Every NFL Starting Quarterback Ranked By Their Likelihood to Have Their Fingers Bitten Off By a Komodo Dragon By Midseason

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Behold! Football is upon us, which means it would be foolish of us not to provide an official power ranking of every NFL starting quarterback. This way, people who still call it “sportsball” to show off their magnificent indifference can get caught up to speed and avoid feeling left out of conversations. Not to mention that it’s also Komodo dragon season, which just seems to come earlier and earlier every year.

So forget every other ranking out there and feast your eyes upon this list of every starting quarterback ranked by their likelihood to have their fingers bitten sqaure off by a Komodo dragon by week eight or nine.

32. Geno Smith, Seattle Seahawks

Geno played for the Jets and lived to tell the tale. From his experience navigating professional sports dumpster fires, he knows better than to put himself in a precarious situation where a Jurassic Park-like dinosaur lizard could potentially mangle his hands.

31. Lamar Jackson, Baltimore Ravens

Running quarterbacks are known to be fast, elusive, and adept at escaping Komodo dragon encounters in the pocket. Lamar is a sure bet to end the season with all 10 of his fingers because of his elite rushing upside. Put money on that.

30. Gardner Minshew, Las Vegas Raiders

Gardner comes from a long line of highly successful Komodo breeders so he knows his way around lizard mouths. Sure, his father may have lost his pinky finger in 2002 to a routine biting incident, but Gardner has learned from the mistakes of his ancestors and has had applied that to his NFL career.

29. Anthony Richardson, Indianapolis Colts

Komodo dragons can reach speeds of up to 12 miles per hour in short bursts. Luckily, Anthony can do five or six times that, so most wild animals don’t stand a chance. Not even these endangered ones who can’t even get their shit together and reproduce. He’ll easily outperform Komodo-threat expectations this year.

28. Jared Goff, Detroit Lions

Jared seems to have had a renaissance in Detroit. He’s even made the Lions a good football team. It is way harder to make the Detroit Lions a respectable franchise than it is to leave the Komodo dragon exhibit with all of your digits. Goff is lizard-proof.

27. Caleb Williams, Chicago Bears

Caleb was drafted first overall this year thanks to his elite arm, accuracy, and pocket awareness. He’s one of the best prospects since Peyton Manning, and that guy finished his career without sustaining a single apex predator attack during the season.

26. Jordan Love, Green Bay Packers

We all know Komodo dragons hate cold weather so they will be nowhere near Lambeau Field. If they ever figured out how to manufacture little sweaters for themselves, they would end us all individually. Thanks to the failures of evolution, Jordan is one of the safest bets against Komodo danger in the NFL this year.

25. Patrick Mahomes, Kansas City Chiefs

Mahomes has a vested interest in keeping his fingers intact because it’s stipulated in his contract that if he were to ever lose any appendages from a wild animal encounter he would have to forfeit any guaranteed money he’s owed. That’s why you never see Patrick at zoos, pet adoption locations, or BYO Komodo dragon parties.

24. Bryce Young, Carolina Panthers

The biggest knock against Bryce is that he has small hands. This may not be ideal for an NFL quarterback, but it actually works tremendously in his favor during an unexpected encounter with a menacing Komodo dragon because it means his fingers will be harder to sink one’s teeth into. Bryce has a very promising reptile-precluding career ahead of him.

23. Josh Allen, Buffalo Bills

Josh is one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL. You think a 200-pound lizard can take him down? Please, he has to deal with Buffalo Bills fans on a daily basis. Komodo dragons are nothing in comparison.

22. Jalen Hurts, Philadelphia Eagles

Komodo dragons have been known to dig up human corpses from cemeteries and eat them. Luckily, Jalen is very much alive so he won’t have to worry about that this year. However, Jalen’s great grandparents are not safe. Someone check on their graves.

21. Dak Prescott, Dallas Cowboys

Dak has spent the entire offseason on his conditioning and practicing fending off Komodo dragons. Unfortunately, he’s been using chameleons as a stand-in. Everyone knows they’re not the same, but it’s still better than not training at all. Dak should be fine. If anything, he’ll know when a Komodo dragon changes colors, if they even do that.

20. Kyler Murray, Arizona Cardinals

The United States doesn’t have any Komodo dragons, but if they were going to magically appear somewhere, it would definitely be in Arizona. Specifically, in Glendale. This state has been preparing for this sort of invasion for decades. That’s why they do Komodo dragon drills in elementary school where they hide under their desk after they sound an alarm. This is also part of the Cardinals’ team drills, so Kyler should be prepared.

