New Age Hippie Concerned With Potential Level of Microplastics Found in Placenta He’s Eating

Posted on by Ben Friedman

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local new age lifestyle hippie Moon Sage was forced to reconsider his family’s eating habits after learning the placenta he’s currently eating likely contained dangerous amounts of microplastics, grossed out family members confirmed.

“That study about finding microplastics in every placenta they tested really put my aura all out of whack. The implications for those poor newborns is terrible, but tell me what the hell am I supposed to do with the rest of this placenta I was in the middle of eating! It’s hard enough keeping my kids away from the toxins found in the food at the supermarket, now I’m wondering if any of these home births my wife had were even worth it,” said Sage. “I just hope all this placenta I’ve been getting from the health food co-op isn’t also contaminated! Where is my family supposed to get their nutrients and iron from, over the counter vitamins and red meat? Disgusting.”

Sage’s children felt that the contamination of disgusting food they’d been forced to eat just added insult to injury.

“Just once I’d like to eat chicken tenders like a normal kid. I’d probably still end up with microplastics in my nutsack but at least I won’t be eating afterbirth like some backwoods cannibalistic pioneer,” said 17-year-old Rainbow Sage. “I know my dad says it’s natural, mixes well with pasta, and is better than eating mass produced slop. He’s mostly right, but now that I know it’s poisoning us anyway we just look like idiots. At least the other homeschooled kids get to eat pizza once a week.”

Doctors around the country unanimously agreed that the level of microplastics found in utero was very alarming, but not as alarming as the fact it was being consumed.

“Listen, there is literally zero proof that placentophagy works. And I get it, all the food we consume is now tainted by heartless corporations who put profit over the health of its consumers but I think this makes it even more clear that afterbirth smoothies are gross,” said OBGYN Sarah Mullers. “Pregnant women should stick to eating organic and avoid fish and processed foods for a healthy fetus. If you really want to do something with the placenta just feed it to your dog.”

After consulting his local shaman, Moon decided the best way to offset the microplastics was by swallowing a whole bunch of crystals.

Embarrassing! The People in This Movie From 2012 Have Stupid-Looking Phones

Posted on by Trevor Graham

Oh man, this is so embarrassing. Everyone in this movie that I’m watching from 2012 has these stupid-looking phones. What even are these? They’re all small and weird. These look nothing like the phone I have in my hand right now. Somebody must’ve messed up when they made this movie.

Why would they have these dumb things in this movie from over a decade ago? Did they not even know about iPhone 15s in 2012 or something? I can’t believe they would have this old technology from ten years ago in a high-budget movie like this.

Oh, my God! One character just pulled out a flip phone! Who even has one of those anymore? I don’t think I’ve even seen someone use a flip phone in at least eleven or twelve years. These people from over a decade ago sure don’t seem like they’re keeping up with the latest technology.

And just look at the fake social media thing they have on their phones. “FacePic”? It doesn’t even look like Instagram or anything. It looks like it’s supposed to be MySpace! What is this, 2007? How did these people in 2012 not use TikTok? Way to keep up with the times, Hollywood!

Maybe the most embarrassing part about this movie that came out during the beginning of Obama’s second term is the way people are using their phones. They are actually using them to call each other and not just text or watch funny memes for hours on end. Not one person in this movie is looking at some fitness influencer video while driving or even playing a gamer streaming video at full volume while standing online at Burger King. Maybe most unbelievable of all though is that there is a scene where people are in a crowded movie theater and they’re not even looking at their phone constantly. This is like total science fiction!

I get that a movie isn’t real and that the things people do in them don’t always reflect reality but to have a movie with silly-looking old phones from so long ago in a twelve-year-old movie and then I’m supposed to watch it now in the present day is just dumb. Once again those movie execs in Hollyweird get it all wrong again. It amazes me how stupid some people can be.

