Punk Time Capsule Just Filled With Drugs

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

PORTLAND, Ore. — A time capsule that a local punk buried 25 years ago was recently unearthed and discovered to have been filled with nothing but drugs, confirmed highly intrigued sources.

“Typically, we honor time by celebrating a past that we find ourselves removed from,” said Mayor Walace Tracy. “Some time capsules remind us of technology we once depended on that is now laughably quaint like a Discman or a Tamagotchi. Other time capsules contain newspapers and magazines to remind us of pop culture trends of the past such as the Bill Clinton scandal or the Jonathan Taylor Thomas phenomenon. This time capsule is full of narcotics, methamphetamines, psychedelics, cannabis, and bath salts. Turns out, drugs never age. The same can’t be said about Beanie Babies and Spin Doctors CDs.”

One local punk was brave enough to come forward and claim the time capsule, which authorities returned assuming there’s no chance any of it was still psychoactive after being underground for more than two decades.

“Oh shit, is that where I put my stash? Can’t believe I buried it instead of those Pokémon cards, I must have been tripping so hard,” recalled Suzi Renita. “There’s, like, a whole sheet of acid in here. And a bag of shitty weed full of seeds. Remember when you’d buy weed and you had to spend an hour pulling out all the seeds? Wow, it really makes you think about how far we’ve come as a society. It also makes you wonder whether LSD and cocaine have expiration dates. Only one way to find out.”

Local sociologist Gemma Bobbie reflected on time capsules as a chance to reconnect with a past that may have fallen prey to our social amnesia.

“A few decades ago massive technological progress would happen once a generation, at best,” said Bobbie. “But with our current age of exponential advancements we find that, ugh, sorry, these shrooms taste like shit. Where was I? The myopia of our current news cycles has forced us to live in the present for so long that we find ourselves often forgetting that we even have a rich history filled with really potent illegal substances that often pair well with Alan Watts recordings. Either way, drugs belong circulating in your bloodstream, not a few feet underground.”

At press time, another time capsule buried by a gaggle of local goths was discovered to be a box full of random bones and a fully decomposed crow.

Ten Out of Ten Voices in Your Head Agree That You Should Grab the Gun Out of This Cop’s Holster

Posted on by Ben Friedman

With so many dubious reports and “studies” flooding our news channels and social media, it is damn near impossible to reach a consensus on anything. So when a fact-based, independent report comes out where all parties involved are in complete agreement, you’d better believe it demands attention. If this consensus is indeed true, it could be the most significant breakthrough in modern thought since Jean-Paul Sartre invented hipsters.

The experts have spoken: ten out of ten voices in your head unequivocally agree you should grab the gun out of this cop’s holster.

This is a significant breakthrough. Rather than being driven insane trying to fight the voices goading you into spontaneous outbursts in public, the scattered fragments of your broken psyche have all agreed the cop waiting in line ahead of you at the deli would be pleased as punch if you snatched the gun from his waist and started waving it around wildly.

This is a huge step up from the time only eight out of the ten voices told you to steal a security guard’s taser and zap yourself in the nuts because you needed to be punished. We’re talking light-years of progress.

The congregation of experts who’ve manifested within your consciousness unanimously agree that the feeling of cold steel in your hands will allow you to, if just for a fleeting moment, become God. Why even worry about the consequences? If you have their gun, you’ll be in charge, and you’ll make the laws, and they’ll be powerless to stop you. Granted, this study was conducted in an open-carry state, but it’s safe to assume everyone else in this establishment is also getting itchy the longer you ignore the voices.

Maybe there’s a reason thoughts like this keep intruding, and that reason is you should absolutely act on them, ever think about that?

Is it a felony? Likely, but it’s negligible. What really matters is that the endless din of chattering in your skull has become a chorus of voices telling you it would be hilarious to grab that cop’s gun while he’s distracted while ordering a sandwich, and that the cop and everyone else in line will find it equally hilarious.