19. Jacoby Brissett, New England Patriots

Jacoby has been on five different teams in his NFL career. If he was going to get annihilated by a humongous lizard it would have happened already and definitely when he played for the Browns.

18. Tua Tagovailoa, Miami Dolphins

Miami is a party city and every October they hold the Running of the Komodo Dragons where participants get the chance to run from stampeding monitor lizards. The Dolphins are known to run in the event as a team-building exercise every year, so Tua has experience averting reptilian danger. Tyreek Hill always wins though, but their backup kicker always gets torn to shreds.

17. Joe Burrow, Cincinnati Bengals

Joe Burrow was actually out for much of last year due to a lingering Komodo dragon attack that resulted in him losing half of his calf muscle. These kinds of soft tissue injuries are not likely to spread to your fingers so he should be fine this year.

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25 Alkaline Trio Songs Ranked by How Easily You Can Sneak Them Into a Halloween Party Playlist Without Anyone Noticing

Posted on by James Knapp

It’s September, which basically means it’s Halloween and Alkaline Trio have long held the distinction of being the spookiest boys, who are actually grown men, in all of contemporary punk. And if you’re reading this, then you’re likely nine pumpkin-flavored rum drinks deep and about to hit on someone whose costume appears to be “slutty coffin maker.” But how can you be expected to make a move when you’ve been stuck listening to the “Monster Mash” on repeat for the last four hours?

Well, you’re in luck! Because in listening to Alkaline Trio in preparation for the season we’ve ranked all of the band’s Halloween-iest songs that you can slip into that shared Spotify playlist without anyone but you and that sexy casket aficionado noticing. Here’s our list of 25 Alkaline Trio songs ranked by spook factor. (Listen to the playlist, click here)

25. I’m Dying Tomorrow

Starting off with a pretty low bar choice here. “I’m Dying Tomorrow” is barely spooky in comparison to the rest of Alkaline Trio’s catalog, but it’s still a song about partying in the face of your own mortality so by that metric it deserves at least inclusion on this list.

24. The Torture Doctor

When this song title suddenly appears in the shared playlist you might clock a few confused looks around the room. But don’t worry – once it starts playing you’re going to get a whole lot more confused looks and it won’t seem to matter anymore.

23. Dead End Road

A song about childhood trauma isn’t necessarily the best thing to slip into a Halloween playlist, but thinking back on just about every autumn dance we went to in junior high, it isn’t exactly the worst thing either.

22. Lead Poisoning

Think of “Lead Poisoning” as the song that starts playing right before someone decides to streak the whole party wearing only a lampshade on their head. Sure, it’s not that spooky, and yes that guy was not dressed as a lamp when the party began, but if it fits with the whole vibe of what’s going on then who’s going to call it out on the playlist.

21. Sweet Vampires

Hey, you better think about starting to make your move on the slutty coffin maker here soon. There are three different dudes dressed as Beetlejuice who all seem to have had the same idea as you.

20. Warbrain

Melodically “Warbrain” has the same tone as being chased through the woods by Slenderman would feel. Maudlin lyrics as well, but a few odd glances aside, we doubt anyone will notice you got it onto the Bluetooth.

19. Radio

Honestly, this song isn’t really spooky at all. But we’re legally obligated to include it in any article referencing Alkaline Trio, so here it is – if you’re a part of the band’s legal counsel this is where you can stop reading.

18. Sadie

An in-depth exploration of the Manson family murders definitely fits the kind of vibe you’re going for, and that opening guitar riff is haunting in all the right ways. Just hope that no one is paying too close attention to the lyrics or you’re gonna get busted and likely labeled as a sociopath.

17. Goodbye Forever

One of these days we’re going to figure out which Crowley book it was specifically that diverted Alkaline Trio away from pretty run-of-the-mill spook punk and into full-on “Dracula’s house band” mode. This song represents the former.

16. As You Were

This song will speed by before most people will even have been aware that it was playing. But for the handful who maybe catch the last few chords it’s still sufficiently Halloweeny to not upset the people who are clearly only at the party because they’re someone’s coworker paying back a favor.

15. Bad Time

Hurry up and make your move! One of the Beetlejuices is circling!