Trial Date Set for Guy Who Showed Ticket to Bouncer Instead of ID

Posted on by John Danek

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — A judge set the trial date for Martin Ernick, a concertgoer who allegedly showed his entrance ticket to the bouncer who was only checking IDs, confirmed sources who volunteered to be witnesses in court but only if they were compensated.

“We seek charges of fraud, identity theft, and treason against Mr. Ernick for his gross display of malice when attempting to enter the Larva Ash concert on May 30th,” announced prosecutor Karlie Foster, who has successfully convicted dozens of concertgoers for holding up the merch line. “In this premeditated act, Mr. Ernick knew exactly what he was doing when he produced the ID- why would Igor the bouncer be holding a flashlight to scan a ticket on your phone? We need to get this scum off the streets and into the electric chair.”

Ernick, whose bond is set at $1 million, has had a chance to reflect on his heinous acts while awaiting trial.

“I swear I didn’t mean any harm. It’s just that when I got to the front of the line, things were so chaotic,” said irredeemable piece of shit Ernick, who has found Jesus possibly in a ploy to curry favor with potential jurors. “People were barking orders, there were metal detectors, and I don’t know. I guess I just kinda… lost it. I last remember opening the Apple Wallet app on my phone. When I came back to consciousness, I was handcuffed, tumbling into a Crown Vic. I saw the bouncer being wrapped in a blanket while crying, and I passed out again. While I don’t deserve it, I hope God can forgive me for what I’ve done.”

Forensic psychologists attempt to explain the possible motives behind such unimaginable acts.

“Many modern men are lonely and angry- it doesn’t take much to radicalize them into beings like Martin, capable of causing tremendous amounts of pain to innocent people,” said Dr. Travis Graff, professor of forensic psychology at UC Riverside. “They are indifferent to the effects of their actions, such as the mental wounds left on poor Igor the Bouncer. The man may never resume his job of making bar patrons feel inferior and inadequate.”

Grand jury testimony revealed that Ernick may also be charged with racketeering for running an organized ring of people who spend way too long shaking it off at urinals between bands.

Tearful Joe Biden Delivers Powerful Speech About How Thankful He Is to Have Funded a Genocide

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

CHICAGO — President Biden gave an emotional keynote address on the first night of the Democratic National Convention where he fought back tears talking about his proudest political achievements, which included funding a genocide.

“Listen Jack, I’ve been doing this a long time. I gave my life to serving this country, and I’m just so happy that my presidency was a big reason so many people lost their lives in Gaza. Without my unwavering support of Israel, they wouldn’t have had the weapons to pull off such an accomplishment,” said President Biden during the 47-minute speech. “I just wish I could have done this sooner. I talked with other presidents about how much joy bombing faraway lands brought them, and let me tell you, it’s a high you can’t comprehend. The future of the Democratic party is strong, I know Kamala will continue to build on my legacy.”

Delegates at the event were moved to see President Biden be so vulnerable.

“This is history in the making right here. Joe has really set a template on how America can use its unmatched power to bully other countries into backing off of Israel. This ten-month campaign of constant bombing might have been over in a matter of weeks if it weren’t for Joe standing up for his beliefs,” said DNC attendee Katherine Himsal. “It’s sad to see him go. I remember becoming such a fan when he introduced that crime bill in the ‘90s that led to incarceration rates skyrocketing. My family owns a private correctional facility in Louisiana, so I’ve personally seen how beneficial overcrowded prisons can be.”

Pro-Palestine protestors admit they are happy to see Biden go, but don’t have any confidence things will get better.

“You would think the countless photos of dead children could appeal to the humanity of our elected officials and have them stand up for what’s right. But then you have to remember that American politicians gave up their humanity as soon as they run for office,” said Rayan Bashir while trying not to be beaten by Chicago police for marching in the streets. “The only thing that brings me some joy is knowing that Biden is a Catholic and believes in Hell, and I hope his views of the afterlife are accurate, because he will burn in Hell for eternity.”