Aren’t you glad you didn’t go to therapy or take your antipsychotic meds? If the voices are all on board about this (which they are because why would they lie to you), then you should probably follow their advice on stealing your sister’s credit card and buying 6,000 rats in order to turn them into your personal army.

DO IT! DO IT NOW! DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT!

Gruesome Evidence Suggests Ancient Green Day Fans Boiled Prisoners Alive Inside Bronze Tré Cool

Posted on by Jonah Nink

SAN FRANCISCO — Pop punk archaeologists uncovered shocking evidence that ancient Green Day fans boiled captives alive inside of hollow bronze statues of Tré Cool, East Bay sources reported.

“We discovered human remains and melted nose piercings inside of a bronze statue of Tré at our Pinole dig site,” said chief UC Berkeley Pop Punk Anthropologist Dr. Tara Hernandez. “Evidence suggests that prisoners, most likely Sum 41 and Good Charlotte fans captured in battle, were slowly roasted to death inside the heated statue. The internal acoustics of the bronze Tré were modified so the screams of those inside sounded like the opening lines of ‘Basket Case,’ and steam would vent out of the statue’s ass and make a ‘Kerplunk’ sound in reference to the album. Turns out, a lot of torture devices throughout human history have been inspired by famous drummers.”

The “Bronze Tré” had long been considered a myth by the Green Day community.

“I thought it was just a made up story meant to scare children, like how the band used to be just three guys or that the bassline from ‘Longview’ was used to conjure ancient spirits at local Berkeley cemeteries,” said Green Day fan Chris Kornall. “I can’t say I’m shocked since listening to any album the band has release in the last ten years is still a form of torture. Is choking to death while watching your skin bubble and crack like bacon really worse than listening to anything off of ‘Father of all Motherfuckers’? I’d rather be burnt alive than have someone pander to my nostalgia.”

Punk memorabilia enthusiast Fred Burns says he has a fully functional Cool statue built for his private collection.

“We got to test the replica on a My Chemical Romance fan on death row,” said Burns. “The guy actually exploded inside because of all the hairspray, but the device was designed to account for that. Those Ancient Green Day fans were some real sick bastards. The torture method was so widespread that the full title of the band’s 2000 album ‘Warning’ is actually ‘Warning: Criminals And Hertics Will Be Burned Inside Of The Bronze Snoo.’”

At press time, archaeologists confirmed that the remains of the great wooden Mike Dirnt were used by Green Day fans in the siege of ancient Albany.

Report: Statistically Elon 3-4 Children Away From Having One Who Actually Loves Him

Posted on by Reece Napierski

BOSTON — Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology determined that billionaire and father of 13 Elon Musk is statistically three to four children away from having one who actually loves him.

“Love and the likelihood of its occurrence is a difficult thing to quantify,” said lead researcher Patricia Turkington, PhD. “But we’re all pretty convinced that after siring a few more children or so, one of them is bound to at least tolerate Elon. And our computer models suggest that, from said tolerance, a vaguely positive feeling of affinity that could generously be classified as affection bordering on love could hypothetically follow. And if that number isn’t correct then unfortunately science has failed us.”

Musk’s son Kai seemed to develop a distaste for his father.

“I think it would help if he would stop naming his kids after Steam product keys and making verifiably untrue claims like he invented the baking soda volcano,” said the young Musk. “One time he asked if I wanted to have a catch. I agreed, so he arranged to have one of his companies build a robot that can do that. He never even taught me how to drive. He just sat me down in one of his self-driving vehicles and said I’d get the gist. He’s so weird.”

Musk characterized MIT’s study as baseless and deeply hurtful.

“I have an incredible relationship with all of my many children with the exception of a few bad eggs, who I might add have the physiognomy of hysterical tavern maidens,” said Musk. “I should remind MIT, the media, and my children, some of which I can’t remember their names right now, that I am not only super rich, a world-class gamer, inventor, magician, and great in bed, but I am also one of the top fathers worldwide. I implore any ‘skeptics’ to check the leaderboards on TopDads.X.Com. I dominate the North American region, spending more than 1,000 dad-hours this month alone on fathering and accruing over 1.5 million pop-pop tokens in the process. These are the indisputable facts that confirm I am an exceptional father.”