14. Calling All Skeletons

This remarkably catchy song won’t necessarily go unnoticed, as it is impossible to hear it without immediately seeking out the nearest skeletal rib cage to play like a xylophone. But even though it may engage the other partygoers no one would dare ask “who in the hell put this on?” without it being intended as congratulatory.

13. Draculina

What is it with guys and their fucking puns? I guess we’ll say, to their credit, it’s pretty impressive to run a streak of coolness like they have considering some of the spookarific turns of phrase they’ve decided to name their songs and albums. But yeah, anyway, “Draculina” is fine.

12. She Took Him To the Lake

This one will go unnoticed by everyone except for one guy dressed as The Crow who is going to ask you if “the Misfits have a new lead singer” because he doesn’t recognize it before walking away. It’s fine – this is not a person you want in your life anyway.

11. Sun Dials

Save this one for later in the night, when everyone is already hammered and there have been at least three injuries related to pumpkin carving. It’s spooky enough to blow past anybody at that point.

10. Blue Carolina

All three Beetlejuices are in the bathroom. Go! Go! Go!

9. Tuck Me In

“Tuck Me In” would fit in perfectly with any “Sounds of Ghouls” sound effects CD playing on your neighbor’s patio as they hand out perfectly razor-blade-laden candy to all those little brats running around dressed as spider-men, and it will work fine for this progressively more morbid party playlist as well.

8. Smoke

Are you supposed to slow dance to Halloween music? Like, probably right? Like how a Dracula would? If so, try it with this one – it’s just got that sort of mood to it.

7. Sleepyhead

There’s a longshot chance that one person might notice it when you try to slip this song onto the playlist, but that’s only because you cut “I Put a Spell on You” off right in the middle, so really this one is on your crappy timing.

6. Donner Party (All Night)

Who doesn’t like a good tune about gruesome survival cannibalism? No one! That’s who! No one’s even going to give a shit as this song reminds them to check the snack table one more time before all of the buffalo wings are gone.

5. I Lied My Face Off

Never mind, the sexy Cryptkeeper left already. Shit. Well, let’s finish fucking up this playlist already.

4. Blackbird

This song sounds like it could have come straight out of a Tim Burton movie about the Air Force. It’s got a creepy tone, creepier lyrics, and the guy who produced it was a literal murder of crows. Yep, this one fits right in.

3. Private Eye

Arguably the best song ever written about Dick Tracey, “Private Eye” could give “Spooky Scary Skeletons” a run for its money as a Halloween staple. Though any Alkaline Trio fan ever made is gonna recognize that opening guitar riff, not a one of them is going to call you out for sneaking it onto this playlist.

2. We’ve Had Enough

For a song about the rampant commercialism in mainstream rock, the imagery of eyeless angels and orphan corpses pretty much tracks for the era in which it was written. Regardless, the overwhelming hardcore spookiness of “We’ve Had Enough” more than meets party playlist criteria.

1. Time To Waste

This song may have actually been written specifically for a haunted house sound effects CD – one crafted under the influence of ketamine, mind you, but for that purpose all the same. “Time To Waste” is a fantastic song for whether you’re slipping unnoticed into a Halloween playlist or breaking into a gated cemetery to steal teeth for whatever weird purpose you would need to steal teeth for. Now go enjoy that playlist – it may be the last thing you ever do. Oooooooooooooooooh!

Listen to the playlist:

Math Rock Waiter Doesn’t Mind If You Split the Check

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Local Fangles Family Kitchen server and math rock fan Dave Morgan eagerly accommodated a request to split a check as a demonstration of his love of complex nonstandard calculations, relieved sources confirmed.

“Most waiters scoff when a 10-top orders drinks, apps from the discounted happy hour menu, fries for the table, then split four 3-For-Me dinners, and want to put it on seven separate cards, each paying for part of the birthday girl’s meal. It spawns a massive argument. But I love a mathematical challenge,” said Morgan, guitarist and programmer for mathcore band Tinkerer, as he wiped mustard off a King Crimson pin on his work vest. “Where else can you do complicated computations for an average of 17.3% gratuity? I’m going to be able to afford a new sequencer in no time.”

Local patron Heather Dickinson was excited to hear about Morgan’s eagerness to accommodate an otherwise restaurant bill disaster.