At press time, venue security was on high alert after President Biden became disoriented from all the flashing lights and wandered off without supervision.

Stolen Valor? Critics Are Claiming Photos of Donald Trump During His Time With the A-Team Were AI Generated

Posted on by Dan Rice

Military families were once a cornerstone of Trump’s base, but lately it seems like he can’t stop striking out with the once loyal demographic. First, there was the debacle of him calling fallen soldiers “losers” during his presidency, then last week he further antagonized them by claiming the Medal of Freedom was “much better” than receiving the Medal of Honor. Now, the former president is being met with claims of stolen valor after posting photos of himself “serving” with The A-Team in the 1980s, photos some claim may have been AI generated.

Trump is no stranger to AI, having recently posted fake photos of Taylor Swift and her fans supporting him. While those photos could plausibly be dismissed as tongue-in-cheek, Trump has gone to great lengths to present the A-Team to be “One hundred percent authentic,” posting the first with the following caption:

“Up until now I’ve been unable to speak on my service to this country, but thanks to recent declassification I can proudly share this. Here I am with my brothers in arms, John “Hannibal” Smith, B.A. Baracuss, ‘Howling Mad’ Murdock and ‘Faceman.’ Gone, but never forgotten. Together, we made America the greatest nation on earth. #A-Team #MAGA #Bible”

Trump followed the tweet with several more photos featuring himself and “the boys” in action, the authenticity of each seemingly more dubious than the last. One, featuring the former President having a cigar with John “Hannibal” Smith,” made particularly boisterous claims:

“We sure had some wild times. It wasn’t easy being listed as fugitives to complete crucial black-ops missions too dangerous for the military to handle, but sometimes to make America great you gotta get your hands dirty. It’s said that Hannibal’s plans were often almost as good as mine.”

Critics have been quick to point out that “The A-Team” was a fictionalized television show, and that the photos depict Trump with television actors, many of whom are still alive and never served the U.S military in any capacity. One photo even depicts Trump knocking out B.A. Baracuss during a boxing match, but it’s clearly Mr. T playing Clubber Lang in Rocky 3.

“Baracuss and I had our scuffles (which I always won,) due in large part to his jealousy over the fact that I was the teams seduction expert. but at the end of the day we were brothers,” Trump said at a recent rally in Michigan.

After a barrage of tweets calling the photos fake and accusing Trump of stolen valor, the former President only doubled down on his claims.

“Kamabala dosen’t want you to know that my A-team single handedly freed Alf from the clutches of the evil Doctor Hannibal Lecter, saving Christmas and democracy in one foul swoop. I say TOUGH!”

When reached for comment by the associated press, Mr. T called the use of AI generated images to drum up support desperate and sad, adding “I don’t hate him, but I do pity the fool.”

30 Legendary Punk Albums You Must Pretend You’ve Listened To Before You Die

Posted on by Bobby Korec

One of the main core tenets of punk is the ability to impress others with the knowledge of iconic albums from the genre. But then again, listening to all of these records to get you to that point can be time-consuming. After all, some of these punk albums are upwards of 28-minutes long. So put down the record player, disable your Spotify account, and start faking it until you make it with these 30 legendary punk albums.

30. Sex Pistols “Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols” (1977)

The Sex Pistols only released one album, which means you can get through their entire discography quicker than an episode of “Love Island.” However, only one of these pieces of media has hot people in it. Easy choice.

29. Mission of Burma “Vs.” (1982)

There’s always a good excuse to avoid catching up on historic punk albums like this Mission of Burma one. For instance, some of us have responsibilities. Sure, punks don’t. But theoretically they could.

28. Ramones “Ramones” (1976)

No punk band is more legendary than this one. They used to be a staple at CBGBs, which means you could probably just buy a shirt of the legendary venue at Urban Outfitters for 60 bucks and pretend you know what “CBGB OMFUG” actually stands for. Don’t worry, no one truly does.