At press time, researchers also concluded that Musk was five or six more baby mamas away from one that can actually stand to be around him.

Opinion: This Can’t Be the Country I Grew up In, Because There Used To Be Way More Pizza Huts

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Not to sound like a bitter old man but things truly were better back in the halcyon days of the 90’s, rose colored glasses be damned. That’s when I remember America being great, when my frontal lobe wasn’t fully developed and the world wasn’t backward like a stuffed-crust pizza.

Something has changed, and definitely for the worse. I look around and no longer see the country I was born and raised in because I could swear there used to be way more Pizza Huts around.

You might think it’s a weird metric to measure how far down the USA has been flushed down the shitter, but the last time the federal government had a consistent surplus, Mr. Pizza Head was on our TV’s every other commercial break. Coincidence? I think not!

There’s no hiding the fact that our rights have slowly been eroding for decades, culminating in the country collapsing in on itself like a dying star. Many people will blame the ruling class, I blame the dipshit at Yum! Brands who thought it would be a good idea to ditch Pizza Hut’s iconic roofs and make them look like banks. If you want to know where America’s soul went, it died when fast casual pizza joints stopped looking like they were wearing wide brim hats.

It was not too long ago that you’d have family-friendly chain pizza restaurants in every town with aesthetics reminiscent of a 1980’s basement. And they were endorsed by the Ninja Turtles for God’s sake! You couldn’t get a better stamp of approval than that, especially since I thought they were real until I was eight years old.

This has the deep state’s greasy fingers all over it. Just follow the breadcrumbs: Bush passes “No Child Left Behind”, literacy rates plummet, the “Book It!” program gets scrapped so then nobody is getting personal pan pizzas, and next thing we know Pizza Huts start disappearing and media literacy is extinct. Checkmate, America.

Was the Hut out-pizza’d overnight, or were we just not paying attention? I always knew the unchecked proliferation of Papa John’s and Murphy’s would lead our nation astray. They’re not my real (pizza) dad!

Well, it was nice while it lasted. At least I have the memories and these Land Before Time hand puppets to remind me that at one point, life made sense.

Five English Majors Form Remedial Math Rock Band

Posted on by Amy Ash

SAN DIEGO — A local group of five CSU San Marcos English majors formed a remedial math rock band to bone up on their algebra skills, confirmed sources.

“We knew bit off more than we could chew when we all barely passed Trigonometry 101, so we formed Alpha Asphalt,” said bassist and creative writing minor Mike Singh. “Complex and unusual time signatures are a major hurdle for us. Steve Albini had a journalism degree and he crushed it in this genre so I figured we’d be OK. Turns out you have to be a goddamn ‘Good Will Hunting’ to do this shit. You think Albini ever punched ‘13/8’ into a calculator to try and make sense of it, only to get more scared and confused when ‘1.625’ popped up? Hell no, but that was my Saturday night.”

Friend of the band Kate Flores admires the musicians’ commitment and lofty goals but admits it’s been painful to watch them contend with numbers higher than four.

“It’s not easy to witness five adults angrily counting on their fingers,” Flores said. “When they practice it feels like they’re all taking a math test while somebody else yells out random numbers to mess them up, and whenever one of them goes out ‘for a smoke’ I know they’re crying. They’ve tried to hire a tutor to help improve their chops but couldn’t get anyone from Slint. At some point, they’ll probably realize that they should switch to being an advanced level indie band. We all know English majors thrive at making indie music.”

Rachel Radner, whose unlikely rise to stardom in the AP math rock band Shin Splint included no formal calculus training, believes these young musicians are not alone in their struggle.