“Elizabeth insisted on Fangles for birthday happy hour, and the waiters usually are so pissy about the littlest request. But greasy glasses guy can handle checking the balance on multiple gift cards while splitting credit, debit, half cash half card, and a Groupon,” said Dickinson, Norwood Middle School Expository Writing Teacher and birthday outing organizer. “He just never gets the dressing right on my Southwest Caesar because he’s too busy tapping his notepad with irregular starts and stops. Small price to pay.”

Consumer advocacy groups applauded employees who are really into math rock for their work ethic.

“Restaurants don’t care about service and hospitality anymore. Customers are sick of going to a burger joint where servers can’t count change, and getting eye rolls when you want an Arnold Palmer that’s 80% iced tea, 20% lemonade,” said consumer expert Brennan Ling. “Math rock nerds can do it all with ease. We strongly encourage the hiring of these types of musicians for the benefit of diners and coworkers. They are rarely hungover, will work brunch shifts instead of weekend nights, and have already memorized the price on every menu item.”

At press time, Morgan’s eyes lit up after he was informed that the restaurant’s internal system was down and he had to calculate diners’ checks manually.

Opinion: It’s Time to Stop Letting Politics Divide Us and Start Building a Time Machine to Go Back and Help Bill and Ted Get an A+ in History

Posted on by Dan Rice

Words like “hope” and “optimism” have been going around a lot the last few weeks, but if you ask me, we’re just settling. Sure, it’s nice not to feel like we’re on the brink of global fascism for a little while and sure, Kamala Harris and Tim Walz are, nice, or whatever. But are they going to make us all be excellent to each other? Will they bolster our infrastructure to the point where we have more awesome waterslides than any planet we’re in contact with? Why are we so joyfully accepting a band-aid to our growing turmoil when we’ve known the solution since 1989?

It’s time we all set politics aside and pool our national, or better yet global resources into perfecting time travel technology so Bill and Ted can ace their history report and lead us into utopia.

We’ve all seen what could be. The lack of war, the abundance of resources, the adaption of “Party on dudes” as a universal hello and goodbye. Why in God’s name are we settling for anything less? Do we want leaders who are maybe going to make late-stage capitalism suck a little bit less for a couple of years or do we want leaders who wear retro-futurist robes and sunglasses indoors who can make music by air guitaring somehow? We need to stop being so short-sighted and we need to start setting The Excellent Ones on the path that will lead us all to a brighter tomorrow.

I know what you’re thinking—” Aren’t Keanu Reeves and Alex Winters getting a little old? Isn’t George Carlin dead?” Well, that’s what’s so great about a time machine—it’s a time machine! Once you realize the possibilities time travel opens up, any alternatives become most heinous by comparison.

It’s been 25 years since that movie came out and I am most devastated to report that in all that time we have not made one step forward toward making it a reality. If anything, we’ve gotten further away from it! We don’t even have regular phone booths anymore, let alone a phone booth that can round up the likes of Socrates, Billy the Kid, and Abraham Lincoln. Right now Station are looking down at us from heaven thinking “Shouldn’t those bodacious dudes have come to pick us up by now?”

If we don’t collectively set forth on this excellent adventure now there will be no bogus journey to the idyllic Wild Stallion society that could be, and the only music we’ll be facing will be the shrieking terrors of societal collapse. Call your congressperson today and hum a few bars of “God Gave Rock ‘N’ Roll To You” before we are all just dust in the wind.

Man Who Took Acid Wasn’t Prepared for Sheer Volume of Ugly People in Philadelphia Park

Posted on by Ian Steffé

PHILADELPHIA — Local man Nathan Burke was traumatized by an onslaught of unattractive people in Fairmount Park after he took acid on a picnic blanket with the intent of enjoying a pleasant afternoon, sources report.

“It was perfect. A Brian Eno playlist. A cooler full of ice cream sandwiches. Some nice loose fitting clothes. But nobody ever warns you about avoiding ugly people while you are tripping, and this city is full of trolls,” said a visibly shaken Burke. “This family was having a picnic, eating rotisserie chicken on all fours without their hands. I turned around and these two guys playing frisbee smiled and their chins touched their eyeballs. A sausage and egg Sizzli from Wawa screamed in Portuguese while ducks pecked at it. There was a lady in thick pancake makeup applying eyeshadow with a trowel. Dark swirling holes for eyes. She tried to sell me a Joel Embiid jersey for a butterfly kiss on the cheek. It was too much man. I got the FUCK out of there.”