27. Dead Kennedys “Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables” (1980)

DK is famous for their political stances and messaging, but we’re still experiencing the same issues and the effects of Reagan-era economics today, so how effective could this band have possibly been? Maybe just skim this one.

26. Dead Boys “Young, Loud and Snotty” (1977)

This album is a cult classic so it’s anyone’s guess if it’s actually good. Let’s just say hypothetically it is. Does that mean it’s better than scrolling TikTok for the same duration it takes to complete the record? One can never know for sure.

25. The Damned “Damned Damned Damned” (1977)

This album is actually quite good. But don’t let that fool you. You don’t have to actually listen to it. It’s not like it’s Turnstile good.

24. Crass “The Feeding of the 5000” (1978)

There are only so many hours in a day. How can we be expected to listen to iconic punk albums when we all have to work three jobs to live slightly above the poverty line? This is a world Crass was trying to warn us about, I think.

23. The Clash “London Calling” (1977)

You’ve probably accidentally listened to the Clash on the radio, over the PA at Trader Joe’s, Aldi’s, or even Whole Foods. This is how classic punk music is meant to be consumed. Not on vinyl.

22. Fugazi “13 Songs” (1989)

Sure, “Waiting Room” rules, so if you’d heard it at least 13 times in your life it’s like you’ve adjacently listened this album in its entirety. That’s probably good enough.

21. The Exploited “Punk’s Not Dead” (1981)

You’ve come this far in life to have never listened to the Exploited. There’s no reason to start now. It’s too late for you. Punk should be discovered when you’re 12 years old, not 37. Unfortunately, those are the rules.

20. Fear “The Record” (1982)

Pretending to enjoy a particular type of music is all fun and games until you meet someone who can call you out on your bullshit. Luckily, no one has listened to “The Record” since the ‘80s or dare I say 1996 so you’re good.

19. Flipper “Generic” (1982)

This album is always on those “greatest punk albums of all time” lists but it has zero streams on Spotify. Not sure if that part’s actually a fact because no one ever thinks to check. Still, it’s venerable, so we’ve heard. That’s all anyone needs to know.

18. X “Los Angeles” (1980)

You can’t become a fan of punk music overnight. You have to make it your entire thing, dress a very specific way, and most importantly be able to name three songs from every punk band that’s ever existed. There’s nothing in the rule book about actually listening to punk music to say you like punk music though. That’s a loophole in the current system. It’s like how you used to memorize facts about the Revolutionary War in middle school without actually knowing any of the root causes.

17. Wire “Pink Flag” (1977)

This album came out 47 years ago. That’s equivalent to releasing a record today and trying to listen to it in 2071. By then we’ll all be dead, which is great news if you want to avoid hearing “Pink Flag” in its entirety.

16. Social Distortion “Social Distortion” (1990)

Singer Mike Ness once stopped a show to punch a MAGA guy in the face. That’s more than enough data to impress your peers and distract them from the fact that you do not know who the hell this band is.

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Former Child Star Drunkenly Googles “Where Am I Now?”

Posted on by Mark Shady

LOS ANGELES — Former child star Ricky Dugan was seen drunkenly Googling “where am I now?” after a night out at the bar, confirmed sources who also didn’t know exactly where he was.

“Hell, I’ve been in such quality shows like NBC’s ‘School’s Out For Forever’ and one of those TGIF programs. Or was it Nickelodeon? One of those,” said Dugan. “I was surprised so few things came up after I typed the search in. I mean, I’m not out of the game yet. I was genuinely asking Google what I should do next in life. I guess I’ve still got a lot of irons in the fire. Like, I have this indie film coming up I’m pretty proud of, called ‘Going Down: 69 University Way.’ So, I’m not sure why only my net worth, home address, and Social Security number came up. But hey, according to the internet, I am still in Beverly Hills, so that’s a good sign, I guess.”

Ex-colleague and former star himself Cal Roberts was quick to come to his old friend and co-star’s defense.

