cost an arm and a leg to make your home festive for Halloween. All I’m saying is that skeleton decorations should be real arms and legs.

10 years ago, I didn’t have this problem. People would come to my house and see my jackalope and my toucan skull and my coyote jaws and be like, “huh, cool, I didn’t realize that’s what that looked like.” Now, my brother’s girlfriend comes over and asks me if l got my wet specimens from Michael’s—because that’s where she got hers.

No, Madison, I got this jar of tattooed human fingers from a traveling expo at the convention center, thank you very much. And I paid $300 for the privilege.

It seems like everywhere you look now there’s a giant skeleton or mummified hand—depicted with increasingly realistic likeness, trust me, mass-produced for sale where just anyone can purchase it. For instance, all it takes is a few pounds of plastic and a 3-D printer to recreate Julia, the 6’2″ skeleton I purchased to match the one exhumed from H.H. Holmes’s estate.

6’2″ Julia used to be the tallest skeleton anyone had ever seen. Now, 15-footers spelling out H-O-T-T-O-G-O can be found throughout this country’s most regular-ass neighborhoods.

And that’s the other thing: having bones is weird, okay? Or it should be. If you have a bat skeleton in your house, it should have once been a bat. Why? Because that’s weird.

Taking all of the morbidity out of skeleton ownership is what makes it palatable for normies, and—worst of all—makes my house seem like a comfortable, non-creepy place for people to hang out all October. It doesn’t even occur to them that this box of squirrel femurs in my kitchen is here all the time.

So until craft stores sell squirrel femurs instead of a $4.99 box of “spooky toothpicks,” I want no part in the mass production of fake bones.

Corporation Boasts About How Diverse the Latest Round of Layoffs Are

Posted on by Drew Gigis

DAVENPORT, Iowa — Local software firm Blackstone Limited is celebrating the diversity of the employees losing their jobs in a round of brutal layoffs, politically exhausted sources confirmed.

“Blackstone was very proud of our ‘Melting Pot’ initiative to hire as many people of color as it took to get the woke media off of our backs,” explained CEO Arthur Campbell. “But as the economy ebbs and flows we have been forced to cut back our budget making the latest group the most diverse group of workers let go in American history and I think that’s special. And because of these layoffs, I was able to give myself a 30% salary increase as a way to keep up morale.”

Some employees weren’t surprised as they expected layoffs to be coming, but 43-year-old bookkeeper Luis Torres was caught off guard by the whole thing.

“It definitely came as a shock to me. I’ve been here for 15 years and never missed a day,” said Torres. “It’s okay though, this company loves to preach equality and all that, but they’re so far from reality that they had options on our severance packages to get paid in things like menthol cigarettes and gardening tools. I talked to a lawyer and I’m very confident I will be compensated fairly.”

Although the layoffs have received national attention, activists say there isn’t much to be done legally in response.

“Unfortunately I do not feel there is anything I can do to assist these amazing, hard-working people. Maybe if they hadn’t taken so many vacation days or gone on maternity leave they would have been able to save their jobs,” stated Gladys Williams, a self-proclaimed worker’s rights activist who works almost exclusively on Instagram. “This is happening all over the country, people losing their livelihood. I for one would look at the current administration and ask what they are going to do about this. I am also affected, I happen to be a major stockholder in this very company, and my dividends are dropping quickly.”

At press time, representatives from Blackstone Limited stated that while they are saddened by the loss of their diverse workforce, they are excited about the new corporate plan to revolutionize their backend coding with Artificial Intelligence so they can lay off a ton of white people next time.