Burke’s friend and supplier of said acid, Shawn Aparo, offered some perspective of the situation.

“Look, Nathan was in a bad place after his break-up and wanted a hundred years of therapy in a day to move on. But this wasn’t his first rodeo. I figured he would be smart enough to control his environment, but he was the dumbass who wanted to play dice in Fairmount Park,” reported Aparo. “Even if you’re sober, that place is just rowing teams of Buscemi eyes and necklaces of skin tags . Some things you just don’t do. And being on drugs especially is most of those things.”

Among the subjects of Thompson’s hallucinogenic horror was Adrian Danon, 75, a local park regular known for his eyepatch.

“Oh yeah, the young fella screamed when he saw me. Thought I was a pirate of some sort I suppose,” Danon recounted. “I’m used to it at this point. Kids these days are too sensitive. Back in my day, we didn’t have drugs to blame when we saw an ugly face. We just married it. We loved it. Made a life with it. That’s the Philadelphia way. You know, you get past the arms and legs covered in scabs, the yellow teeth, and hope to God that face won’t kill nobody.”

As of press time, Burke is recovering and swears to stay away from Kensington for the rest of his natural life.

Every Character From “The Matrix” Ranked by How Likely They Would Try to Get You to Invest in Crypto

Posted on by Trevor Graham

The world of “The Matrix” is a confusing apocalyptic hellscape built on technology inhabited by weirdos in cringey sunglasses who listen to terrible techno music and wield katanas while having a god complex about taking the red pill. So basically it’s exactly like the world of cryptocurrency in our present-day real-world dystopia.

The characters from “The Matrix” may be fictional, but so is the value of crypto. So we spooned up a bowl of protein mush and jacked into this world to rank every one of these characters based on how likely they would tell you to spend your money in the fake world of cryptocurrency.

Welcome to the desert of the real… insufferable assholes.

27. Spoon Boy

This self-righteous little twerp is probably too busy being all arrogant about his spoon-bending parlor tricks to pay attention to crypto. Although when asked what the value of Bitcoin is he would probably say “The truth is… there is no value.” And in this regard, he’s actually right.

26. Councilor Hamann

A boomer who has used his privilege to rise to a high level of power and is enamored by the water filtration system of Zion without understanding how any of it works. He’s not really the type to fully grasp what crypto is and is also probably too busy forwarding an AI-generated image of Kamala Harris eating a baby he saw on Facebook to get you to invest in anything.

25. Neo

Even though he is The Chosen One, ol’ Copper Top over here is too confused about what is happening in his surroundings to even know what a blockchain is. Sure, he can fly and bend reality and dodge bullets but can he make any sense of the crypto market?

24. Switch

She’s the only one out of Morpheus’ little cybergoth social club to wear white which means she’s at least contrarian enough to not go along with the crowd. She also is the only one who has no time for Neo’s nonsense. And since crypto is all nonsense, she’s not she’s not going anywhere near it.

23. Trinity

She’s already dealing with a reality where every action is controlled by a glitchy algorithm and doesn’t need another one promising her instant wealth. She’d probably rather jump out of a high-rise building than navigate the rollercoaster of crypto markets, where even Neo’s superpowers wouldn’t guarantee you won’t lose your shirt.

22. Dozer

He seems to be the only one in the scorched-Earth armageddon of 2199 to find time to hit the gym. That’s not to say he wouldn’t be into crypto but short-term investment wins don’t seem like the kind of gains he’s interested in.

21. Tank

Just because he is able to read the Matrix and see what’s happening doesn’t mean he’d be able to understand the crypto market. He’s already knee-deep in this technological nightmare and doesn’t need another complex system to debug—especially one with more crashes than his software.

20. Mouse

He’s got that lonely “nice guy” kind of energy that is usually attracted to crypto. But honestly, he doesn’t need wealth as a means to attract attention from the opposite sex when he probably spends all his time “jacking in” with the woman in red. Let’s just hope he cleans up those dentist chairs when he’s done.

19. Apoc

Apoc got killed because he was spending too much time online trying to be a hero and finding others who took the red pill. He may or may not be into crypto but we bet he probably stormed the Capitol on January 6.

18. Niobe

Hard to say if she’s into crypto or not but you should probably just go along with whatever she says otherwise her husband might just smack the shit out of you on live television.