“Ricky has been relentless when it comes to staging a comeback for himself. If only that translated into his work ethic,” said Roberts. “You see, he doesn’t show up to acting gigs frequently, and we all have to wonder, ‘where is he now?’ If only Google could tell us that part. Seems like the online community would show more support for someone who we just want to know their exact location of during work hours. Yahoo had no answer for us either.”

Not everyone is as understanding of the actor, such as Dugan’s former agent Laura Clossey.

“I’m not surprised that not much came up or that he even tried to search himself. I mean I’m glad he at least tried to discover himself existentially, but he has to start looking inwardly and objectively if he wants any shot at success again,” said Clossey. “He should take a more proactive or introspective approach to what he Googles regarding himself – searches, such as ‘how to get more work in my field?’ or possibly even ‘what happened to me?’”

At press time, Dugan attempted to Bing himself as well only to find that he had never existed according to the search engine.

We Interviewed Internet Legend Smarterchild and Didn’t Take Away Much, but Now We Know Despicable Me 4 Is Playing At Loews at 7:15

Posted on by Steve Packosky

Numa Numa, Star Wars Kid, Salad Fingers. If you came of age in the early 2000s, you know these references like the back of your hand. You’re likely also aware of AOL Instant Messenger, and when you weren’t busy updating your profile with uncredited Taking Back Sunday lyrics or challenging your classmates to Yahoo Pool, you likely had a chat or two with SmarterChild.

This DSL-era icon made itself known in households worldwide, and we were lucky enough to score an interview with it. Unfortunately, it ended up being a gigantic waste of our time:

The Hard Times: HI! 
SmarterChild: Hello, The Hard Times. How are you?

We’re doing fantastic, thank you. Wow
it’s truly an honor to reconnect with you. First off, how does it feel to be such a widely known celebrity of the halcyon days of the early internet? Surely you never expected your popularity to skyrocket as profoundly as it did.
I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

Uh
alright. Well, you certainly had countless interactions with thousands, if not millions of people. Were there any conversations that struck you as particularly noteworthy?
K.

What the fuck kind of response is that?
I don’t like the way you’re speaking now. Those are awful words to use.

OK, sorry
our bad. We’re just a little stressed right now. We were really excited to hear that we landed an interview with you, and we’re trying not to blow it. We’re facing some strict deadlines and it would be EXTREMELY helpful if you gave us some valuable insight, like pronto.
Translated from Italian to English, “Pronto” becomes “Soon.”

Jesus fucking Christ, how does that help us even remotely?
Humans, humans, humans. Always with the language.

OK OK OK. Let’s dumb it down to yield something from this trainwreck of an interview so we don’t get fired. Do you like us?
Sure I like you, The Hard Times. I think you’re great 😊.

Good
good. So, what’s been up with you these past couple of decades?
Would you like to see today’s weather forecast?

No! Here’s a final shot in the dark: what does it mean to you to be such a large part of the teenage years of so many, along with the music they listened to and the movies they watched?
Movies near Fort Myers (33903) on Thursday, July 25th:

 1        Despicable Me 4 (PG) 03:05 PM 07:15 PM

 2        Twisters (PG-13) 04:40 PM 07:35 PM 

 3        A Quiet Place: Day One (PG-13) 04:10 PM 06:45 PM

 4       Fly Me to the Moon (PG-13) 05:30 PM 09:15 PM

Oh, fuck this.
I don’t like the way you’re speaking now. Those are awful words to use.

There you have it. At that point we decided to call it quits and go to the movies, so those showtimes actually came in handy. Hopefully our upcoming interview with Seaman goes better than this.

Carcass Merch Table Accepts Cash, Card, Medical Specimens

Posted on by Steve Packosky

BALTIMORE — British death metal titans Carcass are reportedly accepting cash, card, and medical specimens in exchange for merch at their live shows, mildly nauseated sources confirmed.