“A lot of people think atypical structures mean playing math rock is totally freewheelin’,” said Radner. “In reality, it requires intense focus and it may not be for the faint of heart, or for most people with Emily Dickinson tattoos. It takes a lot of studying and midnight cram sessions to write an album as good as American Football. You simply can’t get good at this genre if you’re reading Shakespeare and writing essays about deconstructing post-modernism.”

At press time, the band devised a fallback option to just call it noise rock if remedial math rock doesn’t work out.

Trump to Meet with Putin for His 90-Day Review

Posted on by Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — Donald Trump announced that he would be meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin to discuss a number of international policies for his 90-day foreign asset probationary review, the White House has confirmed.

“We’re going to have a great conversation, a perfect conversation. Some are already saying it’s going to be the best two guys talking and the history books will remember it as amazing. I know Putin is going to love how I’ve convinced so many Americans to love Russia. Because Russia used to be the bad guys, but now they are the good guys and Canada are the bad guys. I know he was very proud when the Vice President and I lectured Zelenskyy at the White House, that was a beatdown, and when I halted sending weapons to those pesky Ukrainians I certainly set myself up for being his top guy,” said Trump while in route from Mar-a-Lago to Washington for the ninth time this week. “Putin was very specific about the job requirements this time around, that I needed to deliver more wins for Russia than my last term. He said ‘we’ll push you out of a window, we’ll poison your Big Macs’. But here I am with two feet on the ground in the best of health so I must be doing a terrific job. As soon as I can hand Crimea to Russia he said we can start building casinos and he’ll start contributing to my HSA. The winning will never end!”

As of press time, Kremlin officials stated if the review goes well, going forward Trump will report directly to Elon Musk regarding his progress in upending the stability of Western civilization.

Dropkick Murphys Bagpipe Player Googles “Puke Bagpipes Clean Help Boston”

Posted on by Chris Bratton

BOSTON — Dropkick Murphys bagpipe player Campbell Webster was seen frantically Googling “puke bagpipes clean help Boston,” confirmed sources who gave him a “good luck with that” look before carrying on their way.

“I swear, if I have to lose another set of pipes due to partially digested food and regurgitated stomach bile I’m going to lose my shit,” said Webster using Incognito Mode. “Ah, here we go. It says right here to carefully cut the bag part open between the tenor drones and chanter using an 18th century single-edged dagger purchased from a guy who sells wares in Termonfeckin, dump the vomit out at a 45-degree angle while reciting the works of James Joyce, and sew it back up using the hair follicle of an Irish hare. Whew, good thing I have all of these items at my disposal or else this really could’ve been a nightmare. I’m not even sure who’s puke this is, but if I had to venture a guess it’d be the mandolin player. He’s always hurling in our instruments. If it’s not his then it’s definitely mine.”

Bandmates seemed all too used to this sort of behavior.

“You should see this dude’s search history,” said Dropkick Murphys singer Ken Casey. “It’s all bagpipe-related, like ‘how to tune that one Irish instrument,’ ‘bagpipery for beginners,’ and ‘do bagpipes still work if you’ve inserted your penis in one of the pipe holes.’ I mean, this guy really wants to know the ins and outs of his instrument. True dedication to the craft. If only our drummer had the same enthusiasm. All of his Google searches are related to Guinness beer and the Boston Celtics. Sure, mine are too, but still.”

Experts were quick to note similar instances among bands.

“Musicians’ browser histories are often very comical,” said music critic Dana Bowsing. “Glenn Danzig’s history is just b-horror movie clips from the 1940s and dark web photos of Marilyn Monroe’s rotting corpse. Slipknot band members’ searches are exactly ‘If I wear a mask for too long does it start to fuse to my face.’ Not to mention, all of Gwar’s searches are just how to get fake blood stains out of various articles of clothing, living room furniture, and pet hair. Nothing but weird stuff.”

At press time, Webster began receiving targeted ads from bagpipe brands, Boston tourism, and puke bucket companies.

How I Finally Got the Courage To Build Myself up by Tearing Other People Down

Posted on by Doug Kolic

Experts say taking care of your mental health is one of the most important things you can do. That’s why this year I finally decided to put myself first and do whatever it takes to build my esteem up, which I’ve discovered is most quickly achieved by tearing others down.