17. Link

He’s already spent enough time unplugging people from shady simulations, and he’s not about to plug you into a financial black hole. He’s seen enough dodgy code in the Matrix to know that convincing you to invest in crypto might be just another elaborate trap set by the machines.

16. The Keymaker

A blue-collar tradesman with a job that gives him access to pretty much everything. Kind of like the janitor in “The Breakfast Club” he is the eyes and ears of this institution. So he doesn’t need some bullshit crytpo when he could just make a key and open up whatever you have locked up and take it. You know, like that Beanie Baby collection you keep holding onto in the hopes that it might be worth something again someday.

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Hot Topic Immediately Opens New Location Next To Tim Burton’s Star on Hollywood Walk of Fame

Posted on by James Knapp

LOS ANGELES — A brand new Hot Topic franchise opened for business on Hollywood Boulevard mere moments after acclaimed director Tim Burton received his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, inoffensively spooky sources confirmed.

“Tim Burton has been this company’s bread and butter ever since emo music became irrelevant around 2007,” explained Hot Topic CEO Steve Vranes. “It only makes sense that anybody willing to journey all the way out here just to see their idol’s name etched into stone is naturally going to want to pick up some Jack Skellington fishnets and a ‘Coraline’ strobe light while they’re here. Plus there’s a Sbarro right across the street so they’ll nostalgically feel like they’re right back in the malls of their youth.”

Hollywood resident Arlo Snedder believes that the addition of the Hot Topic is in contrast to the neighborhood’s obvious cultural value.

“The Walk of Fame is an institution in the recognition of artistic accomplishment! This new store is just some cheap gimmick to rob hapless tourists of their disposable income,” bemoaned Snedder while selling hand-drawn maps to Zendaya’s house for forty dollars apiece. “It figures that these greedy corporations would try to cash in on a true artist’s achievement like this. This neighborhood used to be cool, but now it’s so commercial that it’s like having your name scribbled into a piece of concrete doesn’t even have any meaning anymore.”

Filmmaker Tim Burton expressed his appreciation for the honor he recently received.

“I just want to quickly say, to everyone who made this possible, that all ‘Corpse Bride’ sleeping bags are currently 15% off for a limited time! Oh yeah, and I guess the star thing is pretty cool too,” said Burton, who has thus far won three separate ‘Best Costume’ awards simply for walking into various Horror-Cons in his street clothes. “But seriously, I just want to say that we filmmakers don’t choose to make art because of awards or honors – we do it because when we see the smiling faces of the young creatives who spent all of their birthday check on an Ed Wood ventriloquist’s dummy, well that makes it all worthwhile.”

At press time, it was reported that a Spencer’s Gifts location had also recently opened directly next to the Walk of Fame star for Bob Marley.

Hike Put On Hold After Cool Stick Found

Posted on by Charles Bill

PORTLAND, Ore. — A local couple’s hike was put on hold after a really neat stick was found on the trail, blown away sources confirmed.

“Man this stick rules,” said chemical engineer and small branch enthusiast Greg Ware. “It was perfectly straight, no bumps or knots on it. It was about five feet tall, so it was perfect as a walking stick. I started spinning it around my head, pretending it was a sword. When my girlfriend Jenna told me to put it down so we could keep moving, I couldn’t hear her because I was too busy making lightsaber whooshing sounds and cutting down invisible stormtroopers. Sadly, while I was hitting it against a tree to get rid of the bark on it, the all-time great stick broke. Jenna didn’t understand why I had to take 15 minutes to mourn its loss.”

Although the stick provided Ware with a pleasant distraction, it was a source of great confusion for his girlfriend.

“This dipshit is always looking for sticks and I don’t get it,” said exasperated computer scientist Jenna Melman. “We were doing this long, exhausting hike, and it’s hot as hell. Greg just stops like he’s hit with a bolt of lightning and points at something in the distance before running off the trail to collect it. He was obsessed over it, he even called over guys who were hiking the other way, and they would take a full minute to gush over how cool the stick was. I shared a lot of annoyed looks with their girlfriends. It’s just a dead part of nature. Who cares? He kept talking about how he wanted to tie his pocket knife to the end in case a bear attacked us. Ugh.”

The desire for cool twigs and stems seems to be innate within men since time immemorial.