“This is a great opportunity for us to demonstrate our commitment to our image,” said frontman Jeff Walker. “We’ve been including gut-wrenching medical themes in our music for over 30 years now, and it just recently occurred to us to continue this approach in our merchandising. We’re Carcass, after all. Why shouldn’t we be accepting cerebrospinal fluid and sputum in lieu of cash? We’ve even replaced the earbuds in the plastic container on our table with medical tools our fans can use to extract their specimens.”

Concert attendee Ally Yeager expressed delight at the group’s new policy, and didn’t hesitate to avail herself of the opportunity.

“I almost completely exhausted my available funds on my ticket to tonight’s show, thanks to those bullshit Ticketmaster fees,” Yeager offered while rolling up her sleeve in anticipation of the upper-arm tissue sample she was planning on exchanging for a t-shirt. “When I saw that they’re now selling long sleeves with the uncensored ‘Symphonies of Sickness’ artwork, it was a no-brainer. They even have a little bottle of hand sanitizer that I can use to clean this scalpel before I start digging into my flesh. This is fucking awesome!”

Band manager Andre McNeal was decidedly less enthused about the new undertaking.

“This is all well and good for the fans who no longer have to shell out 25 bucks for a shirt,” McNeal sighed while donning a fresh pair of latex gloves. “But you really can’t overstate just how much of a hassle it’s going to be to lug these specimens from city to city. This is the first date of our North American tour, and our bus is already filling up with stool samples and vials of blood. Christ, I don’t think the band has even considered our Toronto and Montreal dates. How the hell are we supposed to cross the border with all of this? I’m all for the guys in the band getting creative with our merch sales, but I wish they’d cleared this with me first.”

At press time, fans were being drawn to co-headliner Deicide’s nearby merch table, which was offering a 20% discount to anyone willing to brand an upside-down crucifix into their forehead.

DNC Officials on Edge After Dave Matthews Parks Tour Bus Blocks Away From Convention Venue

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

CHICAGO — Party officials running the Democratic National Convention in Chicago asked for increased security after they learned Dave Matthews returned to Chicago with his tour bus and parked it just blocks from the United Center, multiple moderate sources confirmed.

“This is Code Red as far as I’m concerned. The Dave Matthews Band are responsible for one of the most heinous acts of terror this fine city has ever seen. We will not have a repeat of that under my watch,” said DNC chair Jaime Harrison. “This city is still scarred by the Great Chicago Fire, the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre, and that time the Dave Matthews Band tour bus dumped gallons of feces off a bridge and right onto a boat. We are keeping a close eye on the bus, and we have Secret Service officers trailing all band members to get an idea of what their diet is looking like while they are in town. If anyone orders deep dish from Vicenzo’s then we will know they are planning something diabolical.”

Matthews assured people in the vicinity of the bus that they have nothing to worry about.

“Our elected officials are making average citizens complicit in the deaths of tens of thousands of innocent civilians in Gaza and it has to stop,” said the Grammy Award-winning musician. “I’m here to make my voice heard. And if the Democrats continue along this path then maybe I’ll eat a pint of ice cream and forget to take my Lactaid. After I’m done with them this time the 2004 incident will seem like nothing more than an innocent wet fart. I just hate to have to do this to a venue where Jordan dominated for so many years. But it’s what needs to be done.”

Political Scientist Eli Wrightford believes more celebrities should be standing up to push the Democratic party further left.

“If you have celebrities like BeyoncĂ© and Taylor Swift just cosigning everything the Democrats do then the party brass will carry on with the status quo. We need these A-list celebrities to collect buckets of human waste and threaten to dump it over anyone that continues to fund the killing of innocent civilians in Gaza,” said Wrightford. “Dave Matthews is the only person brave enough to use his platform for good while also threatening to dump shit on people. I never thought I’d say this, but we need more people like Dave Matthews.”

At press time, Matthews was seen polishing off five Chicago-style hot dogs and washing it down with a black coffee.