Many self-help gurus say it’s vital to shift your mindset from what you “should” do to what you “must” do, which I interpreted as needing to tell my best friend Todd that his lifelong commitment to helping special needs kids is just a pathetic ploy for validation because he has a God complex. It’s amazing how quickly I felt better about myself after telling him that his life was a sham.

Secondly, I started to practice self-love. I achieved this by being proud of my values, which taught me to embrace my strength which I realized was being a dick to people around me in order to elevate my ego. Such as when I told my coworker Kathy that everyone knew she was crying in the breakroom last week, mainly because I secretly filmed it and showed them. That might seem like a lousy thing to do, but it makes sense after you realize I had to do something to deflect from the fact that I showed up a bit tipsy to work.

Another tool I employed was confronting my fears. I’ve always had bad anxiety, which has stopped me from being my authentic self. But now I just throw caution to the wind and venture into new situations with an open heart, knowing that I can turn fear into something positive. Like when I turned the trepidation of my wife leaving me after she discovered my secret family, into something good when I announced that I had cancer, something which guilted her into staying. The fact that it’s not true is inconsequential.

You might be taking this all in and thinking “My God, these are the hallmarks of an overly aggressive sociopath,” but hear me out — shut up nerd. Is it lonely up there on your pedestal?

In the end, every person needs to embark on their own spiritual journey to achieve contentment. Some may succeed with affirmations and therapy, but for those of us who don’t fall for horseshit like that, it’s much easier to achieve when you’re feeding your spirit flame to reach new heights of joy by extinguishing the spirits of anyone who doesn’t have the benefit of being you, like Todd, my idiot son.

Image of Shane MacGowan Appears in Pile of Guinness-Induced Vomit

Posted on by Chris Bowen

LOWELL, Mass. — Local boozehound Dennis McLaughlin was divinely inspired to continue to drink to the point of incoherence after witnessing an image of former Pogues singer Shane MacGowan in his pile of puke after drinking Guinness for 7 straight hours, sad pasty sources report.

“I felt like I had nothing left to live for or spew up by 2 p.m., that’s how lost I was feeling. But when I looked down at the dark black, fizzing pile of my last barf session and saw Shane’s half-way open, inebriated eyes looking back at me, I was back to annoying people with drunkenly singing ‘Dirty Old Town’ in their faces again in no time,” McLaughlin said. “From that point on, I could tell Shane was by my side keeping me safe, and surprisingly out of the drunk tank, for the rest of the night, and beyond.”

Stacy O’Bright, bartender and owner of “O’Bright’s Bar and Grill,” was bartending the night McLaughlin saw the holy image.

“That guy was a menace. He would periodically keep looking down at the pile of viscous liquid and pickled sausage chunks he barfed up, smile and wink at it, then try starting fist fights with the drunk college kids who were here to do Dropkick Murphys karoake,” O’Bright stated. “This is an Irish bar and grill, you think I want some guy dressed as a leprechaun getting hammered, stumbling all over and causing a scene? I can’t have mine be the laughing stock of all the Irish bars in the area, I have no time for that sort of drunken riff-raff.”

Legendary Boston Irish punk Dennis Sweeny claims Irish punks all over the world have been witnessing Shane MacGowan’s image in the short time since his passing.

“It seems as if wherever there is a drunken Irish punk, Shane is there with them,” Sweeny explained. “As a matter of fact, you don’t necessarily even need to be Irish for him to appear. I have a friend who is originally from Jordan who claims to have seen his face in the toilet bowl during a night of dangerous levels of drinking. He mysteriously started singing ‘A Pair of Brown Eyes,’ after later saying he’d never heard the song before, and continued to drink everyone under the table. It was a St. Patrick’s Day miracle!”

At press time, Irish rocker Bono would inspire those who saw his image in their piles of puke to quit drinking and find rehabilitation immediately.