“For most of human history, survival was predicated on finding cool sticks,” explained evolutionary biologist Dr. Sandra Ryfield. “Ancient cavemen who found a good one were able to hunt with it. That hunting allowed them to find a mate and pass down their cool-stick-finding genes. The more cool sticks someone had, the greater their wealth was. Nowadays we don’t have such a need for sticks, but it is deeply ingrained in the human psyche to search for them. Also check out this one I found, it’s like a fuckin’ wizard’s staff.”

At press time, the hike was paused once again following the discovery of a really freaky bug.

Why I Smoke Weed Instead of Drinking and Also in Addition To Drinking

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

Some people relax at the end of the day with a cold beer or a glass of wine, but not me, I prefer to smoke some weed! We all know the harmful effects of alcohol—liver disease, increased risk of cancer, bloating, hangovers—that’s just not for me. I prefer the natural, relaxing, and medicinal effects of marijuana. And then, yeah, sure, sometimes that buzz pairs nicely with a glass or two of merlot or a couple high-octane IPA’s but I’d much rather smoke weed than drink these days.

Ever since I stopped drinking and started using cannabis instead, I’ve really noticed a change in my mental state. I’m so much more chill. I don’t NEED a beer after a day of work. I need to smoke a bowl, and then maybe I WANT a refreshing beer afterward but that’s more, like, an appetizer for the Doritos Flamas tacos I’m making. I’ve gotten really into the culinary arts now that I’ve given up drinking in favor of cannabis.

Another great thing about weed is you can get high any time of day and there’s no social stigma attached to it. Drinking before 5 pm is a problem but wake-and-bake is a lifestyle. Smoke some weed before brunch. Get a couple of mimosas (those don’t count) or bloody Marys (basically a salad) and get down on some French toast!

The great thing about weed is it actually helps me focus where alcohol would just make me super unproductive. I like to smoke a joint and enjoy nature or do something creative like write poetry or paint. Sometimes I’ll walk to that pub on the corner and grab a drink while I doodle on a soggy napkin and look for faces in the patterns of grain of the wood barstools. It’s really a much more cerebral experience than drinking alcohol.

Ok, so every once in a while I get a bit TOO stoned and start to freak out a little. But it’s not like getting too drunk because when you’re too stoned you can just have a drink to knock the edge off the anxiety and it kinda brings you back to ground level.

So yeah, I basically don’t drink anymore. Except for after I smoke. Which I do every day.

Scene Elder Passes Down Oral History of Who Hates Who and Why

Posted on by Tim Graham

CHULA VISTA, Calif. — The patriarch of the local scene assembled the area’s young punks to hear an oral history of longstanding beefs, according to gossipy sources.

“So many of the O.G. crew have gone straight, died or left the area, so I’m the only one left that knows the full history of the scene. I’m not getting any younger, either,” said 43-year-old Henry “Oldhead” McIntyre. “I figured it was time to pass down my knowledge to the next generation. I brought together all the young bloods and regaled them with tales of the scene’s rich history. I covered everything from the origin of the feud between Rad Maggot and Pus Patrol to the saga of Eddie Scuzz, who cheated on Syd Silver with Maggie Kane only to end up with Phoebe from The Blank Czechs.”

Some members of the rapt audience expressed concern about who would take over stewardship of the scene should McIntyre die or get a real job.

“If something happens to Oldie, there’s gonna be a massive power vacuum,” said Marsha Skinner as she worked on a zine collecting McIntyre’s tales. “There are some guys waiting in the wings for their chance to become the area’s alpha punk, and it might get ugly. I’ve heard that Tex Hinton has been honing his gatekeeping skills in anticipation of being in a position to dictate to all of us what’s good and what’s shit. Gordie Floyd and Speck Stinson recently came to blows over who has the more comprehensive local seven inch collection. The scene is a pot ready to boil over.”

UCLA anthropology professor Adrian Conley says there are parallels between the way punk scenes function and how primitive societies operated.

“In both cases, we see small clans ruled over by an individual who has asserted their dominance either by cunning or a show of strength,” explained Conley while handling a Crass buttflap with forceps. “Usually there will be a group of weaker members beneath the chieftain who vie for the patriarch’s attention and contend among themselves in ritualistic competitions. In early societies, these challenges were resolved with violence. In punk scenes, they more often involve bouts where rivals try to outdo one another with their deep knowledge of obscure bands.”

At press time, the Chula Vista scene was reeling as McIntyre announced he would be leaving the area after inheriting his father’s Tallahassee, Florida condo.